Dd won't go to school

[moglovesmincepies]

What do you do with a year 10 school refuser?
I can't drag her out of bed she gets violent.
Has mental health problems but not formally diagnosed as she won't go to the GP with me.
Last term I had to bribe her with money for a full week.
Is just point blank ignoring me.
This has been going on for about a year. She maybe makes one full week a month.
I'm exhausted.has anyone any suggestions please? School aren't much help.

What does she do if she doesnt go to school?

Have you tried having an open conversation and asking why she won't go? What's she said?

Is she being bullied?

She stays in her bed.
Occasionally she does her homework and tidies her room.
At the moment she won't answer me so conversation is pointless.
I'm not shouting as that just makes her worse.
She doesn't like school. But has moved sets so that the work is easier (she was top of her school in primary).
I keep saying she's done much more school than she has to go and just look at her goal-specific course at college and just get what she needs to do that.
I'm not pressuring her to do well just want her to go in.

@Gwilt160981 no definitely not.
She says she doesn't have many friends but she has
She doesn't make the effort when out of school to contact anyone

Have you considered homeschool? Person I knew used to have live streamed lessons and online gateways for schoolwork

Has mental health problems but not formally diagnosed as she won't go to the GP with me.

Are you a psychiatrist then OP?

If not, how do you know your child has mental health problems?

The last 2 years have been horrific.
She was groomed and raped.
Hence the mental health.
I have supported her through everything even though she has been horribly behaved towards me and I have no fight left for her.
Her Vs worker says to make it clear I'll be fined but she doesn't care.
I know this is her mental state but how do I get her help when she won't.
It's breaking my family apart

@Devereux1 self harm isn't a mental health problem then?

How are the school helping? Does she have contact with your LA inclusion officer? How is she doing academically?

If your not getting support via the above I would kick that off, your school will have a attendance policy and if they dont follow it, you should complain ultimately if they dont support you getting her in.

I have been there but ds is in his final year and now goes in more due to wanting to sit his gcses.

If she has any possible SEN or is behind then applying for a ehcp assessment is also a good idea. It got my son a EP assessment within a few months. I was told by school he would never see a EP but by appealing to get him assessed I bypassed the school. In fact before I appealed I got hold of the LA ep directly.

It really sucks OP. At this age it's almost impossible to get them in. You cant force them as they can get SS involved ( my ds did but he didnt know that school would disclose his dad shouting at him to SS, embellished the methods dad used to get him in so we was investigated. Not great)

There is no easy answer but school has to help you. You need them on the same page as you, not least because if your not proactive seeking help you will then be threatened with fines

@slipperywhensparticus I have to work. So can't supervise.
I worry that if I did that she wouldn't have any social interaction

I’d take the WiFi away so she can’t just sit enjoying herself instead of going to school.

moglovesmincepies
@Devereux1 self harm isn't a mental health problem then?

I don't understand your question. When did I say self harm isn't a mental health problem?

lego I have investigated ADD but the school nurse said there wasn't enough to do a referral.
I will email her year head and see what he says he knows everything and she trusts him.

@Devereux1 I'm not looking for an argument.

@Peoplearemiserable yep already done

@Devereux1 I'm not looking for an argument.

Neither am I. Good grief. I'm out of here.

Have a look at the websiteNot fine in school. They also have a brilliant facebook group with over 10000 members who are experiencing school refusal.
It is usually cause by anxiety, mental health or undiagnosed SEN/unmet needs.
The website and group have lots of resources to help you access the right support for your daughter.
I would also look at theraputic parenting to help your daughter get through her trauma.

notfineinschool.org.uk/

www.facebook.com/groups/NFISFamilySupport/
The link to the Facebook group

Think I just needed to write it all down.
Hardly anyone knows about it all and it's hard work carrying on sometimes.
We have had more good days than bad over the holidays and it was just a kick in the teeth this morning. I can't vent at her as she stonewalls me.
Dh gets mad and says I'm not doing enough but shouting does nothing plus it upsets ds.
Her dad is as much use as a chocolate teapot.

Are you a psychiatrist then OP?

If not, how do you know your child has mental health problems?

Oh come on, I think a parent can have an inkling of their child's mental health without a psychiatrist

She was groomed and raped, was that connected to school/in school? Are you
Pressing charges, do you know who did it? Is he/she still out there? and she’s scared.

Feel like all of the above wouldn’t make me fancy school tbh! No wonder she’s depressed and struggling. What a horrific thing to happen to her!

A slightly different situation as my brother was 16 and legally allowed to leave school. But he left 4th year and had no job/college place/apprenticeship to go to. He used to lie around all day, playing his playstation and watching TV, eating all the food and doing nothing productive. My mum gave him an ultimatum. 8 weeks to find a job and start contributing, find an apprenticeship or get on a college course. Otherwise he could leave the house and stand on his own 2 feet. It worked. He got onto a January start college course and stuck at it.

Maybe she needs a sharp shock. No more handouts ie pocket money to go out with friends. No wifi. If the phone is on a contract, stop it (if it still has time to run, maybe see if you can temporarily block it with the service provider). You need to take actual action. She'll scream and shout and fight back against it but you need to keep strong. As for the getting violent with you. Not on. You need to call the police next time this happens. Don't worry about the consequences, the consequences of the path she is currently walking down seem a lot worse.

@Foobydoo thank you very much for that.

You tell us that in the last two years your daughter has been groomed and raped. What support has she had since this happened? I would suggest that the problem you have is far more than her refusal to attend school. If you can tell us more fully about her situation then someone may be able to advise.