I did something terrible

[hugecliche]

I know I'm terrible. And I know some posters will still pile on just to make sure I feel really, really bad - rest assured I do. But I'm asking for advice and help.

I went on a work night out on Friday and ended up back at my flat with my married boss. We were both phenomenally drunk. We didn't go through with it, but there was plenty of inappropriate chat and touching for a couple of hours before he left and went home.

I can't stop thinking about what happened and how foolish I was on one hand, but also frustrated that I can't really remember it all (often forget wording etc when drunk) which is means it's hard to make sense of it all.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to face him in the office. I don't know how to act at all.

[Freezingold]

OP I do think that reading the posts from wives who have been cheated on, and emotional as they are, and not ‘sympathetic’, will give you the clearest and most powerful pointers of how to navigate your situation.

It is only when your Bosses wife is firmly in your head, and your heart, and their children too (at the moment very distance and abstract figures), that you will shake yourself out of this.

So in the kindest way possible, your answer is not guidance and help for you and how you act. It’s getting your head more into the people whose lives will be devastated, his wife and children. When they are more present for you in your mind, your reactions such as giggling or ending up in flat will not happen again. You will not be in any way receptive, which you have been, and now you won’t.

It’s not simple, like you say, to be thinking of the wife, this person who is real and most probably loves her husband and her family are her whole world. As I think posts from other wives have in turn triggered you. Instead of defensiveness, just take these posts from other wives who have been through similar and notice the pain behind their words.

That’s your way to navigate this.

[TheBewildernessisWeetabix]

I got blindsided like that once by a supervisor,.
Knew him for years and he never once hinted or made a move on me until he suddenly did, not coincidentally when there was alcohol involved.
I never trusted him again.

[GirlDownUnder]

OP he's older, experienced, and your boss. I can see why you're flattered. He's feeding your ego, and it feels nice.

I think you're pretty much understanding that much, but you need to fully realise it, and that 'you' are actually pretty unimportant in his wooing of you. There will be other you's.

Look at what he is doing / has done - flattered you by helping your career, and now force teaming with you ie sharing how he fobbed off his wife, all the 'we' chat re "near miss, about how we act moving forwards, about him not over/under compensating with how he treats me, about how we can't believe it"

If you have to spend time with him, listen for this ^ and take more ownership of the conversation by shutting this down.

Also definitely limit your alcohol consumption around him, because any good intentions will be out the window.

Remember too, that you don't want to leave because you've worked hard for 5 years, but if you get involved with him, he's already shown he can help your career but that means if you piss him off, or become a liability, he possibly has the power to fuck your career up too.

Good luck.

[Sunnytimesahead]

@hugecliche - I just wanted to say we all make mistakes. The fact that you have recognised your part in this mistake is a good thing.
Move on from this, you have already learnt from it. I wish you well for the future.

[MsDogLady]

But I don’t want to be the person who has an affair with a married man. So I won’t be.

Yet you weakened your boundaries for this married man on two separate occasions. He “announced” that he was coming in and you allowed it. Then he summoned you for coffee and you bonded over the close call and how you two will now navigate the office. He used the power imbalance to play you like a fiddle.

There is a new dynamic to your relationship: man/woman. You have agency here, but have still not shut this down by mentally and verbally drawing a firm line.

You need to clearly assert your integrity.

[ScoobyCan]

@hugecliche - I've been in your position. I was working abroad, the number of inter-office relationships (affairs...) were staggering. It was viewed as quite normal - the directors used to joke in meetings "oh JP, you can visit the XX office [400km away / flight away], then you get a couple of days with your mistress"

The Vice President laid it on to me thick. He was a notorious flirt, used his position and his power like nobody's business to get younger employees to sleep with him.

He wasn't even attractive. He had a wife and children in his home country. I did a lot of the number crunching and slide preparation for his presentations to the board, we worked late together in the office. He would arrange for drivers to drive me home - he would come too. In the limo. It was hugely flattering and I so nearly went there. Somehow I came to my senses - it might have been when he phoned me one night and jerked off whilst we were on the phone - I felt that the blurred boundaries were all too much. I resigned, he got moved thousands of miles away. I expect he's just the same. It's like the ugly member of the successful band - the groupies are still enamoured. It's hard to distinguish between flattery and the desperation of these men on power trips. I say men, as I didn't experience it with women. Keep your distance, you are worth more than this.

[hugecliche]

I just wanted to update and I say I think I've put it all to bed. We spent some time together at a work event this week which felt too friendly still so I sent a very clear message saying that we needed distance and boundaries.

He has replied and agreed and I genuinely believe him. We have agreed to be colleagues only, not even work friends and he is aware that I'm looking for a new job (I was thinking about it anyway).

I'm sure some will still think I'm being naive but I've been clear with him and will now hold him and myself to these new boundaries. Now I need to work on some of the odd feelings it has brought up for me and my view of myself.

[SoTiredTonight]

I’ve followed your thread but don’t think I’ve posted before @hugecliche. I just wanted to say that I feel you’ve dealt with the whole issue remarkably well. I wish you all the best and hope that work/finding a new job works out well for you.

[hugecliche]

Thank you @SoTiredTonight. Now to start a thread about mumsnet tees finding me a job

[hugecliche]

*mumsnetters

[GirlDownUnder]

We spent some time together at a work event this week which felt too friendly still so I sent a very clear message saying that we needed distance and boundaries.

Well done on recognising the 'too friendly' bit, and then instigating distance and boundaries.

Good luck on the job search

[MsDogLady]

So glad to read your update, OP.

[Chocpear]

V sensible decision. Good luck on the job search.

[billy1966]

Well done OP, you sound like a great woman👍.

"When you know better, you do better".

Good for you.💐