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Original poster

Would you be upset if your kids didn't marry/have kids?

103 replies

Echobelly · 08/01/2020 12:07

Was discussing this with friends recently… my kids are still pre-teen so I’m sure my feeling could change, but right not I really don’t feel bothered whether I am ever a grandparent or not, though some of my friends with kids a similar age were sure they’d be very sad not to have grandkids.

Thinking about it, I’m also not too bothered about whether or not they get a married/have a LTR (provided of course, they are happy with that as an outcome, obviously I’d be sad if they wanted to and didn’t). But I feel it quite important to tell DD in particular as she gets older that no one’s expecting her to marry or have kids and that’s her choice…. Especially with increasing evidence that while marriage is great for men’s wellbeing, it’s actively negative for women apparently! I think now that women don’t have to be financially reliant on men (though being in a relationship certainly helps, especially if kids are in the picture) marriage just isn’t the imperative it was, but on some levels society still treats it as the peak of a woman’s life and her #1 goal (but not men, of course).
Has anyone found their feelings on this have changed as they get older?

OP posts:
FruitcakeOfHate · 08/01/2020 12:56

No. As long as they're happy.

HenSolo · 08/01/2020 12:57

Couldn’t care less as long as they are genuinely happy

Also shocked to see the patronising comments about being a SAHP....I couldn’t afford to go back to work and pay for childcare so I’m a SAHM for now. If I had earned as much as DH then he would have been the SAHP. Who cares what works for someone else?

Nat6999 · 08/01/2020 12:58

I've recently been diagnosed with Autism, my ds was diagnosed age 9. Had I known I was autistic I would not have got married or had children. Ds is 15 & is gay, in a way I am glad because the chances are he will not have children. Our family has a high incidence of Autism, all ds generation ( he has 2 cousins) are autistic, I hate the fact that I have passed this on to him & feel so guilty.

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Hotcuppatea · 08/01/2020 12:58

As long as they are happy, no.

beethebee · 08/01/2020 13:03

I definitely wouldn't mind. Mine are little but currently both saying they don't want DC.

There are a hell of a lot of advantages to being child-free so I definitely wouldn't dissuade them.

AgeLikeWine · 08/01/2020 13:06

My DM was very disappointed when she finally realised that I was serious about being childfree, and that my biological clock wasn’t going to start ticking, but her wish to be a grandmother wasn’t a relevant factor. It’s my life, and I won’t live for someone else’s wishes.

Katinski · 08/01/2020 13:06

Had I lived the life my parents wanted for me, I'd have married a 'nice' man (ie one of their choosing), lived close enough for them to visit weekly, and have a 'nice' house and garden and 2 'nice' children.
Fuck that!GrinGrinGrin

FreckledLeopard · 08/01/2020 13:06

Going against the grain here but I'd be really sad if DD didn't have children. I see how much pleasure grandchildren bring, I loved my grandmother so much and I love the idea of being a grandparent, so I'd be really sad if it didn't happen.

I've not said any of this to DD, but yes, I'd be sad.

GabsAlot · 08/01/2020 13:17

I think its great op and others you saying this-im childfree by choice noones ever pushed me close family wise-i thin they knew when iwas much younge ri wouldnt be aving children

I hate it when people say but i want to be a grandmother/father-its none of your business and not your right to have any-and never say this to your children

CornishMaid1 · 08/01/2020 13:17

I wouldn't be upset if my child didn't marry and/or have kids. I just want my child to be happy.

I would however worry that if my child never married/had a LTR or had kids that they would be or feel alone after we have gone and I would feel sad for that.

OllyBJolly · 08/01/2020 13:19

they would be or feel alone after we have gone and I would feel sad for that

Sadly I know too many people who are married with children who are sad and lonely.

mbosnz · 08/01/2020 13:21

We have a friend who has not had a LTR, and is definitely never having kids.

They are happy. They have a wonderful life, filled with travel, passions, fun, a career, their family, and wonderful friends.

It would be even lovelier if their family would realise that what makes them happy, what would make them happy to see in their offspring's life, is not what would make our friend happy. And stop bloody nagging and hinting about LTR's and grandkids!

Some people really do not want or need a LTR.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/01/2020 13:24

What would really upset me would be either of them being unhappy.

One of mine is married with little ones, the other is ‘partnered’ and doesn’t want children.
Both happy with their own choices.

I don’t think I’d have been particularly sad if I hadn’t had Gdcs. Much as I love them, I never yearned for them like some people do.

OTOH I’d have been dreadfully sad if either dd had wanted babies and been unable to have them.

Ginfordinner · 08/01/2020 13:24

I just want DD to be happy. She had a boyfriend for 4 years, and has admitted that she would like someone else in her life now. She hates children and has no intention of having any. I don't care whether she has children or not. I just want her to be happy and settled, whatever that means.

madcatladyforever · 08/01/2020 13:24

No, my son lives with his partner and they have decided not to have children because there are too many people around already.
They are in their 40's and have been together for years.
I'm not concerned in the slightest,. I work full time in the NHS and don't have time for grandma duties and I also feel we need to stop randomly breeding now with climate change etc. I only have one child.
We all rescue animals instead.

Cookit · 08/01/2020 13:38

I also find the SAHM comment surprising.

I am about to become one simply because I don’t like working and I want to be the one raising our children and the whole set up makes all of (me, DH, DC) happier. I am trying very hard to just find contentment in every day rather than never having time so just buying “stuff” and holidays to somehow magic us all happy which doesn’t work.

I hope my kids are happy when they grow up. I’ve found happiness in a long term relationship and in having children so if they do too, great. Whatever path they follow I just want it to be a considered one - I hope they truly spend time to decide what careers they want to go into and where in the country (world?) they want to live and who they want to be with rather than settling in any of these aspects.

Sicario · 08/01/2020 13:49

Marriage and kids is vastly over-rated. The thought of having to look after a baby or child again fills me with horror. Hoping for absolutely no grandchildren ever.

redeyetonowheregood · 08/01/2020 14:01

I have made it clear to my children that marriage is no big deal...you can live with people without marriage, get civilly partnered, whatever. Or not.

Like pretty much everyone else, I want them to be happy in whatever from that happiness takes. I will be heartbroken for them if they want children but can't have them, but they will never have a moments pressure from me about it.

Ninkanink · 08/01/2020 14:04

Marriage is very important if one wants to have children. I will advise my daughters to ensure they are married if and when they commit to having children with a man.

But in and of itself, no it’s not hugely important.

Original poster
Echobelly · 08/01/2020 14:08

I wasn’t expecting so much agreement – I wonder if there has been a bit of a sea-change (or if we’re all too young for it to hit home)?
It takes a long time to shake of millennia of patriarchal stuff, I suppose – for a long time we were all supposed to worry about our daughters marrying because otherwise they’d be a ‘burden’ on us as well as presumably a bit embarrassment to the family, which I think then got replaced by worrying because of a cultural idea that a woman needs a man to complete her (although apparently the same doesn’t apply vice versa)

And I guess as fewer women take their husband’s name, you lose the obsession with ‘carrying on the family name’ by having children.

Then, obviously, there is pessimism about the state of the world – which is what triggered the conversation with friends.

OP posts:
Notso · 08/01/2020 14:08

I'd feel sad for my children if they really wanted children but couldn't have them for whatever reason.

I can't imagine me really wanting Grandchildren. Although I'd probably embrace them if I had them, I do genuinely worry about my children having children in the next ten years or so and me being required/expected/feeling obliged to look after them.
I know my feelings might change but at the moment I don't feel ready despite my oldest child being the age I was when they were born.

Donkeytail · 08/01/2020 14:13

I've never really thought about it. My two are only 13 and 10. I'm 33 so will still be young enough when they are adults, I've got too many plans for my own future when they are independent to be thinking about grandchildren.

Soubriquet · 08/01/2020 14:16

No. As long as they are both happy, then I don’t care what they do

Nonnymum · 08/01/2020 14:21

I want my children to be happy so if that's a partner and family fine if not also fine as long as that is what they want. One of my DC has a partner and children the other doesn't. I do worry that the single one may end up lonely but if they are happy single thats fine. Their life their decision

JingleBear · 08/01/2020 14:21

Nope not bothered at all.

I just hope that my son has meaningful relationships. With lots of good friends and a partner (and family obviously)