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Dd won't go to school

116 replies

moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 08:56

What do you do with a year 10 school refuser?
I can't drag her out of bed she gets violent.
Has mental health problems but not formally diagnosed as she won't go to the GP with me.
Last term I had to bribe her with money for a full week.
Is just point blank ignoring me.
This has been going on for about a year. She maybe makes one full week a month.
I'm exhausted.has anyone any suggestions please? School aren't much help.

OP posts:
Kalifa · 06/01/2020 10:02

Calmly explain to her that if she doesn’t go to school and doesn’t take her studies further she will be a loser with no job and the moment she is officially a grown up you simply won’t support her anymore. She needs a wake up call.

moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 10:06

She's been in the shower so we are getting somewhere. The broadband is not going back on though won't do ds any harm either

OP posts:
Soffy · 06/01/2020 10:14

You need to put a request in for an ehc needs assessment which you can do yourself. Has your daughter been referred to CAMHs for an assessment ? You may be able to self refer. Is she still enrolled at the school?

Interested in this thread?

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Soffy · 06/01/2020 10:22

Take a look at this www.ipsea.org.uk/ehc-needs-assessments

rm1234 · 06/01/2020 10:27

Similar situation with our niece. The only way her mum got around it was spending every minute she could with her. She took a leave of absence with work and just stayed with her and talked to her all the time. She was really positive, didn't ever make her feel bad. She drummed it into her head that she was a victim and she didn't deserve her life to be turned upside down because of what happened. She literally broke her with kindness to the point I think she wanted to get our the bloody house and back to school. Really odd method but it worked. Niece doing well now, although drinks a lot at the weekends with her pals...

rm1234 · 06/01/2020 10:28

PS - school and SS were absolutely zero help at all.

moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 10:30

soffy yes she's enrolled
Last time I went in school referred to school nurse for add referral then school nurse said she didn't meet the criteria.
I can't self refer for an ehc without a formal diagnosis can I?
I can't get her to go to any appointments. She's too scared of what they will say.
Her dad has told her he thinks she's bi polar same as him. But he's not willing to help sort anything out.

OP posts:
moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 10:32

And she's back in bed Hmm

OP posts:
moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 10:34

@rm1234 wow that's different but I'm glad it worked.
I think a lot of teens drink loads unfortunately. I certainly did and hardly ever touch it now. although one would go down rather well at the moment

OP posts:
Soffy · 06/01/2020 10:45

Yes you can request a needs assessment without a diagnosis. The legal threshold for an assessment to be carried out is actually quite low. Please look at the link o sent you when you have a moment as it explains it well.

Your daughter needs to access education and her mental health is preventing that. She needs a full assessment carried out to determine what's going on. She has a right to that so dont be put off by people telling you she needs assessments, diagnosis or to be in school. None of that is true.

totallyradllama · 06/01/2020 10:46

Think talking to pastoral care at school is needed. Can they're her do a reduced timetable? At least temporarily? Maybe to do some lessons then go home before lunch break?

Maybe she could do with more counselling/therapy but too scared/wanting to forget about it all but can't. Some teens find school counsellor on home turf less threatening but some do better with a therapy space away from day to day life. Would need to discuss with GP what's available locally

FearOfTheDuck · 06/01/2020 10:51

Calmly explain to her that if she doesn’t go to school and doesn’t take her studies further she will be a loser with no job and the moment she is officially a grown up you simply won’t support her anymore. She needs a wake up call.

My parents did this when I was refusing to go to school due to severe depression and anxiety. I was convinced that if I didn't go to school I'd never get a job and would end up homeless. I was still too anxious to attend school, but the threat of such a bleak future pushed me from just feeling hopeless into feeling passively suicidal and hoping I'd die before I got old enough for them to kick me out.

OP, your daughter's mental health is much, much more important than her education right now. You've said that you can't homeschool, but could she do some form of online schooling or self-study? You need to take the pressure off. It honestly doesn't matter if she gets qualifications at a later age than other young people. Look at it this way - if she were an employee, she'd be signed off sick and the focus would be on her getting better before she returned to work. The attendance-at-all-costs mentality of schooling harms children with MH issues.

(I was 19 before I got a full-time job. Fortunately, my parents became more understanding and supportive over the years. I was about 24 before I stopped hating myself. I'm now happy and have two Masters' degrees. I don't wish I'd attended school more. I wish that I hadn't been treated so badly for refusing to attend school, and that someone had taken my feelings seriously rather than taking it for 'bad behaviour' and trying to force me back into the classroom).

Your daughter is scared of what a GP might say - what does she think is the worst that will happen? She might have some misconceptions from somewhere. I know that at that age I was reluctant to talk to professionals because my mother told me they'd 'put me in a mental hospital' (her words) if I was honest with them - terrifying to someone afraid to leave the safety of her house!

moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 10:57

@totallyradllama I will email school when I've sorted ds and have a few mins peace Grin
At the moment I'm saying she's ill as terrified of fines but I need to not be doing that.
Last time I said she wouldn't go I got a gob full off the attendance person.

OP posts:
moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 10:58

soffy thank you I will definitely read it thoroughly

OP posts:
totallyradllama · 06/01/2020 11:03

Feelings of shame (eg after grooming) can lead to wanting to hide away.

Sometimes people feel a sense of self-blame on an emotional level even though they may "know rationally" that it wasn't their fault. Bit like when people have been scammed. A good therapist/counsellor could help with that if she would consent to see one.

umberellaonesie · 06/01/2020 11:10

Are the school aware of the abuse?

PaulGalico · 06/01/2020 11:11

This morning I think it is important to concentrate on your daughter. You explained that she has eaten and showered. I also would make an appointment with the GP for yourself and ask for some help with regard to your daughter. In addition ring to make an appointment with school and ask for help from then. You need to engage with the support services. You have now had a much needed vent on the internet - now it is time to get some professional help.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/01/2020 11:22

Calmly explain to her that if she doesn’t go to school and doesn’t take her studies further she will be a loser with no job and the moment she is officially a grown up you simply won’t support her anymore. She needs a wake up call.

Do not do this! This could drive a traumatised person to suicidal thoughts. She needs the exact opposite. To know you love and support her and that school can wait. No one is destined to be a no job loser in life because they finished GCSEs at age 17 instead of 16.

averythinline · 06/01/2020 11:23

Is the gp signing her off then if you are saying she is sick??
you can certainly can self refer for an EHCP - you dont need a diagnosis but there were usually need for some services to be involved....

not sure what the school nurse has to do with an ADD diagnosis - she is not qualified to make that comment .....and should be struck off if she did.. I think you need to start getting things in writing....
the path for an add diagnosis for a young person is gp/professional/parent-refer- CAMHS /psychaitrist....

you need to push for the support in your area it sounds.... stop covering up stuff - dont take the mouthful from the attendance officer ask what help they can give- the VS should be getting her proper MH support... esp as she is talking to them...
do you have early help service in your area - maybe on your council website

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/01/2020 11:25

FearoftheDuck..
Really good advice. Especially saying it is like being signed off work for MH. It’s the same for children. We should not expect more of them than we do of adults!

scotscubagirl · 06/01/2020 11:29

As someone who has gone through something similar to your daughter (although it started when I was 13), I can understand her behaviour.

Your daughter is having trouble processing what happened and trying to make sense of it. I was in denial for a long time about what happened. Only in the past couple of years o have realised that it was abuse and was wrong.

I have PTSD and it is an ongoing battle. But what really helped me was counselling (CBT) and, for a short while, going on Sertraline.

While the abuse was happening, I was a very angry person. The only thing that kept me sane was my music.

Your daughter does need to see a professional. But it is such a hard step. I would try to have a conversation around what she is scared they are going to say. Speak to your GP on your own about your daughter or contact an organisation like MIND. Ask for advice and what would likely happen if your daughter went to have an appointment. Talk this through with your daughter.

Part of PTSD is withdrawal. When I had a relapse last year, I could not go into work. There were only a couple of places I felt safe going to and only a few people I felt safe with. I could not be around large groups of people. It scared me so much. I had irrational thoughts about what could happen to me. My guess is your daughter doesn't feel safe going to school - but may not realise this.

With the counselling we talked through how I reacted to various situations - and it was fascinating and such a relief to work out why I reacted various ways. We figured out the emotions I was actually experiencing. And only then, I could change my behaviour.

It's taken a lot of work, but I am a totally different person.

Unfortunately, it will be hard until your daughter is ready to take the first step to get help. You can't force her. That only makes it worse. So patience is required.

I hope this helps.

Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 11:41

I think you need to push for a home visit from your GP and/or CAMHS. Once you have confirmation from them that your daughter is medically unable to attend school, you can push for home tuition or something similar, and also consider asking for an EHC Plan with a view to getting her into more specialist supportive provision.

Soffy · 06/01/2020 12:06

This one is better www.ipsea.org.uk/school-refusal

moglovesmincepies · 06/01/2020 12:10

Thanks for all the advice.
I have messaged school asking for support and will contact the GP too.
To
The op who asked why the school nurse-that's the procedure in this area now apparently. That came from the paediatrician at the surgery.
Getting upset again now so am going to go do something nice with my son on his last day off. He's cross and angry as his sister doesn't want to watch a film with him (he's only 7).
I just fear that this is to e our lives for ever and a day if she won't take that first step and accept help.

OP posts: