18 year old DS hits me....

[Porta6]

I'm at the end of my tether and I don't know what else to do other than ask you for help. I'm a regular poster, just nc for this.

18 yr old DS has Aspergers with lots of learning difficulties. He left college about 2 months ago due to his inability to remember where he was going and what he was doing. He has always had an edge to him, not rude exactly, but where he would rather flee a situation than stay and accept help. I'm pretty sure the teachers couldn't take it any more.

The last two months have been a nightmare. I go to work, (single mum btw) come home to find he's been in bed all day and done nothing towards finding a job / apprenticeship / volunteer position. I've signed him up at a charity dedicated to getting SEN adults into work but it's only once a week and he does nothing in the meantime. I leave lists for him, ask him lovingly, sternly, tried everything..

His room is like a landfill despite my many pleas/nags for him to tidy it, even saying I'll help him. I know it's his room but I keep having to go in there to get stuff like towels, cups but most annoyingly my charger which he keeps taking cos he's lost so many of his own.

Whenever he sees me in there he physically pulls me out by twisting my wrist in a way that I can't get out of. He's kicked me before, notably once when I was trying to reason with him and he kicked me so hard I fell off the bed and onto the floor onto my back.

This morning I went in there to get my charger, and seeing the absolute floor covered mess I started putting his clothes away. A bad move I know but it's so awful, there's mould everywhere because he won't open doors/windows.

This of course led to an argument and he came over to me, called me a bitch and started kicking me. I was on the floor in the corner in a ball and he just kicked me really hard on my side. To which I screamed obviously.

He then tried to grab me and pull me out. I shouldn't have resisted but I was so fed up that I did, at which point he started punching me around the legs and as I was lying down at this point, he put his hands around my neck as if he was going to strangle me. It wasn't hard but it shocked me and I called for help.

I don't know what to do. I want to live a peaceful life. I have very little money and I love DS so much, but when he's like this I just don't want him in my house.

I can't ask for help to people in RL because my parents are quite old and have health problems, and when I've ventured to tell my friends they say "how do you let him get away with it?" as if it's that simple. I don't have many choices. He's a boy with SEN, so I can't just kick him out. I don't have any money. His dad lives abroad and hasn't paid any maintenance for over 10 years.

I'm sorry for the ramble. It's pretty incoherent but I'm just distraught, reached the end of my tether and don't know what to do.

I phoned them to see how he was doing but they said they couldn't tell me whether he was in custody or not.

this is shit.

i really hope it works out ok

But to be honest I won't trust the police again because they assured me they'd do nothing without talking to me first and now they won't tell me if he's ok. And they've scared the shit out of me. I'm so worried about him.

I will try to sleep now. Thank you so much for keeping me company. I really appreciate it

Please don’t apologise to him for calling them. He simply HAS to know it’s not ok for him to hit you or hurt you. He needs to know quite simply that he bought this on himself and that if he does it again, you will push for him to be charged. Please don’t back down now. Tough love is needed.

Oh bless you OP.

I agree though that maybe this is what he needs. You said yesterday that he knows he doesn't control his rage. Hopefully this change that.

It'll also help with the social care referrals.

I hope you're both ok

Hopefully the police are liaising with social care? This evidence is going to help him in the long run, although yes, alarming and trust breaking that the police have gone their own way instead of working with you and you've had to worry all night

Wow tough love I am suprised they arrested him. I can understand how hard this must be for both you and him. Really hope it makes things better and helps get you access to some additional help.

Hopefully this will be the big kick up the bum he needs. If he didn't want to be arrested he shouldn't have abused you.
You seem to be minimising his actions now you feel guilty.
Please reread your posts.

This most be so hard OP, but hopefully it marks a turning point.

Your son has told you that he lost his temper and got carried away with rage, you know that he can control himself with e.g. your parents or teachers; the sad fact is that he is choosing not to with you.

If things carry on like they are how long will it be until he does strangle you, or otherwise injure you. What happens if he kills you or someone else?

If he admitted to the police that he lost his temper and hurt you they don’t really have a choice but to arrest him. In DV cases they can proceed even if you say you don’t want to.

They also may well think that you are at serious risk even if you can’t see it yourself.

Hopefully the police are talking to social services, I don’t think it would hurt for you to ring the duty social worker and explain that your SN son has been arrested for hurting you and you need urgent help to manage him.

I can’t imagine how hard this must be, but letting this carry on escalating is not helping him in the long run.

Hopefully this is all part of the process of you being able to live in your home free from fear op.

👋 gosh what a day! This is what happened:

They finally phoned to say that the nurse had interviewed him and due to his Aspergers they wanted an “appropriate adult” to be with him during the interview.

So I got in touch with my boss who has met DS a fair few times. He immediately dropped everything to come to the police station and spent almost 3 hours with the police. I waited outside and met a lovely woman who was also waiting for her BF. So it wasn’t terrible and I knew he was ok.

I know I was a bit pissed off with the police but a different much more personable policeman came out and chatted to me. He said that because DS had admitted it straight away and didn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of it they didn’t want to just release him with no consequences. Honestly I could’ve hugged the guy he was so nice.

So they have released him with a caution and so if he ever does it again it’ll go straight to the CPS regardless.

Also they have referred it to a team at the council so my weeks of trying to get something done there will be expedited.

So then DS came out, gave me a hug, told me he loved me.

However... he has flipped flopped between appearing sorry, telling me he loves me etc, but then also saying that he wasn’t bothered being in the cell because it was so quiet and relaxing and the police officers were so nice to him that is so typical of DS. He has such a total lack of need for human company that it makes him not understand human feelings like compassion. IYSWIM. He was quite bemused that I had been up all night worrying.

Anyway time will tell if this has affected him. Hopefully the council will help him with anger management skills now and the police debacle will make him think twice before he rages at me.

But seriously thank you so much for your hand-holding and words of wisdom over the past few days. It pees me right off when people think MN is a nest of vipers cos they don’t see this bit 😘

Oh OP I'm so glad it all turned out well for you and he's finally going to get some help.

PS. To Freda I didn’t apologise because by this point I was glad I had.

And Fragles I know about the minimising but this is because DS can be so charming and reasonable at times then cold temper at others I can’t reconcile the two sides of him. Like Jekyll and Hyde. I’ve been on MN long enough to know this isn’t a good thing

Hugs to you OP. I have twin toddlers with ASD and honestly I think you’re amazing for managing by yourself for so long. I couldn’t have done it.

Unfortunately services are so stretched that no input happens until things are very bad - I’m really hoping that his arrest will mean social care stepping in. I can completely understand why you’re anxious about police involvement, and how much harder it is to act as others say they would when you know your child has difficulties like this.

I wish I could step through the screen and give you a hug and help you sort it out. Please stop blaming yourself.

Hopefully this is all part of the process of you being able to live in your home free from fear op.
The thing is I'm not afraid of him if I don't demand anything of him (as one PP said he has "demand avoidance") but then that means I can't expect anything from him in terms of housework, helping himself look for work, cleaning his room, communication, etc.

Which is a rubbish way to live. I look at other families and feel so sad. But it is what it is I guess..

I hope he will turn a corner now OP.

So pleased to hear the police were supportive and have pushed the referral upward for you, that's great news

I'm thinking that caution wont help him find a job...

With the level of support and services the OP's son will obviously be needing to cope with life, including finding appropriate work, a caution in this context will help him meet thresholds to gain the kind of services he needs rather than be a barrier to an employer. Any employer who works with these kind of supportive services will know what they're doing and about additional needs of this kind. No need to offer the OP something else to worry about.

No totally, police needed to happen. I just wish they wouldn't dole out cautions like this. My brother had one when he was 15 as his dog managed to free himself from his lead and chase a cat. The cat got into their cat flat flap but the owner very helpfully called the police. It was VERY hard for my brother to get saturday work because of this.

The police said I should hear from a team at the council in the next three days.

I did think about the caution and jobs but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

If ever I’ve been convinced DS has serious emotional problems it’s now. He doesn’t seem to be affected by it. He is carrying on as if nothing happened and is rather confused that I’m feeling down. But I keep thinking of him kicking me on the floor and how if I’d ever done that to my mum I’d be feeling awful about it.

I have alternated between feeling worthless and the realisation that it’s his condition not me. And of course the sadder I seem the more he turns off.

Hey but hopefully this team will help him, help us in some way.

I think ringing the police has been your blessing in disguise and hopefully the council will be able to help you.

How are you doing @Porta6 was thinking about you earlier, I hope things are still calm at home.

OP Your Son is "not a boy with SN" he is a man with SN. Please get help, nobody should live in fear in their own home. This may be the first time he has battered you but it wont be the last

Thanks FairyBatman for thinking of me. Things have calmed down but are a bit strained as I’m finding it a bit hard to forgive him when he is still being your typical surly teenager.

The referral team got in touch eventually and said they would explore “options” for him. But have not been in touch since.

He’s staying at my parents now for a few days. It pains me how lovely he is when there with them. They are wonderful, they have more time and there is two of them. I feel a bit of a failure to be honest but instead of feeling sorry for myself I just need to crack on and help him find a purpose that will get him out of the house, into the world and gaining some - well whatever it is you gain when you go out into the world!

Thanks for your thoughts.