18 year old DS hits me....

[Porta6]

I'm at the end of my tether and I don't know what else to do other than ask you for help. I'm a regular poster, just nc for this.

18 yr old DS has Aspergers with lots of learning difficulties. He left college about 2 months ago due to his inability to remember where he was going and what he was doing. He has always had an edge to him, not rude exactly, but where he would rather flee a situation than stay and accept help. I'm pretty sure the teachers couldn't take it any more.

The last two months have been a nightmare. I go to work, (single mum btw) come home to find he's been in bed all day and done nothing towards finding a job / apprenticeship / volunteer position. I've signed him up at a charity dedicated to getting SEN adults into work but it's only once a week and he does nothing in the meantime. I leave lists for him, ask him lovingly, sternly, tried everything..

His room is like a landfill despite my many pleas/nags for him to tidy it, even saying I'll help him. I know it's his room but I keep having to go in there to get stuff like towels, cups but most annoyingly my charger which he keeps taking cos he's lost so many of his own.

Whenever he sees me in there he physically pulls me out by twisting my wrist in a way that I can't get out of. He's kicked me before, notably once when I was trying to reason with him and he kicked me so hard I fell off the bed and onto the floor onto my back.

This morning I went in there to get my charger, and seeing the absolute floor covered mess I started putting his clothes away. A bad move I know but it's so awful, there's mould everywhere because he won't open doors/windows.

This of course led to an argument and he came over to me, called me a bitch and started kicking me. I was on the floor in the corner in a ball and he just kicked me really hard on my side. To which I screamed obviously.

He then tried to grab me and pull me out. I shouldn't have resisted but I was so fed up that I did, at which point he started punching me around the legs and as I was lying down at this point, he put his hands around my neck as if he was going to strangle me. It wasn't hard but it shocked me and I called for help.

I don't know what to do. I want to live a peaceful life. I have very little money and I love DS so much, but when he's like this I just don't want him in my house.

I can't ask for help to people in RL because my parents are quite old and have health problems, and when I've ventured to tell my friends they say "how do you let him get away with it?" as if it's that simple. I don't have many choices. He's a boy with SEN, so I can't just kick him out. I don't have any money. His dad lives abroad and hasn't paid any maintenance for over 10 years.

I'm sorry for the ramble. It's pretty incoherent but I'm just distraught, reached the end of my tether and don't know what to do.

Ask Social Services for help. You can't go on like this. They may be able to offer sheltered housing or something similar.

You really need to involve the police. You can’t move forward without this first step, for his sake.

You pone the police each and every time he assaults you.

Not only does he need to learn that you aren't a punchbag, police involvement is often the best way to access further support. And by the sounds of things he needs a lot of help that he isn't getting.

this must be the hardest thing and makes me feel so sad. please don't let it continue. you can love your son and still not allow lthis unacceptable behaviour. i don't know which service would be best suited i sure others know better but please don't confuse tolerating this with being a loving act towards your son. you are no-ones punching bag either psychologically or physically. i really feel for you and hope our govt can do something well enough to provide you with help.

GiveHerHellFromUs Social Services? Is this the same as Adult Social Care? Because I do have a telephone appointment with Adult Social Care. Oh my word, it took me ages to go round the houses at the council, because he wasn't signed on properly. I just feel so desperate going to the council for help over something I should be able to sort out myself.

FredaFrogspawn calling the police on my son fills me with dread. He's my son. But maybe they could come round and talk to him. That might scare him. I have no bruises though so they might not believe me.

MerryDeath thank you for your kind words.

My head is getting in a downward spiral. I'm sitting here crying because I'm such a weak fool and am berating myself for ever thinking I could bring up a child. His Dad lives abroad and I was thinking that I could ask him to take him in for a while, but then I feel like I'm giving up and I don't want him to leave home under a black cloud as that could ruin our relationship and I may never see him again.

I've contacted the police as a non-urgent enquiry.

He has to go or agree to sort himself out.
I have one with Aspergers who is on risperidone and a few other medicines but I mention that one as, for them, it controls this type of aggressive behaviour. ADHD meds also helps with their ability to self-organise etc.

Mine is older than yours and has been on meds from younger so now they just need to be tweaked every now and then, we are not starting from scratch as your son would be doing if he is not on anything.

Mine is not some medicated zombie as some would have you believe in these meds. They are managed by someone who knows what they are doing and gets dose right. They still have lots of energy, but not unfocused energy! Play sports, are fit and slim, does well at uni in a challenging degree and generally gets on well in life. Without their meds, forget it! There would be no uni, they wouldn’t be able to organise themselves for things they do enjoy and it would all fall apart and aggressive behaviour would mean they would not be able to live with us at home with their siblings. They also have OCD and see a psychologist when this starts to edge out of control and impact on those around them.

Bottom line is your son needs to be willing to get professional assistance and work with professionals to manage their challenging neurobiological profile. If they are not willing to do this they have to leave asap even if that means being homeless. Mine knows I mean business in this regard!

Hi there, forgive me if you feel that I am being harsh, when I say that I know what I would have liked to have done if I were in your shoes. I am far from cold and heartless by the way and I can give the greatest sympathy and understanding but only up to a certain point. I understand that your lad has a few things he’s up against there, and I can’t imagine what can be like for him. Being a single working parent, is hard enough for anyone, but the added pressure on you must be huge! You say towards the end of your message that you don’t have many choices as to what you can do now. You also say that you love him so much, understandably. And you want a peaceful life. And you should have one, just as everyone should if they wish. But unless there is a consequence to that kickin you took from your 18 year old lad, regardless of whether he has problems/issue to deal with, then you may as well forget about that quiet life and get used to excusing your lads violent outbreaks, on the fact that he is a boy with SEN. You say that this sort of thing has been happening for a while, and sounds like it’s slowly getting more and more. That’s through there being no consequence from the outset, when you can first remember any of this behavior. Can I just ask what happens or happened AFTER these violent outbursts that he has been allowed to get away with, because he can? Does he apologise, cry or sulk? Does he feel guilty? Please don’t think I’m being rude or cold hearted. I don’t know how difficult it is in your predicament, but some times it needs some one that isn’t emotionally tied, and who doesn’t know you from Adam to seperate “the what you feel you can do, to “what you really need to do, and not just for your sake, in-fact to help your lad more so!

Glad you have phoned the police.

My sister was the same - multiple learning difficulties, autism, mental health issues - and regularly assaulted my mum for years on end . She ended up getting to the point of landing mum in hospital . Many horrible nights with sister being taken to casualty for sedatives, admitted to local mental health unit etc . Not pleasant .

Eventually she was taken into social services care at about age 21 - my mum said she couldn’t cope any longer (she also has lots of disabilities). They’ve housed her with another woman with SEN and they’re supported 24/7 via work placements, day services and overnight help in emergencies . She pays something like £30 a month as majority is covered by HB. There are still issues but it works relatively well - mum isn’t hit anymore at least .

From talking to the council there are dozens of similar set ups around the area - but you wouldn’t know if you didn’t need it . Eg they have specialist housing supported by charities for teens coming out of care, homeless teens, adults with disabilities, residential units for children etc etc .

We were kind of told we had to state that sister could no longer live at home before they were willing to help, and they were quite ‘oh, but there’s a hundred solutions’ before they would really listen . Mum had to be quite firm on sister not being allowed to live with her anymore .

Sister is also on a lot of medication too - risperidone and citalopram being the main ones . Again, not 100% perfect but it helps her a good deal .

Dad is also coincidentally abroad and wasn’t involved at all in any of the proceedings, mum got the choice .

Sister now has a social life, does stuff every day, can go swimming, trampolining, climbing wall, does work placements in community that fits to her interests (could probably one day work for a wage with very heavy support) and is happy most of the time .

Giving up is exactly what you would be doing if you allow this stuff to continue. A lesson learned is what he shall be leaving the house with. And it’s best to get that boundary set and understood earlier rather than later, before he thinks that being violent and causing pain is acceptable! A show of love is what your displaying, and probably the best lesson in life you could ever give your son.

That’s through there being no consequence from the outset, when you can first remember any of this behavior.
Well there has been consequence after his previous outbursts. Things like I've contacted my parents and they have taken him on for a day or so. The problem with that though is that he is much better behaved with them, and also respects my Dad so I don't know if my Dad fully understands it IYSWIM or just thinks I'm being a bit of an hysterical female.

Another consequence used to be taking the WiFi away but this has made him angry and tbh I'm scared of his reaction.

Can I just ask what happens or happened AFTER these violent outbursts that he has been allowed to get away with, because he can? Does he apologise, cry or sulk? Does he feel guilty?

No. That is the problem. I'm sure that he must feel something on the inside but on the outside he is cold and unrepentant. He may "slide" back into good behaviour as a way of exhibiting remorse because for a few days he use to be like "mum I love you" but now he doesn't even bother apologising.

Please don’t think I’m being rude or cold hearted. don't worry, I don't. It's just that when I've ventured in RL to tell, some people are of the opinion that it is my fault for allowing it. I do have an extreme dislike of conflict and I am scared of him, but mostly I do my best to demand respect from him, I just am obviously very bad at it!

I think also to add to that. I am female and he is a 6ft male. He is a hell of a lot stronger than me. Words and punishments don't work in those circumstances. I have no tools at my disposal when the truth is he can overpower me whenever he wants.

Yes it'll be the same as adult social care. Please don't feel like you should be able to sort it yourself. They're there for this exact reason.

I'm glad you've contacted the police too.
I was going to suggest it but didn't think you'd accept it as an option.

No I understand so the consequence from taking WiFi and spending night at your mum and dads etc, is of no effect. His consequences need to suit his age etc.... but 6 ft and strong, stopping it now as you hopefully have, may stop your boy directing that behavior one day to some one, that will give him a just a good a hiding right back. Morally he has to not want to hurt you, cause it’s wrong, even though he could cos he’s strong. That choice will be natural To him in the future if you stick to your guns.. I say you have helped him today to be honest, as long as don’t relent and back down.

From what you have said, it sounds as though his SEN is not so severe that he doesn't understand or can't control what he's doing. It sounds as though he very much does understand, can control(?) and is doing it anyway.
Log the incident with the police and seek help from social services. If you state you are not willing to accommodate him any longer, he may be deemed 'threatened with homelessness', the local authority will look into housing him potentially in a sheltered accom scheme or somewhere with some limited care to live independently (if his extra needs fit the criteria).
But you can't allow this behaviour and situation for yourself, you're doing nobody any favours.

the local authority will look into housing him potentially in a sheltered accom scheme or somewhere with some limited care to live independently (if his extra needs fit the criteria).

Yes I did think about this. That would be ideal. Anyway, what I've done this morning is:

• log it with the police

• contact a woman at the council about SEN, supported employment and Adult Social Care. I just need to get to the bottom of which is the best way forward. I've told them that his violence has escalated because well, I have to be honest about it and it might make them take notice. I realise the problem is that he doesn't have a social worker because he has just been known to them as a SEN kid and not on social services. Sorry all that is really boring!

Thanks so much for your advice. I can't tell you how much it means to me that there are other women who understand my despair and take time to offer me advice.

I think those PPs who talk about consequences and boundaries don't fully understand what you are dealing with.

I used to have a friend whose son who had ADHD and severe autism and behaved just like yours. From about the age of 13 he became increasingly uncooperative and violent. His parents were well-off professionals who tried everything, both private and via the NHS and social services. Mother stopped work to devote herself to his care. But to no avail.

By the age of 18 it became clear that he needed specialist residential care. Which is where he has remained ever since, although I think he was eventually transferred to a smaller, cooperative housing type accommodation.

This process started about 25 years ago, so he most be in his 40s by now. I have no idea how easy it is to access such specialised care nowadays.

I agree. The police should be right there before on this before adult services etc.. for the act of violence. That’s what needs to happen in that situation. If it the case that your son is totally unaware that his behavior is wrong or that he just can’t control it, which I believe he does know 100% and can 100% but doesn’t because he doesn’t have To pack it. If it was the case that actually he doesn’t know his actions are wrong and doesn’t understand, then he shouldn’t be living in your home environment but with adult social care more so.

I think people shouldn’t presume anything, and realise that we all have our opinions. Some might say that ppl that find it easier Not to set boundaries or set consequence cos it’s effort. So just allow it. Just don’t bother and blame the illness it’s easier.

It's not 'boring' OP. This is your life. We're here to help if we can x

And as stated earlier, being in that situation is not understandable to me. It was not claimed so. To help the best way I could from my own opinion was my purpose, as a decent human being who can be bothered to at least try to help someone, even if it falls short. Not to just pull some ones efforts of help apart, cos its easy to.

You need a break from each other before this escalates. Ask social care to find him suitable accommodation (be honest about his violence and his condition), send him to live with his father, or worst case scenario report him to the police. It would be classed as DV, and they should take it seriously but you have to be prepared to go through with prosecution. I do not say this lightly as reporting your own child is tough, but the level of his violence is extreme and it is not safe for you to go on living with him. At some stage he has to take responsibility for his own actions and if you cannot get him to stop any other way then maybe prosecution is the only answer.

I also want to flag how serious the level of violence sounds. Hands round neck especially is a massive risk factor within DV that he might kill you. Obviously his SEN give additional context, but this is really not normal and not ok. I hope you find the help you both need.

Hi, it's awful what you are going through and it is clear that you feel frightened of your son. Your situation is untenable and I agree that you need to involve the police every single time. I hope you are able to find alternative accommodation for him. You shouldn't be living in this dangerous situation and the stress upon you must be awful. The best of luck but please prioritize your own safety