Why can’t other mums ever met at weekends

[Notsogreen30]

I’ll start by saying I know a lot of people work ft and family time is precious and I’m kindof aiming this thread at parents of more than one kid as me and my dh found it easier to have downtime etc when we just had one dc and we were (in our case) a bit more insular.
I have a good group of really lovely friends where I live, we get on really well and in all honesty they are the nicest people you could meet. We all have a few kids each and in general we meet up the odd time with them. The thing I don’t get is that a lot if them just can’t seem to do anything recreational for themselves at the weekend. My dh and I have three young dcs and absolutely no practical support from any other family so reply on each other completely. We still exercise at the weekends , maybe go out for coffee or breakfast (on our own obvs) or just have some time out. We also just loads with our dcs and 90 percent of our time/activities is child focused etc. I don’t know what it is but I’d love to see my friends for an hour or so catch up without the kids but it’s almost impossible.
Btw before anyone says maybe they prefer being with their kids these friends often talk about how they are exhausted at the weekends , would love some headspace etc and they all spend loads of time with their kids and husbands anyway and I know what it’s like with young kids at weekends, I adore mine but it’s not hugely relaxing. Our kids also do activities at the weekends so I know that’s busy but it’s not every hour. I just find it frustrating and it would be nice to have some company sometimes.... A friend and I are trying to organize a monthly hike and loads of interest but then the “weekends are far too tricky “ etc come up and I just think in my head two hours early morning monthly?!
I get on great with all these mums so it’s not the case that they can’t stand me and don’t want to meet. And they all have husbands etc. I just don’t really get it tbh 🤷‍♀️
Just wondered if other people found it similar? ( I do have friends without kids but they don’t live near)

Also obvs I have certain dcs because it’s definitely not chilled at weekends with small kids. But I totally accept that could be just us. But toddlers , chilled?!

I find it easier as they get older tbh as my son attends football training on his own for the hour

You say a couple of hours early morning at weekends -

They don't want to get up early at weekends (or even if they have 5:30am rising toddlers, they want the chance to have a lazy, slow start with coffee and cbeebies because they rush Monday to Friday). Committing to meeting you at 8am means if their toddler does by fluke sleep in they still have to leave the house at 7:15am, so set an alarm for 6:45 the one day they might just have an outside chance of sleeping until 8am.

Or they alternate lie ins and the mum has a lie in every Saturday and the dad every Sunday. Meeting you on Saturday means no lie in that week.

Or one of the several children has a weekly class (baby swimming or whatever) one early weekend morning and the parents get one lie in a fortnight, alternating - committing to meet you one early weekend morning per month means only getting one lie in per month.

I’m a SAHM and DH is at work. I wouldn’t go for a run or a coffee at the weekends because 1) I can easily do it when the DC are at school, so it’s unnecessary to do it at the weekend, and 2) I don’t see much of my DH in the week so like to see him at weekends.

Also you say one hour, but DH would be entitled to the same so that’s two hours, and presumably not at mealtimes or bathtime/bedtime, so actually quite a big chunk of the “usable” time.

You say the people you know all work pt or flexibly so why can’t you meet in the week?

I prefer to have the time with my children when they have two days off school so I don't arrange anything social for weekends

Fair enough, totally take the points. I have a very wakeful toddler and there’s absolutely zero chance they’d watch loads of tv in the morning.
I wouldn’t dream of putting pressure on my friends and don’t bother suggesting meeting up at weekends much anymore as it’s obvs impossible for some but my point is these are plp who moan about not having any time to do these things or also make comments like “lucky you” if they ASK what I did at the weekend and I mention that I had a walk/ went for a cycle / swim whatever (for a whole hour out of the entire weekend) when they could definitely do the same on their own etc

I also spend loads of time with my dcs at the weekend , buckets of it and love it . I also love having an hour or two to myself

Yes my dh does it too but maybe on the other weekend day. It really doesn’t take a big chunk whatsoever 9.30-11.00

We might well go out during bath time , why not? As long as the other person is there

In my life weekends are for slow starts, family time, shopping, washing, weekends away, seeing friends from preschool days (with kids). I exercise alone as that's how I like it.
When I meet friends without the children we go out in the evenings for drinks/food/cinema/etc

I have been for runs etc at the weekend, my husband will happily watch DD for an hour or so (as I would for him). Haven't done it much recently but that's because I've been feeling a bit lazy, and I suspect your friends are probably the same. It's just not a high enough priority.... can see why its frustrating for you tho!

When I was a sp I met up with friends and their DC a lot. We usually went to a child friendly pub with a softplay area back in the days where you could sit in the pub bit and let the kids run riot in the softplay area and met up for lots of park picnics. We also took turns in hosting a sleepover for the other dc whilst we drank wine and had a gossip in the kitchen. We were mostly all in the same situation with part time jobs, not a lot of money and were all single.

The friendship group changed. One person went to another country to live. One person was shit at parenting and her DC were too destructive in our homes, one got married and changed from seeing us to going out with couple friends and it all fell apart.

Now my DC are older I'm in a professional job role and in uni. My DC are of an age where I can leave them but I don't tend too as all I want to do on a weekend is tidy up, sort stuff out for the week ahead and watch Netflix. I don't feel the need to be out as I'm knackered and want to recharge. I am quite sociable but with everything else going on in life I just don't have the emotional resources to deal with friends. Luckily my friends understand that I'm much better with last minute fancy brunch invites rather than making plans.

We're a super active household here, but I think you're underestimating the time it all takes.

If mum goes for a run first thing in the morning and dad does an activity between 09:30 and 11:00, by the time he showers, gets ready etc. that's a whole morning gone. It's not "just an hour in the whole weekend".

I'd also suggest people's vague "I wish I could have coffee without the kids" or "lucky you" are often vacuous, harmless social chat. They're not necessarily rooted in a REAL desire to get up at the crack of dawn for a hike.

I might have said "oh yes, a spa day would be lovely. Sadly not convinient" a couple of times. Honestly; zero intention of doing it.

So far you have told us that you spend acres of time with your DC and lots of time with DH and lots of time doing stuff for yourself while coordinating lots of activities for your three children for whom you have no local help?

Now, do you think that it's possible when they say "lucky you" they aren't just politely saying "please stop talking about how wonderful you are, it's exhausting"?

Tbh it really is just an hour or so at the weekend though. I’m back in time to bring dcs out for football/playground swimming, home for nap/playing (maybe my dh does something for himself then) and then tidy , dinner prep, walk/cycle with dcs and dinner , bedtime . Really a small amount of time. My friends genuinely want to do more, they bring it up , I definitely don’t

I don’t tell them about it at all. I’m not remotely boastful etc. it’s simply when we have arranged to meet on a weekday and something comes up I have noticed that absolutely nothing can be arranged during a weekend day. That’s all. I was genuinely interested in why. My friends bring it up , not me.

@Notsogreen30 my friends and I (if we are meeting up) often used to arrange to meet at tea time when the kids were young so we missed the worse part of the day!! Also when the kids were little they would get upset if you left during the bedtime routine - but were ok if you weren't there at all.....

I work Saturdays (and in the week), dh works all week. If I give up my Sunday I’d never see him.

Are these friends you've made through your children, ie: via school or nursery? If so, maybe they just see you as a weekday friend, someone they associate just with doing things with the kids and that their weekends are reserved for friends they have other stuff besides in common with, like friends from uni or where they grew up.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know why I was snotty about it, tbh

We have a very similar set-up to you (family size/demands/no help) and rather than meet up with individual friends we do tend to visit as families on a weekend.

Personally, I wouldn't decline an invite for a weekend but I don't think I'd extend one either. Maybe they are like me and just have logistic fatigue and have run out of motivation once all the necessary weekend expectations are out of the way?

"I wish I could have coffee without the kids" or "lucky you" are often vacuous, harmless social chat. They're not necessarily rooted in a REAL desire to get up at the crack of dawn for a hike

THIS x 1000000 I often will say to people "that sounds great!" when they describe their plans but that doesnt mean I'm desperate to actually do it myself. It sounds great because THEY are excited about it, not because it fills me with joy so I get this totally.

Weekends are the only time when I have the potential to spend good (as opposed to rushed ) time with my family. They are all teenagers so I often don't but I do prioritise being with them or DH over seeing friends. Two reasons a) most of my other friends are the same and for them weekends are family time b) I want to be with them. If I go running (which I do) I do it with one of my DC. If I go for a coffee I would do this with a DC or DH. It is just what we like to do. Weekday evenings or lunchtimes are for friends. Saturday evenings are also for friends although that is less the case now the kids stay up later. Just the way it is and the way I like it.
YABU

I think it is because sometimes people fail to prioritise themselves and carve out an hour for themselves.

sillysmiles although carving out an hour for yourself, when you have young children and a spouse and especially if your job is very people centered, means an hour of total glorious solitude for many people, not an hour of social interaction even with a friend.

My children are a bit older now so I do get alone time occasionally, but I remember my mother complaining that I didn't take time for myself by visiting her alone. What I had to bite my tongue til it bled to avoid saying was that that would have been time for her not time for myself. Time for myself was time utterly alone - whether in the bath or in a coffee shop surrounded only by complete strangers or walking somewhere I wouldn't bump into anyone I knew and be forced to chat about the weather/ what Jenny from over the road did / who's husband has left or parent is unwell/ my or their holiday or health or work or children or even climate change or politics! Not alone time!