I did something terrible

[hugecliche]

I know I'm terrible. And I know some posters will still pile on just to make sure I feel really, really bad - rest assured I do. But I'm asking for advice and help.

I went on a work night out on Friday and ended up back at my flat with my married boss. We were both phenomenally drunk. We didn't go through with it, but there was plenty of inappropriate chat and touching for a couple of hours before he left and went home.

I can't stop thinking about what happened and how foolish I was on one hand, but also frustrated that I can't really remember it all (often forget wording etc when drunk) which is means it's hard to make sense of it all.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to face him in the office. I don't know how to act at all.

[MyLamaDontLikeYou]

He either wants to meet you for damage limitation and to clear the air. Or to lead this further.
Let us know how it goes.

[Potatobug]

Overdramatic title. I thought you killed someone or did a hit and run.

[hugecliche]

potatobug thank you for that valuable input.

[LittlePaintBox]

And surely a regular cheat doesn't stop the situation and remove himself when sex is on the cards?

Oldest trick in the book. He HAS done this before, he's manipulating you. Now you have to prove how attractive you are by getting him to have sex with you.

I think this thread should be called 'Should I have an affair?' The mortification of getting so drunk you made out with his seems to have dissipated pretty quickly.

[Conformingtoregulations]

How old are you OP? and him?

[hugecliche]

The mortification of getting so drunk you made out with his seems to have dissipated pretty quickly.

So much assumption on this thread. I am mortified and I didn't make out with him. I'm asking for help while being honest that I'm human. Everyone in the world has done something or wanted to do something that they know so bad for them and they shouldn't. Pretended it otherwise is a waste of time. I've said I don't want and affair and meant it.

To PP I'm 20something, and there's a 15year age gap.

[bbcessex]

Good luck with your coffee, OP.

You are young, he isn't, plus he's married and director of your firm. Poor, poor behaviour on his part and not a good indication of a decent
character, however much of a good bloke you think he is.

Really try and keep things on an even keel and move back to professional distance. I honestly also think you either need to make plans to gradually move companies or accept that staying you are could lead to more. There's no good to come of having a relationship with a married man.... it can be exciting and elicit but doesn't lead to a good place for anyone.

[SmileyClare]

I think perhaps think about what would have happened if he hadn't halted your drunken "making out" or whatever it was? Would you have slept with him? That will give you a few answers. If you're honest are you a bit mortified that he stopped it and said Hang on, I value my wife more than this, I can't do this.

I agree with bbcessex there's no great outcome to this. It's messy and awkward as fuck, particularly as you sit opposite each other in a tiny office.
Either think about leaving or try to have the maturity to laugh this off. Pray he feels the same way as you because I'm not sure you'll be able to resist any more advances, purely based on the fact you've admitted an attraction to him.

[yellowallpaper]

You both acted in a silly and inappropriate way but I don't think there was anything sinister on either side. Just too much drink and things got stupid. You are both going to be seriously embarrassed about it but you are not a home wrecker and he is not a cheat.

Say nothing about it unless he brings it up. Act normally and do your best to forget it. Next time drink within you limits.

[Freezingold]

And surely a regular cheat doesn't stop the situation and remove himself when sex is on the cards?
Ha ha I laugh bitterly... crying into my coffee. My Ex did exactly this. He’s all about control, wants to know he can have sex if he wants to. He likes to initiate and take away. He went after plenty of women, he liked the pursuit. He’d often stop himself and convince himself that he was a good guy, he told me he had four ‘things’ with women but stopped himself before sex.

He then had excuses for meeting up with them. They were falling over themselves unconsciously as they were all stirred up, sex on the cards, but then how gallant this married man was to have stopped himself! And then of course slowly over time Ex would let slip that even though he was so loyal to me, it was an unhappy, loveless marriage with no sex. (Totally untrue). And he’d hook those women in...

Most people think my Ex is a great man still, very gentle and respectful of women. How the hell do some of these men do it!

So agree with above. Never make assumptions about a married man’s motives, if he’s been disloyal enough to let himself get drunk and get sexual, he’s disloyal enough to do quite a lot of things. Including manipulate and lie.

[SuzieSunshine]

So what was decided over coffee?

[JurassicParkaha]

OP, the only thing you should now do is damage limitation for your career. It happened, you're mortified, don't analyse his motivations anymore. They're irrelevant. There is no future here, and as someone just starting out in their career, you don't want to be beholden to this man or burn bridges.

I would attend the coffee meeting (if you can't get out of it), see what he has to say. But the minute he starts turning it into a discussion about the specifics, or some tale of woe about his life and motivations, stop him. Firmly say that what happened was unprofessional, you were both drunk but you would prefer to not discuss it any further and resume your professional relationship. Don't apologise too much either or admit you've done anything wrong, always use the word 'we' (we were drunk etc, rather than I) or you open yourself upto the possibility of HR complaints as the instigator. Do not get sucked into a conversation beyond this. I would suspect he is worried about a sexual harassment claim from you (because he was incredibly inappropriate as your superior and it could cost him his job if you reported it) and will be keen to smooth waters/prevent this from escalating. Don't mention any of this to anyone else at work.

Stay calm, firm, bury any feelings you have and avoid being alone with him when drinking again, or definitely don't drink as much. Good luck!

[hugecliche]

Well you were all right. There was no definitive 'I absolutely cannot do this I love my wife'. So clearly I am naive and it matches my username well - huge cliche.

So yes, now to avoid all situations and put boundaries in place. Plus find a new job.

[SmileyClare]

What a creep. He's almost old enough to be your father, he's married and company director. Clearly he wants to pursue something with you. I'm disappointed actually that he is following The Married Man at Work Cheaters Guide to the letter.
It's a huge abuse of power and really unprofessional behaviour.

I hope you can keep your resolve OP. You've said there's an attraction there and perhaps you're flattered? Unfortunately these situations can turn sour when you don't comply with his plans for a bit on the side but then you have to work together.

[bbcessex]

What did he say, OP?

[managedmis]

What? What did he actually say?

[devoedtobitsandback]

I was really rooting for the " I love my wife, that was I thinking!?" Responded.

Oh no op ☹️

[dottiedodah]

Well you are not the first and certainly wont be the last either! (Who can forget Bridget Jones immortal line " I need to get a new job as I shagged the Boss"! For those sainted beings on here who never drink or do anything wrong well good for you ! Try to put on a brave face and act like nothing has happened ,not easy I know.Is he a lot older than you ? Maybe you do fancy him a little but hes in the senior position so should have behaved himself .

[queenqueenqueen]

Oh no! What happened OP?

[billy1966]

He's slime OP.
Sexy, attractive, confident, but slime all the same.

You are fresh meat to him, that's all.

Get your head straight or you will be major collateral damage in you own life.

Step away from this.

If you can't get past this by spelling out that you are not available, then change job.

You will not be the winner in this game.

[carlywurly]

@Freezingold were we married to the same man? My xh made an absolute habit of this behaviour. Given that he's in a powerful job he reeled in so many women playing the "I'm incredibly decent but misunderstood" card.

I was still finding out about new ones a good couple of years after we divorced.

It's so depressing how many of these types there are out there.

[hugecliche]

• He's slime OP.
  Sexy, attractive, confident, but slime all the same.*
  
  The really stupid thing is he isn't. I wouldn't look twice at him in bar. I wouldn't say he's an attractive man at all make it even worse doesn't it.
  
  Erm to the PP who asked what he said. We just chatted for an hour about it being a near miss, about how we act moving forwards, about him not over/under compensating with how he treats me, about how we can't believe it etc etc he even told me how Elbe explained it away to his wife
  
  I went in feeling uncomfortable and sure I wanted to end it. I came out feeling flattered and giggly and excited. Took about an hour to return to stage 1 and say 'no what the fuck, absolutely not'. So clearly I do need to eat boundaries and stay away from situations, plus find a new job. As I can't trust myself.

[dayswithaY]

How depressingly predictable.

[Luckystar777]

He's a creep. He's given you some attention and furthered your career in some way, basically trying to bribe you to have sex with him. He's the untrustworthy one. Surely you can just make it clear to him you're not interested. If not, then yeah look for another job? Although I don't see why you should have to!

What I'd work on is building self esteem so as not to be taken in by an ugly old man again.

[YesThatsATurdOnTheRug]

@hugecliche you honestly sound really self aware and smart and like a good person.

Take it from someone who has been there; there is nothing but regret for you down this road. It may seem exciting/intriguing/flattering - it's not. It's sordid and pathetic and ugly.

Please, please try and hold on to the awareness you have right now and keep in mind the kind of man who would do this. He didn't sleep with you the other night but that could easily have been self preservation - realising you were drunk and not wanting to compromise himself in terms of your consent etc.

Don't let him get in your head. You deserve a clean wholesome loving relationship with a good man who is free and available and who does not bring with him the inevitable baggage of future shame, misery and pain for all involved.