Why can’t other mums ever met at weekends

[Notsogreen30]

I’ll start by saying I know a lot of people work ft and family time is precious and I’m kindof aiming this thread at parents of more than one kid as me and my dh found it easier to have downtime etc when we just had one dc and we were (in our case) a bit more insular.
I have a good group of really lovely friends where I live, we get on really well and in all honesty they are the nicest people you could meet. We all have a few kids each and in general we meet up the odd time with them. The thing I don’t get is that a lot if them just can’t seem to do anything recreational for themselves at the weekend. My dh and I have three young dcs and absolutely no practical support from any other family so reply on each other completely. We still exercise at the weekends , maybe go out for coffee or breakfast (on our own obvs) or just have some time out. We also just loads with our dcs and 90 percent of our time/activities is child focused etc. I don’t know what it is but I’d love to see my friends for an hour or so catch up without the kids but it’s almost impossible.
Btw before anyone says maybe they prefer being with their kids these friends often talk about how they are exhausted at the weekends , would love some headspace etc and they all spend loads of time with their kids and husbands anyway and I know what it’s like with young kids at weekends, I adore mine but it’s not hugely relaxing. Our kids also do activities at the weekends so I know that’s busy but it’s not every hour. I just find it frustrating and it would be nice to have some company sometimes.... A friend and I are trying to organize a monthly hike and loads of interest but then the “weekends are far too tricky “ etc come up and I just think in my head two hours early morning monthly?!
I get on great with all these mums so it’s not the case that they can’t stand me and don’t want to meet. And they all have husbands etc. I just don’t really get it tbh 🤷‍♀️
Just wondered if other people found it similar? ( I do have friends without kids but they don’t live near)

If I was your friend I might be saying “ I’d love to have more time to myself”, doesn’t mean I’d want to spend that time with ŷou though!

Some people are martyrs.
Some people want quiet, unstructured time.
Some people have commitments.
There's lots of reasons.

My friend and I have developed a habit of doing a parkrun at a mutual distance every few months. We get to catch up, do something we want to do, half the travel time and still have the majority of Saturday to get on with the day. It's brilliant. But until a year ago, it clashed with a children's activity that tended to have DH and I shuttling and swapping children around, so it's only recently that it's become viable.

Yup... again it’s not in reference to having to spend time with me

OP,just because you are able to find the time to do activities for yourself doesn’t mean we all have that same level of freedom or want.
For example most days involve clubs after a busy day at work and the weekends are a catching up period with trying to fit family activities in with homework/ cleaning and just trying to have fun family time.
Well done to you that you have your time to yourself for a run / fitness etc but not all of us seem to find that time on our busy hamster wheels of life - it’s not that hard to understand surely.

Sometimes my husband and I do this. It is hardly ever planned though, so it would never be something I did with someone else.

There’s enough organisation in our lives during the week, aside from kids activities and things like parties, I prefer not to make weekend plans.

Lots of men will not look after their own children. They regard the evenings and weekends as their free time.

If their partner goes out for even a few hours, there will be hell to pay. Or they will neglect the children and make so much mess than she learns not to do it again.

Some men will only do certain types of parenting. Eg they will take a child to an activity where they can drop and run and they go to the pub. But not to ones where they have to stay and help.

Some men will only spend any time with their children if their partner works hard to make it fun for them all the time. So she has to spend time and energy working hard to make this happen. If the kids act up because they are tired/ hungry, show him up In public, don’t act suitably grateful etc - he will have a tantrum or sulk.

Just because these men seem “ reasonable “ to you OP, doesn’t mean that you know what they are like behind closed doors.

A big barrier to mums getting time to themselves, I have found, are partners who don't take an equal share of childcare, for a number of reasons. Also, families where the parents are separated and so there is either no one to help, or time with children is precious because it's limited.

The ages of my pals children range from older teenagers to toddlers; as kids get older and lead lives of their own their mums will get more free time.

However, for the present, are you lonely, or do you crave a bit of 'adult' time with your girlfriends? Who doesn't.....!?

Do you have any child free pals?

I am child free. Both me and my husband work part time, and I work in a school - but not as a teacher, so get all the holidays to myself. My big gang of best buddies are all mums, though, working mums, single mums, busy mums. I see them loads because I am very flexible and able to fit in seeing them around their schedule - I am also very popular in the school holidays because I love to spend time with their kids and am a keen babysitter!

I also have a very separate gang who are mostly child free, like me, and we all get together often for theatre trips, lunch, outings - get a couple of child free friends and enjoy some time with them!

I only want to be with my children and husband at the weekend. I work four days and feel bereft if I have to spend time away from them at the weekend.

I do however have things in the diary, ie my sister's 40th when I am going to Barcelona for example.

Well as you don’t seem actually interested in why other people might not do things the way you do here is a different take:

Why can’t other mums ever meet at weekends?

Because they just aren’t as organised or ‘together’ as you OP. And of course they don’t have a wonderfully supportive husband who mucks in and ensures you have your leisure time too.

That’s the answer you wanted to hear, right?

I don't like making plans for weekends. I'm a sahm, dh works full time shifts. We have 3 dc who do activities Mon - Thurs & Sat.

I spend ages running around for the kids (dh does some depending on his shifts) & want to spend downtime with them.

Also if we're seeing anyone it'll be family.

Arabella not at all, not even close. I love spending time with my friends, that’s all and if they don’t want to fair enough. I also love having an hour or so to myself and hugely enjoy the nature around us, it literally recharges me for the day ahead.
I was just wondering how common it was, that’s all. There are some harsh, almost aggressive replies which kind of makes things clearer to me now and especially about the reasons why.
Like I said before each to their own. Anyway enjoy your weekends whatever you’re at 👌🏻

I know what you mean but I’ve come to realise that for some the weekend is sacrosanct family time even if they are sahp or part time workers. Maybe their partners don’t like it? My Sil still won’t meet up at the weekend in the day and her DC are 16 and 18!!!!

I agree with you op. It takes some planning though.

My dh often works on the weekend also (schedule varies from a couple of hours to a full day) but we still manage to do children’s parties/play dates, spend a few hours doing something fun as a family, as well as give each other a few hours to do our own thing. And we both work full time also.

I just think different people have different priorities.

I (& DH) were always happy to use the weekends to do things independently. We would take turns at being with our DC to give each other ‘space’ to do our own thing. We did the occasional thing as a family but not every single weekend. We only have one child however, so that might have made it easier.

I had some friends I could count on that I knew would love to go for a walk, cinema, meal etc without dragging their DH & DC along, others would always say ‘weekends are family time’.

But even now in my 60s I meet women who won’t go out socially with their DHs, I have a very dear friend that I enjoy spending time with but always with her DH in tow , he is pleasant enough but I makes for an awkward threesome as my DH has no interest in meeting up with them.

Sorry for being so chippy Notsogreen, it just looks a little like the hidden sexism that sometimes crops up in friendship groups (as perfectly demonstrated by the previous poster) the idea that your friends don’t want to meet up on a weekend because their partners might not like it or because they are being martyrs is really really sexist!

Hopefully this thread has shown you there’s lots of different reasons why people don’t want to meet on weekends.

I don’t really understand what you mean about nature though - I adore being in nature and me and DH usually plan a family activity outdoors on the weekends because we love sharing our love of nature with the kids.

I meet with my friends on about one in four weekends. We might meet for late lunch or a few drinks in the afternoon - I often meet up with friends who also have dogs for dog walks. But the majority of my weekend is spent with my husband and DC and obviously there's quite a lot of stuff to do round the house on the weekend as well so not much spare time.
I go away for a full weekend with girlfriends several times a year - in some ways it's easier to plan a full weekend away to focus on your friends and the things you want to do than do stuff on a regular basis.
Having said all that I also have the odd weekend where I meet up with friends and all of our dc together for a day out or meet in the park.

(...perfectly demonstrated by previous posters is what I meant not picking on the actual previous poster!)

I just meant I like going for a walk on my own. My kids pretty much live outside and we spend entire camping.
It’s still nice to occasionally have quiet walk or a chat when you go for a walk. Think my two year old is like a lot of his buddies and likes to bolt, jump off stuff and put stones in his mouth so although we do this everyday it’s also nice to go alone or with a friend for a break. That’s all I meant by it.... 90 percent of the time our kids are with us when we go for walks, cycles etc..
Yup definitely got loads of reasons why people can’t , loud and clear.

*entire summers camping

My dh works nearly every Saturday so I would need to sort childcare to get a couple of hours/a day to myself. (I do sometimes but not regularly).

He also works a bit on Sunday's so Sunday afternoon is either relax together or meet up with friends...if we meet up with friends, we might barely see each other until the next Sunday.

I only have one child and he has an activity each Saturday and Sunday, add to that homework (which it only practical for us to get done at a weekend), plus catching up on house jobs. I'm often very tired in the evenings in the week (working compressed full time hours) so practically don't get that much done.

Between all of that I prioritise a bit of downtime with my immediate family otherwise I'd not get any rest. I'm certainly not snuggling down watching tv as a family(!), but my son needs downtime to play/watch tv and I'll read, cook, do a quick yoga session.

For me personally, I would find it difficult to commit to meeting a friend during a weekend day, although lovely, it would just be one more thing to fit in. Would prefer an evening meal out and I do that regularly.

That said I do sometimes make weekend arrangements like going to a crochet club in the city centre, dancing workshop day, even going to Tedx Conference soon. They are almost easily to arrange than getting a coffee/lunch with a friend.

What IMOGEN said. That sums it up perfectly for a lot of mums. Even the ones with ‘reasonable’ partners.

I have to take elderly relatives shopping, usually help disabled father out. So I use one of my weekend days for that then my other day I want to stuff with my OH and kids. To be honest I’ve have such a busy week I couldn’t be arsed with it all

Maybe they don't want to leave their kids at weekends. X

Also maybe they want not to leave their partner either x