I did something terrible

[hugecliche]

I know I'm terrible. And I know some posters will still pile on just to make sure I feel really, really bad - rest assured I do. But I'm asking for advice and help.

I went on a work night out on Friday and ended up back at my flat with my married boss. We were both phenomenally drunk. We didn't go through with it, but there was plenty of inappropriate chat and touching for a couple of hours before he left and went home.

I can't stop thinking about what happened and how foolish I was on one hand, but also frustrated that I can't really remember it all (often forget wording etc when drunk) which is means it's hard to make sense of it all.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to face him in the office. I don't know how to act at all.

[Justaboy]

We are going for coffee tomorrow. Will be awkward but better to clear the air I suppose as we have to travel together a bit next month

Weyhey! thats scarey!, best to stick to the Black strong coffee and lay off the demon drink!.

Else his base desires and yours will come to greif:(

[hugecliche]

Wait, so he's promoted you

No, not at all. I was just saying that he had done something good for my career yesterday rather than bad. It's not a big deal, nothing anyone else could have had and something he sometimes would do before anyway. Just an opportunity you wouldn't give if you were then going to try and force someone out which PPs were worried about

[ScarlettBlaize]

I think the fact that you think.this is the first time he's done something like this is either impressively self-deceiving or frighteningly naive.

If you genuinely believe it, you are embarking on a whole world of bad decisions.

[hugecliche]

scarlett I don't understand that logic - surely anyone who has ever cheated has had a first time?

And surely a regular cheat doesn't stop the situation and remove himself when sex is on the cards?

[joystir59]

I think if you aren't careful you are going to slide into having an affair with him. You should not be meeting him for coffee imo

[LimpidPools]

ukgift2016 She's not 'the' other woman. At most, she's 'some' other woman. They're not having an affair.

That said... this is all starting to look a bit fishy OP. Where originally it was the embarrassing and bad behaviour of the very drunk, now you're getting career boosts, meeting for coffee and will soon be travelling together.

It's not an affair yet.

It's certainly got the makings of one. I wonder if half of what you can't remember came straight off the script, by any chance.

[LuluBellaBlue]

I actually think meeting him for a coffee will be good, a chance to clear the air and reset the boundaries for continuing to work together.
You made a mistake, don’t let that ruin all of your hard work.
For all we know this might of been his first time cheating and he may feel awful and deeply regret it. There are some decent men out there that make mistakes!
Good luck for today OP, let us know how it goes.

[SmileyClare]

Agree with joystir You're on the edge of a slippery slope here. Come on, be honest with yourself, there's a part of you that is secretly thrilled you're meeting for coffee..you're agonising about whether you have "feelings for him". Just stop it. DO NOT OPEN THIS CAN OF WORMS.

Tell him it was a huge mistake, you were drunk and want to forget it. The end.

[ScarlettBlaize]

And surely a regular cheat doesn't stop the situation and remove himself when sex is on the cards?

You are painfully gullible and it's completely obvious where this is going.

But I don't think you mind that really, do you?

[CommunistLegoBloc]

Don't meet him for coffee. Little dripfeed of going travelling alone with him makes me think you've already considered what might happen. Just leave it. He's not a good man. You are not special and his 'first'. Have some dignity and detach from the situation rather than indulging in some exciting will-they-wont-they drama.

[wowfudge]

There's a lot of conjecture on this thread. If I were the OP I would think about the various possible scenarios and have a response prepared. That way you aren't on the back foot and can respond professionally.

[hugecliche]

There's a lot of conjecture on this thread.

There's also a lot of Chinese whispers. No where did I say I'd been promoted. I'm not loving the situation and I didn't drip feed about travel.

I was trying to explain that it's not as simple as ignoring him and telling him I'm too busy for weeks. We work in a small office - I sit and face him all day. We travel together, we have our meetings in coffee shops and pubs etc. It's the culture of the office.

So no, there's no avoiding him and cracking on. And yes of course a small part of me is nervous because apparently there must be some attraction there or it wouldn't have happened. But I don't want to be the person who has an affair with a married man. So I won't be.

[SmileyClare]

there's a lot of conjecture on this thread

Well let's face it, this sort of scenario is so fucking predictable.

The Tried and Tested conduct of a cheating married man at work:

1. Pick a target who is younger, impressionable and unlikely to question you calling the shots due to a power imbalance.

2.Test the waters with some flirting and suggestive talk at work

1. Push boundaries further on a work night out, ensuring there is a moment where you become separated from everyone else by chance

1. Put up a show of resistance to an affair, thus giving the impression you're a decent man. State how guilty you feel, you've never done this before, you're not sure etc

1. Flatter target at work and reward them for encouraging your advances.

1. Construct time alone with target. Eg business trip.

1. Lament how your wife doesn't understand you, you have marital problems etc to garner sympathy and minimise guilt on all sides.

1. Commence affair.

[DollyDaydreamss]

Ha ha - stop kidding yourself OP. You clearly want an affair with this man so crack on! For what it's worth, I don't particularly make moral judgements on that but it's clear what you'd like to do

[CommunistLegoBloc]

@smileyclare Bingo.

[CastawayMay]

I would just put it out of your head OP.
No one's perfect, chalk it up to experience and move on away from him .

[Lipz]

Just meet him and see what he says. He may just want to clear the air, make sure there's no weird vibe between you and probably ask you not to tell anyone. It was a mistake you don't want to have an affair with him so it's your chance to let him know this so that you can both continue to have a working relationship.

[6demandingchildren]

Not all men are cheats, maybe he wants to chat as he made a huge mistake and is making sure the op knows nothing like this is to happen ever again.
Our native everyone else is right who knows?

[Sweetandawfulsour]

Wow. A lot of judgemental cowbags on mumsnet!
You’re not a bad person for finding a married man attractive. Nor is he for finding someone he’s not married to attractive. We’re not made of wood. I’ve had a near miss with a married boss before. We just carried on as if nothing happened but I feel he was getting kicks over it as it was a sordid little secret.

Meet for coffee, don’t play the blame game and draw a line under it. There’s no need for heartfelt apologies, reasoning or prolonging the agony. Don’t overthink things, it was a drunken fumble.
Hope things run smoothly and you don’t go a lovely shade of crimson when you see him

[Sheld0r]

I would meet up with him to see what he has to say. It'll be good for you both to clear the air and move on. It was a drunken mistake. Just be glad that you're not his wife. I would just make sure that I wasn't under any influence of any alcohol on the business trips with him that are coming up.

[TheHonestTruth100]

Good luck with this coffee meeting (today?) OP. I don't think it's a bad thing to go to it but if it's anything other than clearing the air, agreeing to draw the line and that it will never ever be happening again then I would run a mile. Would definitely recommend avoiding being drunk around him and anything other than work contact from now on though.

[billy1966]

OP,
You will be the looser in this scenario if you commence a fling.

Be very clear on that.

I would deny any memory of anything other than you being a bit emotional about your ex and him being kind!

Deny, deny, deny.

Do NOT get into any personal discussion.

Do not have any further conversations with him.

You are at a crossroads. Stick to being absolutely professional. Otherwise you are entering a potential shit show and honestly I have absolutely no sympathy for you if you knowingly enter it.

Oh, and in a small office, it will be noticed soooooooo quickly that ye are shagging.

[SmileyClare]

I think the problem is that you're letting him call all the shots here Op and unless you suddenly force that dynamic to change you are simply along for the ride, and going along with what he wants.

Some examples that ring alarm bells;
I find the power imbalance attractive
He suggested we went to another bar alone
He decided to stop before we slept together and left
He text me to meet for coffee
I wouldn't dream of saying No, he's the CEO
I'm nervous about what he'll say

Can you see that he's in the driving seat and you're giving him all the power?
Instead of worrying what he'll say or do next, stick to what you want to say and do.

I'm not saying this to be a "judgmental cow bag" just trying to give you the benefit of my own experience! Keep your eyes open to what is happening here.

[Simonsaysitschristmas]

It doesn’t sound to me like he wants an affair at all? Maybe I am naive but it sounds like at coffee today he will explain it was a mistake and he probably wants to make sure it won’t become office gossip.

Good luck today, OP.

[LemonPrism]

I would forgive that yes, because he didn't do it but I'd not like you very much. You got drunk, move on