Leaving dh.... have u done it?

[Boristhecats]

I think I need to leave my dh. I have not been happy for years. He is a lovely man. And when I say lovely I mean really lovely. But I am just not happy.

I have a 16 year old daughter.
I’m not sure what to do for the best. Do I stay for now as my daughter is doing her gcse this year and I don’t want to rock the boat for her.

I’m not interested in turning her world upside down for now so I’m not moving to sell the house so I will be starting with nothing. I am fine with that. I couldn’t afford to stay in the house on my own so I would move out and my husband and daughter can still be in the house. I’m happy with that as I don’t want my daughter living anywhere else for now as Her life is here and I don’t want to turn that upside down.
She is my main priority and that would be the same for both me and my husband, she comes first and always will. This is something we have discussed.
I only earn £1000 a month and where I am a studio flat is over £450 a month. So I would have to get a second job. Until the house is sold later. It’s in both our names and doesn’t have much of a mortgage.

Due to money restrictions I have no Private pension. Something I will obviously change.

I have stayed for So long I think as I am absolutely petrified of being on my own. I have been married for over 20 years.
And the thought of doing this on my own with no back up if just so scary.
Has anyone done this. How did U find the courage. How did u cope with being on your own. Did you worry about money. How did u manage. How did you do this.

They have a wonderful relationship. Have a hobby they do together. He is a wonderful dad. She would not be living with the devil she would be living with her father and I will be just round the corner.

People really think that it is better to up end her entire life. Loose everything ? How is that better.

But you are abandoning your daughter - at the very least you have to accept she may want to come and live with you. Then what do you do?

For various reasons, I have had to research and read about how childhood/young adult experiences affect people. Your daughter will suffer - whatever you say. At the very least you need to accept that she may want to live with you - don’t say “she can’t”. You need to think of how you will manage that response.

So. I have to stay with a man I don’t love. In a sex less marriage miserable all because I have financial security. That’s insane.

So. All the people who have split up with their partners are selfish and awful and only thinking of themselves.

I don’t understand why you feel your only options are staying in that house or leaving for a bedsit. Surely you arrange to sell the house and use the equity to buy a smaller, more manageable house?

If your husband is so lovely surely he won’t leave you penniless with his child? He would have to pay child support until your daughter finishes education I.e at least 18!

@Hels20 if she wants to live with me that’s fine. I would love that. I would have to re look at things again

No. You just have to fucking own that it will impact her. Live with it.

@MrsWhites I wanted my daughter to be able to stay in the house she knows while all this was happening. Somewhere safe. I didn’t realise this would mean I would be monster.

Must be better to up end her. Or better still put myself into a huge amount of debt that I could never pay off.

She would be with her father. I’m sure how other people’s families are. Why are people not up in arms about my husband not living with her. Why does it not work both ways

Boris I don't think you should stay with him if you're not happy, but I don't think it would hurt to wait until after your daughter's finished her GCSEs. Then make a long term plan to divorce and agree a settlement that will allow both you and her Dad to have a accommodation suitable for her to split the time between you both. I just don't get what the rush is?

You’re jumping way ahead OP and making decisions based around your (perceived) costs. You’ve made calculations on what you can afford and what will happen when this happens etc etc but you’re in an echo chamber. Other possibilities: your husband moves out and you and dd stay (stop thinking costs as you I don’t know what he wil want or what settlement you might reach), you sell up and both rehome equally (most likely), you stay in the marriage but explore counselling or an open marriage. The most important thing is to stop thinking as if your imagined outcomes and catastrophe thinking is the only path open to you and actually talk and explore what the other people in this feel and want too. Trust me, I’ve seen it: leaving your dd would be emotionally damaging for her.

Does you hisband have a private pension or company pension ? If someone why don’t you have one ? You mention money restrictions and yet you say that your husband has a well paid job and you also work full time.

Why have you been so short of money with one very good wage and one modest wage coming into the house ?

How do you imagine life will work when you move out. So you expect that your daughter will come round to see you in your bed sit for 3 nights a week ?

What about all the taxi duties that you do now? Will you husband do all of these as he’s the parent with whom she lives 100% of the time? Do you think you will go around to his house and cook dinner for the 3 days a week you do at the moment ?

How Has it worked during school holidays for the last 11 years, as you and your husband both work full time ? Or do you both take half of the 13 weeks as holiday ?

I’m trying to work out how a parent who says they do 50% of the parenting right now can propose to move out and do 0% of the parenting and assume that won’t impact on either their child or the other parent ?

You sound to me like a man who is trying to write a reverse thread.

I’m curious as to why you earn so little. Sounds like you need to increase your earning potential before you leave as you’ll have to contribute to your daughters expenditure. It’s not just about paying for rent. What do you propose you do when she wants to stay over at yours or have friends round to mums?
I left my loveless marriage a few years ago however I made plans for my dc and my financial security before I left. I work incredibly hard full time with overtime to provide for us even with their df maintenance.
I am lonely but happily single.
If there is no urgency to leave perhaps due to dv then I’d advise using the time between now and her exams to get your finances in order.
As a parent I’d suck it up to get through the exam period.
If This is for real I’d suggest taking your rose tinted specs off for single parenthood.

In a sex less marriage miserable

So that’s what’s at the bottom of it..

I don’t think anyone has ever implied that your husband has been nothing but a good father.
I certainly applaud their good relationship and didn’t pick up anything negative about it.

What happened to the sex part of your marriage..was that discussed with the counsellor.
Was it always this way?
Or did things just slide?
Does he still love you?
In a family of three there can be very intense bonds formed. I have forgotten a lot of my training and theory now.. but it sounds like your daughter and husband have a strong bond and you could be feeling on the outside.
Does that sound right.
Counselling is often about exploring the dark sides of ourselves, the bit we don’t like to admit to..and I’ll stick my hand up, much loved child as I was I resented my dad for taking my mum away from me

Now that is only a feeling..but it was there ..if only fleetingly..obviously there’s the parent bond, mother and child bond, dad and child bond.
Did mum feel a bit left out when dad and I did things together..maybe not so much, but I bet dad felt a bit left out when mum and I did things together and I certainly did when they did things together.

There’s nothing wrong with this , it’s completely natural, human beings are very complex. It was right that mum and dad should have the strong bond..to support one another when I left the family home for college

And I didn’t have any murderous thoughts btw lol
I probably haven’t explained this very well so ignore if it doesn’t make sense.

My exh and I split up 3 years ago dd was 13 and Ds 12. We decided to sell the house. Exh rented for a while and I stayed in the family home until it sold then we moved into a cheaper house. Could you do this?

@giggly already said I need to look at my work options.

@Dowser thanks for your post. I’m wondering if people also think she will feel abandoned by her dad if he moves out. The emphasis always seems to be on the children living with the mum. Because of their hobby together they spend way more time together than we do. I just don’t see how her living with me would be fine and her not being abandoned but living with her dad she would be.

@boredboredboredboredbored that would be the intention. I just wanted her to live somewhere she knew during the first inital split.

@Boris, of course she would feel abandoned by her dad if he made the decision that you are considering. Many more men than women make that decision and I think many live to regret it.

Another genuine question. Do people on here think that dads don’t have the right to have their children with them. I have worked with children for years. And seen them been shoved back and forth between two houses. It is awful to watch and see. Surely if the parents have split up it should be the parents that go back and forth and not the children. It’s the parents who made this a thing in the first place

Thank you Boris..I’ve got father rusty at the job I loved..but am wondering what the two of you , you and dh did together..before things slid away

It almost seems like your dd and dh have a stronger bond than the pair of you.

What would your DH like for his future? Does he want to scale back a bit on work, go travelling, try something new. Ask him, you might be surprised.

@Dowser I don’t think so. We do stuff together as well. I just don’t see why it would make a difference who she lives with. She knows we both love her. We both have a very strong relationship with her. Which we have both worked at very hard.

I just want her to be where she is now with her friends and her hobbies. I guess I just didn’t realise that her living with her father would be seen as me abandoned her. Just don’t understand why it doesn’t work for both parents.
I have seen children ripped apart by this sort of thing. So I want to make this the easiest I can for her and being in her own room. With her friends round the corner and her life here. Rather than being dragged two towns away from everything. I can’t magic money out of thin air. If I could it would be different. But this would be just for the first little while. While things get sorted and then we can move on

Then another move when I got the money. I really am very unhappy and have been for a few years now. Waiting till after exams is good. But at some point it has to happen. I’m not prepared to live with a man I don’t love and have sexy with a man I don’t like that way. Does that make me selfish. Apparently it does. I just didn’t realise that.

I'm confused op. In one post you say you don't want to drag your daughter miles away from everything to live with you, but in the next post you say you'd only be round the corner a couple of streets away. Which is it?

Your household set up seems very usual to me.

So you H has lots of qualifications and a well paid job. You, OTOH, have been working full time in a NMW job for at least 17 years ( you say you work full time, so 37.5 hours at NMW is £ 1,272 a month).

Despite this, for the Last 17 years you say you have have split the parenting, family leave and housework 50:50 for this . You have either taken leave or had paid childcare for all the school holidays and before and after school when you Dd was younger. Your husband split all the maternity / paternity leave with you equally and takes half the sick days off work.

I realise that this is all theoretically possible . But I’ve never heard of it actually happening . In practice the high earning man has got his well paid job And large pension because his wife does all the grunt work and sacrifices her career.

The only men I know who do ANYTHING like 50% of parenting , housework and wife-work are those few who are SAHD or those Families where both parents work part time. I struggle to believe it’s happening in your household.

Your post reads to me like it’s been written by a man . A man who assumes that he has done 50% of everything for the past 16 years but conveniently ignores any facts that don’t fit.

And who wants to believe that leaving his partner and child won’t impact adversely on either of them. And you think MN will tell you everything will be ok if you pretend to be female.

Either way OP, whether you are Male or female, no one is making you stay. Leave if you want but please be more realistic about the impact on your DD and also The financial imbalance in your relationship.

Look we are all different. Some it has worked for, some it hasn’t. I like madcatladys post..she never met a lovely man. I was lucky..after my divorce came through..I met a lovely man..straightaway..and my life has been amazing..but it all could have been so different.
I might not have met anyone to share my life with or I might have met one idiot after another

This fundamentally misunderstands the purpose of leaving someone you don’t love. It’s not to find someone else. It’s because you don’t love them. Living on your own is better than living with someone you don’t love. You can feel more lonely with the latter than with living a fulfilled single life. It’s an old fashioned concept that you have to have a partner to be happy you know. In fact single women are shown to be the happiest of all.