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Original poster

If your MIL lives with you

115 replies

Biscusting · 03/01/2020 14:03

I know, I know all the usual MIL rants that are prolific on here, but I have a reasonable relationship with mine. She can over step at times, a bit of behind the back complaining, but otherwise a nice person. (I am also not perfect).

She is very sadly recently widowed. She lives in a rural location not far from us. She doesn’t drive.

I don’t like the idea of her being on her own and she has mentioned moving. DH also worries about her.

We have a guest room with a private bathroom. Would it be crazy to ask her to move in with us?

Can someone think straight for me and suggest pitfalls to this plan?

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 03/01/2020 14:07

How would you feel about her always being in your living space?

Imho things like this can only really work if each family has their own kitchen and living room as well as bedroom and bathroom.

Would she even want this arrangement?

AlpacaGoodnight · 03/01/2020 14:11

Do you have children? It can be hard on them as they may be expected to change their behaviour e.g. noise levels, instrument practice, tv programme, meal/meal times etc to fit in with what she wants. It may work really well but it could go terribly wrong!

Sexnotgender · 03/01/2020 14:13

How old is she?
Will she need personal care?
Is there space to create her own living area?

roisinagusniamh · 03/01/2020 14:16

Think of the future before you offer.
Are you prepared to be her Carer if she gets ill (mentally or physically or both)?

mistermagpie · 03/01/2020 14:22

My husbands Aunt did this. All was fine but obviously the MIL got older and eventually developed dementia and now DH's aunt has become the de facto carer for her MIL. She doesn't begrudge it (much) but it really restricts her own life, she's had to take early retirement and can't often travel to see her own family (she lives abroad). She has taken on the responsibility because her husband is a higher earned and, well, she's a woman 🙄. He does have sibling by the way, but MIL lives with them so the situation has just evolved.

I would think carefully about this. Yes you get on well now, but that may very well change if you lived together and this is an incredibly difficult set up to terminate if you change your mind.

roisinagusniamh · 03/01/2020 14:25

Pop over to the 'Elderly parents' thread.
Some of those thread will help with your decision.

Rollonspringtime2020 · 03/01/2020 14:26

Have you ever discussed it with dh op?
One of the first chats me and dh had was in agreement that no relatives would ever live with us!!
Would your dh organise /help with her care if she needed any or would it fall to you?

Apolloanddaphne · 03/01/2020 14:29

Think through what you would expect in terms of extra cooking/cleaning/laundry etc. Then what time you all get up/ go to bed. Expectations around evenings when you might think want an early night or stay up late. with a bottle of wine and some music on. What about when you and the DC want friends round? What if you want a quiet day and she wants to chat all the time. Just try to imagine her in you space all the time. How does it make you feel? What if she ups the ante on the complaining or oversteps the mark with your DC constantly? Could you handle it? Would she take your DHs side in any arguments? So many things to consider!

Gooseysgirl · 03/01/2020 14:33

I love my DM and my MIL but there's no way they could live with us. We would drive them nuts and they would drive us nuts. However, they were both widowed years ago and have grown very used to having their own space and some peace and quiet from the wild grandkids. How about she comes and stays for a few weeks and see how it goes? She might enjoy the company but be glad if the option to go home again. Would she move to a retirement property near you?

theoriginalmadambee · 03/01/2020 14:35

Please read on the elderly parents board. It gets harder caring for parents the older they get.

Imo if you want to maintain a good relationship (and your sanity) by all means move your mil closer, but not into your home.

This sounds negative, but is the best way to keep everyone's independence and good relations.

averylongtimeago · 03/01/2020 14:39

How old is MiL? She could live another 20 years- develop dementia or some other life changing illness. Could you cope with her personal care, such as helping change incontenance pants?
Without her own living space she will always be in your space: dictating (all be it nicely) what you watch on the tv, what and when you eat, tidying your kitchen...

I say this as someone who has cared for my Mil - who had Parkinson's. I loved her dearly but it's very stressful and hard work.

Think very carefully- her moving in will completely change your life and be very hard to get out of f you hate it.

Perhaps look at her living nearby, in a more manageable home?

Have you asked what she wants?

NaomifromMilshake · 03/01/2020 14:42

Are quaite mad ?

BarbedBloom · 03/01/2020 14:42

We lived with my lovely MIL for a short while and almost split up over it. There was just always someone there. If we had an argument then she would hear it. If we wanted to have a drink and cuddle on the sofa, she would be there wanting to watch her programs. She went to bed early so we couldn't make any noise after about 9pm, which included having friends round. She always wanted to eat with us which meant always making things she would like which restricted our diets. Also her wanting things arranged a certain way in the kitchen which didn't work for me. Or her rehanging my washing etc. It is the little things that slowly grind you down, as well as the lack of privacy. Then as they get older more care is required. I couldn't do it and DH and I have agreed that we won't be having any of our parents here again.

In some circumstances it does work, but those are mostly where the parent has their own living room or space in general.

Lindy2 · 03/01/2020 14:43

I think if it was me I would see if MIL wanted to move closer to me and then see if there were any suitable properties nearby that she could move to.

You could then see how you all get on living in close proximity to each other without the actual step of her moving in with you.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 03/01/2020 15:09

I don't have a MIL but my DF died two years ago and DM went to pieces (understandably, they had been married for 66 years). DM had never lived alone - went straight from living with her parents to being married. My sister and I discussed this ... initially (and with her agreement) we alternated staying overnight with her for a month/six weeks. Then developed a "system". My sister telephones her every evening, briefly and I text her every morning.

We make sure that we see her at least twice a week each (sometimes we try to railroad our brother into it too).

We organise things to commemorate/celebrate significant dates, such as my father's 95th a few days ago.

Personally I think that for either of us to live with DM would be a massive disaster. She's very good at emotional blackmail and playing the helpless card. Everything we do is on DM's terms and she's made amazing progress in the last two years, considering she'd never paid a bill in her life (and she worked full time until retirement).

Could you have your MIL to stay for a couple of weeks to give her some time away? My DM is definitely happiest in her own home, so the thought of living with her would mean somebody moving. My sister and I have discussed boundaries quite a lot - she's better at them than I am.

Ultimately people are different of course, and what wouldn't work for one family might be perfect for another.

Mlou32 · 03/01/2020 15:15

I think the overstepping and behind the back complaining which you mention would be greatly magnified if she were to live with you. Think carefully. One she's there, that's it.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2020 15:15

I think you're insane to consider this. Her living with you will completely change the dynamic of your home. I

She can over step at times

Imagine how she'll be if your home is also her home. She will always be there, 27/7, you will never get a break from her. It's a recipe for disaster.

lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 03/01/2020 16:25

I think you are a lovely person to want to do this. Maybe start with weekends and see how you all cope with the situation and see if it's a good fit for all of you

SilverySurfer · 03/01/2020 16:36

What happens if/when MiL becomes incapable of caring for herself, either physically or mentally? Will your DH stop working to care for her? If you are a SAHM it will most likely fall to you since you will need your DH's income. Are you prepared to do personal things for her, bathe her, change nappy when her illness advances?

I would say no and depending on her age, would suggest she go into sheltered accommodation.

courderoy · 03/01/2020 16:37

We had similar circumstances, in the end we helped financially for MIL to move to a property near us (less than 10 minute walk). She was only 65 when widowed and the thought of living together for 20 plus years was too much. It is still a bit like having a semi-dependent (eg if a light bulb goes we get a phone call to go change it, we drive her to the supermarket) but it was definitely the best decision. MIL was a nervous of living alone as she had never done it but she is enjoying it and has made a lot of friends / got a good social life, if she had moved in with us I don’t think she would have become so independent and I honestly don’t think she would be enjoying life as much as she is.

If she has only recently become widowed everything is probably still very raw, we had MIL come to stay with us for extended visits while we made longer term plans.

Original poster
Biscusting · 03/01/2020 17:35

Thank you so much for the replies. I’m surprised so many are leaning towards the negative, but that’s realistic I guess.

So with regards to space, she wouldn't have her own kitchen, but could have her own lounge, although it wouldn’t be next to her room, if that matters.

I guess with the over stepping, this was more when our children were babies. She wanted to help more, but didn’t really get the dynamics of breastfeeding. The children are 4 and 7 now and love her immensely.

She’s young, mid-60s so I don’t see her as elderly. I guess we could have a trail period to see how it goes.

OP posts:
CruCru · 03/01/2020 17:38

It's a nice idea. Someone upthread mentioned having to be a carer at some point. Realistically, you may end up doing some caring even if she doesn't live with you, it will just be much less convenient.

cptartapp · 03/01/2020 17:43

I think you'd regret it massively long term. The dynamics and relationships of your nuclear family come first and this wouldn't be in all your best interests.
Presumably PIL chose to stay living rurally as they aged knowing MIL couldn't drive. What were her plans for when this inevitability happened?

saraclara · 03/01/2020 17:45

I'd only consider this if she had a self contained/own entrance, bathroom and kitchen extension.
I'm the same age as her, also widowed, and wouldn't consider living with my own kids unless I had the above. Sharing any facilities would be a no-no for me.
Actually I'm nowhere near ready to even live with my kids even with those provisos. I'd need to be at least ten years older and/or with more needs to see myself as a live-in old person.

Wouldn't it be better to find her (assuming she even wants to live with/near you) a small flat or house in the same locality as you?

AppleKatie · 03/01/2020 17:46

Mid sixties? She may live another 35 years - if she does she will need care as time goes on.

Do you want her to live with you once your young children have grown and left? Because by then she’ll be 80+ and much less able to start again or move again.

Tbh I think the healthiest thing for her to do at this point is see if she can develop a life for herself independently, with regular visits of course. Perhaps having her move in once the children have grown would be a more a sensible time frame/commitment.