Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Would you be upset if your kids didn't marry/have kids?

103 replies

Echobelly · 08/01/2020 12:07

Was discussing this with friends recently… my kids are still pre-teen so I’m sure my feeling could change, but right not I really don’t feel bothered whether I am ever a grandparent or not, though some of my friends with kids a similar age were sure they’d be very sad not to have grandkids.

Thinking about it, I’m also not too bothered about whether or not they get a married/have a LTR (provided of course, they are happy with that as an outcome, obviously I’d be sad if they wanted to and didn’t). But I feel it quite important to tell DD in particular as she gets older that no one’s expecting her to marry or have kids and that’s her choice…. Especially with increasing evidence that while marriage is great for men’s wellbeing, it’s actively negative for women apparently! I think now that women don’t have to be financially reliant on men (though being in a relationship certainly helps, especially if kids are in the picture) marriage just isn’t the imperative it was, but on some levels society still treats it as the peak of a woman’s life and her #1 goal (but not men, of course).
Has anyone found their feelings on this have changed as they get older?

OP posts:
BlaueLagune · 08/01/2020 18:30

Hoping for absolutely no grandchildren ever

Same here!

BackforGood · 08/01/2020 18:42

Of course, ultimately the right answer is that I want them to be happy in whatever life they choose
However I'd be a bit surprised if none of them want the same life they have been brought up in. I am (and 3 out of their 4 Aunts / uncles are) living in happy family units where we are married to our long term partners, with dc, and I would be surprised if none of them want to replicate that for themselves. ( Our other sibling and his partner aren't together, but do have dc.)

Yes, I'm looking forward to having grandchildren one day. I would be fine if one of my dc chooses not to have dc or doesn't meet the partner they feel they want to marry, as long as that is a deliberate choice - I would be sad for them if that wasn't what they wanted. I think it would be statistically unlikely and somewhat odd if none of my dc wanted to replicate their happy family upbringing.

thecatsthecats · 08/01/2020 18:43

I recently twigged that as an introvert, I'm actively hoping for a small family overall, not just number of my own kids.

Twins run in the family, so I have a stronger chance of two. Then plus two partners, two kids per set... Suddenly a family gathering is ten people!

Not for me Grin I'll wish for one...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

EnjoyyourBrexit · 08/01/2020 18:47

No, I am absolutely not bothered if they decide they don't want children or to get married. I've told both of my girls this, I don't care as long as they are happy and settled. My eldest even thanked me for saying it, which I was a bit surprised by.

EnjoyyourBrexit · 08/01/2020 18:54

I also do the school run and I talk to and see plenty of resentful grandparents (not all, obvs) doing childcare of young children and honestly, I would dread being put in that position myself.

CathyorClaire · 08/01/2020 18:55

Hoping for absolutely no grandchildren ever

Same here!

Ditto. Two adult dc at home still and I feel as though I've gone from being responsible for kids straight to being PA and cheerleader to widowed, frail DM with no break. I'm exhausted. I don't want any more neediness or family responsibility in my life.

EnjoyyourBrexit · 08/01/2020 18:59

I think my husband might be a bit sad at the thought of no grandkids, but then he's not done the bulk of childcare obey the years, so that would be coming from a different place and experience.

EnjoyyourBrexit · 08/01/2020 18:59

*over the years

Morgan12 · 08/01/2020 18:59

Yes I'd be disappointed to not have grandchildren. But if that's what my two boys choose then so be it. Obviously their happiness is paramount but I can't lie, I would actually be devastated.

Madreb · 08/01/2020 19:00

I would be sad for me, but not for them if it was their choice. I love the idea of big family but if my children chose not to then id understand.

mbosnz · 08/01/2020 19:03

One is a lesbian, who is adamant she doesn't want children.

T'other one is bi-sexual, who is ridiculously clucky already.

I think the odds in my case are. . .interesting! (I must confess I can be found in the Ted Baker baby section a little more too often than be explained away by my appalling sense of direction.)

ElphiasDoge · 08/01/2020 19:04

We found out when DS was 2 days old that he is almost certainly infertile and with a reduced life expectancy and I admit it did cross my mind to be sad we might not have grandchildren but I suppose that was in the context of mourning for a lot of things that weren’t going to be quite as expected.

He may be able to have kids with surgical sperm removal and IVF and drugs are getting better and better so he may live longer. I’m sad for him that he’ll be going into any relationship knowing these two things and that his options might be less than other people.

We’ve talked about having another child and we did discuss that another child might be more likely to have children. We know it’s not a guarantee or a reason to have another and of course we just want them to be happy but I’d be lying if I said we hadn’t thought about it.

Roselilly36 · 08/01/2020 19:04

Their lives to live as they chose.

mumme111 · 08/01/2020 19:31

My son is 11 and says he never ever wants kids and I'm happy with that as long as he's happy and truthful with potential partners when he's older then it's not a problem x

simonisnotme · 08/01/2020 19:33

my DS is adamant he and his GF dont want kids, my DD im not sure about I think she does but has had a few problems with endometriosis or something similar so it may not happen, but either way Im not fussed its their choice whatever they do I am irrelevant in that department

scaryteacher · 08/01/2020 19:37

I would be sad in that ds is an only (was advised not to have a second), and I would want him to have someone to love him when dh and I are dead, and to give him support.

icannotremember · 08/01/2020 19:38

No.

AgnesNaismith · 08/01/2020 19:40

No way.....I frequently tell my children they don’t have to have children or get married.

HepzibahGreen · 08/01/2020 19:44

I don't think saying you would be sad if you didn't have grandchildren is the same thing as demanding your children lives their lives as you dictate Grin It's making me laugh all those saying "certainly NOT its not my decision" -well yeah but you can have feelings about it.

I would be a bit sad if I didn't get grandchildren one day I think. I would want to be an involved Nana as much as possible too, as long as I wasn't cast in the hateful MIL role!

Karwomannghia · 08/01/2020 19:49

Obviously it would be up to them and as long as they’re happy that’s all that matters but yes I would like to be a grandmother one day and be able to help my adult children and have a big family.

veinticinco · 08/01/2020 19:59

I'll be happy as long as they are. My mum talks incessantly about wanting to be a grandmother and wanting me to get married and become a SAHM (if anything, we'd prefer if DP becomes a SAHD if/when the time comes) that I don't really visit her anymore.

mbosnz · 08/01/2020 20:00

To do my mother justice, she never asked, never hinted, nothing, about whether we were having children, or when. Not for any one of us.

kenandbarbie · 08/01/2020 20:13

I'd be sad if none of them wanted to get married and have children. But the odds are one of them will. Hopefully one will live with me forever! I would love them all to stay close by and have loving happy families that I can be a part of. I love them, why wouldn't I want more of that?

saraclara · 08/01/2020 20:13

I didn't have any opinions or needs of my own about my daughters' futures. I just wanted them to be fulfilled and happy. So if they wanted to be married/in a permanent relationship, that's what I wanted for them. If they wanted babies, that's what I wanted for them. Same for being single/childfree.

I've never been clucky about being a grandmother, but have recently become one. It's amazing to see my daughter become a parent, and fascinating to watch my baby grandaughter change with every day. But I don't (yet?) have that obsessive love that I had for my daughter and that some grandparents have from the off. So I doubt I'd have been distraught if I'd never become a grandparent.

Zoidbergonthehalfshell · 08/01/2020 20:15

I want my DCs to be happy. What that happiness looks like is up to them.

This! With knobs on.

Anyway, I have granddogs. I'm probably happier with them than with grandkids, tbh... Grin