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Would you be upset if your kids didn't marry/have kids?

103 replies

Echobelly · 08/01/2020 12:07

Was discussing this with friends recently… my kids are still pre-teen so I’m sure my feeling could change, but right not I really don’t feel bothered whether I am ever a grandparent or not, though some of my friends with kids a similar age were sure they’d be very sad not to have grandkids.

Thinking about it, I’m also not too bothered about whether or not they get a married/have a LTR (provided of course, they are happy with that as an outcome, obviously I’d be sad if they wanted to and didn’t). But I feel it quite important to tell DD in particular as she gets older that no one’s expecting her to marry or have kids and that’s her choice…. Especially with increasing evidence that while marriage is great for men’s wellbeing, it’s actively negative for women apparently! I think now that women don’t have to be financially reliant on men (though being in a relationship certainly helps, especially if kids are in the picture) marriage just isn’t the imperative it was, but on some levels society still treats it as the peak of a woman’s life and her #1 goal (but not men, of course).
Has anyone found their feelings on this have changed as they get older?

OP posts:
2020BetterBeBetter · 08/01/2020 12:09

I’m worried that they won’t be happy. That’s my concern. As long as they are happy (and not at others’ expense), then a lack of relationships and children won’t concern me.

BlueChampagne · 08/01/2020 12:10

Depends how climate change is going! Agree I'd rather they were happy.

BlackCatSleeping · 08/01/2020 12:11

I just want them to be happy. I think being married with kids is over-rated.

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P1nkHeartLovesCake · 08/01/2020 12:12

No, not everyone wants marriage and sc that doesn’t meant they can’t have a loving relationship & be happy in life.

I will however be disappointed if my dd ended up a sahm living off a man, I’ve never done it and hope to raise her to ALWAYS have an income of her own. It’s so outdated imo but many women still live that way

PatchworkElmer · 08/01/2020 12:14

I just want him to be happy. Ideally (if the climate isn’t in a dire situation), I’d love to be a Grandparent one day, but I wouldn’t be upset if I wasn’t- it’s his life and his choice.

Roomba · 08/01/2020 12:16

I had this conversation with my mother recently, as she was upset that my sister would never have kids or get married now she's in her 40s. Although I have children, my mother is also very sad that I am showing no signs of 'settling down with a nice man' after splitting with my ex a few years ago. In her mind, one cannot possibly be truly happy and fulfilled without a partner and children to share life's ups and downs with. My sister has never wanted children and I've rather live alone than with a partner ever again!

My mother was gobsmacked when I said it wasn't up to me whether my own kids marry or have children. That I just wanted them to be happy, whatever happy was for them. 'But you must want to have grandchildren one day, you must want to see them happy and settled?' Well no, I don't mind at all whether they procreate or not. And 'happy and settled' can mean many different things!

JesusMaryAndJosepheen · 08/01/2020 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meganc559 · 08/01/2020 12:19

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a sahm and the man works, that's how it used to be.

I have a son and I would want him to find love the way I did with his father and for him to be happy, of course I want grand babies but I won't be disappointed in him if he didn't have any

AuntieMarys · 08/01/2020 12:19

I hope they have a living relationship with someone. But I dont want grandchildren.

Mintjulia · 08/01/2020 12:20

No. I want my son to be happy and healthy.
How he achieves that happiness is up to him.

If I want more children, there are plenty need fostering Smile

misspiggy19 · 08/01/2020 12:21

Yes I would be.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 08/01/2020 12:23

Nope.

Not everyone feels the need to have children.

Not everyone feels the need to be in a relationship.

OllyBJolly · 08/01/2020 12:26

My beloved grandfather told me often that the happiest women he knew had never married. Wish I'd listened to what he was saying.

I want my DCs to be happy. What that happiness looks like is up to them.

missmouse101 · 08/01/2020 12:28

I 'd be secretly delighted if they choose to be childfree. No need for marriage either.

MooseBreath · 08/01/2020 12:28

I want my kids to be happy. If that means I don't get grandchildren, so be it. I would love to have them, but it's not my call!

slartibarti · 08/01/2020 12:29

I just want them to enjoy life and have an interesting career.
I'd secretly be relieved if my sons didn't marry/have kids as I don't want to be a MIL.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 08/01/2020 12:34

@missmouse101 Same, if I’m being brutally honest.

FlashingFedora · 08/01/2020 12:39

Not at all but I'm single by choice and very happy. Growing up marriage and babies is all my mum ever went on about, by the age of 12 I'd already decided it wasn't for me. Did end up having a child in my late 30's and glad I did but I'd have been equally happy to continue my life child and partner free. If fact my 11 year old has already said they want to live alone too when they're an adult so we'll see.

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 08/01/2020 12:40

I'd like two or three DGC, but that doesn't mean that all of my DC will have babies. So long as they're fulfilled and productive members of society, I'm happy.

Besides, I have dogs.

Butterfly02 · 08/01/2020 12:43

I would love Grand children (I've seen the lovely bond my dc have with my parents) however not at the detriment of their health and happiness. My Dt 10 had the talk at school and came home saying they were not doing the 'icky yucky thing' so don't expect grandchildren. One has now decided he's adopting. Ds 15 laughed and said I'm sure you'll change your mind! 😂

GhostsToMonsoon · 08/01/2020 12:43

I wouldn't be at all upset, as long as it was their choice - I'd just want them to be happy.

My mum enjoys being a grandma, but she used to say when I was younger that she didn't hanker after grandchildren. She often talks in very positive terms about my sister's decision not to have any children.

mbosnz · 08/01/2020 12:48

I've always been very firm that it's very important that you only have children if you really, really, really want them - and for good reasons, not just to hold onto a relationship, or because your friends are doing it, etc.

As to being disappointed if my DD were a SAHP? No. I'd respect her right to live her life, according to her lights, and believe that she was most likely to be in more complete possession of all the facts that made that choice the right one for herself and her family.

EugeniaGrace · 08/01/2020 12:50

I have a two-month old dd. She looks like a butch lesbian.

So much so, when choosing her name after she was born, we dropped all the more girly names from our shortlist and gave her a unisex middle name.

I told dh last night that either she will keep this look forever and we will say we always knew or her look will change completely as she grows up and it will become a embarrassing story we tell her about her childhood.

In either case, I am not holding out for grandchildren.

notaregularmom · 08/01/2020 12:53

It wouldn't bother me if they didn't but I have five children and the chances of them all not marrying or having kids is pretty slim lol

Ninkanink · 08/01/2020 12:55

If they were sad or lonely or desperately wanted to be in a relationship/have children but couldn’t, then of course I’d be upset for them. But if they were happy and contented with their situation(s) then no, I wouldn’t be sad or upset or disappointed. My children do not exist to meet my needs or wants. I want for them to be good, decent, well-rounded women (and they are), happy and content with life, safe and secure in themselves. All of that is for their own sakes, not mine.