I did something terrible

[hugecliche]

I know I'm terrible. And I know some posters will still pile on just to make sure I feel really, really bad - rest assured I do. But I'm asking for advice and help.

I went on a work night out on Friday and ended up back at my flat with my married boss. We were both phenomenally drunk. We didn't go through with it, but there was plenty of inappropriate chat and touching for a couple of hours before he left and went home.

I can't stop thinking about what happened and how foolish I was on one hand, but also frustrated that I can't really remember it all (often forget wording etc when drunk) which is means it's hard to make sense of it all.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to face him in the office. I don't know how to act at all.

[hugecliche]

His poor poor wife. I doubt you are the first or the last OP!

You know what, I think I might be the first. Sounds so naive I know, but he stopped it and removed himself from the situation which doesn't sound like a serial cheater.

Which of course makes me feel worse and I like I might have caused him to be unfaithful.

[x2boys]

Does anyone at work know about this Op did people see you leaving together etc ? Many years ago I had a brief one night thing at a Xmas do. with a student nurse I haden, t long qualified he was single as was I so neither of did anything wrong but the gossip was awful.and nothing came of it ,wether anything would who knows but the gossip didn't help.

[x2boys]

You can't cause anyone to be unfaithful ,he chose to go back to your flat etc.

[hugecliche]

Op did people see you leaving together etc

Yes but that wouldn't be considered odd. It was the end of the night and we get the same tube line home. Not that we did that, we found another bar for more drinks first, but no reason anyone would know.

[MarshaBradyo]

You may have been keen but it was his decision to do it. Don’t take on board the idea that you caused him to do it.

[x2boys]

Well that's one thing to be greatful for .

[CrazyToast]

Just brazen it out. These things happen sometimes and drink has gotten the better of most of us at some point. Don't destroy yourself for it, don't do it again. I'm sure it will be fine.

[azigazigah]

You didn't. He did. Don't overthink it. Go to work as if nothing has happened and don't engage in any conversation with him unless it's work related. End of x

[hugecliche]

Would you forgive your partner if they went back to a co-workers house, were physically inappropriate but no actual physical cheating and talked about having sex. But removed themselves from the situation and came home.

Would you forgive them if they told you straight away? If they didn't?

[HollowTalk]

But this is between them now, OP. It's nothing to do with you. Just make sure you don't get into that situation again.

[Khione]

I did something similar with a boss 30 odd years ago. The following week at work, we both avoided each other (avoided looking at each other or having any but the most formal conversation, we couldn't do more as we shared an office and were sat next to each other) for a couple of days out of embarrassment and then gradually things got back to normal. So long as you both regret it then there is nothing to stop you putting it behind you.

[hugecliche]

So boss hasn't come in today for unusual reasons, but I don't know if that was planned already or has gone in as a result of friday.

But, he has just text me to ask if we can meet to speak tomorrow.

I'm bricking it. Feel nervous/sick at the bottom of my stomach. I am sure he is going to say it's a mistake and lets put it behind us, but it's going to be such an awkward conversation.

The good news is that he has already done something today via email that will further my career, not hurt it, so safe there I think.

[6demandingchildren]

I would message back saying yes fine as long as its to do with work as even though nothing happened you need to stay on a professional level.

[hugecliche]

He won't be to do with work - he's not my line manager right now so we don't have catch-ups anymore.

[MarshaBradyo]

Yes agree with that. It sounds intrusive to be texting you and talking about it. Intense too.

I can’t see how you’d have to deal with that as part of work.

[MarshaBradyo]

Agree with pp that is. Xposts

[LimpidPools]

I'd imagine he's bricking it too OP. And that may well make him be a bit too pushy about it, as PPs have said.

If I were you, I'd try and get my thoughts clear in my head in advance. Going off what you've said, that's pretty much: I'm mortified, we were both very drunk, I blame the alcohol, I wish it had never happened, my memory is kind of patchy, thank God it didn't fully happen, let's pretend it actually never happened at all, I plan to put it behind me now and never speak of it again.

[springydaff]

His marriage is not really your problem..

I really don't agree with this.

No, his marriage isn't your problem but, in the context bear posted, we all have a moral obligation to our fellows. I'm rather tired of this line that we can do what we like because it's not us who is cheating.

That aside, I wouldn't be at all happy with a tete a tete about it. Tell him you're currently busy (for the next 2 weeks) and be businesslike in work. He'll get the drift that you have no interest in talking to him about it.

[gamerwidow]

We've all done silly things when drunk but remember you have less to fear then him.
You were silly but you are single where as he is married with children.
When you see him let him know it was a mistake and you want to draw a line under it and move on.

[springydaff]

Sorry, I meant to say, don't beat yourself up, you made a (fundamental) mistake and feel wretched about it.

Just don't do it again. Steer clear in the early stages (experience talking here).

[williams345]

Oh no that's awkward !!
Hopefully he doesn't tell his wife and you both just forgot it
What a good man tho not going through with it

[FlaskMaster]

I'd text back "Really no need for a chat. Everything's fine. I'll be busy anyway. See you at work at some point". Gets the point across that you just want to move on and it's not a "thing".

[Equanimitas]

He probably wants to try to reach agreement that the whole thing was a dreadful mistake on both sides and that you both put it behind you, which I assume you'll be happy to go along with.

[Equanimitas]

If you don't want to meet him, you could just send a text saying "Can't remember much about the other night, but let's just agree to put it behind us and forget about it."

[1forAll74]

There is no point agonising about all this. If you are normally both sensible thinking adults,you should be able to deal with a situation such as this.These things happen,especially when many drinks are involved.

It is no use people all saying this is so wrong,as it has happened now.
This shouldn't be a reason for people moving,or leaving their jobs at all,but some sensible conversation together would be the best outcome.