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Original poster

Dd won't go to school

116 replies

moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 08:56

What do you do with a year 10 school refuser?
I can't drag her out of bed she gets violent.
Has mental health problems but not formally diagnosed as she won't go to the GP with me.
Last term I had to bribe her with money for a full week.
Is just point blank ignoring me.
This has been going on for about a year. She maybe makes one full week a month.
I'm exhausted.has anyone any suggestions please? School aren't much help.

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 06/01/2020 12:16

@Devereux1

Fucking hell...

What is it with you today, Questioning parents on their children's mental health.

If you haven't got anything helpful / nice to say, Toddle off to AIBU !

Spartonian · 06/01/2020 12:22

I think you need to push for a home visit from your GP and/or CAMHS

Agree

Original poster
moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 12:28

Have spoken to school
They've put something in place for her to try tomorrow
Will speak to docs on my next day off.
Time to be with ds now.

OP posts:

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TeenPlusTwenties · 06/01/2020 12:29

I really can't help on the mental health stuff.

But regarding school/education:

How willing is she to do schoolwork if not in school? You said she did well in primary, so has she got the ability to self teach herself at all?

If you load her up with the relevant CGP books (guides and workbooks) and get her online access to Seneca or Tassomai, would she be willing and capable to do learning whilst at home? With Seneca you can see progress, and hours spent on it.

Would an alternate provision like a PRU have better onsite counselling or anything? And be far fewer pupils so less pressure?

Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 12:32

I'd just let her get dressed in her own time (uniform or not) and take her in.

How exactly would you do that with a resistant 15 year old, @Dandelion1993? Brute force?

Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 12:34

Calmly explain to her that if she doesn’t go to school and doesn’t take her studies further she will be a loser with no job and the moment she is officially a grown up you simply won’t support her anymore. She needs a wake up call.

This sort of dangerous, massively ill-informed advice is why it may be better to get this thread moved to the SN section.

Original poster
moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 12:40

teen she has no motivation to do work when like this and it would further isolate her.
The local PRU is horrific. No way is she going there.

OP posts:
EverardDigby · 06/01/2020 12:58

Poor traumatised kid, and you for having to manage it, it's so difficult. I agree with the posters emphasising the need for support around mental health and trauma, and I wonder whether there are any charities around you that provide support for kids who've experienced trauma. You could start with rape crisis or other sexual violence charities but there may be a women's centre or others working with young people. If she can find a key worker who will support her and be on her side that might help her to process what's happened and to feel in a place to make positive choices for her future. There will be other opportunities to catch up with her education if she's not stable enough at the moment.

BarbedBloom · 06/01/2020 15:03

I was sexually assaulted at 13, but then difference was I didn't tell anyone. I was so angry at everyone and the world, but I also couldn't think about what happened as I would want to die. I stopped showering as that way no one would find me attractive and I spent all my time in bed as i felt safe. I felt like I couldn't relate to people at school, they all seemed so happy and didn't understand, so I stopped going to school. I ended up transferring to college in the end, which was much better.

I think she clearly does need help, as you know. Maybe a home visit from the doctor and your partner needs to stop shouting about it all. It is a very difficult thing to deal with and as someone else said, she may have PTSD - I did. Something that really helped me eventually was victim support groups as I could talk about how I felt with people who understood, whereas I couldn't be honest with my family or friends as they were too close to it all. The worse part is the blaming yourself, it makes you feel like you don't deserve love and even at 38, still affects me.

Legoandloldolls · 06/01/2020 15:27

Sounds like good first steps today. No it wont be like this forever, but getting to where you need to be will be worth the work your putting in place now. Just dont give up hope

Original poster
moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 18:37

Well she's up and has packed her bag for tomorrow.
She's going into "isolation" tomorrow but not as a bad kid just to see if that helps. I've said if she changed her mind and just wants to go into lessons in the morning that's fine I can square it with the teacher as I'm dropping her off.
Counselling is a no. She won't. Her ISVA is going to see her next week and see if she can persuade her.
Currently getting ready for guides happy as Larry.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 06/01/2020 18:40

Good.

TeenPlusTwenties · 06/01/2020 18:47

This may be a ridiculous suggestion, but just in case.
(It was the guides comment.)

Would moving to a single sex school help in any way (if you even have one nearby)? She might feel 'safer' there?

Original poster
moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 20:09

teen not ridiculous at all!
There isn't a state school nearby though unfortunately and we cannot afford private even with a bursary (looked into it when she was at primary).

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 06/01/2020 20:44

That's a shame.
Getting her in the door to the isolation area sounds like a good start. Can she turn up early/late to avoid the crowds?
Then maybe back to favourite lessons with rest of time in isolation, and go gradually?
Better at school and in a couple of subjects than not in at all.

Ledkr · 06/01/2020 20:53

Would she go to college instead? You can go on an early college placement. My dd is in her 3rd year of a BTEC in performing arts and starts uni this year. She left school in year 10 after being bullied.

Original poster
moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 21:15

teen she can't go late as I take her and have to get to work.
I share the journey with 2 other parents so she isn't alone and one lad is a close friend so she has company. He's in some lessons with her too.
She has to get the bus home 2/3 days a week but can wait at school for me to get her if needs be. I can't get there on time when I'm working.
Hopefully tomorrow will be positive.
We've had a chat about it in the car and there's only art tomorrow that will be an issue. That's her favourite subject but the teacher is a complete personality clash and there isn't a different class she can go in. I think that's a lot of the stress.

OP posts:
Original poster
moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 21:17

@Ledkr I'm sorry to hear she was bullied Flowers and am glad she's doing well
She will go to college after GCSEs definitely wants to dye her hair blue but I will keep that in mind thanks.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 06/01/2020 22:26

Op I meant if she continues to refuse to go.
They can do GCSEs there too.
Just thought it was an option.

Original poster
moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 22:41

Sorry yes I got you just my clumsy reply.

OP posts:
SapatSea · 06/01/2020 22:56

The school should be going above and beyond for your daughter given what has happened. I'm glad you are going to speak to them.

There are many things the school could do to try to help and
they should develop an action plan for your daughter. Ideas could be things such as a "yellow card" which she just holds up and can leave the room without explanation to a teacher if it becomes too much or an arrangement that she can do this no questions asked. She could have a modified timetable where she just goes in for certain lessons or even just comes in to go to the "quiet room" or library to work on things not the "isoation" room. Does the school have an arrangement with the local college for year 10's to go there part time for vocational courses if she would prefer that. What are your dd's trigger areas? does she dislike break and lunch and if so is there somewhere quiet she could eat her lunch in a "safe" room? Could she join in with a different art group and even do extra art if she finds that therapeutic? Perhaps they could offer online learning packages to use in the library or a supervised/base room if your DD can't face class all the time or let you access them at home if she doesn't make it into school and keep her on their roll.

If you agree to deregister your DD and homeschool which the school may suggest to wash their hands of you, you will likely not get any LA support. So don't agree to it even if you need to home educate in the end. You need to argue to get help and funding in place so that if your DD does continue to spend most of her time at home the LA or school is on the hook to provide tutoring or online learning such as interhigh.

Original poster
moglovesmincepies · 07/01/2020 08:57

Well she's gone in today.
She was up and dressed before me.

OP posts:
Original poster
moglovesmincepies · 07/01/2020 08:58

I don't think it's the classes as sick as when she's in she's come home oh this was funny that was funny etc it's just the getting her there that is the issue

OP posts:
flamingo40 · 07/01/2020 09:05

That's great that she's gone in.
I have been there. My son had mental health issues and became a refuser in year 11 after a teacher ridiculed him in front of his class.
I won't lie it was hell. He didn't leave his room or the house for months.
We had an amazing school
Support worker who helped him and me.
He never did go back in to full school but with her help managed the odd hour and afternoon on school.
She arranged him to sit his GCSEs alone.
This was I might add after a huge long winded battle with school, education welfare and agencies.
He did have cbt with Camhs who were amazing.
He is now in the outside world. He's at college and is flying. He's a course rep for all of his subjects and had just got an unconditional offer for uni.
I just wanted to pop on to tell you that I understand and In those moments where you think it won't get better give you hope

Dowser · 07/01/2020 09:10

I don’t know what year ten is but my 9 year old Grandson wouldn’t go to school.
His parents worked with the school and he’s now in his third school since about June.
The second one was brilliant for about a month.
He started the third one about November.
I never thought Changing school would make a difference but it appears to
Let’s hope
Maybe that might be an option for your Dd