Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If your MIL lives with you

115 replies

Biscusting · 03/01/2020 14:03

I know, I know all the usual MIL rants that are prolific on here, but I have a reasonable relationship with mine. She can over step at times, a bit of behind the back complaining, but otherwise a nice person. (I am also not perfect).

She is very sadly recently widowed. She lives in a rural location not far from us. She doesn’t drive.

I don’t like the idea of her being on her own and she has mentioned moving. DH also worries about her.

We have a guest room with a private bathroom. Would it be crazy to ask her to move in with us?

Can someone think straight for me and suggest pitfalls to this plan?

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 03/01/2020 17:49

It can certainly work but I think she would need more than a guest room. Is there any way you can convert the garage or something to build a self contained annexe?

Other than that she could move to a small property near to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2020 17:49

She's only in her mid-60's, that's not "old" at all. She is more than capable of living on her own, and it would actually be better for her. She will be able to form new relationships and keep her independence.

Haffdonga · 03/01/2020 17:52

How completely comfortable with her are you?

Would you be ok with her seeing you and your dh have an argument?Would you be comfortable with her hanging round the living room when you want to slob in your pjs? Would you be happy having her hang out with your friends when they come round and get pissed? Has she seen you at your worst?

Then turn those questions round. Would you be ok with her having arguments with you/ your dh? Would you mind if she slobbed all day in her pjs or brought all her friends round for drinks?

Would you still be happy to live with her when she's at her worst?

If you'd be happy with her there all the time when you're both at your bests and your worsts, well then, go for it. Smile

Howyiz · 03/01/2020 17:55

This is a knee jerk response to the loss of your fil. Let everything settle for at least a year before making major changes especially as she lives near you so you can support her along the lines of what @Lobsterquadrille2 has done.

Almahart · 03/01/2020 17:56

Mid sixties is way too young for this. Your mil can have live independently and will likely be more fulfilled doing that for years yet.

I would be very careful about doing a ‘trial’ period. What if you think it’s not working but she is perfectly happy with the arrangement? That would be a very difficult situation.

Juststopit · 03/01/2020 18:02

I thought you were going to say she was mid eighties! Mid sixties is far too young, hard though it is now she may want to rebuild her life independently. She may have another relationship. Her moving in with you limits your life and hers. By all means move her nearer but not in with you.

missnevermind · 03/01/2020 18:07

No. We shared with my parents and I found it massively difficult sharing the kitchen and TV lounge area. You are never on your own. It was a lot simpler and more friendly once the granny flat was built. Visiting for tea and returning to your own space.
But my father moved abroad after mum died so I haven't had to be involved in care so far. I know that will be the difficult part

lovemenorca · 03/01/2020 18:12

A trial period is a bloody awful idea
What happens if she loves and you hate?
Also so unfair on a grieving older woman. She settles down and then what? At e end of the trial she has to up sticks again

Lobsterquadrille2 · 03/01/2020 18:12

Oh, mid sixties isn't old at all! My DM was 87 when my DF died and she'll be 90 this year. She doesn't need "care" and is very independent in every way. You could easily be looking at 30 years of living with your MIL, long after your young DCs have left home.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/01/2020 18:14

Mid-60s? Grin Quite likely she’ll live for another 30 years...

corduroyal · 03/01/2020 18:23

I think it's the rural location but you need to change, not the living with you bit.

It takes time to adapt to being widowed. There's no magic wand you can wave to take the pain away. She needs to come to terms with the loss then decide how to restructure her life. It can't be just around you.

I'd be there for her now, and in a year or two talk about whether she wants to move.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2020 18:29

You will become her de facto carer if she falls ill/needs care as she ages. All agencies will assume this and guilt trip you if you cannot do it and have your own work commitments. It doesn't matter that DH is the actual blood relative.

There is the additional point that however much you like someone living with them is a whole different kettle of fish.

Would it make more sense to help her find her own place closer to you, maybe downsize a bit if necessary to find somewhere which will see her into old age?

Also as others have said - make sure this is something she would even want. She may want to stay put.

Chloemol · 03/01/2020 18:36

If she is still young and fit, I would suggest her moving nearer to you in say a flat? That way she is near you and can pop in but not actually living with you

Caninelover · 03/01/2020 18:39

Don’t do it. Move her into a flat nearby. I know someone who did this and regretted it as her mum lived to be 103!

GrumpyHoonMain · 03/01/2020 18:42

I think finding her a place near yours would be better. The rural location is the problem not her ability to live independantly

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/01/2020 18:43

Not in a million years and my MIL is lovely. My husband couldn't be in the same house watching tv etc and have his Mum in a different room doing the same thing, it would feel incredibly rude to him. I'd never want to be left with being a carer, I'm too introverted.

MorrisZapp · 03/01/2020 18:51

Unless there are other factors you're not mentioning, early sixties seems ridiculously young to have to move in with family. Would she actually want this? And who would do the extra cooking and cleaning?

user1471453601 · 03/01/2020 18:56

I share a house with DD and her partner. We each have our own sitting rooms, but share kitchen/ dining room/bathroom.

We've had this arrangement for about 15 years and it works for us.

Some of why it works is because we share certain views. For example we all agree on the maxim "to each according to their needs, from each according to their abilities". So none of us feels taken advantage of when we "give", nor do we feel bad when we are the one who "receives" .

In other things, like being tidy, we deviate. I'm naturally tidy, they are naturally not. Our agreement is that they make an effort to be tidy in shared areas and I make an effort not to get irritated when they fail to keep things as tidy as I like.

As I said, it works for us. But I remember the trepidation I felt at the start. Uppermost in my mind was that the arrangements wouldn't work out, and it may ruin our relationship. It hasnt, but I think we were pretty lucky

Drabarni · 03/01/2020 19:04

God, no, I like mine and we get on ok, but wouldn't ant her in my space. I'm sure she wouldn't want to be there anyway.
How would she get to see friends and socialise if she moved to you, she can't drive, so unlikely to take herself off.

Pippapotomus · 03/01/2020 19:05

Mil lives here.
She has her own bathroom, we have 2 living rooms but rather than 'hers' and 'ours' one seems to be tv/xbox and the other more social so everyone has space.

We seem to have unconsciously given ourselves slots to cook and do laundry without getting in each others way.

I do miss just having silence when DH is at work and DC at school, it would be nice to not have to narrate what I am doing due to her constant questioning.

Sil drops in to visit annoyingly frequently.

aurynne · 03/01/2020 19:15

Why is everyone in the thread assuming that any care needs would be covered by the OP? If my DH's mum came to stay I would expect him to do the caring, it's his mother!

Elouera · 03/01/2020 19:20

If she doesn't drive, how does she currently do shopping/see GP etc? I agree that its her rural location that is the issue, not to just move in with you! Things needs to settle after her loss before any major changes are done.

Maybe a flat/bungalow nearer some shops/post office is a better option, or a retirement type village. Moving her to your 'guest room' is a bad idea IMO. No matter how well you get on now, what do you do if you want other guests to stay? If you go on holidays? If you ever want to down size? A trial is an awful idea too, as it doesn't predict the next 30yrs of her life and how the 3 of you will get on.
Other considerations include possible tax considerations, whether you will eventually be a paid carer and the responsibilities around that, you being her taxi driver etc etc.
Help her move elsewhere if that is what she wants, but in no way should you offer up your own personal space of your family just because she is grieving.
(Among seeing other relatives suffer and family breakdowns due to such arrangements, I've just helped move my grandmother to a carehome. She is now 99, and its the 1st time mother has slept an entire night in many many years!)

Southmouth · 03/01/2020 19:23

As lovely as this sounds, I think over time you may regret it. Myself and my partner both get on really well with each other’s parents, however I think it would soon changed if we lived together.

Also agreeing that a ‘trial’ may not work out well if one of you is keen and the other isn’t.

Is there a option that she could move closer to you, so you could all see each other regularly still but not all be under each other’s feet?

Sexnotgender · 03/01/2020 19:26

Why does she have to move in? Why can’t she just move somewhere less rural.

carly2803 · 03/01/2020 19:29

id also say no

Id live with my parents, in an annex. Works both ways. I love them but I would drive them insaine, and them me and the kids.

If you had everything separate - kitchen/living space etc - like an annex then yes.

but i would second her living closer?