18 year old DS hits me....

[Porta6]

I'm at the end of my tether and I don't know what else to do other than ask you for help. I'm a regular poster, just nc for this.

18 yr old DS has Aspergers with lots of learning difficulties. He left college about 2 months ago due to his inability to remember where he was going and what he was doing. He has always had an edge to him, not rude exactly, but where he would rather flee a situation than stay and accept help. I'm pretty sure the teachers couldn't take it any more.

The last two months have been a nightmare. I go to work, (single mum btw) come home to find he's been in bed all day and done nothing towards finding a job / apprenticeship / volunteer position. I've signed him up at a charity dedicated to getting SEN adults into work but it's only once a week and he does nothing in the meantime. I leave lists for him, ask him lovingly, sternly, tried everything..

His room is like a landfill despite my many pleas/nags for him to tidy it, even saying I'll help him. I know it's his room but I keep having to go in there to get stuff like towels, cups but most annoyingly my charger which he keeps taking cos he's lost so many of his own.

Whenever he sees me in there he physically pulls me out by twisting my wrist in a way that I can't get out of. He's kicked me before, notably once when I was trying to reason with him and he kicked me so hard I fell off the bed and onto the floor onto my back.

This morning I went in there to get my charger, and seeing the absolute floor covered mess I started putting his clothes away. A bad move I know but it's so awful, there's mould everywhere because he won't open doors/windows.

This of course led to an argument and he came over to me, called me a bitch and started kicking me. I was on the floor in the corner in a ball and he just kicked me really hard on my side. To which I screamed obviously.

He then tried to grab me and pull me out. I shouldn't have resisted but I was so fed up that I did, at which point he started punching me around the legs and as I was lying down at this point, he put his hands around my neck as if he was going to strangle me. It wasn't hard but it shocked me and I called for help.

I don't know what to do. I want to live a peaceful life. I have very little money and I love DS so much, but when he's like this I just don't want him in my house.

I can't ask for help to people in RL because my parents are quite old and have health problems, and when I've ventured to tell my friends they say "how do you let him get away with it?" as if it's that simple. I don't have many choices. He's a boy with SEN, so I can't just kick him out. I don't have any money. His dad lives abroad and hasn't paid any maintenance for over 10 years.

I'm sorry for the ramble. It's pretty incoherent but I'm just distraught, reached the end of my tether and don't know what to do.

Hope your okay op

i do not have experience of SEN/autism etc, so i think mabey im too black and white, but this isunacceptable to be battered in your own home by anyone.
Police need to get involved and he needs removing from your home (not life; note), just removing from yoru home. You should not be living in fear

massive hugs OP

Wishing you the best OP. You've done an amazing job helping your disabled son through his childhood: you've tried multiple things to see if he can cope living at home and managing some things for himself and it's clear now that his needs are too severe, and he needs professional support and set ups. That isn't a failure of yours, that's what he needs. And at this age the natural progression is that adult children move from home to the next stage of their lives: supported living with the right help may let him enjoy life more than he currently can by hurting you and barricading himself in his room. You're certainly needing a life that's safe and not eaten up with worry over his struggling, with no help or support for either of you.

Really hope the police and adult social services can help you quickly move things forward.

If he does strangle you his future isn't going to be bright so really massively escalating this is a better solution. Wishing you a good resolution this evening.

I have a teen on the spectrum. Do you understand autism? Do you understand demand avoidance? You cannot expect some people in the spectrum to conform to social norms. It is completely different when you have social problems or sensory processing differences. I would strongly suggest that you try and identify the triggers. It is not right that your son assaulted you. But it is also not right that neurotypical expects those on the spectrum to conform.

Hope the police are able to give you some help

Aw please try not to be so hard on yourself. Your obviously in a very difficult situation and need help. I'd be finding out about what help is available for you and your son. He needs help and you need to feel safe. He needs to know that this isn't ok and that he has done wrong. You shouldn't be scared of your son and I think you should be telling your parents becouse you need support.

wishing you the best, op

I can relate. I have 2 ASD teens to cope with alone. i havent been the target but my home has. However.... one is currently living with my parents. Its better for him as they are retired and always there. I am at work. He needs to feel secure and they keep him busy with jobs. Boredom will push them further into a depressive hole.

You both need support. I found camhs beyond crap. I have found a new counsellor, it's working so far as its a softer approach than camhs, no pressure.

I havent found any external agencies to be of any help. Despite years of door knocking and asking. Because they are "high functioning" they get dropped. Funding is the problem. But they are kids who think differently, have different fears and can take an age to understand what i think may be reasonable logic.

Keep going. Stand your ground. Yes is yes, no is no and keep loving him. Forget his room. Keep your charger in your bag (its amazing what i keep in the car boot...). It's bloody hard and i cry in the shower most days, but it's do-able.

I really feel for you. X

ByeMF are you taking the piss I have an 18yr old DS who has autism. I understand it completely and have been to numerous sessions at the hospital around managing behaviour and not once has it condoned violent behaviour.
Yes he is lashing out and may find it harder to control impulse reactions but he still needs boundaries and consequences. The OP doesnt indicate low functioning autism he knows he is doing wrong.
OP I feel you my DS has never been violent but is having a tough time managing his transition to adulthood and the hormones that come with that.
You are doing the best job you can, fight for some help and remember teens are often horrible with or without ASD. Keep trying to get through to him you are all he has right now you can do it.

I'm not taking the piss at all. From OPs original post she seems to have little understanding - it's all about how her son's condition affects her, not about how he feels. I'm not condoning violet behaviour at all. I'm saying understand the triggers. Understand that people on the spectrum can't always fit into the neurotypical world.

18 yr old DS has Aspergers with lots of learning difficulties
inability to remember where he was going and what he was doing.
he would rather flee a situation than stay and accept help
All from the original post. All suggest a complete lack of understanding of ASD. The parent seems to be expecting a young person with these issues to pull their socks up, get with the programme and get a job it doesn't work like that. And the LD does not fit in with an Asperger's diagnosis.

Okay.well thats a little better explained rather than your first post which was very accusatory.
One child with autism is one child with autism just because her son doesnt fit the spec exactly so what.
One thing I will always do as a parent of a child with ASD is try to support another parent when they are struggling.
There is no one fits all handbook for this everyone is learning more and more all the time about how to deal with it. Its so hard and the OP did not need what felt to me like a judgmental post.
Anyway enough said the journey is different to us all but one thing remains the same. They are our children and we love them unconditionally but as parents have to help them understand acceptable social behaviours and boundaries if they are to ever cope with what will always be a neurotypical world. We cant change the world for them we have to help them survive it.

ByeMF my instinct is tell you to get lost but instead I will do what I have spent years doing and justify my actions as a parent.

Of course I feel for my son. I understand about demand avoidance, god knows I’ve lived it for years. And I understand about how hard it will be for him to find a job. That is why I’ve never suggested that he get a regular job despite the fact that we desperately need the money but rather have signed him up to a charity that specialises in helping SEN kids into supported employment.

Of course it’s hard for him to go out into the NT world but it really isn’t in his best interests to be lying in bed for two months on the Internet. He’s a young lad who needs to go out, make friends and gain some confidence. Of course it’s going to be hard for him but once he gets out there, with help and in a supported environment, will change his life and it’s something I want for him more than anything.

You seem to be saying that I should just put up with his outbursts of violence and for years I have done but the last time when I was lying on the floor and he was kicking me it felt so brutal. However he feels I think I have a right to feel safe in my own home.

Understanding the reasons for my son’s behaviour doesn’t make the punching feel any better.

I’m sure you will go ahead, pick apart my post, point out the ways in which I’m not caring for him correctly and make me feel an even shittier parent, but really you don’t need to. I feel shitty enough already.

My life has been spent listening to parents of NT people telling me I need to get him to shape up, turn off the WiFi, make him feel the consequences whilst simultaneously listening to others who like yourselves who say be softer, be more understanding. It’s very frustrating and genuinely hard to know what is the right path to make him into a happier person.

For the others, thanks for your support. Unfortunately the Police didn’t come last night but have assured me they’d come today. I nearly called it off because I was worried it might affect his future but they assured it wouldn’t.

Then I decided to tell DS the police had contacted me and we spoke calmly about the incident. He acknowledged that he loses his temper but that he gets carried away by “rage” and doesn’t realise what he’s doing. He says that he does care but that he doesn’t like to apologise.

Anyway at least it’s a start. Perhaps when the police come it won’t be such a shock. Maybe they will suggest some help. We went to CAMHS once but he is extremely adept at fooling people into believing he is NT. He even admitted afterwards that this is what he’d done because he doesn’t wang help, but that it exhausted him.

Lordy sorry for the long post! But there was a lot to say!

to you. Keep on reaching out for help. So hard to get the help we need these days; sometimes getting the police involved is the only way to get social support.

Good luck, Op.

My DS also has Asperger's. As a teenager he too became violent and was put on Respiridone for two years. It helped a great deal, although he put on a lot of weight (which he lost when he stopped the drug).
It is very frightening when your child behaves in this way and you have my sympathy OP. Anyone who goes head-to-head with a person with autism will regret it. Telling him to do things won't work. I had two NT children first and the tactics I used for them didn't work.
I suspect your DS is deeply unhappy. This is not your fault, but you are the only one he can rely on to stick around, so he takes it out on you. I was told this on an autism course, and it certainly rings true.
I really hope you can get help from one of the avenues you have tried OP.

I don't know how to act round him now. My instinct is to be my usual loving self to him but then I remember what he did and I feel that if I am he will not feel any consequence.

Still waiting for the police to get in touch.

@tootiredtospeak that was a lovely post.

Op good luck with the police. I hope they are able to help you and your ds navigate the next steps. Please don't berate yourself, your love for your son shines through in your posts, and you've clearly done the best that you can as a mum, under incredibly difficult circumstances. That's all any of us can do.

I'm kind of freaking out. They finally came round. I thought they would just chat to him, tell him that what he was doing is wrong and now they've gone and arrested him!

I pleaded with them not to. But they said they had to. They said they'd get him back as soon as possible. But I'm so scared for him. He seemed fine but he must be freaking out. I can't believe them did this. They had assured me on the phone they wouldn't do anything without checking with me.

I can't sleep until he's home.

I signed something saying that i wasn't making a statement. Which means they won't press charges. god I just want them to bring him home.

Did they indicate how long it might be?

Well they said they could hold him for up to 24 hours but they’d they would try to get him in and out as soon as possible.

I have no idea how long these things take. Maybe I could go to the police station.

Oh OP I’m so sorry I don’t have any wise words but I’m thinking of you. I hope someone comes along soon who knows something about arrest procedures and how long this will all be.

I think this needed to happen. As you say he has been violent numerous times and is escalating in severity.

He cannot continue with this behaviour. There are positive things that can happen from this police action.

Your son will modify his behaviour and you can both live peacefully together.

Your son assaults you again, but now you have evidence to present to the relevant authorities to enable a plan to be formed about your son’s future living independently from you.

I think you have done the right thing. You are being a good mother, the worst thing you could do for you and him is to cover up the violence.

This is a time you must stay strong and focused, do not backtrack.

Good luck.