I did something terrible

[hugecliche]

I know I'm terrible. And I know some posters will still pile on just to make sure I feel really, really bad - rest assured I do. But I'm asking for advice and help.

I went on a work night out on Friday and ended up back at my flat with my married boss. We were both phenomenally drunk. We didn't go through with it, but there was plenty of inappropriate chat and touching for a couple of hours before he left and went home.

I can't stop thinking about what happened and how foolish I was on one hand, but also frustrated that I can't really remember it all (often forget wording etc when drunk) which is means it's hard to make sense of it all.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to face him in the office. I don't know how to act at all.

[Borkins]

The predictability of these men is astonishing

[LittlePaintBox]

OP, you're worth far more than this man - it sounds almost as if he's been working on you for ages to get to the point of having an affair.

No, it won't make any difference to his wife if it's you or another woman he has an affair with, but it will to you. There's no painless way out of an office affair with a married man, as far as I can see from people I know who have got involved in that way.

[ScarlettBlaize]

@springydaff I think that's the point, Scarlett: op has learnt her lesson.

How very optimistic of you. How quickly she turned everything around.

[chickpea1234]

How did the chat go OP?

[wowfudge]

Read the OP's post of 21:00 yesterday chickpea.

[chickpea1234]

Thanks Fudge

[hugecliche]

Hi all. Thanks for your posts. Didn't come back yesterday as wasn't much to say. Have been reflecting and PPs are probably right in that I need to reflect on why this was so attractive. Yes it's partly human but hopefully there's more than I can learn from.

I think what's interesting is that we've characatured this guy into typical 'sleezy drunken boss' and been astounded anyone can fall for that. But as anyone who has made a bad romantic/sexual decision knows, these people don't just pop up fully formed and talk you into something.

I've known this guy for years. Been friendly and then friends. Worked really close together, socialised together, travelled together had late nights in the office etc and there's never been even a hint of anything inappropriate. No remarks, no touching, no probing for details or talking about his marriage being hard etc. There were no red flags.

So I didn't have any kind of guard up nor had I earmarked him as 'sleezy boss' who I needed to not drink around. I just didn't see it coming and that's why I missed the warning signs in the moment and those since as it was all just such a shock.

I guess I'm just writing this I because I think the idea that all cheaters plan this for years and women are fools not to see it is misleading and a bit dangerous. It's hard to notice the script when you're not expecting it.

[dayswithaY]

Not expecting it? You invited your married boss back to your flat after a long night of drinking. You need to start being honest with yourself. Why bother posting if all you want to do is defend your shabby behaviour?

[YasssKween]

I think what's interesting is that we've characatured this guy into typical 'sleezy drunken boss' and been astounded anyone can fall for that.

I don't think that's what anybody meant, everyone said it was textbook (as was his next bit of behaviour over coffee) and happens all the time rather than being shocked anyone could fall for it.

[hugecliche]

dayswithaY

Actually I didn't. You have assumed that. I never invited him in although I didn't stop him when he invited himself.

Would you rather I lied? Would this be easier if I followed a script and pretended it wasn't preying on my mind. I've always used MN as a place to come for support and advice but if you'd rather I just cracked on on my own without the help of posters showing me where I'm falling into traps, then feel free to step back from the thread so I don't have to.

Maybe if we all stopped pretending that stuff like this was so easy and simple then it would happen less.

[SmileyClare]

I see your point OP. However I think what people are asking is that you take responsibility for your own actions. Yes, he's abused his power as your boss and called all the shots here, but no one is rendered powerless and unable to control themselves by lust or alcohol. You can't excuse that by "being human". It's the age old excuse people use to start affairs- we couldn't help ourselves.

Unless you are suggesting that you were so drunk that you couldn't fend him off or give consent. That would be sexual assault.

It's likely that both of you were being flirty and suggestive on your night out and chose to ignore any moral objections.

He hasn't been working on you or "grooming" you all this time but simply thought Cliche is acting up for it tonight I can get my leg over here. He is now proceeding in that mindset.

You've given him all the power here, he's driving this and you're going along with what he wants.
For example, you met for coffee (his demand) and although you planned how you'd handle it, you quickly surrendered to him leading the conversation and melted.
That pattern will continue as long as you see yourself as some sort of "victim" and him as the "leader" This is further complicated by your work dynamic of boss and junior.

It's going to be difficult to take back control now and in my experience men generally turn nasty and resentful when rejected sexually.

That's my amateur psychological diagnosis anyway

[JurassicParkaha]

Hi OP, just wanted to give you a hug and some support. I think you're being unfairly lambasted by posters (understandable if they've had to deal with OW). However, it is not your burden to carry, and the only person you need to be responsible for/to right now, is yourself.

You've realised your error, are repentant, seen your boss for who he is (an opportunist with clearly no respect for his wife) and can now make plans to shut this down/move jobs. By women saying no to affairs, doesn't change the intention of the men who want it. And I'm not sure any DW/DP would feel better knowing her man was out there propositioning women and getting turned down, vs having a full blown affair. He's still a scumbag with no morals and that's still going to be a relationship problem that needs resolving.

Don't break your head over this anymore. You're young, he did take advantage of both your position and age, and will do it again. It's so commonplace in city/start up firms - so not a reflection of you. Plenty of men in senior positions will take their chances where they can, some can get VERY NASTY if you turn them down. So be kind to yourself, introspect to understand why it happened and what you can do to prevent yourself getting into this awful situation again. Which it seems like you're doing anyway.

Good luck!

[Luckystar20]

Something similar happened with me on my works christmas do. My boss wouldn't leave me alone, inappropriate behaviour touching my leg grabbing me asking me to kiss him wanting to have sex. We are both married I said no but he has a reputation for being a cheat. I still work there and things are ok we never talk about it. Distant yourself.

[ScarlettBlaize]

Actually I didn't. You have assumed that. I never invited him in although I didn't stop him when he invited himself.

This sort of thing is why people can see you're not really taking responsibility for your actions. Why are you picking holes in whether you invited him first or whether he invited himself and you said yes? What does that matter? You haven't suggested at any point that you were in any way opposed to bringing him into your home when you were both pissed and flirting with each other. Take responsibility for your own decisions

[hugecliche]

I am doing scarlett. I started this thread to say that I had done something and and needed to sort it out.

I was making corrections because threads are alway like Chinese whispers which can end up steering the narrative. I.e. I invited him in, we made out, he's a company director, he has children etc. All of those are on here without being true and can sometimes cloud the issue.

[hugecliche]

*bad and

[ScarlettBlaize]

But nitpicking over who exactly issued the invitation isn't relevant. Unless you are saying that he forced his way in to your home, or put loads of pressure on you in some other way to accept, it makes no difference at all to the context of what happened, and focusing on that just makes it seem like you're not willing to fully accept responsibility.

@SmileyClare has said all this very eloquently above.

To be honset though, in your OP you said you:

ended up back at my flat with my married boss.

We were both phenomenally drunk.

frustrated that I can't really remember it all (often forget wording etc when drunk) which is means it's hard to make sense of it all.

Given those statements, I'm surprised that you can be so crystal clear about him inviting himself, rather than you inviting him.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to face him in the office. I don't know how to act at all.

[hugecliche]

I understand why it looks that way, I'm just reassuring you I don't mean it to. The whole point of starting this thread was to face what had happened and my part both in getting there and handling it moving forwards.

I can remember that part. There are holes in my memory yes but I remember him announcing he was coming in and getting out the cab quite clearly.

Does it make a difference? No perhaps not, I just wanted to clear it off because things like that pick up speed on threads and the story ends up changing while you're offline.

[ScarlettBlaize]

I don't think anyone has really misrepresented anything, other than the people who thought you were saying you'd been promoted as a result.

I remember him announcing he was coming in and getting out the cab quite clearly.

and at that point you had lots of options that weren't enthusiastically going along with it and embarking on several hours of 'inappropriate touching' and heavy flirting. Be real

I think you've had some very good, constructive, fair advice on here - most of us have experienced this kind of thing (from whichever angle) and I personally think you would do better to focus on that rather than arguing over details that don't change anything.

[hugecliche]

I don't know why you're picking on this. I've said repeatedly that you are right. I am responsible for this and am both facing it and asking for help moving forwards.

I'm not evading or avoiding the responsibility, I'm simply processing it on here as I can hardly talk about it in real life.

[Jenala]

OP you must know the only thing many posters on MN hate more than men is OW. Many are pure and holy and would never get into this situation by mistake and then be worrying about how to extricate themselves from it.

Try and ignore those derailing the thread, you know you made a mistake but it could have been much worse and he is just as much, if not more, culpable.

My advice would be to try and stay really mindful of your thoughts and feelings. When you feel that giggly, flattered feeling, notice it. You probably won't be able to stop it immediately and you definitely shouldn't berate yourself for it - but do note it. Recognising our emotions and thinking "oh look I'm feeling X again" takes half the power out of them. You need to avoid that trap of a dopamine high where someone you like wants you. It's hard to say no to. Obviously try and avoid time with him as much as you reasonably can. And maybe keep a bit of a mantra in your head, something that's works for you, maybe "I wonder how how wife would feel if she was watching him right now". Anything to keep some psychological distance and see him for who he is.

Then it's just a waiting game. Enough time and active refusal to engage in eye contact and flirting etc will make it all dissipate, I'm certain, until one day you'll look at him and think wtf was I ever thinking!

[SmileyClare]

Well keep posting on here if you have no one to talk to about this.

You're right that you're trying to process everything on here. It's clear that you're very muddled up and confused!
You think you have feelings for him, then you don't, you have zero intention of having an affair then you can't trust yourself around him, it's your fault, no hang on it's his fault he trapped you into this, You're going to put in firm boundaries..you saw him and went all giggly and excited..one minute he's ugly, the next there's an attraction...and so on.

Your head's a mess OP! You need direction with this otherwise you're heading for a car crash situation.

[KundaliniRising]

Op some people may feel triggered by your thread, they may have been the wives or partners of cheating men.

I would like to give you a (((hug))) as you sound rather 'innocent' in many ways and he sounds rather predatory. You have been brave to bring your issue here and you sound as though you are listening to people on your thread. You sound as though you are taking on board what others are saying and that you regret what happened.

It is a shame that you didnt say to him that you have no idea what he is talking about as you cant remeber due to being rather pissed.

I hope that things go well for you and i am sorry that you are getting a hard time on here. But it sounds as though you have learned a valuable lesson.

[springydaff]

I do think you're learning your lesson - in the same way I did, by experiencing it, actually living through it. It means that next time - and there will be a next time as men and women (hetero) occupy a close space over long times at work - you recognise the path and give it an enormous swerve at the very start.

It's all very well having the theory, which does a very good job up to a point, but experience is where it really happens. Those who have been the victim of these liaisons ie abandoned spouses recognise the path early too, not because they've done it, or been near to it, but that they've had it done to them. It's easy to see then.

I don't know how much more you can do than be fully prepared and planning to leave your job. That shows your full commitment and responsibility imo.

[dayswithaY]

hugecliche this thread is triggering for me - my fault for reading it, I know. It is a mirror of a situation that happened to me - causing a lot of people pain, mental illness and ultimately, a tragic death. Of course, you are not to know that and I'm not suggesting the same thing will happen here. But you must understand that a lot of people still carry the wounds from their betrayals and feel the need to speak up when you bare your soul on here. You must have known that your words would cause some strong reactions so in that respect, you seem a little unkind.

The words you used in your original post were "we ended up at my flat." Naturally, anyone reading this would assume that it was at your invitation, there is no point drip feeding information if you want solid advice. You are now lashing out in a vain attempt to restore your character - utterly pointless as this is an anonymous forum. I won't be commenting again, as you have received lots of advice from well meaning people which you don't seem to have taken, preferring instead to pull people up on minor details in your story.