I did something terrible

[hugecliche]

I know I'm terrible. And I know some posters will still pile on just to make sure I feel really, really bad - rest assured I do. But I'm asking for advice and help.

I went on a work night out on Friday and ended up back at my flat with my married boss. We were both phenomenally drunk. We didn't go through with it, but there was plenty of inappropriate chat and touching for a couple of hours before he left and went home.

I can't stop thinking about what happened and how foolish I was on one hand, but also frustrated that I can't really remember it all (often forget wording etc when drunk) which is means it's hard to make sense of it all.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to face him in the office. I don't know how to act at all.

[AnyFucker]

Grubby

[Thinkingabout1t]

He’s using you for an ego trip, OP. You haven’t done anything terrible, but you are in danger of getting badly hurt. I hope you can extricate yourself quickly. Then get on and enjoy your life, avoiding married men or your boss because they’re not worth the hassle.

[Freezingold]

I went in feeling uncomfortable and sure I wanted to end it. I came out feeling flattered and giggly and excited.

Sorry but this makes me want to tear my hair out. The devastation of cheating on a wife and kids. All it takes is for one of you to grow up. It’s just awful really. I felt like I’d been abused by both parties from my Exes cheating. It was exactly this feeling flattered by both Ex and his flirting partners that cut me very deep inside.

It still affects me even now.

[Wilmalovescake]

For fucks sake people, at least she’s being honest.

OP something similar happened to me years ago. I was briefly flattered, even considered it- then I came to my sense and got the hell out of there.

Do the same. You’ll be happier.

[GabsAlot]

Wow honestly op i didnt think he wo9uld carry on maybe im naiive too

[MsDogLady]

It sounds like you two were buzzing over your sleazy secret. In setting the stage for you to be his side piece, he actually shared how he manipulated his wife. What a pig.

You didn’t shut it down. Are you still hesitant to say no to him because you are attracted to his ‘power’? He’s such a loser. Don’t be his fool, OP.

[springydaff]

So you had a long and languid discussion about what nearly was.

Eurgh

[Chocpear]

He definitely sounds like he is fishing for a possible affair. Remind yourself that such a person lacks integrity and moral fibre. Stay well away, you are going down a path that will cause so much stress and pain for you and his wife.

[TheBewildernessisWeetabix]

I am so sorry he did this to you.
Best wishes in your job search.

[GatoFofo]

Please, have some self respect. I’ve been there years ago, and I cringe thinking about it now.
Wonder if his wife is on MN..

[dayswithaY]

I have been that wife. The devastation caused is hard to put into words. It has changed me forever in so many ways. Please look for a new job if you don't trust yourself to be alone with him again. You don't have to hurt another woman like this.

[justilou1]

Eeeew! I thought he was going to try and do the whole “This has never happened before and it should never happen again. I am going to be a professional and ensure that it is going to assure you that it won’t affect your work, blah, blah....”

[Chinaisvast]

I'd hand in my notice today and go to a temp agency, if they still exist. You are on a very dangerous precipice OP, good luck.

[hugecliche]

I really can't hand my notice in and temp. It could seriously derail my career. I've worked really hard in the last 5 years to move significantly up and won't let this ruin that.

To the wives asking me to not do this - you really don't need to. I have zero intention of it and am working away from the office today to figure out what processes to put in place until I can make a sensible career move.

However I will say that the decision I'm making won't make her life better. Enough posters have pointed out I won't be the first or the last. And even if I were the first, I'm sure this has given him an idea of what could happen with other women. If it isn't me (and it won't be) then it will likely be someone else. And that's on him entirely.

[MarshaBradyo]

You’re right to look after your hard won career. He isn’t taking any hits to his by leaving.

I’d find sitting opposite him a bit much, don’t envy you there.

[dellacucina]

Yes, people who are saying you need to quit immediately are being unrealistic. It would be daft to damage your credibility in your career over one mistake where you arguably are the less culpable party

[rhowton]

I would feel terribly guilty about this. Yes, he has a wife and shouldn't be doing this. But, you are just as bad! You know he has a wife. You know he is married and you did it anyway! You have no respect for yourself and none for his wife! Leave him the fuck alone and don't put yourself in a situation like this again with a married man! Selfish!

[MirandaGoshawk]

Dear OP, I think you're being really hard on yourself. It takes two to tango, but you are only responsible for yourself. Let him deal with his own feelings/marriage. As for you, woman up! Be professional around him. All sorts of things happen with drink, but just make sure you don't allow yourself to get into that situation again. You should both forget about it. I don't think you should feel obliged to look for another job. He won't, will he, so why should you? There is no harm done, so brazen it out, put it behind you and get on with doing your job well.

[Simonsaysitschristmas]

@rhowton have you even read the full thread? You don’t need to pile on to the OP! She has already said she is putting boundaries in place so this situation won’t happen again, including by getting a new job. How is she being selfish by disrupting her own life and career to avoid a married man? Sounds pretty selfless to me.

OP, life is never black and white but it sounds to me like you are doing everything you can to rectify this. I hope you manage to find an appropriate career move soon.

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

I think the OP sounds sensible and self aware. Look to yourself and don’t derail your career over this.

[ScarlettBlaize]

I have zero intention of it and am working away from the office today to figure out what processes to put in place until I can make a sensible career move.

Along with that, a sensible life move would be to spend some time reflecting on why you were so totally taken in by a very, very obvious tried 'n' tested line, why you were so deeply flattered by the sleazy drunken attentions of a not-even-attractive married man, and how you will recognise it next time someone uses another of the oldest tricks in the book on you.

Perhaps next time the man in question might even be attractive. And given how much your ego was stoked by the attentions of an ugly one, it sounds like you need to work on your self-esteem.

And your actions - because none of this started AFTER he was in your flat. But at the point where you decided that getting drunk and inviting your married boss to your home was a great idea.

[justilou1]

You might have to mention your “uncontrollable herpes” or something...

[springydaff]

I think that's the point, Scarlett: op has learnt her lesson.

I don't know about anybody else but I had to learn this stuff by experience because at the time it seems plausible. You get into some kind of scrape and you learn from it - so that next time you'll be ready not to go there again. Including recognising the run-up, so you know how to stop anything like it dead in its tracks in future.

I wish you all the best in your career progression op.

[Freezingold]

However I will say that the decision I'm making won't make her life better. Enough posters have pointed out I won't be the first or the last.

I totally disagree with this OP. Speaking as a wife who was cheated on, I think I have a better perspective than you. For every person, you included, that respected me as a wife, a stranger but no less still respected that I was a human being and therefore did not get off on flirting, or kissed or had sex with my husband, it made me feel a small but significant but more like I had self worth. It helped me to face the world again and to feel that some potential cheating women, cared enough about me and my family to walk away.

I know because I spoke with some of the possible OW. Ex had unexplained repeated texts and calls. He ghosted me and lied, of course, and so I contacted them. Of course some were real affairs. However one or two women contacted me back, they had known he had a wife and were from work. He’s very senior and quite influential, so I knew they were more likely to feel flattered by his attention. Yet even though they didn’t know me, they couldn’t bring themselves to cheat on me. I believed two women who said they had been cheated on themselves before and just couldn’t bear to do it to someone else.

Even now those women have restored a lot of my faith. They made me feel that I could trust some people, that some people were decent and good. It gave me the strength to get through the divorce. If they’d told me at the time I’d have been even more grateful. However they told me everything and I felt like a real sisterhood.

So each person that says no does make a huge difference.

It also draws the line for cheating husband. If enough women did that many more husbands would think again. Many men aren’t just serial cheaters, many let themselves step over the line because of relatively easy opportunity, at a particular time of their lives. Plenty of women here had their ex cheat with one woman but once they’ve crossed that line, the marriage is devastated.

[dayswithaY]

Well said, Freezingold. If more women were prepared to say "You're married and I could not contemplate hurting another woman, it goes against everything I stand for " then maybe so many lives would stop getting wrecked.

Instead, people think they are so special and important that they should act upon every single impulse they ever have. They trot out the pathetic excuse that every guilty party uses, namely "He's the one who is breaking his vows not me." Yes, but he couldn't do it without you. Whatever happened to kindness and consideration?

There 's a whole world of dating apps out there apparently, go find a single man and think back to this moment if you're ever in a long term committed relationship. In the meantime, be professional and focus on the job you have been employed to do.