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Original poster

Would you be upset if your kids didn't marry/have kids?

103 replies

Echobelly · 08/01/2020 12:07

Was discussing this with friends recently… my kids are still pre-teen so I’m sure my feeling could change, but right not I really don’t feel bothered whether I am ever a grandparent or not, though some of my friends with kids a similar age were sure they’d be very sad not to have grandkids.

Thinking about it, I’m also not too bothered about whether or not they get a married/have a LTR (provided of course, they are happy with that as an outcome, obviously I’d be sad if they wanted to and didn’t). But I feel it quite important to tell DD in particular as she gets older that no one’s expecting her to marry or have kids and that’s her choice…. Especially with increasing evidence that while marriage is great for men’s wellbeing, it’s actively negative for women apparently! I think now that women don’t have to be financially reliant on men (though being in a relationship certainly helps, especially if kids are in the picture) marriage just isn’t the imperative it was, but on some levels society still treats it as the peak of a woman’s life and her #1 goal (but not men, of course).
Has anyone found their feelings on this have changed as they get older?

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/01/2020 14:31

dont care if my DD never got married, but I would be gutted if she didnt have children (i wouldnt guilt her or expect her to have them for me) - but Id love grandchildren

fufulina · 08/01/2020 14:41

I often wish that I had been more critical in appraising the expectations of women (and so my internalised expectations of myself) - to marry and have kids.

I love mine, but there are a million ways to live a fulfilling life, marriage and kids is just one.

I hope I equip my DDs to think critically about the benefits, and costs, of marriage and children, and to appraise the expectation for what it is.

I just want them to be happy.

I suspect that without societal pressure some (many?) women would be happier without ever having embarked on the marriage/kids expectation.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/01/2020 14:48

Not bothered at all. I want DS to be happy and that's it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

OllyBJolly · 08/01/2020 14:52

And I'm with @P1nkHeartLovesCake , I'd be so disappointed if either of my DCs aspired to be a SAHP. I know too many unhappy, single, broke (financially and emotionally) former SAHMs with absolutely no chance of recovering a career or bank balance.

LightDrizzle · 08/01/2020 14:54

Another vote for happiness. Although I would be a little disappointed not to have grandchildren. I wouldn’t let my daughter know that though.
It wouldn’t be a yawning gap in my life or anything.

Bluerussian · 08/01/2020 15:07

Not upset. My view is that it's their life, I've had mine, made my choices. I just want them to be happy. I say, 'them', but that's me using generic speech, I have just one child and - he is engaged to be married! I have to say I'm delighted, he'll be a stepdad to a seven year old too, his fiancee is a widow. However I'd still be pleased with him if he stayed single - as long as he was content with his life. They seem very happy at the moment so I live in hope.

fussychica · 08/01/2020 16:35

Not bothered at all, I just want him to be happy and healthy. He's in his late 20s and in a long term relationship but I'm not sure it will lead to marriage or children and I don't mind at all.

Parky04 · 08/01/2020 16:40

Not at all. If anything I would rather not be a grandparent. My DC are adults now and I can't be arsed being a grandparen!

Notso · 08/01/2020 16:41

Are the parents who've said they'd be disappointed if their child was a SAHP are going to be happy to provide free childcare if cost of childcare is a reason their child wants to give up work?

HenSolo · 08/01/2020 16:48

@Notso my sentiments exactly

You can’t say you just want your kids to be happy and in the same breath say you’d be disappointed if they chose a certain path. There are many reasons people might choose to be a SAHP.

OllyBJolly · 08/01/2020 16:51

Are the parents who've said they'd be disappointed if their child was a SAHP are going to be happy to provide free childcare if cost of childcare is a reason their child wants to give up work?

No. I contribute to nursery costs because I'm in the fortunate position to be able to do that. I'm happy to do emergency care if required.

I learned the hard way that it's a mistake to be financially dependent on a partner and I'm immensely proud that both DDs have financial independence as a priority.

Meganc559 · 08/01/2020 17:10

I love being a sahm, I was put to lots of different childminders when I was little, one force fed me by pinning me down and holding my nose so I would open my mouth,,, the other was a psycho and wouldn't let us touch anything, we weren't even allowed to sit on a chair or couch.

I want to be there to raise my kids rather than have someone else do it for me

mbosnz · 08/01/2020 17:13

Okay, do we need to turn this into a 'put the boot into the SAHP/ retaliate with a swift uppercut to the jaw of the non SAHP?

We've done it really rather recently haven't we? Has anyone come up with any new material? I know I haven't. Why don't we take it as read?

After all, this was a thread about whether you'd be sad if your kids didn't have kids, not about how pearl clutchy you'd feel if they decided they wanted to be barefoot, pregnant, and chained to the sink. . .

CorgisintheRain · 08/01/2020 17:18

Nope, happiness above all.

My wonderful sister is in her late thirties and has never met anyone. She loves children and did used to speak about having them one day. It's quite difficult because I can tell she is unhappy but what can I do or say to make her happier? It must be a thousand times worse as a parent to see your child want something and not have it.

fishonabicycle · 08/01/2020 17:27

Not at all - as long as they are happy. Already have one grandchild and to be honest, I'm pretty unimpressed by the whole 'being expected to babysit' all the blinking time. I still work, so was hoping my free time would be my own as I try to create it for myself. However it is being eroded pretty rapidly by aging parents and babysitting. Small kids are tedious and I much prefer teenagers.

leli · 08/01/2020 17:31

I have been unhappily single for a lot of my life and always feel so much happier in a relationship. So, yes, I’m delighted that my son is married with a baby and I wish the same for my daughter. It may be generational but I think it gets harder being single as one gets older, it’s much more expensive being single and more and more people get coupled and socialise with other couples.

But I try to keep my views to myself!

leli · 08/01/2020 17:32

Forgot to say I adore baby-sitting for my baby grand-daughter.

Dancingontheedge · 08/01/2020 17:35

No sign yet, and they are in their late 20s. I don’t care, because I want them to be happy in their choices and they are.

IrmaFayLear · 08/01/2020 17:42

I think it's putting a lot of pressure on children to want them to be "happy". That's harder than having dc... even harder than trying to find a partner.

I'm not particularly desperate to have grandchildren, but I would like my dcs to have the experience of having their own dcs. It is a positive one on the whole!

I think you probably romanticise what you don't have. I know a few older people with no prospect of gc who feel a bit when faced with the gc bragging of their peers.

Notso · 08/01/2020 17:47

No. I contribute to nursery costs because I'm in the fortunate position to be able to do that. I'm happy to do emergency care if required.

So you are providing free childcare?

I learned the hard way that it's a mistake to be financially dependent on a partner
It might have been a mistake for you but that doesn't mean it's a mistake for everyone.

OllyBJolly · 08/01/2020 17:53

It might have been a mistake for you but that doesn't mean it's a mistake for everyone

Financial dependence is a precarious situation for anyone.

MondeoFan · 08/01/2020 18:07

I'd be sad not to be a grandparent as I believe it's part of life, it's what we are here for, to procreate

OhMeows · 08/01/2020 18:24

This interests me. My partner (of 10 years) and I have chosen to not have children and both mothers are vocally devastated and shocked.

They can't seem to get their heads around it, as if it's an abomination to not have children. We're getting married soon so it seemed they thought children would swiftly follow, and I know the word "barren" has been batted about. We've never tried to have children and don't intend to. They just don't seem to be able to get past it.

Notso · 08/01/2020 18:25

Financial dependence is a precarious situation for anyone.
Agreed, that doesn't make it a mistake though. It's a risk that sometimes doesn't work out, like taking out a massive mortgage or putting everything you have into a business. That doesn't mean it's not a risk worth taking if that's what a couple decide is best for them.

Lipperfromchipper · 08/01/2020 18:27

If it’s what they want and they are happy then no it wouldn’t bother me!

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