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Original poster

If your MIL lives with you

115 replies

Biscusting · 03/01/2020 14:03

I know, I know all the usual MIL rants that are prolific on here, but I have a reasonable relationship with mine. She can over step at times, a bit of behind the back complaining, but otherwise a nice person. (I am also not perfect).

She is very sadly recently widowed. She lives in a rural location not far from us. She doesn’t drive.

I don’t like the idea of her being on her own and she has mentioned moving. DH also worries about her.

We have a guest room with a private bathroom. Would it be crazy to ask her to move in with us?

Can someone think straight for me and suggest pitfalls to this plan?

OP posts:

SilverySurfer · 03/01/2020 19:37

I also wouldn't do a trial. Once she has settled in you will probably have a hell of a job moving her out.

ShamefulBlanket · 03/01/2020 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

underneaththeash · 03/01/2020 19:50

Even the Asian people who I know that live with their MIL it’s Never, ever stress free.
Just get her to move nearby.

Thestrangestthing · 03/01/2020 19:56

I have my own mum living with us at the moment. She is not old, still works but I am struggling to cope with it. She is always here, my home is not my own anymore. Our situation is different though, she is sharing a room with my oldest son, and our youngest is sleeping in our room, that makes it worse. She expects to do everything with us. She expects to come on holidays with us. I don't even want to book a holiday this year because I know she will just presume she is coming.
Seriously think about this OP. It's very difficult to have someone living in your space.

altiara · 03/01/2020 20:04

My MIL has the most active social life of anyone I know at 75. She says there’s lots of women in a similar situation all trying to move into her village now they’re older /widowed/don’t want to drive. So I’d say she needs to choose a village/town to live in with lots of clubs she can join.
I think that her living with you with hamper her ability to get on with her life -which is likely another 20-30 years. She may become dependant on you when in another situation she would be forced to find friends and enjoy life to the max. Obviously not straight away.

Original poster

Biscusting · 03/01/2020 20:09

@cptartapp I don’t think they really thought through their location when they bought the house, but couldn’t financially move again.

OP posts:

fastliving · 03/01/2020 20:10

You are lovely to think it, but probably a bit mad.
You will probably end up being her carer.

You might want the extra room space she will occupy for guests and teenagers to hang out when your kids are older.
You might want to move house, have a loud party, or get a pet etc? Lots of things she would have a say in.

A house with a separate flat would be better, or much much better her own place when she is ready (don't leave it too long!)

fastliving · 03/01/2020 20:12

@aurynne Cos unfortunately most of us live in the real world....although I complete agree with you.

fastliving · 03/01/2020 20:14

Also op what if your MIL gets a boyfriend you don't like and they are always at the house/want to move in?

Original poster

Biscusting · 03/01/2020 20:15

@saraclara thank you for your perspective. You make good points. I feel she’s seems ‘older’ than she is really, and is young to be dependent on us.
I think she would move nearer us, but we also live in the area she has friends, so would make sense anyway. The only issue is the costs of moving. There’s little equity to buy something and I think she’d struggle in a flat after living rurally.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 03/01/2020 20:16

Mid-sixties is far too young to move in to your spareroom. She is young enough to build a new life and social network. I would rather encourage her to move to a flat somewhere more central and with more going on.

Designerenvy · 03/01/2020 20:17

I could never live with my MIL. We have an ok relationship but living together would be a big no no !
Why not help her find somewhere smaller but close to ye? That way she maintains her independence, which is so important as she gets older and ensures you maintain your sanity relationship with your MIL.

ThatLibraryMiss · 03/01/2020 20:18

My adult daughter and I love each other dearly and get on well and we agree that we'd like to live close to each other in the future. We also agree that the phrase is close to not with. Good boundaries make good relationships, and having a front door each is a good start. Could your MIL perhaps move close to you? Ideally I'd like to live within walking distance of my daughter, so half a mile or so, but absolutely not in her space.

We had various grandparents living with us when I was a child. I'm not sure anyone was happy about it.

Original poster

Biscusting · 03/01/2020 20:18

Being her carer makes me nervous. DH would happily help with that, although I think she wouldn’t tolerate him doing any personal care!

OP posts:

Puppymania · 03/01/2020 20:19

I lived with an elderly relative from the age of 9 until I went to uni at 18. It was hard for the whole family, I hated it. I was asked to clean her false teeth and wash her in the bath, by her not my parents. My mum had a very hard time, she was never good enough, this was not her MIL, this was a blood relative. It changed the family dynamic, consider all your options first and imagine life in 10 years and 20 years before you decide.

Original poster

Biscusting · 03/01/2020 20:23

So maybe the solution is to offer the room to her for when she feels she might need it, with the view to trying to find her a more suitable property nearer amenities and us in the future.

OP posts:

Sillyscrabblegames · 03/01/2020 20:24

Don't do it. Spend lots of time together and have her to stay regularly but you will cause problems in your relationship if you try to become her parent. She is a grown woman and she needs her independence as do you.

Original poster

Biscusting · 03/01/2020 20:25

OMG @fastliving I never thought about that! I doubt she ever would, but I guess you never really know do you!

OP posts:

champagneandfromage50 · 03/01/2020 20:26

absolutely no way--- just remember she wouldn't be a house guest who leaves, she is there for good. 60s is young and what will you do if she falls ill or needs personal care? She is living with you so you will become default carers. You have to strip away the emotions of worrying about her being a widow and think about the impact on your family and especially your DC. Also she may have no interest in moving in with you both....my MIL certainly wouldnt

Designerenvy · 03/01/2020 20:27

Yes @Biscusting, that sounds like a good idea. Ensure she knows she's welcome anytime ( for short periods ) but definitely encourage her independence and that includes living independently.

Best of luck .

flowerstar19 · 03/01/2020 20:28

What a lovely thing to consider OP. My wonderful grandmother was sadly widowed when I was a tiny baby & came to live with us in her 60s. It was brilliant as a child me and my younger brother loved her and she was a lot of fun/great cook/babysitter on tap but it did get much harder. She got very elderly quickly with various complaints and it was very hard for my parents as they had two young teens/preteen and were caring for her day & night. They were truly exhausted and it was so hard on them. But despite all her ailments she was the kindest person and my DF had his MIL living with him for 17 years, so he is clearly a saint too. She died suddenly when I was 16 which was really hard as she was like a third parent to me. My parents insist we must 'bung them in a home' but if circumstances allowed I would have them live with me too!

Lobsterquadrille2 · 03/01/2020 20:45

@ThatLibraryMiss that sounds like my DM and me - we live about half a mile from each other, although I viewed a couple of flats with her (only for her) this week that would be closer still - which would be fine if at 89 she really wants the upheaval.

We have a kind of support system to check on her throughout the day, which aside from daily texts and calls is playing Words with Friends. It's really useful because we know she's ok.

Original poster

Biscusting · 03/01/2020 20:51

@Elouera FIL and friends drove her every where. We would offer, but FIL was happy to be the taxi

OP posts:

Original poster

Biscusting · 03/01/2020 20:56

Okay so you’ve put me off the trial idea. She does live quite close currently it’s just a good uphill hike for public transport.
We can’t leave her there alone though, can we? and house selling would be such an upheaval at this early stage.

OP posts:

Anniecott · 03/01/2020 21:00

We were going to do this with my mum so as she could retire, she couldn't financially afford to stay in her house without working, she was 69. She decided to do equity release instead, thank god she did as fast forward 2 yrs she was diagnosed with full blown dementia and within another 2 yrs needed 24hr care for her own safety, social services had to step in and sectioned her as she refused to go into a home and was seen as vulnerable as she lived alone, if she had been living with us, we would never have been able to handle the amount of care she needed but would have been expected to do so. She's still only 74.

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