Dd won't go to school

[moglovesmincepies]

What do you do with a year 10 school refuser?
I can't drag her out of bed she gets violent.
Has mental health problems but not formally diagnosed as she won't go to the GP with me.
Last term I had to bribe her with money for a full week.
Is just point blank ignoring me.
This has been going on for about a year. She maybe makes one full week a month.
I'm exhausted.has anyone any suggestions please? School aren't much help.

I’d be violent and scarred if I was raped! Do not call the police on her!

Who old was she when it happened? If she’s in year 10 and it was two years ago? Wtf. Where were you when she was 12/13?!

Not connected to school.
She didn't disclose it for over a year-always said he didn't.
We did press charges when she told me but its been dropped due to lack of evidence.
She is pleased about that as she wants to move on with her life she said.

@Devereux1 the OP was answering why she believes her DD has mental health problems - I would say she’s pretty spot on given her explanation wouldn’t you? There’s absolutely no need to be rude to the OP so maybe keep the sarky comments to yourself if you have nothing helpful to say.

Devereux

Same way you know your child has a chest infection without qualifying as a Consultant in respiratory medicine 🙄

You need professional help OP. My DD started refusing school in yr 11, (would not get out of bed etc) but she did agree to go to the doctor and CAMHS (helpful in some ways) and had private therapy.
If she was groomed and raped, it's no wonder she has MH problems. I think PP have glossed over this. Your poor DD - what a vile thing to have happened to her. Please talk to the doctor yourself and CAMHS and get their advice. In the meantime talk to school and tell them what's happening. Maybe get them to send some work home?
Good luck Op and keep us posted.

OP ask the HOY about seeing a Educational psychologist. I know school try to refuse but they might be able to unpick some of dd issues.

Has dd seen camhs? I know they are beyond shit in my county but they might be able to help where you are.

School could do so much like a reduced timetable or providing a safe retreat for breaks, get out of class passes if she goes in but needs to escape a lesson. Going in later, finishing early.

So sorry to hear about the grooming. In the ideal world she would be under camhs and seeing a professional mental health team. In reality if money is no object the paying to see a private councillor is possible to best realistic option but that isn't cheap. State is extremely bad at children's mental health.

Why do you suspect ADD? School nurse possibly knows very little about it. My other sons dyspraxia was poo poo'd but his school dispite his NHS diagnosis. Again schools arent to good with identification of SEN either. It's all just extra costs in their eyes

Thanks.
This is why I can't talk in real life to anyone.
I was there.
I am her mum.
I was horrified.
She lied to my face for months about who she was with and how old they were.
I will never ever forgive myself.
We have had full social services investigations who have no concerns.
I am now extra cautious which she fights back over.
I don't trust a word she says ever even though I know it was not her fault.
Its not easy living like this.

It’s one thing wanting to move on and another thing actually moving on. I’d suggest therapy, home schooling for a period of time. Actually waiting until she is over it all and can start afresh. That way you’re not getting fined. She can finish and take GCSEs. Then start a college fresh and meeting new people. Perhaps take a levels and go to uni ect. She needs out of school now.

He may not have been connected but, she’d have reminders of him at school. Where she thought about him, told friends ect if he was grooming.
Might have doddled his name on books ect.

She needs help and support and not forced into anything. She’ll be an adult soon, and able to literally make nothing of her life. If you force and push her away who knows what will happen. She’s had more trauma than some people have had their whole lives.

She won’t have disclosed many details to you, so you won’t know what truely happened.

Please look out for her and home school, but encourage a hobby so she can make new friends and build social skills.

There is also A2E - access to education which is state run out of school education. Maybe not ideal in year 10 but it's another option.

Having re-read some of your posts OP - PLEASE don't shout at her.
She needs someone on her side.
You can tell her how frustrated you feel and why; she may not reply. but she'll take it on board. It all sounds so terribly familiar to me OP. Depression is a very selfish illness.

Homeschooling is not an option.
I already work the bare minimum to be around before and after school.
We would lose the house if I stopped.

@supersop60 I don't shout. No point. Just get sworn at. I know she's ill and that it's not her but by god I want to shake her sometimes.

Have you had any counselling OP to help you come to terms with what happened? You've all had a lot to cope with
I don't have any advice about school. I think MH support, counselling, coping strategies for the trauma and the failed case, etc, may be the better starting point.

lego she told me she thinks she has add. I need to read up on it a lot more and see if I can present a case to them.

Why are you keeping this all in... I cant believe her attendance is that low and the school havent done anything ??..
where is her support....? thats horrific what has happened to her ... she needs to be having proper therapy/counselling as do you all probably...
maybe if she wont go to the gp you need to go and get yourself referred so you have someone to talk to you shouldnt shoulder this all yourself and also family therapy ....as this will as you recognise impact you all ...do you have other DC?

your dh can just f off for just shouting at you /her - what is he doing to help ?? and support her - I would suggest you model some boundaries and tell him he eitehr helps the situation or goes as it is not good for her ....
will your go not do a hime visit? if not in most areas you can self refer to camhs and just keep on at them - with her trauma she shoudl be getting professional support.... they will also home visit...

if school refer to Education welfare officers- they can be good at getting other services to up their game.....

@KatyCarrCan thanks no I haven't. At the moment just concentrating on dd.
I just feel so very alone in all this and I bet she does too but I can't reach her
Crying in the kitchen. First time I've cried about it all. Told ds I trapped my hand in a drawer bless him

@averythinline she did have counselling at school who she told about the self harm. I got a phone call to drop everything and get her to the gp that day. Managed to get the appointment but she got violent as too scared to go.
She will lose her vs worker soon as the case is over.
I can't help her if she doesn't let me. But I will keep trying.

I was very much like your DD, barely went in yr 10& 11- started off as a mix of depression and just not wanting to be there- on the occasion I did go in I felt very out of place as I was out of the loop on social circles. Yes I had friends in school (most of my friends were from outside of school) but after so long of not attending they became more like acquaintances than actual friends, I felt like an outsider. You say she has friends there but are these friends she sees much outside of school? Is she feeling lonely when she's there?

Gosh she sounds just like my daughter. Sexually abused by a neighbour for 2 years before she told me. I had no idea. It was happening while she was out playing nearby. The case was dropped for lack of evidence. Refused to go to school. We eventually got a home tutor provided by the school a few hours a week and she did the work at home. You need to get in touch with the school and see what they can offer and also get some help for her re the abuse. My daughter now has severe mental health problems OCD and can’t cope with life. She didn’t have help and counselling at the time. This should be your first priority

I'd just let her get dressed in her own time (uniform or not) and take her in.

@APeakyBlinder she sees one of them out of school regularly and her best lad friend lives near and is often in and out.
That is my school worry. That she won't fit in if she doesn't go.

@Dodie66 I'm so sorry.

I don't know anything about this organisation but they seem to have support for parents and carers.
Safe and Sound
It might be worth contacting them. I know you're desperate to help your DD but you need to help yourself too.

I've just taken her some cereal.
She said sorry - not prompted
Have asked her to shower

That's good. Small steps. Will she let you hug her?