Seriously, Christmas makes me so unhappy - how to change it?

[marvelousways]

Has anyone ever totally changed the way they do Christmas? What did you do? How did it go down?
Every year I get to this point totally worn out, sad, fed up and exhausted and swear next year will be different and every year I put myself through the same old shit.
I have 6 dc. They are all older now (ranging in age from 21- 11) which does make it a bit better. But I also work full time and every year ALL of Christmas is down to me. ALL the present planning, buying, sorting, wrapping, stockings etc... My kids dont have massive amounts tbf but it all adds up. I do all the food planning, ordering, collecting etc , I put up all the decoartaions, plan when we will do various Christmas things and book them, remind everyone when everything is happening etc...
Christmas day is thankfully just us, but then a couple of days after (today) we visit my family - which I do manage to keep mercifully short.

Really I know I have a lot to be thankful for - we are not loaded but are comfrotable, we have nice food, kids have decent (although not ott) gifts etc...but it all just makes me so bloody miserable. I get some crap last minute gifts from dh and a random gift from older dc and that is it.and I realise that makes me sound ungrateful. Everyone makes a mess all over the house that I constantly tidying up, the kids argue and dh is oblivious to how exhausted and fed up I am....

I would love to totally change how we do C hristmas but the kids all moan every time I suggest anything different and I dont know where to start. Can't bloody wait for it all to be over for another year tbh

Get all of them to do an Amazon wish list. DH and I have very specificities gift requirements so we each have a budget to spend on ourselves and the other will it wrap up. It’s not romantic, but does ensure we aren’t wasting money.

Go out for Christmas dinner.
One present each as you all have a lot and you don't believe in stuff for the sake of it.
Decide this well in advance

You will need to have an iron will to stick to it for the first year though.

It’s really sad that you put all that effort in and you got a couple of crappy gifts.
Glad you’re going to start changing things.
I think it’s also time to get a chore list going so by next christmas the dc won’t be so lazy and know there are expectations of them.
You should be able to ask them to do stuff to help out and they should be willing to help out. It’s all part of being in a family.

More great replies, thanks. I think its getting to the stage where I feel I can leave things. But know if I don't do some of the things, they just won't happen and I couldn't do that when the children were younger. I still feel a bit bad for the youngest one who will be 12 next Christmas, but then again he is as bad at helping out as all of them. With the older ones though, especially the 21 and 20 year old you're right if things don't happen it's not the end of the world. In terms of money Dh and I have totally joint accounts. We both work full time (although my salary is higher now) so financing Christmas is evenly split. The older 2 DC are still at Uni so don't have finances available to me help out which I'm wouldn't expect.

I used to get myself in a stress over Christmas and always ended up being ill. DH now wraps our presents as he is better at it. This means he also knows what he's giving to people! Yes, I have to be there to supervise and make sure the right things go in the right parcels with the right label but he is actually wrapping them.

You have to give orders I'm afraid. Christmas morning I said to DH 'Please come and help me set the table.' Then I noticed a load of mess had come off the packaging from a present so I said 'I need to get a shower now. Please run the hoover over.' Don't martyr yourself. Tell them what needs doing.

Amazon wish list for your presents. Add to it through the year and remove stuff if you get it in the meantime. Means you will get something you want but not necessarily what it will be.

This is a moot point if you end up going out but don't stress about the clearing up after dinner. Put a load in the dishwasher, sit down with a drink. Nominate a child or two to empty it when it's finished and refill it. When that's finished nominate another couple of children to empty and refill. Even if it goes on into boxing day, it doesn't matter. I left a lot of ours until boxing day and just got up and pottered around doing it listening to the radio. It all gets done eventually.

And this isn't for everyone but I'm on ADs this year for anxiety and I really can't get myself worked up about it this year so that has been a good side effect.

It’s not about the money though is it? It’s about lack of effort on everyone else’s part. I think going out for dinner obviously means your load is reduced but they’re still not required to do anything. Unless you’re going to go out every year you are still going to have to address this at some point ( otherwise they’ll be drifting back home every year making no effort)

Earring out for 8 on Christmas Day will cost a fortune. Save the money for something better and get an Indian takeaway next year. No prep and minimal washing up.

*Eating out

Also, he will say he will do stuff, then just not do it. for example he siad this year he would put up the outdoor lights one weekend, but didnt. I left it a few more days then did them myself after work one day, when youngest dc remarked our house was the only one on the road with no lights up.

In which case the DC can tell their dad, not you. He can do it or not do it. It’s still his responsibility.

The 21 year old watching you struggle up and down a ladder. Don’t do it - ask him to do it. You don’t have to do everything yourself

Set up a family WhatsApp.

Tell them how you feel on it and ask for suggestions. Take screenshots of what everyone has promised to do.

Also for gifts. Nearer the time, ask everyone to post ideas of what they would like on their and you post your own list. Then also allocate DH some of the children to buy for, he can use he list. Make it clear to the children who he will be buying for so if it is not thoughtful and a load of old crap they will know how it feels.

Division of labour drawn up by you and agreed at a family meeting a month or two in advance. If there's no culture of everyone pitching in already (and how can there be, with your dh the way he is ) then you need to go in with a firm plan.

In our family (dc 14, 12, 4) it goes like this: I sort/buy/wrap all presents for the dc (fine, I'm in my element there), also for relatives. Dh and dc do the big food shop (no online shopping here, but they'd prob want to do it in person anyway). Cooking is shared - we don't do a traditional roast and have quite divergent tastes so we tend to put together a meal out of stuff we all like best and each person, incl the older two, cooks and mainly preps their 'contribution'. Dh does most of the veg peeling and clearing up. Dh and older dc get me token gifts (I make suggestions in advance) - the dc's are usually quite funny - and dh and all dc write, rehearse and perform a topical/satirical 'nativity play' for me on Christmas afternoon, with references to world events and to what our family has been doing this year.

Honestly, OP, I would feel like slapping your dh and your whinger of a ds1, who looks as if he's shaping up to become a carbon copy of his father.

principle I'm already on ADs which make it possible to just about cope with every day life, but Christmas still tips me over the edge!

I do write the shopping lists and food lists
Dh usually gets most of the food.
I usually order presents online but we have a festive shopping afternoon in December
I wrap a few presents as I go but they get wrapped by dh usually although when they were at home I'd give one child's presents to the other on Xmas eve and get them to wrap each other's
Don't do cards
We all help get the decs down and do it all, even now, when they come home we all get them out. Although me and dh will have to put them away.
I cooked on Xmas day, although I'd done a side dish once a week and frozen it.
Dh tidied up after.

principle I'm already on ADs which make it possible to just about cope with every day life, but Christmas still tips me over the edge!

Even more of a reason for the rest of your family to grow up and pull their fingers out - including your DH

I feel the same as you but I have a helpful.family.
I am changing things by going away next year. All but my youngest have partners now and my 8yr old can still have santa and stuff away.
I'm done with it all.

So you know your DH needs to pull his weight. Next year sit down in October and make lists of what gifts you need to buy then send DH out to buy them and wrap them.

Tell him what you want for your own gift,set up an online food shop and get your older kids involved in preparing lunch, it doesn’t have to be the traditional Christmas lunch.

If your present way of doing Christmas is upsetting and exhausting you then the only way to change feeling that way is to change your Christmas routine

E.g if you host extended family have them eat at their own home and then meet up on Christmas Eve or boxing day to exchange gifts ...

Or if it's the cooking itself you could buy a pre cooked turkey ( I remember my mother used to do that,I think you collect it Christmas Eve or early morning crack of dawn Christmas day...she used to get hers from a local butchers shop, she swore it was a game changer in making it easier for her

If you don't want to cook at all, could you buy tickets to a local pub, restaurant, hotel etc and dine there for Christmas dinner (I know from my town prices vary by place so if you do decided to do it then shop around for your price budget....you could even get a jar and put a little in each week and call it the Christmas dinner fund and by Christmas use it to pay for dining out in Christmas day and any extra money use for buying your other Christmas food in

For gifts, if you buy their gifts from amazon you can click for them to giftwrap it and you can type personal message for the gift tag (total time saver, )

For your Christmas tree if they won't help put it up and decorate it, I think in argod and on Amazon there are trees that come with lights and decorations kind of fixed to them,

For Christmas cards, buy a box in the sales, write a few to family and friends, neighbours etc and then put them back in the box and store the box somewhere you will find it next christmas

With my suggestions by next Christmas arrives you would have your cards already done, a tree that is already decorated, gifts that arrive already wrapped , and have Christmas dinner out someplace (so you can eat it and enjoy it without cooking or washing up)

Also for the rest of your Christmas holiday season food that can be ordered online...you can sit in your living room, with something nice to eat, a glass of wine or a coffee, a nice movie on TV , curled up cosy on your sofa and order it in comfort online from your phone...and have it delivered to your home

Plan now so next Christmas will be hassle free and relaxing and more enjoyable for you

You need to give them jobs over Christmas. No need to be a martyr!

*Argos....not argod

This isn’t about money but about your family pulling their weight.
Why are you ending up doing jobs when you’ve asked someone else to do them?
This really isn’t on. If they don’t do what they’re meant to do either have it out with them or just leave it.
If you have selfish and lazy family members who get away with it, they’ll still be selfish and lazy at Christmas.
Now’s the time to stop this and get new rules and behaviours in place.

This sounds a lot like a family dynamics problem. I think you need to make it very clear that Christmas is a joint effort between the 8 of you, not a full service experience for 7 and you in a sobbing heap in the corner.

In case it helps, we (family of 6) divide it this way:

• we have a standing list built over many years of Christmas food. Purchases are "hidden" within ordinary food shopping from September onwards. DH does a last-minute / fresh stuff shop on the 23rd.
• DH plans and procures family gifts, I do stockings
• I wrap, except for gifts to me
• we save monthly for Christmas and DH works to that budget for gifts, food, alcohol, trips out. Were are usually +/- 10%, which is manageable.
• everybody helps. No-one gets to abandon the kitchen. If you unloaded the dw or set the table, you are only responsible for clearing your place setting.

The game-changer for me has been building in time alone for everyone over Christmas. If you've had an hour with your new book / lego / pens then it is not unreasonable for me to enforce table setting, food prep etc being a group activity. Ditto table clearing. Then everyone can hide again for a bit to get over the shock!

Also, I'm afraid you may need to point out to DC1 that he is now an adult and wanting Christmas "his way" means helping, not just consuming.

Does everything you do matter to someone? Ask them what makes Christmas. IF ds1 wants Christmas dinner at home, get him to write the shopping list and go to the supermarket. If someone is keen to do Christmas events, let them plan and book (you can pass them the money). If ds11 wants decorations, get them down and let him put them up (and get him to ask dad to do outdoor bits under his supervision). If presents mean a lot to you, organise a shopping day in town or a sharing of wish lists and online shopping day at home with mince pies/ hot choc in plenty of time to avoid last minute panic presents.
Cut out any bits that no one is bothered about and let everyone be responsible for the bits that matter to them.

Just to echo @Howmanysleepsnow - you need to gather everyone together and tell them you can deal with one aspect of Christmas. They can choose Presents, Food, Decorations or Trips Out, but you will only do one. Which one is the important one? If they want more than one, they deal with it themselves. And they need to agree which is Your One, not nominate one each!

looking at your situation, the first job I would ditch is the Christmas food shopping. Let your dh sort that, and don’t give it another thought. If he’s scrambling for the last frozen turkey on Christmas Eve, because he hasn’t ordered anything in advance it’s not your problem. You may have to endure an uncomfortable Christmas to get to the better ones.

I am Christmas in our house but it suits me tbh. This year I decided to suit myself more and consult and consider others less. It’s barely registered with my family but made a huge difference to me.

This year I only put out big impact decorations (garlands, wreaths, tree, throws) and left all the cluttery bits up in the attic. It’s been much easier to live with. In the past I’ve decorated every surface so there was no where to land keys, letters and clutter which just got plunked down on top of decorations and the house looked permanently awful. This year I made sure to leave lots of surfaces free, and cleared away vases and other stuff to the attic. It’s been much calmer and so have I.

I bought my own gifts and left them with dh to wrap and he added a few bits too. We tend to ask each other for suggestions which works for us. Typically he leaves it too late to order online so I just bought what I fancied as I went along.

I refuse to shop after the end of November. I buy gradually from September onwards leaving the dc gifts til last. I also don’t do more than one event per week in December and focus instead on crafting and cooking with the dc. I’m genuinely in awe of people who can cram all the prep into two weeks because my mental health wouldn’t take the strain.

I always write myself a few notes for next year when I’ve forgotten all my resolutions and strong feelings. It helps enormously!

Do have a look at something like this op. If you've had a difficult childhood where everything was down to you to organise, it's hard to let those patterns go.