If your MIL lives with you

[Biscusting]

I know, I know all the usual MIL rants that are prolific on here, but I have a reasonable relationship with mine. She can over step at times, a bit of behind the back complaining, but otherwise a nice person. (I am also not perfect).

She is very sadly recently widowed. She lives in a rural location not far from us. She doesn’t drive.

I don’t like the idea of her being on her own and she has mentioned moving. DH also worries about her.

We have a guest room with a private bathroom. Would it be crazy to ask her to move in with us?

Can someone think straight for me and suggest pitfalls to this plan?

Recommended not to do anything major in the first 12 months after a loss.
Best thing is to support her in her own home and help her find her new normal.
We had FIL here for 2 months after a medical crisis. He is 87.
I loved having him here, DH did not.
FIL very keen to return to his own home once medically fit.
My DM found a new male friend when she was 75. He was around for 10 years, so it can happen.

MIL may find a special friend as well.

She needs to learn to drive. Is there any reason she can't?

As a child I loved grandparents living with us, as an adult I can see how difficult it was for my parents especially DM how did all their care. That was with a separate lounge, kitchen and bathroom

My grandma lives with my dad and his second wife. By all accounts they all get along very well but they pooled money to buy a house where she has her own bedroom, bathroom, lounge and kitchen plus her own bit of hallway and is very close to the beck door so used that as he entrance etc. She is not one to wonder round all the time so it's more like two houses joined together by a doorway.

However she didn't move into until she was in her eighties - she's been there ten years and still capable of driving herself into the village to meet friends for coffee etc and is happy to take a bus or taxi for longer distances so I'd quite independent.

Agree a trial period is the worst option. There is just no practical way to go back from it.

I'm mid sixties. I realise for younger people it may seem old (I guess it did to me!) but really it isnt unkess there are underlying health issues. Many of us are still working and may have decent careers.

She might decide that she doesnt want to move away from her home, - maybe she could learn to drive!! Even if ahe does want to move then moving in with her hild and his family to somewhere where she just has a bedroom and maybe a sitting room is a big step, I'd see it as giving up my independence.

Personally I woud think helping her to move somewhere less isolated if she wants to but into her own accomodation - a smaller house or flat - would be a better option.

As she is recently widowed, the general advice is that she should not move at all for at least a year. People often make bad decisions when still grieving.
Otherwise, like most other posters, I would suggest at best, a small house or flat close to you (So you can visit frequently), but not move in with you.

My darling nanna moved in with us. It was hard as it felt like having an extra parent from age 7 into late teens. Parents worked and my little sister came come age 20 to find nan very poorly and she had diahoreah in the living room. And tried to clean it up age 97. Poor sister had to deal with cleaning up. I personally wouldn't do it. Children shouldn't be living with elderly 24/7.

My best friend did this when his fil died.
I can't put too many details on here as potentially outing, but the living situation has become hell.

His mil sold her house to enable her daughter and him, plus kids to move to a bigger property which could accommodate her also. She has her own bedroom and bathroom.

To cut a long story short, my friend has almost been forced from his own home. He no longer wants to be there as has been made to feel like an outsider. The marriage is at breaking point as his wife just sides with her mother.

There have been arguments about everything from mil using the heating all day whilst at home and not paying towards it, to him not being able to put his car in the garage due to mil using it for things for herself. Little things like he doesn't feel comfortable walking about in just a dressing gown or choosing what he wants on tv. And lots more little things that are happening on a daily basis. He stays at work now long after he should have finished and works extra overtime days to avoid being at home.

It has taken 5 years to get to this point. The mil is late 60s, fit and active. They all had a fantastic relationship before her husband died which had a bearing on the decision to move her in.

It was all done incredibly fast- not a good idea to make such life changing decisions whilst the grief is so raw still. This is a decision for 12 months time.

I would urge you to think really carefully about this and definitely err on the side of caution. Move her closer by all means. Please don't rush into anything as life changing as this.

Grief for a long standing partner is both awful and normal. Let her grieve. Don't try and fix it. As others have said don't do anything for a while. She may well feel l lonely, this would be normal. Shell find a different life if you let her

You sound like a lovely caring person.

But you also sound like you think it's up to you and your DH to make decisions for your MIL. She might not even want to live with you! She might want to stay put or have her own plans to move.

I think it's your role to be a sounding board and support, not to take over and tell her what to do - it comes from a good place but is incredibly patronising given that she is mid 60s and compos mentis

2 years later she went absolutely mad at her children for them allowing her to do that.

When DF died very suddenly, friends of my parents told DM to expect widowhood to take about two years to adjust to and as far as possible avoid making changes in that time. It was very good advice.

They also lived in a fairly isolated area and DM had largely stopped driving because they did most things together. She initially wanted to move, then she didn't and had a few ups and downs but ultimately stepped up teh driving again and built a new life and interests for herself and is now active and independent in her 80s. I sometimes wish she had moved into the centre of the village to soemwhere smaller a few years back but definitely not in the first years of widowhood.

I haven't got time to read the later posts as I'm off out. But I just want to say, as someone in your mum's position, that you're overreacting a tad. It's early days.

Grief for a spouse is shit. But it gets better. I wouldn't give up my independence for anyone. Yes, I'm sometimes lonely. But mostly not. I'm enjoying life again.

We can’t leave her there alone though, can we?

Of course you can. Be her support from where you are. Let her see how life works out over the next twelve months. If she find she needs to move, help her find somewhere.
It's lovely that you care about her, but don't smother her. She'll come to terms with this new stage of life over time. Be there for her, but absolutely don't push her into any major life decisions for at least twelve months. That's the widow hood rule of thumb (it might even be two years, I can't remember- but basically give it time before doing anything that can't easily be undone).

I thought she was much older than mid 60s as well. Mid 60s she could still be working (my mum is). Dm also has health issues and doesn't drive. Who cooked when her dc was small? Did she work? Definetly help facilitate a move but that's where you need to end it. Other than normal support for a grieving parent.

There are millions of elderly people living alone. Much older than your MIL. They should have considered how one would manage living rurally as an old person when bereaved, it was always going to happen. Now MIL should live with the consequences of that short sightedness.
There are taxis, gardeners, cleaners, online shopping etc etc to help. I feel you're diving in and she will probably be very happy to help you. And it will be you and your mental health primarily, not your DH, who pays the price long term. My DM ended up on antidepressants and BP medication seeing to my grandma's 'needs'. And she didn't even live with her.
As an ex district nurse who saw the chaos this brings to families who have done this long term, (not the older person they're usually quite happy), I would urge you not to do it.

What did I do to support my DM - well I was 100 miles away so limited but made a lot of suggestions. Some she took up, some she didn't and some she did but months later.

Found a handyman who does all her repairs - he then finds other tradesmen. Apparently he has a gang of ladies in similar circumstances who provide most of his business.

Found a taxi driver who takes her around town.

She found her own knitting group - which led to more and more kniting and craft groups.

A cleaner was found. And cleaner's husband does the garden.

When my mum became disabled, she also found extra solutions - cleaner chops all her veg for example. And lots of people will gladly go out with her as a companion to a stately home as it's free for the carer and she has a disabled badge! doesn't miss a trick my DM

All this took a long time to build up but she now has a big circle of support around her.