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Original poster

18 year old DS hits me....

103 replies

Porta6 · 14/01/2020 08:56

I'm at the end of my tether and I don't know what else to do other than ask you for help. I'm a regular poster, just nc for this.

18 yr old DS has Aspergers with lots of learning difficulties. He left college about 2 months ago due to his inability to remember where he was going and what he was doing. He has always had an edge to him, not rude exactly, but where he would rather flee a situation than stay and accept help. I'm pretty sure the teachers couldn't take it any more.

The last two months have been a nightmare. I go to work, (single mum btw) come home to find he's been in bed all day and done nothing towards finding a job / apprenticeship / volunteer position. I've signed him up at a charity dedicated to getting SEN adults into work but it's only once a week and he does nothing in the meantime. I leave lists for him, ask him lovingly, sternly, tried everything..

His room is like a landfill despite my many pleas/nags for him to tidy it, even saying I'll help him. I know it's his room but I keep having to go in there to get stuff like towels, cups but most annoyingly my charger which he keeps taking cos he's lost so many of his own.

Whenever he sees me in there he physically pulls me out by twisting my wrist in a way that I can't get out of. He's kicked me before, notably once when I was trying to reason with him and he kicked me so hard I fell off the bed and onto the floor onto my back.

This morning I went in there to get my charger, and seeing the absolute floor covered mess I started putting his clothes away. A bad move I know but it's so awful, there's mould everywhere because he won't open doors/windows.

This of course led to an argument and he came over to me, called me a bitch and started kicking me. I was on the floor in the corner in a ball and he just kicked me really hard on my side. To which I screamed obviously.

He then tried to grab me and pull me out. I shouldn't have resisted but I was so fed up that I did, at which point he started punching me around the legs and as I was lying down at this point, he put his hands around my neck as if he was going to strangle me. It wasn't hard but it shocked me and I called for help.

I don't know what to do. I want to live a peaceful life. I have very little money and I love DS so much, but when he's like this I just don't want him in my house.

I can't ask for help to people in RL because my parents are quite old and have health problems, and when I've ventured to tell my friends they say "how do you let him get away with it?" as if it's that simple. I don't have many choices. He's a boy with SEN, so I can't just kick him out. I don't have any money. His dad lives abroad and hasn't paid any maintenance for over 10 years.

I'm sorry for the ramble. It's pretty incoherent but I'm just distraught, reached the end of my tether and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Equanimitas · 14/01/2020 11:22

When your son was at school he presumably had an EHCP which should have included social care provision, and the last few annual reviews should have concentrated on the transition to adulthood. Also there is a duty on Children's Social Services to liaise with Adult SS to ensure smooth transition between the two.

There should be a Duty SW. Contact them and emphasise that this is an emergency because you just aren't safe. If they don't act quickly, consider contacting solicitors who have a community care legal aid contract {e.g. Irwin Mitchell, Simpson Millar, Sinclairs) for advice.

pickingdaisies · 14/01/2020 11:36

Hi, OP, you can't fix this on your own. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, it doesn't mean you've failed or given up. It means that the strategy you tried hasn't worked, so now you need to try another one. Involving outside help. It's safer for you, and in the long term much better for your son. If he does real damage to you or to someone else, the decision will be taken out of your hands. You are absolutely NOT letting him down. (((Hugs)))

Hepsibar · 14/01/2020 11:36

You are amazing caring for this child, now young man all this time. Now he is 18, you need help. You have not failed, you have been wonderful to manage until this time.

It's not his fault either the sensory issues and inability to express or socialise are so overwhelming and the lashing out at whoever is there but you being injured and taking these batterings and losing your self worth and confidence are not going to make his life better.

He now needs to live in a setting with carers who do shifts and are not ground down 24/7 and can manage the meltdowns. You can then get to see him and do things he and hopefully you like.

To achieve this Social Services is obv your first stop, but due to resources may be slow so you may need as well to go down the police and prosecution route ... the latter will be hard on you both but will protect you and get him into a safe setting in the longer term ... we dont want you being severely injured or killed ...

Good luck wonderful person.

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Original poster
Porta6 · 14/01/2020 11:43

Thanks so much everyone. I'm waiting to hear from the woman at the council, in the SEN department. Yes I'm hoping for some kind of social worker.

I just spoke to my parents on the phone but tbh I can't tell them about the violence because my mum has heart problems and I don't want to set her off. My dad tried to talk to him about the job search but he's barricaded himself in his bedroom and refuses to come out.

God it's so shit! This is not what I imagined would happen. He was always such a good kid.

OP posts:
karencantobe · 14/01/2020 11:46

He does not hurt your parents when he is staying there? So he does have some control over what he does.

lovelilies · 14/01/2020 11:58

I know he has SEN (I have ADHD and DD has ASD so I'm not naive) but he is exhibiting abusive behaviour and also the ability to control it to his needs.
I'd recommend reading Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that? To gain some insight into the mind of abusive men.
You're doing the best thing, getting help for you Both as this life right now must be awful for you both

EKGEMS · 14/01/2020 11:59

I'd call 999 and say your son is violent and barricaded in his room-i had to get my son sectioned for violence at 14 as a special needs child but it helped him get on correct psychiatric medications

karencantobe · 14/01/2020 12:14

Also putting his hands round your neck is very dangerous and means that you are at a much higher risk of being murdered.
I am sorry OP I know this must be very hard. But calling the police is a way to get help with this.

SameOldHorrorStory · 14/01/2020 12:48

I just feel so desperate going to the council for help over something I should be able to sort out myself.

Why do you think you should be able to sort this out yourself? I felt exhausted just reading your post and I wouldn’t be able to deal with it on my own for even a week so I don’t know why you think you should be able to go through this without any help. I feel really sorry for you and hope it works out and you get the help you need. He needs to know, SEN or not, that hitting and strangling people is not acceptable except in self defence.

Original poster
Porta6 · 14/01/2020 12:56

He didn’t actually apply pressure when he had his hands round my neck. He stopped then started going for my glasses! It was just the shock that he saw this as a move.

Yes he can control himself. But with me familiarity breeds contempt.

I’m just trying to hold onto our relationship. He is my son and when I see other grown up sons that don’t keep in touch with their mums I feel so sad. But I guess at some point I have to accept that it’s never going to be the same as it was.

And if he feels no remorse then I just have to protect my own self. Cos he’s not going to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Porta6 · 14/01/2020 12:57

I feel so stupid sometimes thinking I had the ability to raise a son. What was I thinking of.

OP posts:
karencantobe · 14/01/2020 13:02

I am sure it is hard, but you need to try and not waste energy on blaming yourself. Maybe things could have been different, maybe not? Maybe he was always only going to listen to a man? You don't know.

But you do need to protect yourself. And my worry is that it does sound like it is escalating.

QuestionableMouse · 14/01/2020 13:13

Can you have a chat with your GP? They're usually pretty good at helping people access support.

It isn't your fault op. Life is just a bit shit at times and it will get better. If he hurts you again phone 999 and let the police cart him off. Might just sink into him then that what he's doing isn't acceptable.

Embracelife · 14/01/2020 13:16

Adult social care
Tell them he needs to move into supported living arrangement for adults with his level of need
Tell them you can no longer provide a roof for him and you are evicting him

SameOldHorrorStory · 14/01/2020 13:17

You are not stupid OP, not at all. You need help.

Embracelife · 14/01/2020 13:18

He needs some support to to address these behaviours
Reporting to adult social care his gp
And 999 if violent again

ghostmouse · 14/01/2020 13:30

Phone the police. I had to do this every time my ds did this too. he has aspergers as well. You have a right to be safe in your own home.

My ds no longer hits me and stopped doing so a few times after I involved the police

GiveHerHellFromUs · 14/01/2020 18:50

I feel so stupid sometimes thinking I had the ability to raise a son. What was I thinking of.

You've raised a son on your own for 18 years. Don't feel stupid. You've done it. It's him who needs extra support. He has needs that you couldn't predict and can't control. Don't see this as a failing on your part - it's really not.

AvaSnowdrop · 14/01/2020 18:55

If he’s capable of working then he’s capable of understanding that he can’t just assault people. If he can’t understand that then he isn’t safe to be in the workplace. He’s 18, for your own safety you need to make arrangements for him to live elsewhere.

Original poster
Porta6 · 15/01/2020 14:04

Oh my god. The police have just called me. They were really nice and they’re coming to our home this evening to talk to him.

I’m so nervous. What if he won’t come out of his room? What if it makes things worse? They said they didn’t need to say I’d contacted them.

God. I’m so nervous. Wish me luck.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/01/2020 14:52

Good luck. It'll be ok - they'll send officers who have training in this area.

SkaterGrrrrl · 15/01/2020 14:56

Good luck Flowers

EllaEllaE · 15/01/2020 16:42

You are doing so well in a terribly difficult situation. You are not a failure as a parent at all. You're doing the best you can, and that's all any of us can do. You love your son and have kept him safe all these years. We all need help sometimes -- that's why people like social services exist. The police and social services are there to help you. Best of luck this evening. You are absolutely doing the right thing, for you and your son. Flowers

MrsPerfect12 · 15/01/2020 17:23

Good luck with the police. I hope it helps you. Flowers

fussychica · 15/01/2020 17:59

Flowers I hope you get the help you need and deserve.