Leaving dh.... have u done it?

[Boristhecats]

I think I need to leave my dh. I have not been happy for years. He is a lovely man. And when I say lovely I mean really lovely. But I am just not happy.

I have a 16 year old daughter.
I’m not sure what to do for the best. Do I stay for now as my daughter is doing her gcse this year and I don’t want to rock the boat for her.

I’m not interested in turning her world upside down for now so I’m not moving to sell the house so I will be starting with nothing. I am fine with that. I couldn’t afford to stay in the house on my own so I would move out and my husband and daughter can still be in the house. I’m happy with that as I don’t want my daughter living anywhere else for now as Her life is here and I don’t want to turn that upside down.
She is my main priority and that would be the same for both me and my husband, she comes first and always will. This is something we have discussed.
I only earn £1000 a month and where I am a studio flat is over £450 a month. So I would have to get a second job. Until the house is sold later. It’s in both our names and doesn’t have much of a mortgage.

Due to money restrictions I have no Private pension. Something I will obviously change.

I have stayed for So long I think as I am absolutely petrified of being on my own. I have been married for over 20 years.
And the thought of doing this on my own with no back up if just so scary.
Has anyone done this. How did U find the courage. How did u cope with being on your own. Did you worry about money. How did u manage. How did you do this.

Apologies for typos a terrible parent.

how will taking classes make me love my husband again

It won’t but being out and about, meeting new people, learning new skills will improve your mental status.

You’ll have things to look forward too, think of it as arranging your life before you and your husband part.

Have you and your DH had any sort of discussions about this drifting apart? it can happen, it happened to me. I tried to get him to go to marriage counselling but he wouldn’t. There had been an issue with his sister that had been the last straw.

I did leave my DH and DS was around 15 however financially it was zero issue for me. As he is lovely he offered to move out and was going to lodge with a colleague initially but the colleague needed a month to sort out the room. We lived separate but civil lives for that month, we started to talk, really hard deep discussions. He left but still came to pick up DS for football and I still went along to the matches on Saturday. We really missed each other and gradually with the discussions I thawed out. Those talks were hard. Both of us admitting fault. We booked a family holiday together about seven months down the line and agreed to share a triple cabin with three single beds. We had a great holiday and though nothing romantic happened I realised I did still love him. I had also been approached and asked out twice in those months, one guy my age and one much younger and the thought of being with anyone else was just revolting.

People can just end up bogged down with domestic stuff and that had been our slippery slope then the issue with his sister drove a wedge.

Try speaking to him, give it a chance. I can honestly say DH and I now three years down the line are stronger than ever and together.

It’s not selfish to want to feel love but it’s stupid to not try and sort out a relationship with a lovely man. If he won’t engage just like mine wouldn’t then fair enough but it’s worth a try.

OP will you be entitled to tax credits? just thinking that if so it might help things financially.

I would also think hard about how upset your husband will be in terms of its impact on your daughter.

Actually can’t believe the answers you’re getting here OP. Of course not loving your husband is a perfectly good reason to leave! ANY reason anyone wants to leave a relationship is valid, nobody should feel compelled to be in one they don’t want to be. I also don’t really believe in this concept of ‘working’ at relationships where some fundamental element has gone. What’s the point? I’d rather be single, poor and in a bed sit forever than in a relationship I don’t enjoy. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all OP. You’ve got to do what’s right for you. Your daughter is old enough to understand this isn’t about her.

Actually can’t believe the answers you’re getting here OP

Why? She’s seems resigned to the fact she has to leave rather than battle out a better position for herself. She needs legal advise.

In fact I’d suggest she appears brow beaten and submissive.

OP my parents split up the day before my GCSEs started.

Please, please wait until the exams are over

Cross post, I see you have tried counselling. How long have you felt out of love op?

If the house is a good size, why don't you have separate areas of the house, like your own room and sitting room? Get a better paid job if you want, go out more as a single woman, start divorce proceedings when your DD has finished her exams, meet new people.

I'm struggling to understand why you want to put so much distance between a 'lovely man' simply because you don't love him? Why struggle financially in a small expensive flat, miss your daughter and comfortable home, experience loneliness while you build a new life when you could just live a separate life where you are.

I dont think you can afford even the one bed flat op. I think thats a fantasy and more likely it will be a bedsit or shared house. Have you actually factored in maintenance payments youd make to her father?

Just makes more sense to live separate lives together. You would need to tell him how you feel and divorce, but don't let that stop you meeting new people. And him do the same of course. So tell him ASAP so that you can both move on mentally

Isn’t it that age old question, “what is love?” I always felt Charles was unfairly ridiculed for the “whatever love is” remark. You say your husband is genuinely lovely - but you don’t love him. But after 20 odd years, do you really expect to feel that amazing sexual love. I don’t. That left a while ago but my DH is a good man and I love him - in a different way. I can’t imagine not growing old, not seeing our children grow up TOGETHER, not seeing our grandchildren. Maybe I have lower expectations. I wonder if you are perhaps in a rut...your DD possibly only has 2 more years left at home, is already spreading her wings...

I definitely would NOT announce you are splitting until after GCSEs are done. Be prepared for her to hate you too. For a while.

Good that you’ve already tried counselling..did your husband go with you or did you see the counsellor on your own?

Just wondering if your husband is on the same page as you.

Look we are all different. Some it has worked for, some it hasn’t.
I like madcatladys post..she never met a lovely man
I was lucky..after my divorce came through..I met a lovely man..straightaway..and my life has been amazing..but it all could have been so different.
I might not have met anyone to share my life with or I might have met one idiot after another.
I had no choice in the matter..I was cut loose. I actually think I had the better life than my ex

Maybe you will be doing your lovely man a favour if you set him free and he can be truly loved by someone who loves the bones of him.

It was awful what I went through and he put me through hell at the end of our marriage..but I’m grateful..I’ve got a much better life now . I ended up the happier person. My children rallied round me like there was no tomorrow. Our sons kept contact with their dad, but my dds relationship with him hit the rocks and he never got to know his three fabulous grandchildren.

He actually ended up married to the ow, living in her house and having to mind his ps and qs.Resented by her teenage children.
I would have chosen the love, respect and stability he had with me and our family over that any day

But if you’ve tried to rekindle the love and it hasn’t worked what do you do?

Lovely story Mrs Melliflora. I know it doesn’t work for everyone but lovely that it worked for you.

@Hels20 that’s interesting. Thanks for you post. It has given me something to think about.

@dodgeballchamp I’m actually stunned at some of the answers. I never thought that someone would stay with someone they don’t love. It really isn’t fair on my husband and he deserves more and a chance to be happy with someone who loves him.

@GreenTulips nope none of those things. Just trying to keep my child in the home they know and the life they love. Didn’t realise that would be the wrong thing to do. Also when the house is sold in a few years half would be mine.

Of course anyone can leave any relationship at any time, but it will also have consequences, and that's what the OP asked about.

Imagine if you left and then it wasn't the rosy fantasy you'd daydreamed about? You'd feel pretty pissed off at everyone here for saying "follow your heart!"

If you leave a marriage it will always affect your children. It just will. It's up to you whether you think it's worth it or not, but you can't just wish it all away. There will be pain.

I definitely don’t think that you should stay with someone who ultimately makes you unhappy regardless if he is lovely or not.

But I do think that whilst you see your plan as selfless, i.e. taking a small bedsit to allow your daughter to stay in the family home you are failing to see how damaging it will be, having your mum walk out on the family/you during what is a challenging and vital few months for your daughter.

I understand that your intentions are good OP but deep down you must see that it is selfish of you to put your own happiness before your daughters wellbeing. It’s literally 5 months until her GCSE’s.

I don’t understand why you would walk away from everything financially too, surely it is best to wait until the summer and then divorce and take your share of the house equity if there is very little mortgage. That way you can both start again and your daughter will have both parents in a stable home.

If you can’t wait until the summer there has to be more to this.

Then there no reason for you to leave. Ask DH to leave.

This is where people aren’t understanding your decision to go.

It really isn’t fair on my husband and he deserves more and a chance to be happy with someone who loves him.

But like some of us are saying...there are different kinds of love.
You obviously like him as you wouldn’t be so thoughtful about not hurting him..that is one aspect of live
You admire him..he’s a good provider , husband and father
You respect him..you haven’t mentioned that he has a terrible temper, or any bad habits..that wouldn’t fit into your lovely, lovely man description

Is he sliding into comfortable middle age? Has he got a bit boring?
A bit predictable?
It can be all too easy to slide into a rut without realising.

Did you ever truly love him?

@Greentulips. As I have said before staying here is far to expensive. I can not afford to run this house on my own. That is the sole reason. I am not abandoning my child either. And I would like people to stop saying that. She will be living with her father and me just round the corner. How is loving with her father a bad thing. That’s the thing I don’t get.

I know plenty of friends parents who live quite separate lives - they have different interests but they have some shared interests. But they have a history together...”do you remember on that holiday when...” which you wouldn’t have with a new partner.

Only you know how intolerable it all is. Maybe I will feel differently in 10 years time. But I doubt it. During my marriage I have probably met 3 men who I have thought “gosh, if I wasn’t married, I would totally try to get you into bed.” But that feeling passes and I forget about them after a week.

The grass isn’t always greener. I think you could end up very lonely - especially if your DD doesn’t understand.

If you need that sexual love - then you need to split. Don’t try to sugar coat your actions by saying “he deserves better.” Perhaps he does but it sounds like he is happy.

I would not rush things.

I have also seen friends’ parents - instigated by the mother - and the mother has never been happy. She hasn’t found a new partner whilst the husband has.

I think you need time, try to find some new interests, change your job. And think again in 6 to 9 months time if you really want to do it. Knowing you will have an inferior lifestyle, lose friends (you will...) and possibly have a tricky relationship with your daughter for a while.

Splitting up is much easier when one party has been awful.

I can’t get over the “but he is a really lovely man. Truly lovely.” Part of your past.

Op, I really think you should make a bit more of an effort before throwing in the towel, based on the information you have given.

Get a full time job, even a minimum wage job will bring in much more than £1K a month. Maybe your H might like to reduce his hours and do more stuff at home. I just think there are many ways that you can change your life, without giving your DD a, potentially devastating, before and after to her upbringing.

As I have said before staying here is far to expensive

My sister left her DH, she’s the higher earner. She pays half the mortgage until the eldest leaves for uni and then split the profits.

However her DD is picking up all the slack of housework and cooking, by being a default girl.