I did something terrible

[hugecliche]

I know I'm terrible. And I know some posters will still pile on just to make sure I feel really, really bad - rest assured I do. But I'm asking for advice and help.

I went on a work night out on Friday and ended up back at my flat with my married boss. We were both phenomenally drunk. We didn't go through with it, but there was plenty of inappropriate chat and touching for a couple of hours before he left and went home.

I can't stop thinking about what happened and how foolish I was on one hand, but also frustrated that I can't really remember it all (often forget wording etc when drunk) which is means it's hard to make sense of it all.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to face him in the office. I don't know how to act at all.

[billy1966]

Well done OP, you sound like a great woman👍.

"When you know better, you do better".

Good for you.💐

[Chocpear]

V sensible decision. Good luck on the job search.

[MsDogLady]

So glad to read your update, OP.

[GirlDownUnder]

We spent some time together at a work event this week which felt too friendly still so I sent a very clear message saying that we needed distance and boundaries.

Well done on recognising the 'too friendly' bit, and then instigating distance and boundaries.

Good luck on the job search

[hugecliche]

*mumsnetters

[hugecliche]

Thank you @SoTiredTonight. Now to start a thread about mumsnet tees finding me a job

[SoTiredTonight]

I’ve followed your thread but don’t think I’ve posted before @hugecliche. I just wanted to say that I feel you’ve dealt with the whole issue remarkably well. I wish you all the best and hope that work/finding a new job works out well for you.

[hugecliche]

I just wanted to update and I say I think I've put it all to bed. We spent some time together at a work event this week which felt too friendly still so I sent a very clear message saying that we needed distance and boundaries.

He has replied and agreed and I genuinely believe him. We have agreed to be colleagues only, not even work friends and he is aware that I'm looking for a new job (I was thinking about it anyway).

I'm sure some will still think I'm being naive but I've been clear with him and will now hold him and myself to these new boundaries. Now I need to work on some of the odd feelings it has brought up for me and my view of myself.

[ScoobyCan]

@hugecliche - I've been in your position. I was working abroad, the number of inter-office relationships (affairs...) were staggering. It was viewed as quite normal - the directors used to joke in meetings "oh JP, you can visit the XX office [400km away / flight away], then you get a couple of days with your mistress"

The Vice President laid it on to me thick. He was a notorious flirt, used his position and his power like nobody's business to get younger employees to sleep with him.

He wasn't even attractive. He had a wife and children in his home country. I did a lot of the number crunching and slide preparation for his presentations to the board, we worked late together in the office. He would arrange for drivers to drive me home - he would come too. In the limo. It was hugely flattering and I so nearly went there. Somehow I came to my senses - it might have been when he phoned me one night and jerked off whilst we were on the phone - I felt that the blurred boundaries were all too much. I resigned, he got moved thousands of miles away. I expect he's just the same. It's like the ugly member of the successful band - the groupies are still enamoured. It's hard to distinguish between flattery and the desperation of these men on power trips. I say men, as I didn't experience it with women. Keep your distance, you are worth more than this.

[MsDogLady]

But I don’t want to be the person who has an affair with a married man. So I won’t be.

Yet you weakened your boundaries for this married man on two separate occasions. He “announced” that he was coming in and you allowed it. Then he summoned you for coffee and you bonded over the close call and how you two will now navigate the office. He used the power imbalance to play you like a fiddle.

There is a new dynamic to your relationship: man/woman. You have agency here, but have still not shut this down by mentally and verbally drawing a firm line.

You need to clearly assert your integrity.

[Sunnytimesahead]

@hugecliche - I just wanted to say we all make mistakes. The fact that you have recognised your part in this mistake is a good thing.
Move on from this, you have already learnt from it. I wish you well for the future.

[GirlDownUnder]

OP he's older, experienced, and your boss. I can see why you're flattered. He's feeding your ego, and it feels nice.

I think you're pretty much understanding that much, but you need to fully realise it, and that 'you' are actually pretty unimportant in his wooing of you. There will be other you's.

Look at what he is doing / has done - flattered you by helping your career, and now force teaming with you ie sharing how he fobbed off his wife, all the 'we' chat re "near miss, about how we act moving forwards, about him not over/under compensating with how he treats me, about how we can't believe it"

If you have to spend time with him, listen for this ^ and take more ownership of the conversation by shutting this down.

Also definitely limit your alcohol consumption around him, because any good intentions will be out the window.

Remember too, that you don't want to leave because you've worked hard for 5 years, but if you get involved with him, he's already shown he can help your career but that means if you piss him off, or become a liability, he possibly has the power to fuck your career up too.

Good luck.

[TheBewildernessisWeetabix]

I got blindsided like that once by a supervisor,.
Knew him for years and he never once hinted or made a move on me until he suddenly did, not coincidentally when there was alcohol involved.
I never trusted him again.

[Freezingold]

OP I do think that reading the posts from wives who have been cheated on, and emotional as they are, and not ‘sympathetic’, will give you the clearest and most powerful pointers of how to navigate your situation.

It is only when your Bosses wife is firmly in your head, and your heart, and their children too (at the moment very distance and abstract figures), that you will shake yourself out of this.

So in the kindest way possible, your answer is not guidance and help for you and how you act. It’s getting your head more into the people whose lives will be devastated, his wife and children. When they are more present for you in your mind, your reactions such as giggling or ending up in flat will not happen again. You will not be in any way receptive, which you have been, and now you won’t.

It’s not simple, like you say, to be thinking of the wife, this person who is real and most probably loves her husband and her family are her whole world. As I think posts from other wives have in turn triggered you. Instead of defensiveness, just take these posts from other wives who have been through similar and notice the pain behind their words.

That’s your way to navigate this.

[dayswithaY]

hugecliche this thread is triggering for me - my fault for reading it, I know. It is a mirror of a situation that happened to me - causing a lot of people pain, mental illness and ultimately, a tragic death. Of course, you are not to know that and I'm not suggesting the same thing will happen here. But you must understand that a lot of people still carry the wounds from their betrayals and feel the need to speak up when you bare your soul on here. You must have known that your words would cause some strong reactions so in that respect, you seem a little unkind.

The words you used in your original post were "we ended up at my flat." Naturally, anyone reading this would assume that it was at your invitation, there is no point drip feeding information if you want solid advice. You are now lashing out in a vain attempt to restore your character - utterly pointless as this is an anonymous forum. I won't be commenting again, as you have received lots of advice from well meaning people which you don't seem to have taken, preferring instead to pull people up on minor details in your story.

[springydaff]

I do think you're learning your lesson - in the same way I did, by experiencing it, actually living through it. It means that next time - and there will be a next time as men and women (hetero) occupy a close space over long times at work - you recognise the path and give it an enormous swerve at the very start.

It's all very well having the theory, which does a very good job up to a point, but experience is where it really happens. Those who have been the victim of these liaisons ie abandoned spouses recognise the path early too, not because they've done it, or been near to it, but that they've had it done to them. It's easy to see then.

I don't know how much more you can do than be fully prepared and planning to leave your job. That shows your full commitment and responsibility imo.

[KundaliniRising]

Op some people may feel triggered by your thread, they may have been the wives or partners of cheating men.

I would like to give you a (((hug))) as you sound rather 'innocent' in many ways and he sounds rather predatory. You have been brave to bring your issue here and you sound as though you are listening to people on your thread. You sound as though you are taking on board what others are saying and that you regret what happened.

It is a shame that you didnt say to him that you have no idea what he is talking about as you cant remeber due to being rather pissed.

I hope that things go well for you and i am sorry that you are getting a hard time on here. But it sounds as though you have learned a valuable lesson.

[SmileyClare]

Well keep posting on here if you have no one to talk to about this.

You're right that you're trying to process everything on here. It's clear that you're very muddled up and confused!
You think you have feelings for him, then you don't, you have zero intention of having an affair then you can't trust yourself around him, it's your fault, no hang on it's his fault he trapped you into this, You're going to put in firm boundaries..you saw him and went all giggly and excited..one minute he's ugly, the next there's an attraction...and so on.

Your head's a mess OP! You need direction with this otherwise you're heading for a car crash situation.

[Jenala]

OP you must know the only thing many posters on MN hate more than men is OW. Many are pure and holy and would never get into this situation by mistake and then be worrying about how to extricate themselves from it.

Try and ignore those derailing the thread, you know you made a mistake but it could have been much worse and he is just as much, if not more, culpable.

My advice would be to try and stay really mindful of your thoughts and feelings. When you feel that giggly, flattered feeling, notice it. You probably won't be able to stop it immediately and you definitely shouldn't berate yourself for it - but do note it. Recognising our emotions and thinking "oh look I'm feeling X again" takes half the power out of them. You need to avoid that trap of a dopamine high where someone you like wants you. It's hard to say no to. Obviously try and avoid time with him as much as you reasonably can. And maybe keep a bit of a mantra in your head, something that's works for you, maybe "I wonder how how wife would feel if she was watching him right now". Anything to keep some psychological distance and see him for who he is.

Then it's just a waiting game. Enough time and active refusal to engage in eye contact and flirting etc will make it all dissipate, I'm certain, until one day you'll look at him and think wtf was I ever thinking!

[hugecliche]

I don't know why you're picking on this. I've said repeatedly that you are right. I am responsible for this and am both facing it and asking for help moving forwards.

I'm not evading or avoiding the responsibility, I'm simply processing it on here as I can hardly talk about it in real life.

[ScarlettBlaize]

I don't think anyone has really misrepresented anything, other than the people who thought you were saying you'd been promoted as a result.

I remember him announcing he was coming in and getting out the cab quite clearly.

and at that point you had lots of options that weren't enthusiastically going along with it and embarking on several hours of 'inappropriate touching' and heavy flirting. Be real

I think you've had some very good, constructive, fair advice on here - most of us have experienced this kind of thing (from whichever angle) and I personally think you would do better to focus on that rather than arguing over details that don't change anything.

[hugecliche]

I understand why it looks that way, I'm just reassuring you I don't mean it to. The whole point of starting this thread was to face what had happened and my part both in getting there and handling it moving forwards.

I can remember that part. There are holes in my memory yes but I remember him announcing he was coming in and getting out the cab quite clearly.

Does it make a difference? No perhaps not, I just wanted to clear it off because things like that pick up speed on threads and the story ends up changing while you're offline.

[ScarlettBlaize]

But nitpicking over who exactly issued the invitation isn't relevant. Unless you are saying that he forced his way in to your home, or put loads of pressure on you in some other way to accept, it makes no difference at all to the context of what happened, and focusing on that just makes it seem like you're not willing to fully accept responsibility.

@SmileyClare has said all this very eloquently above.

To be honset though, in your OP you said you:

ended up back at my flat with my married boss.

We were both phenomenally drunk.

frustrated that I can't really remember it all (often forget wording etc when drunk) which is means it's hard to make sense of it all.

Given those statements, I'm surprised that you can be so crystal clear about him inviting himself, rather than you inviting him.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to face him in the office. I don't know how to act at all.

[hugecliche]

*bad and

[hugecliche]

I am doing scarlett. I started this thread to say that I had done something and and needed to sort it out.

I was making corrections because threads are alway like Chinese whispers which can end up steering the narrative. I.e. I invited him in, we made out, he's a company director, he has children etc. All of those are on here without being true and can sometimes cloud the issue.