If your MIL lives with you

[Biscusting]

I know, I know all the usual MIL rants that are prolific on here, but I have a reasonable relationship with mine. She can over step at times, a bit of behind the back complaining, but otherwise a nice person. (I am also not perfect).

She is very sadly recently widowed. She lives in a rural location not far from us. She doesn’t drive.

I don’t like the idea of her being on her own and she has mentioned moving. DH also worries about her.

We have a guest room with a private bathroom. Would it be crazy to ask her to move in with us?

Can someone think straight for me and suggest pitfalls to this plan?

I considered my fil living with us when he was unexpectedly widowed about 9 years ago.

I am very glad we didn't. Fil, even though he was very independent at the time and not much bother, has turned into a right royal pita. He was demanding, selfish and had absolutely no financial skills. Blew around 50k in 8 months (don't ask) and developed a pretty impressive alcohol problem. He has also had 2 strokes in the last few years and needed carers etc and adaptations to his property which I wouldn't have wanted to have to have done.

I would look at property locally for her, maybe renting rather than buying and of she can't afford to rent permanently explore what local authority/ha property and what benefits she may be entitled to of her money runs out.

If you have ever done a Christmas or a holiday with her think about that. We had recently done a week away with fil (and mil) and then had another holiday with just fil and that was more than enough to make me change my mind.

Fil lives about 20 minutes away fro us now. I am very LC with him, dh sees him once a month or so, I see him about every 3 months and it's more than enough he has a new partner now to run around after him bless her.

I lived with my MIL for nearly a year when we were made homeless. It drove me mad. It was awful, and she is a nice lady and we are both reasonable and polite people. By the end I was ranting about her to strangers. I heard afterwards that don't even consider it unless you have a separate kitchen and lounge. I would get so upset, but it was hard to communicate with my husband easily with her there. It bought out the worst in me and it showed me the worst of her. I would strongly recommend any alternative!!

'We can’t leave her there alone though, can we?' OP, what do you mean by this? Yes she is grieving, but also needs to find interests and friends outside of you and her son! Having to do her own shopping and using a bus/public transport is certainly possible at 60. If she struggles, then it might help her decide to move somewhere more suitable. You already said SHE said she wants to move, but it doesnt need to be to YOUR home! I'd suggest she joins a club, group, WI or something else to get her out and about, BUT she gets there herself. I dont mean ignore her, but she also needs to get on with things HERSELF!

We can’t leave her there alone though, can we?

Of course you can. Why couldn't you? She's not an invalid. She has to learn how to manage her life and her new normal. Your life doesn't automatically grind to a halt because your spouse dies. You have to learn how to carry on.

Lovely but madness. Definitely NO!

Elouera I see what you mean. She is social, has weekly clubs already. She definitely needs driven around though. She has some mobility issues.
I was thinking our home could be a good go-between while she settles into a new normal, but maybe that would stifle her independence.
I am worrying about souring our relationship. She has stayed with us before for 1-2 weeks. It was fine, I do feel relaxed around her as does DH. She’s tidy, but doesn’t cook.

I’d do it in a heart beat - but others are providing a good contrast to consider

Your life doesn't automatically grind to a halt because your spouse dies. You have to learn how to carry on

Ouch! Really? I know you have to carry on, but bloody hell it would be so hard!

I'm not much younger than she is- I thought at first you were talking about a much older woman.

I love both my DiL and DD very much, but live with them? Share the kitchen? The tv?

No thankyou! We would fall out very quickly!

At 65 I will still be working- not an "elderly" woman needing "care"- and actually would be quite offended if it were suggested that I was.
If she doesn't drive, and lives rurally it makes sense for her to move nearer the village centre, help her do this, rather than turn her into à dependant.

She doesnt cook??? So FIL did all the cooking & drove here everywhere? How is she feeding herself now if she doesnt cook?

Apologies if I have offended, I do not see her as an ‘old’ person needing actual care. I just mean from an emotional point of view, losing your partner whom you’ve spent your whole life with must be so traumatic.

Just ready meals at the moment, and I have cooked for her or brought some food over. I worry she won’t eat much

She's mid 60s. She's a grown adult woman who needs to problem solve this for herself including figuring out how she is going to eat every day.

She is likely to live another 20 years, could be 35 so a lot of time to work out friendship groups, travel, how she fills her day and so on. The time of acute poleaxed bereavement is actually quite short when you put it in this sort of perspective.

So no way would I have her move in, even though she does likely feel awful right now. Immediate bereavement is not the time to make a decision like this which can last a lifetime - neither you or she will feel the same way in 10 years time. By that time you will probably be more than happy to leave her alone!

Giving it some time and then a move into a small flat in town near you and her friends is probably the right way forward.

My DM discussed moving up to where I live straight after my DF died. She never did and I am so glad as she has a massive social life in her home town, great support from neighbours even though I miss her. It's the best for her, she would be bored here. But for about a year and a half she barely emerged out of the house due to bereavement, everything just looks different at that time and we would have made the wrong decision.

My mum and dad live with us (early 70s) lived here for 7 years. On and off we have had brothers, elderly aunts and at some point will have mil.

Shared kitchen - separate lounges and bathrooms and our upstairs is split in two so separate sides of the house so early getting up/ late going to bed don't annoy anyone.

It has its challenges but on the whole is hugely positive - no 200+ miles when something went wrong, v close relationship with our dd etc. My husband works shifts though so we aren't on top of each other that much and my parents are fairly independent. Still both have ops this month and I am hugely grateful they are here where I can be on hand than 3 hours up the motorway.....

Thank you Anna, You are right, emotions are high all round at the moment.

How did you help your mum during that first year?

My DF died just over 2 years ago. DM lived rurally and about 2 hours away from us. She is in her 80s so much older than your MIL.

She moved to a retirement flat near us. She has made friends and has become more sociable than she was in the last few years of DF’s life as he was quite poorly. She is still very independent but does have slight mobility issues but can walk short distances. She stopped driving when she moved. Got a bus pass. There is also a community transport service here. Check whether there is something similar where your MIL lives. Usually cheaper than a taxi as you only pay the driver for petrol.

If your MIL is in reasonable health then she should be able to be independent for quite a few years yet. Obviously it’s going to be hard for her to start with, and if she isn’t cooking make sure she is still eating. Did she cook previously?

Most of the people in DM’s flat complex are widows (sometimes twice over) but most of them seem resilient.

I would have regular contact with MIL but would be careful to not get into a set routine otherwise she might rely on it and then struggle if you have to change it for any reason.

Biscusting, what is your DH's input in this, apart from "worrying about her"? What are his plans for her mother's future, his involvement, his availability to offer care? Why are you cooking and taking her meals when she has a living, abled child? Why do you happily take on all the mental load of planning the future of someone else's mother?

I honestly despair with threads like this.

My DM had a neighbour whose MIL moved in with them after she was widowed. Twenty years later she was still there ... long after the neighbour’s husband had died and her children had left home.

I think you are looking at her as a fairly helpless old lady when she’s not. Could you call your local taxi firm and get some quotes for her frequent journeys, it might surprise you how affordable it could be, that way she maintains her independence and you are t at her beck and call. Also maybe suggest DH discusses her finances with regards a house move- not to yours though !!

We moved next door to my dad years ago after my mum died. I am glad we are here, but it hasn't been without its challenges! I am glad my dad has had the chance to see his grandchildren every day, but it has put strains on our marriage for sure. It's a bit of a complicated situation, but my DH has become a bit resentful over the situation, and we have had to reduce the amount of time/ holidays we spend together.
I do thlnk it's lovely that you would even consider it, I do feel that family is important, but it does warrant some thought

Sorry to disappoint but DH has been amazing. He would have his mum here in a heart beat if she asked, but appreciates the pressure that could put on everyone, so is also in limbo, whilst grieving his father,
I’m reading the responses here to him also.

I think it's the grief talking. When someone dies everyone's position and role in the family shifts and it takes sone time to readjust and find out where everyone fits in. I think making big decisions and changes so soon would be a mistake as you're not feeling yourselves or able to really think clearly.

Also, being around you won't make your MiL hurt any less. It might help practically but grief wise she'll be as devastated as she would if she was at home. The upheaval of moving and not being in familiar surroundings might actually make it worse.

I'd leave it a few months at least and then ask her what she wants.

You are being kind and thoughtful though. I just would take a step back and slow it down atm. You've all had a shock.

When Fil died MIL sold everything including the house and moved house to a quiet area with limited transport. She got rid of everything out of the house no keep keepsakes, kitchen equipment The lot. 2 years later she went absolutely mad at her children for them allowing her to do that. They did try to tell her at the time that recommendations are not to do anything for 12-months but she was adamant that everything had to change.
She made too many decisions too quickly while not being in the right place to be doing that and is stuck with those decisions still years later

I'm another one saying it's a bad idea. She needs to learn a new way of being without her DH, which includes you but doesn't revolve around you.

We want to solve the problems of those we love when we see them in pain, but forget that pain can bring growth and new understanding.

She need to make some unpalatable decisions too. She may not prefer a flat after living where she is, but she made no alternative plans eg driving, and beggars can't be choosers. Maybe a garden flat would work well.