Leaving dh.... have u done it?

[Boristhecats]

I think I need to leave my dh. I have not been happy for years. He is a lovely man. And when I say lovely I mean really lovely. But I am just not happy.

I have a 16 year old daughter.
I’m not sure what to do for the best. Do I stay for now as my daughter is doing her gcse this year and I don’t want to rock the boat for her.

I’m not interested in turning her world upside down for now so I’m not moving to sell the house so I will be starting with nothing. I am fine with that. I couldn’t afford to stay in the house on my own so I would move out and my husband and daughter can still be in the house. I’m happy with that as I don’t want my daughter living anywhere else for now as Her life is here and I don’t want to turn that upside down.
She is my main priority and that would be the same for both me and my husband, she comes first and always will. This is something we have discussed.
I only earn £1000 a month and where I am a studio flat is over £450 a month. So I would have to get a second job. Until the house is sold later. It’s in both our names and doesn’t have much of a mortgage.

Due to money restrictions I have no Private pension. Something I will obviously change.

I have stayed for So long I think as I am absolutely petrified of being on my own. I have been married for over 20 years.
And the thought of doing this on my own with no back up if just so scary.
Has anyone done this. How did U find the courage. How did u cope with being on your own. Did you worry about money. How did u manage. How did you do this.

Do you want to meet someone else? What if you don’t?

@Sunsetandmoonlight I had not even thought that far ahead. If I met someone I loved then yes that would be wonderful. If I didn’t then I would be on my own. But is it better to be with someone I don’t love than be on my own? Again. Genuine question.

I think pretty much every poster I've seen on here whose parents waited for them to go to uni before splitting up was left with the devastation of feeling like their whole happy childhood experience had been a lie, that they had been deceived.

Waiting until after her GCSE exams seems sensible, but I would consider whether it's wise I wait until she's leaving home to suddenly upend her safe foundation.

Have you had anywhere to talk through why you want to leave with somebody neutral, op?

Living alone is a scary thought because it's an unknown, but it's not scary to do once you get through the upheaval. As long as you're clear in your mind why you're doing it and that it's the right decision.

Have you had relationship counselling op?
You say you don’t love him anymore ...yet surely you loved him once.
Otherwise you wouldn’t have married him.

What changed? You can’t just say you don’t love him any,ore without exploring what happened to make you feel this way.
Is he aware of your feelings?
Does this lovely man have a right to know?
Is there anyone else waiting in the wings?

A good man is hard to find ..as the saying goes...I’d be wanting to look at if the marriage can be put back together first, if you can rekindle that spark

One of the first questions I would ask when I worked at relate is what attracted you to your OH
It was often a big clue..as to what was lacking now..and why the person or couple had sought counselling.

I’d want to pick the marriage apart first before I threw the baby out with the bath water..you’ve had lots of time to ponder about this..but is dh on the same page or is he going to feel like the rug has just been pulled from under him.

It’s very sad op..I had no choice in my marriage break up...my ex had my replacement ready and waiting ...I thought I was in a good marriage...it hit me like a ton of bricks when I was told that he didn’t love me anymore . It devastated our children who were 26, 24 and 22. The youngest still lived with us and our baby grandson.

There’s no two ways about it..someone is going to get hurt. It’s all about minimising the damage.
I got no chance to put our marriage back..I was surplus to requirements...but had he been willing..yes I would’ve definitely have given it a go.

Why do you earn so much less than your husband, if you have always shared the parenting, housework and family leave ?

How bad are things OP? Honestly? If he's abusive, then I understand your reasons for needing to move out imminently. But if that's the case, DD needs to stay with you.

If you no longer love him, but things at home are ok, then I think you need stay until after your daughters GCSEs. Then you can start looking for a long term solution that works for everyone. Moving into a bed sit feels like a bit of a knee jerk reaction.

If you're that desperately unhappy, what kind of model for relationships do you want to give your daughter? One where's there no love left, one party is deeply unhappy and both parties are living separate lives?

You write like you are unhappily. You don’t want to live alone, yet you could live with your DD and he could move out.

If he earns more he can help pay the mortgage until she’s 18.

Have you spoken to a solicitor? You seem resigned to be the one to leave.

My sister left, kids same age and older. Their relationship is not the same. The nice husband turned nasty.

I wouldn’t do that to the kids and I think kids are naturally closer to their mothers.

I think you need to work on your self esteem and start doing more for your own well being.

You're kidding yourself if you think her Mum moving out in her 16 year old world will be fine cos she's in the same house!
Stay where you are. Yes, you can survive 5 months . Then get your plans underway

Try and identify what the problem is that means leaving and diivorce. I see no evidence of good reason. It may be with some sort of talking therapy you will be able to work through it. Do you have low self esteem, perhaps? Are you worried about when your daughter leaves?

If theres no good reason dont upset her at a big time in her life. Use this sensitive time to work out whats going on with you to be thinking leaving is an answer to what appears on here to be not the end of the road.

You've waited this long, it would make the world of difference to your DD coming up to her GCSEs if you left when they are finished.

Can't you see that?

Is your husband unhappy too..or does he think everything is fine.

@IM0GEN because he has a better job than me. Way more qualifications than I have. I love my job but it doesn’t pay as much as his does.

@Dowser he still loves me. Which makes it harder. Done all the counselling. But it just didn’t work as the basic function of the marriage ie love on my side just isn’t there anymore.

Am I considered to be selfish then to want to have someone I love and to be happy.

That's perfectly reasonable - have you already met this person?

What do you think your daughter's reaction will be to you moving out? Could you co-exist with your DH in the same house, separate bedroom, until she finishes her schooling? If you've met someone else then I guess that makes it difficult.

@Kez200 you don’t think not loving your husband is a good reason to split up?

@SilverySurfer no I have not met someone else. And I would never do that to him.

You say he's a really lovely man then what is the problem? Do you think the grass is greener? Do you think you will find true love elsewhere if such a thing exists. It looks like you're going to have an awful life if you leave him, living in a dingy flat with no money, no pension, your daughter not living with you, nothing.
I couldn't care less less about love, I'd have stayed with my husband forever without it if he had been a nice man and we had a reasonably comfortable life together.
I didn't have that choice he just left and it was a hell of a struggle, moving, making ends meet and just getting by.
Why are you unhappy?
I'd go for a comfortable life over "love" any day. It's just a rush of hormones that eventually wears off and you are back at square one. Rather than just running away can't you work on fixing it?

I am also confused as to why you would leave. Have you tried improving your life without leaving your family? Taking a second job/better job, trying new classes etc?

I am genuinely surprised how many people Think you should stay with someone you don’t love.

I've been in love with no end of twats before all turned out to be a waste of space. I've never once met a decent lovely man. If i found one love would count for nothing.

Yes, I left my marriage, it was some years ago now but we had been married 21 years. Take heart, do it. You will be better for it.
My children were teenagers and going through exams. It didn't make any difference to their exams. as we took the divorce slowly, involved the children in discussions and asked their opinions (like, who would they like to live with and what type of contact would they like with each of us). We also reassured the children we loved them very much, and we promised we would never "bad mouth" the other parent to the children as we didn't want to make them feel they had divided loyalties.

I stayed in the area while exams were going on so that the children could continue with their schools and friends. I had nothing except my job (not a huge income) and there were no savings to split. I was terrified of ending up in a tiny bed-sit but I spent hours trawling websites and came up with a place outside town, in a lovely setting, which was cheap because it was part of a big old house. I was the best home we'd had for years! Do not lose heart.

At first I was worried about being on my own but after a while I realised it wasn't any different - I had done so much in the home myself I'd (in reality) been a single parent for years. It was so much easier to cope without constant criticism and I didn't have to justify myself to anyone, it was just better. I was afraid of doing things like sorting out the boiler when it went wrong, but after a while I realised I was perfectly capable of reading instructions for minor things, and just as capable of ringing up the boiler man for major stuff. After a while I got quite proud of myself for being able to do all this stuff and wondered why I had been afraid before.

Money was always tight but we managed and so will you. In time you will wonder why you hadn't done it sooner....

@Thewheelsarefallingoff how will taking classes make me love my husband again

@WanderingMilly thank you for your answer. I’m
Sure my husband and I can come up with an answer that will have the least impact.

Love for a partner is something you have to act on to keep it, it's not really a feeling imo.

I think maybe op could have unrealistic expectations about romantic relationships/love. - Yes, you could find someone you are crazy about, but it is likely to be dead in a couple of years and will likely make you and terrible parent in the meantime.