Leaving dh.... have u done it?

[Boristhecats]

I think I need to leave my dh. I have not been happy for years. He is a lovely man. And when I say lovely I mean really lovely. But I am just not happy.

I have a 16 year old daughter.
I’m not sure what to do for the best. Do I stay for now as my daughter is doing her gcse this year and I don’t want to rock the boat for her.

I’m not interested in turning her world upside down for now so I’m not moving to sell the house so I will be starting with nothing. I am fine with that. I couldn’t afford to stay in the house on my own so I would move out and my husband and daughter can still be in the house. I’m happy with that as I don’t want my daughter living anywhere else for now as Her life is here and I don’t want to turn that upside down.
She is my main priority and that would be the same for both me and my husband, she comes first and always will. This is something we have discussed.
I only earn £1000 a month and where I am a studio flat is over £450 a month. So I would have to get a second job. Until the house is sold later. It’s in both our names and doesn’t have much of a mortgage.

Due to money restrictions I have no Private pension. Something I will obviously change.

I have stayed for So long I think as I am absolutely petrified of being on my own. I have been married for over 20 years.
And the thought of doing this on my own with no back up if just so scary.
Has anyone done this. How did U find the courage. How did u cope with being on your own. Did you worry about money. How did u manage. How did you do this.

You need to let your dd choose who she wants to live with. My friends mum left her with her dad when she was 16 and she's never forgiven her.

If you're not having an affair and your husband is lovely then why would you time your departure in the last few months of your daughters schooling, when she will sit the exams which will make a big difference in the choices she can make for her future?

Leave if you want to leave, you don't have to justify it - but why would you time it so badly for your beloved daughter?

Why don't you spend the next few months trying to get a better paid job for when you do leave, £1000 pm will probably only be enough to be a lodger in someone's house, I think if you try and rent a place alone you will have to rely on benefits and have a very poor standard of living.

Sure, if you walked out this afternoon without warning or discussion I expect she would feel abandoned.

Carefully planned and discussed in advance with opportunities for her to express her wishes and be listened to? No, I don't see how that's abandonment.

Plus if you're just round the corner and still involved and available that makes a difference too.

Some of the responses here are odd.

Lampshade

Yes I know that

This fundamentally misunderstands the purpose of leaving someone you don’t love. It’s not to find someone else. It’s because you don’t love them. Living on your own is better than living with someone you don’t love. You can feel more lonely with the latter than with living a fulfilled single life. It’s an old fashioned concept that you have to have a partner to be happy you know. In fact single women are shown to be the happiest of all.

It’s the problem with typing out replies rather than having the RL conversation and I’m pretty sure upthread op said it would be nice to meet someone at a later date

So you earn £1000 per month, your rent for a flat is going to be £450, and you also state that you need to start making pension contributions. On top of that, you're going to need to pay for council tax, utilities, TV licence, food, clothing, petrol.
Doesn't sound like there would be much left over for maintenance for your daughter. Your husband is not going to have as much disposable income as he's going to have all the running costs of your current home on his salary alone, and yet you don't seem to have considered the financial impact on your daughter. You think her life will just carry on as normal but it won't.

In answer to your earlier question OP, yes, I absolutely would say the same if your husband were the one posting here, suggesting that he should leave the home at this point in your daughters school life.
Your dd is 16, she will be a college student, she is therefore old enough to understand that not all marriages last forever, and old enough to understand that she will need to split her time between the two of you.

I don’t think anyone has said you should stay in an unhappy marriage, they have just pointed out that your plan is fundamentally flawed in terms of financing and extremely bad timing for your DD.

i split up with the father of my children 5 years ago for similar reasons (dcs were 3 and 5) and we are both much happier and still good friends.

we had to see the family home and both resettled.

i saw it like this, my ex p deserved to be loved and is worth an amazing relationship and by staying together i'm depriving us both of this

my kids love the fact they get 2 of everything

selling the family home so you can both buy somewhere is the best option

speak and work within your dh on the best solution (he may well feel the same way)

"I think pretty much every poster I've seen on here whose parents waited for them to go to uni before splitting up was left with the devastation of feeling like their whole happy childhood experience had been a lie, that they had been deceived."

This. This is what made me see I had to pull the plug.

I am gobsmacked at this thread. Of course you are more than entitled to end a relationship where you don't love your partner. Ignore the replies on here. Don't stay. I stayed a long time when I was unhappy and it just got worse and worse. I finally left him and I was sooo relieved. I don't agree that children who have to split their time with their mum and dad is a bad thing if it's done properly. And don't think that just because your DD is close to her dad she won't see it as you abandoning her. I'd get the house sold and get your share to start over. But this close to GCSE's, I would wait. It may be worth having the conversation with your husband. You just don't have to tell your DD yet.

Wow. I can't believe what a hard time OP is getting.

Lots of women I know would leave their marriage, but can't afford to. They are in a similar position, because the husband is 'naice', nothing wrong with him, but that women can't afford to get a flat anywhere near to their dc school.

This is really common. So why are you all giving OP a hard time?

@Oblomov20 because they are women who have settled and the thought of someone escaping makes them angry and bitter?

No, its the thought of someone who hasn't bothered to save up some money or do any relationship work to see if the marriage is worth saving, thinking that the grass is greener by potentially living in poverty, maybe for the rest of her life and possibly always having to live in a shared property with random strangers, rather than in a safe secure home with someone who loves her.

In my experience love - or being in love - rarely lasts in a marriage.

What lasts is friendship and mutual respect, and if you are very lucky lustful love.

But most people, speaking to my friends, are not in love any more.

I think it is immature to expect that after 20 years.

OP, whatever about the rest of it, you shouldn't in any way feel obligated to have sex with your husband if you don't want to.

Get a full time job, even a minimum wage job will bring in much more than £1K a month

My fulltime minimum wage job doesnt. By the time I've took off tax, ni and my pension contribution I earn just under 1100 a month.

@Kpo58 so based on that rationale, if leaving her partner wouldn’t see her struggle for a bit she should leave? So you’re saying that in this situation she should stay in a relationship, having sex with a man she doesn’t want, to for his money?