Typical British? Funerals

[askmewhat]

I am foreign but this happened to me in uk. I also posted about this subject to one of my home countries discussion forum. I just want to see if there is cultural differences.

So what happened. My MIL mother died and when the funeral took place in crematorium, I had to stay in car with our two year old dd. Our four year old ds could go to the funeral. This was decided by MIL. I have thought I could go in with dd and go away if she would have cried etc. But no we had to sit in the car.

Is this British way that young children are not generally welcomed to the funerals?

Absolutely normal and reasonable for a chief mourner to ask for children not to attend the crematorium and whether you agree with it or not their wishes should be respected.

But I don't understand why she did not inform your family before travelling this would be requested, or why she included your ds but asked you to stay outside with dd.

Surely your dh asked her? If he didn't I would be more upset with him for allowing me to be treated that way if there wasn't a good reason.

How is your relationship with MIL?

I think it varies on social circles and is also dependent on religion withing that social circle. You'll find that people's belief in how funerals should be hugely vary. Think this is due to the fact people in Britain go to very few funerals compared to other countries.

My experience of British funerals very been to Humanist ones and Quakers ones which were very different in expectations to the Catholic and CoE ones I've been too. Even then the Catholic and CoE ones vary within themselves.

But saying all that, you must realise that this is more your MIL being an odd fish. Especially as one child could go in.

My relationship with mil is neutral. She is not my kind of person but I just behave and be polite.

As far as I remember it wasn't discussed that we stay in car before we had travelled there. I will ask dh why I needed to stay in car.

Are you saying that the first you heard of this was as you got out of the car at tbe crematorium?

Because that's really odd and very rude.

Is it possible that your dh had already been told but chose not to say anything to you until you were there. At which point you would be hard pushed to object!

A request for "no children under x years" might be more common, but to deliver it as an order at the Crematorium door is very rude.

In my Welsh family no one under 16 would be allowed.

*Not everyone believes children should attend funerals - me being one of them,
But the 4 year old was allowed to go.

People mourning their parents are not always reasonable and logical. Sure, it was hard for you to stay in the car, but if your MIL (who has just lost her mother) found it easier to not have your 2 year old there, isn't it normal to just let it be and not make an issue? She just lost her mother!

The thing is that the four year old was more likely to interrupt than the calm two year old, if it was to do with disturbing the service. I could have sat at the back and quickly go out if she started to make noises. The service wasn't that long either.

isn't it normal to just let it be and not make an issue?

And on the day, that is precisely what the OP did AnxiousandExcited!

What she is doing now, is asking about cultural "norms" in a country not her own.

It may have changed in 22 years, but when my ed was 6 months old she went to my nans funeral, which was in the crematorium.

In our family children under nine don’t attend the service but go to the wake. They are generally looked after by a relative or friend nearby.

It varies wildly between families and religions as you can see. I did go to funerals in the 1980s as a child. It was seen as a good thing (and I was well behaved). Equally DH’s DGF (who would now be about 100) requested that DS1 (then under 1) went to his funeral (I did sit at the back and take him out when needed).

To me, this is not a MIL thing. This is a woman grieving her own mother not wanting a 2 year old potentially disturbing the service. She should absolutely have the right to decide if she does not want a 2 year old there. Sure, the 4 year old may be noisier usually, but 4 year olds get a sense of solemnity, you can explain to them to keep quiet. 2 year olds, you can't.

Sure you can argue that MIL should have expressed her view earlier, but maybe it didn't occur to her that her DS would turn up at his grandmother's funeral with a 2 year old.

I would have ok if dh would have travelled alone to the funeral and I would have stayed at home. That would have been much better than sit in a car with dd.

Maybe it is a cultural thing but I felt that I was excluded purposely. It wasn't discussed beforehand, I was just told that I stay in a car with dd.

It was rude to make you sit in the car, but perhaps there was a misunderstanding? Did she think your DH was going alone and then she panicked a bit when she saw the kids? People can be very weird about funerals so I think you should let it go as your MIL was probably feeling stressed and upset and not her usual self.

Did she think your DH was going alone and then she panicked a bit when she saw the kids?

She knew we all were coming and we stayed at them. She could have told me while at theirs.

I agree with so many others, that there is no 'single British culture'

I have been to many, many funerals (and for people from all walks of life, so this isn't a 'family' thing) and it has been incredibly unusual to ever see small dc at funerals, IME. However, this is asked about quite often on MN and there is a wide variations with people often saying all should be welcome.
What seems particularly odd to me is that they said the 2 yr old couldn't come in, but the 4 yr old could.
But no, it's not a 'British thing'

My mum didn’t let me go to my grandmothers funeral when I was 7. And my MIL asked me not to bring my then 3 year old to her fathers funeral (so I didn’t go either).

It's very much up to the family and I would always defer to the wishes of the immediate family. My own dd didn't go to my mother's funeral because, frankly, I was focussing on mastering my own grief. Sometimes I wish she had gone but I know that in the moment I couldn't cope with her being there and do I respect my own decision on that.

Not typical. I had a 2yo DD for one grandmas funeral and when she got noisy I of course took her out. Almost 2 years later I had 3 year old DD and a newborn for my other Gran's funeral. They were her family as I was. They had every right to be there to say goodbye.

I would always defer to the wishes of the immediate family

I would agree. My family - no children under around 10 or 12 at funerals, it's not the done thing. DH's family - all children, regardless of age, not only invited but expected to attend. So we have to play every funeral according to the immediate relatives' wishes.

It was her mother’s funeral, maybe one of the ways that she was dealing with the death was by becoming overly concerned that the funeral went well and in her mind a 2 year old attending presented a very real obstacle to this and she thought you waiting in the car was a sensible solution.

I will ask dh why he let mil to leave me in car with dd.. I suspect the answer to this will be that he didn’t want to upset her or make a fuss on the day of her mother’s funeral.