Seriously, Christmas makes me so unhappy - how to change it?

[marvelousways]

Has anyone ever totally changed the way they do Christmas? What did you do? How did it go down?
Every year I get to this point totally worn out, sad, fed up and exhausted and swear next year will be different and every year I put myself through the same old shit.
I have 6 dc. They are all older now (ranging in age from 21- 11) which does make it a bit better. But I also work full time and every year ALL of Christmas is down to me. ALL the present planning, buying, sorting, wrapping, stockings etc... My kids dont have massive amounts tbf but it all adds up. I do all the food planning, ordering, collecting etc , I put up all the decoartaions, plan when we will do various Christmas things and book them, remind everyone when everything is happening etc...
Christmas day is thankfully just us, but then a couple of days after (today) we visit my family - which I do manage to keep mercifully short.

Really I know I have a lot to be thankful for - we are not loaded but are comfrotable, we have nice food, kids have decent (although not ott) gifts etc...but it all just makes me so bloody miserable. I get some crap last minute gifts from dh and a random gift from older dc and that is it.and I realise that makes me sound ungrateful. Everyone makes a mess all over the house that I constantly tidying up, the kids argue and dh is oblivious to how exhausted and fed up I am....

I would love to totally change how we do C hristmas but the kids all moan every time I suggest anything different and I dont know where to start. Can't bloody wait for it all to be over for another year tbh

Your issue isn't Christmas it is the fact that by the sound of it your DH and DC are useless and don't support you! They should all be getting stuck in with the preparation and also the tidying etc on the day.

I would put a number of jobs in a hat and each family member is responsible for 2/3. They don’t do it, it doesn’t get done.

Yes, you are probably right. In fairness DH cooks the dinner on Christmas day, but I buy everything pre-prepared so it just needs to go in the oven. I also did all the clearing up/dishwasher loading/cleaning the kitchen ect

You need to assign roles and get everyone to do their job. You have a large family and lots to do so get them to help. You need to change things and make it clear it needs to be different from now on. The kids should be responsible for tidying their own crap up. Don’t be a martyr. If you are not happy with your gifts. Write a wish list.

Go out to a nice pub for Christmas lunch. It’s a game changer. You can actually enjoy Christmas morning (no prep) and afternoon (no clearing up). It’s festive and convivial as everyone else eating out is there to have a lovely time!

Tough shit if your (mostly adult) children moan. Tell them that’s what you are doing next year. You are the only one that organises anything, so that’s what you are organising. It can be really exciting in its own way if everyone just gets on with the fact that you deserve to enjoy Christmas, too!

For the last couple of years DS(14) has been buying us and GPs presents, nothing extravagant but things he has chosen (he might need help with online stuff) but apart from that he is perfectly capable or organising and wrapping gifts, so why can't your DC (with the possible exception of 11yo although older siblings could help).

I would sit down with them all now and say next year will be different. Jobs will be allocated and if they don't get done, they won't get done by you. You have had enough

Go out for lunch, or order the food on line. Cleaning should be on a rota.

I'm not sure the issue is your husband, it's more you've six kids, so eight of you min and it's a shit lot of work however you cut it.

And if DH can't get you nice presents, then next year I would spend the money you normally spend on him, on nice things for you instead and get him some token gift.

I feel exactly the same. I’m looking into going away for Christmas next year....

I totally changed how I do Christmas last year after years of being chief Christmas-doer for everyone including my parents.
I left my partner last summer told my parents and extended family that I wasn’t cooking Xmas dinner, that we wouldn’t be doing anything for Boxing Day and that I would be having a peaceful Christmas that works for my autistic son and I.
Nobody batted an eyelid and I now have the Christmas we need and my son enjoys.
If you’re unhappy with the status quo, change it. People will survive.

I didn’t put up the tree/decorations this year. DH and kids are not bothered.

Why order food?
Tesco: buy veg, potatoes and turkey off shelf if they have it, if not get chicken. I mean really, who cares what variety of white meat you get?

People are speaking up more and more about the huge hassle of hosting. These bloody adverts with the perfect massive family around a table with all the trimmings fuck me off. Someone has to be the mug that hosts and caters.

Your problem is your family don’t pull their weight. Tell them next Christmas will be different.

With that many older kids, at the very least, all the clearing up should be taken off your hands.

And crappy gifts? You are not ungrateful. It’s a time for your family to show you how much they appreciate you.

you know... I really like the idea of going out for lunch. have suggested it a couple of time, but dc (especially odest who is 21!) moan. But you're right. I am thinking slightly sod them. It's not like they are little anymore and I feel the need to consider making it what they want to much....and you're right if they dont want to help, then they dont get to choose!
TBh its not the actual presents I got that bothers me so much , just the lack of thought I know went into them (bought from local shop on Christmas eve by DH for example)- it makes me feel even more unimportant to everyone which jars with the fact I spend months planning and sorting everyone elses gifts. IDK, maybe I am just being srupid and ungrateful.

Share out the tasks..if somebody doesn't do their task and something is missing then leave it...best chrismas i had was when i went to india for 3 weeks....and now i have it at home and cater for friends who want to avoid toxic families etc and its really nice day...i dont mind cooking and get everyone a small gift....my late father always aimed to ruin the day for everyone so as soon as i could, i went elsewhere....

bibmcbib I thought about going away next year too. ONly trouble is it would me that would need to book it all, make travel arrangements, pack, sort presents to take, etc....so may just end up more bloddy hassle. Unless I just go away on my own, now that would be bliss!

sorry typo! bobmcbob

Do you sit down with DH and go through what you are getting the DC for Christmas?

So tell me how you come to be in the position of doing everything yourself? How does that actually work? Why are your children not even clearing the table and washing up? Sorry to be brutal but you’ve created a situation where they think it’s acceptable. Even my 7 year old helps with those kinds of chores. Your DH doesn’t get a free pass either as there’s more to Christmas than cooking dinner.... planning and shopping for the food for a start. Start off by handing responsibility to him for ordering the turkey etc. Various other family members can assist with the prep and clear up. Someone can be tasked with wrapping paper clear up for example ( my 7 year old does this). There’s absolutely no point in taking on the responsibility for everything and then expecting the family to notice and suddenly start to help because they’re clearly not going to. Stop being a martyr- tell them what needs to happen next year and be prepared to stand by it.

The kids want Christmas a certain way - then they can make it a certain way! Six of them! Crikey, they can manage it between them for sure.

You've done it 21 times in a row, definitely someone else's turn now. If the 21-year-old can't do a roast it's time they learned (and DH can supervise the first run-out). My kids have been decorating the tree since they were about 6....

You have to let them do it 'their way' though.

We do all tend to request particular things for Christmas, because none of us like the waste that goes with badly chosen 'surprises' - including, the waste of the giver's money. It does require a bit of co-ordinating: allocate the organising to the one who spends most time on whats app

You should definitely go away by yourself next year. Outcomes would be a) they figure it out and realise they enjoy kicking in together, b) make an almighty fuck up of the whole deal and appreciate what you’ve been doing all this time, or c) don’t even bother and realise the world doesn’t end if you do Christmas differently.

And you should definitely stop doing everything all the time

Kicking = mucking

Don't leave your presents to chance. Write a list of things you would like, email or txt it to all the DC and your dh, then they have to organise between them who is buying what off the list.

Draw up a schedule for the two weeks before Christmas where everyone has their assigned tasks for shopping/ preparation/ decorations etc display it in kitchen so there can be no excuses.

Older kids on dishwashing / kitchen cleaning duty after Christmas dinner.

We had a secret santa thing at work and were given a list of questions to show our preferences.

One of the questions was - what is your favourite thing about Christmas? I answered - January. Sums it up really.

I hate the mess of decorating (which is normally left to me), shopping (me again), DH does the cooking (spiced with a incredible variety of swear words), and I get to clean up the bomb shelled kitchen. My family does a "pick a name" so we only have to buy for one person each. I've been sent a present (a disposal rain poncho - gee thanks!) but my DH has not. I didn't manage to get anything sent for our 2 presents but did manage to email to say things would be late - mostly because I haven't had the time to get something nice enough (which will be sent back to the bro who sent me the poncho - hmmmm maybe I should regift it??)

In any case I've been suffering from a bad cold for the last week and unlike my DH am expected at work tomorrow morning - I will be happy to be there.

You are all right, I know I have created this situation myself.I am extemely proud of my kids in loads of ways. They have done really well at school, work hard, are kind and thoughtful to their freinds, have strong values, will stand up for people etc and of course I absolutely ove them all immensley but there is no denying when it comes to home life they are lazy and thoughtless and expect me to do it all - and I have let them do this I know. This is in part due to issues of my own resulting from a shit childhood where I basically looked after the house and my younger sister from the age of 10, anyway....
I do find it sad though that even DH cant be arsed really. And I spent many, many years trying to involve him in their present buying but he just couldn't care less.It's not that he doesnt want them to have presents, he just wouldnt ever really put any effort in to sort them.Also, he will say he will do stuff, then just not do it. for example he siad this year he would put up the outdoor lights one weekend, but didnt. I left it a few more days then did them myself after work one day, when youngest dc remarked our house was the only one on the road with no lights up.

I hate Christmas, I get more & more depressed as December goes on, come January 1 I breathe a big sigh of relief & think thank god for that, I have survived another one. I have never liked Christmas since I have been an adult, I can't see the attraction of running around doing loads of shopping & tearing yourself apart for what is really one massive meal & seeing members of your family, some that you can't stand for the sake of it. If I had my way i just wouldn't bother at all, my ideal Christmas would be to shut the door on it all & come out again on January 1.