Leaving dh.... have u done it?

[Boristhecats]

I think I need to leave my dh. I have not been happy for years. He is a lovely man. And when I say lovely I mean really lovely. But I am just not happy.

I have a 16 year old daughter.
I’m not sure what to do for the best. Do I stay for now as my daughter is doing her gcse this year and I don’t want to rock the boat for her.

I’m not interested in turning her world upside down for now so I’m not moving to sell the house so I will be starting with nothing. I am fine with that. I couldn’t afford to stay in the house on my own so I would move out and my husband and daughter can still be in the house. I’m happy with that as I don’t want my daughter living anywhere else for now as Her life is here and I don’t want to turn that upside down.
She is my main priority and that would be the same for both me and my husband, she comes first and always will. This is something we have discussed.
I only earn £1000 a month and where I am a studio flat is over £450 a month. So I would have to get a second job. Until the house is sold later. It’s in both our names and doesn’t have much of a mortgage.

Due to money restrictions I have no Private pension. Something I will obviously change.

I have stayed for So long I think as I am absolutely petrified of being on my own. I have been married for over 20 years.
And the thought of doing this on my own with no back up if just so scary.
Has anyone done this. How did U find the courage. How did u cope with being on your own. Did you worry about money. How did u manage. How did you do this.

So you are going to leave your daughter during her GCSE year and start a new life? You write as if you are thinking about your daughter bit are you really?

I’m Not leaving my daughter to start a new life. Living on my own in a bedsit isn’t my idea of new life. How do u read that from what I wrote. I wanted to know other peoples experience. Did u read any of what I wrote ?

I’d wait for her GCSEs to be finished OP, it’s five months top. Put things in place but don’t leave until after she’s finished

Are you close with your daughter op? I'd have been devastated if my mum had left the family home when I was 16. I understand you can't stay in an unhappy marriage but can't your daughter have a choice in who she lives with?

Let your daughter do her GCSEs first

@Heeelllooo987171717 yes that is my intention I think. I really don’t want to rock the boat while this is happening.

@Kittykat93 where I live I could never afford a two bedroom flat. To get that I would have to move further away which would mean pulling her away from her entire life which I do not want as that would turn her entire world upside down. Her friends are here. Her clubs. Her boyfriend. She is very close to both of us. We have a wonderful relationship with her. So I’m happy for her to stay with my dh. I have worked with children for 30 years. I have seen what happens to children when they are used as a pawn between parents. I would never let that happen. There would be no problem with my daughter between me and my husband.

If you have left you dh / partner. How did you cope with it. I’m scared of being on my own if I’m honest. How did you find the courage to actually make that leap.

Your really going to leave your dd? There have been plenty if women it seems in thus site who have gone to the ends of the earth to leave a dh and stay with their kids. Why don’t you want your dd, as she will be asking that?

OP report this thread and get it moved to the relationship board you will find people who have been through it there and support.

OP, if you're already thinking of doing this things must be impossible. I wish people could either leave a challenging thread alone or show some emotional intelligence.

Firstly, why would you leave and not your husband? Is this guilt talking or coming from him?

Secondly, as a PP had said, if you've waited this long is an extra 5 months at all managable in any way?

Take care

So people on here think it is better for her to pull her away from her entire life to live in a small two bedroom flat miles away from everything she knows rather than leave her with her father and her entire life ???? He is an amazing father. We have both bought her up equally.
She is 16. Spends most of her time out with her friends and boyfriends. Her clubs she loves. How can I pull her away from all of that. I would be a few streets away. See her all the time. How is that abandoning her.

Why don’t you divorce and he can leave and you stay with your daughter or sell up?

Have you had any relationship therapy or counselling to find out what is making you unhappy? Is it something that could be changed inside the marriage, like feeling the urge to travel or move or not as intimate as you want to be with DH?

If you do move out, I'd ideally do it after your DDs A-Level years.

@PleaseHelpM3 I would leave. I cannot afford this house on my own. And it is important to me that if there is upheaval I keep her in her own house with her friends etc and keep the massive change and the effects of that to a minimum.
I would still pick her up from school everyday. Do everything I do now with her. She is 16. When she is not revising she is off with her friends. My input to most of that is taxi driver. I’m trying to keep this as stable as possible for her.
When I say my husband is lovely I mean lovely. There is no guilt. No horribleness.

Should I be staying till she is 18 then is that what people think. Serious question.

When I divorced, I downsized and bought a new home for me and dc.

I'm still trying to work out why you want to leave your DH (as you haven't said why or that you have had and relationship therapy to sort out any issues) where you are financially secure and not in an abusive relationship to move into a hovel somewhere miles away from friends and family and are going to have current and future financial issues.

@Kpo58. I don’t love him anymore.

Yes I would wait until she's 18. Maybe at uni?
I know that's probably a difficult thought, now you've made the decision to go. But although your motives are about what's best for her, she may not see it that way, and may feel you don't want her, and are rejecting her.

Don't risk that. You could lose your relationship with your daughter.

I separated from my DH 9 months ago. Different situation though as I was lucky enough to be able to buy him out of the family home and we've stayed here and he's moved out. Even so, it's been tough on the DC. I'm much happier now, but they're not. And it's been amicable. But they're 7 and 8. If they had been 16 I would have waited.

Good luck.

Another genuine question. Do people stay with someone they don’t love because the man is lovely and they are finally stable.

@changeisasgoodas thanks for the answer. She is my most main priority in this and I just want to do what is the best for her. Which is why I asked on her for people’s experiences. Can I ask how u got the courage to go? Was it scary.

Sorry op, but I just wonder why if this lovely, lovely man is so lovely you want to leave him. None of my business I know.
Your much loved daughter sounds like she is getting on and enjoying her life because she comes from a stable , loving background.
What would happen if you or her dad moved out...she would get to feel responsible for the parent she’s left at home with.
That’s what I think would happen.
I’m from a family of three and it can be very intense.
In there.
I know I would’ve been devastated if my mum had left . I’d have thought there was something wrong with me. My dad not so. Although make no mistake I’d have been upset still..I’d have been propping up my mum while attempting to study for my A levels.

I would go to relate and talk it all through and out each pitfall under the microscope.
Does your dh know how unhappy you are for example.
I certainly wouldn’t be planning any sudden move until your daughter has got through her A levels.

Plenty of people do stay in loveless relationships, especially if there isn't abuse or someone else on the scene. Some stay married so that their partner can have pension and other death benefits. Though I'm not saying this is right for you.

It was a bit different for me. I'd been thinking of leaving him for a while, then I discovered messages to another woman on his phone so that was the catalyst I needed.

Have you met someone else? I'm just wondering why it's suddenly become so urgent.

@changeisasgoodas I have been unhappy for such a long time now. I have just got to the point where I’m so unhappy. I never saw myself staying with someone if I didn’t love them. I didn’t realise that lots of people did though.
Am I considered to be selfish then to want to have someone I love and to be happy.
Financial security shouldn’t be a reason to stay is it?

How does living in a loveless marriage work. Do you still share the same bed. Do stuff together ? Again. A genuine question.
Having to live together and live separate lives seems mad to me.