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Original poster

Seriously, Christmas makes me so unhappy - how to change it?

108 replies

marvelousways · 29/12/2019 17:25

Has anyone ever totally changed the way they do Christmas? What did you do? How did it go down?
Every year I get to this point totally worn out, sad, fed up and exhausted and swear next year will be different and every year I put myself through the same old shit.
I have 6 dc. They are all older now (ranging in age from 21- 11) which does make it a bit better. But I also work full time and every year ALL of Christmas is down to me. ALL the present planning, buying, sorting, wrapping, stockings etc... My kids dont have massive amounts tbf but it all adds up. I do all the food planning, ordering, collecting etc , I put up all the decoartaions, plan when we will do various Christmas things and book them, remind everyone when everything is happening etc...
Christmas day is thankfully just us, but then a couple of days after (today) we visit my family - which I do manage to keep mercifully short.

Really I know I have a lot to be thankful for - we are not loaded but are comfrotable, we have nice food, kids have decent (although not ott) gifts etc...but it all just makes me so bloody miserable. I get some crap last minute gifts from dh and a random gift from older dc and that is it.and I realise that makes me sound ungrateful. Everyone makes a mess all over the house that I constantly tidying up, the kids argue and dh is oblivious to how exhausted and fed up I am....

I would love to totally change how we do C hristmas but the kids all moan every time I suggest anything different and I dont know where to start. Can't bloody wait for it all to be over for another year tbh Sad

OP posts:
springydaff · 30/12/2019 12:06

Have you heard of FOG?
Fear
Obligation
Guilt

isittheholidaysyet · 30/12/2019 12:55

I can see my family going down the same route as yours, marvellous.

Eldest is 14, youngest is 8. I have made small changed, but this has inspired me for next year.

DH is a star on the day with cooking and clearing, but the lead to Christmas is his busiest time at work. So I've let him off a lot. This year he was in charge of sourcing computer gifts (I have no clue) and buying the tree.

DS(14) is now bigger and stronger than me, I have started making him do heavy lifting jobs, so he was sent to get the tree as well.

Next year I will give him and DS(12) a budget to buy presents and let them get on with it.
I might put DC's in charge of specific other things as well. This year the eldest two did the big food shop with me. That was an eye-opener for them.

I think you need to make sure that you think what is most important to you at Christmas and make that your job. (Which might be the 2 things you think are most important for your youngest DC). So that that definately happens for you.

Original poster
marvelousways · 30/12/2019 13:18

springy you could well be right there. I have read around that subject before. I definitely have some issues which is how I have let this situation develop. I had a fairly rough childhood, with my Mum in and out of mental health hospitals etc...
isit make changes NOW before it gets so ingrained and feels too late to change and you are on your knees with exhaustion!

Right, I've taken the tree down and done a good clean and feel a bit better. DS2 moaned and accused me of having no Christmas spirit - I gave him a death stare and he went back to playing on the switch!

It WILL be diffierent next year, that I do know.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Events & celebrations
StCharlotte · 30/12/2019 14:23

Yesterady he sat in his room and watched me struggling up the ladder in and out of the loft putting some bags of christmas stuff away and didn lift a inger to help.

So you just tell him to do it/help.

Well done for getting ready to change things next year though Crown Smile

BaolFan · 30/12/2019 16:31

DS2 moaned and accused me of having no Christmas spirit - I gave him a death stare and he went back to playing on the switch!

My response to that would have been that I would quite happily have Christmas spirit if all I had to do was sit on my arse, have presents given to me but not bother getting anyone else anything, and have lovely food served whenever I wanted it without having to lift a finger to help...

Get tough. Time for some home truths.

MT2017 · 30/12/2019 20:09

Agree a meal out for that many people will be v expensive.

Can your older DCs do a course of food instead?

Eg oldest three pair up with younger ones and sort starter/dessert/cheese and biscuits or chocolates etc.

This 'Christmas has to be done a certain way' attitude is bollocks. No-one dies if the tree isn't up or the sprouts are forgotten.

Original poster
marvelousways · 30/12/2019 20:39

OK...on further research it does seem a meal out for all 8 of us will be riduiculous ammounts of money which although we could possibly stretch to it seems wasteful.
I am thinking maybe I will delegate the whole meal INCLUDING the planning/ordering/shopping for/collecting etc to DH, Then allocate very specific helping/cleaning tasks to dc.......
I am going to get an artificial tree too. A smaller one, that doesnt take up the whole bloody lounge and is pre-lit. I will put up no other decorations - if anyone else wants to they can crack on.
I am happy to do gift buying - but will enlist help with wrapping.
Table will be set up in lounge for Christmas meal to avoid mega room re-arranging.
I have already set up an amazon gift list!

To her credit my 14 yr old dd went shopping today and bought me a gift - one of the two things I had asked for but didn't get! She bought it with her own Christmas money as she was sad no one got it for me - bless her.

OP posts:
BaolFan · 30/12/2019 20:44

Aww your 14 y/o sounds like she's on the right track. I'm sure the rest of them will be as well - they just need a humungous boot up the jacksy to get there Grin

ritzbiscuits · 30/12/2019 20:49

I'm going to make notes now about things to change for next year. Mainly Christmas was fine, doing the majority of food shopping online was a big help this year. I was pushing around a massive trolley last year with a bad back and thought 'what the hell am I doing?!'

Main change for next year is DH is in charge of cooking on Christmas Day. We continuously have had the ILs on Christmas Day for the past 10 years and I can't say I enjoy it. I've told him next year they either come on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but he's doing the cooking. Probably a curry and trimmings, I don't care.

I cooked a smaller Christmas Dinner for the 3 of us on Boxing Day and enjoyed it much more without the stress of my MIL being on my back about the food, the gravy etc!

I feel the main change you can make is to divide up jobs early doors. Keep the main things you want control of and pass others onto your DH and older kids. I'd also suggest cutting down on presents where possible. I've reduced this significantly in the past couple of years and has made the run up much less stressful and expensive.

Good luck, and remember, despite what social media says, not everyone is having the perfect Christmas! Half of it is BS!

pinkprosseco · 30/12/2019 22:13

Rather than the expense of eating out on Christmas Day you could order an M&S Christmas food order with prepared veg, turkey crown etc. Then it's just getting the timing and the table sorted and it's not extortionate

springydaff · 31/12/2019 12:18

it seems wasteful.

It's wasteful to give you a break and a treat and the joy of being able to walk away afterwards and leave the mess to someone else? I don't think so. That's giving you a great you RICHLY deserve. In fact, while the family are at it, they can take you on holiday to the Caribbean. As a treat to thank you for all the slog you've put in over the years.

It may be that the others organising christmas in your place is a lovely way to go but don't think for one minute that a bit of expense on your behalf is wasteful. It's money well spent.

springydaff · 31/12/2019 12:19

*treat

Original poster
marvelousways · 31/12/2019 12:24

springy that is in fact very true. I am VERY bad at treating myself/looking after myslef - I need to start doing this. I will ponder some more the pros and cons of eating out

OP posts:
Happyspud · 31/12/2019 12:33

Everyone has a (proper) job in the run up.

  • All tree and decoration related duties: DH
  • Hoovering total downstairs before Christmas Day and putting ALL wrapping and rubbish into bin bags on the day: one child
  • planning, purchasing and putting out Christmas Eve buffet: older child
  • Table setting for the main day: Another child
  • Sous chef (tidying after chef, washing pans, helping plate up): Another child
  • Organising all Santa lists are written and shared with mum by 1st Dec: another older child
  • Clean up after meal: DH and 2 kids

You buy EVERY gift online and get it delivered.
You buy total meal ready prepped by M&S for the main day.
You get Tesco delivery on 22nd of all snacks and booze and staples for Christmas week.

BaolFan · 31/12/2019 12:37

Look up the national living wage and then multiply that by the total number of hours you will spend driving to the supermarket(s) to get the food, bringing it home, prepping it, cooking it, setting the table, dishing it up, clearing up afterwards and washing everything up.

Then have a look at the cost of eating out, bearing in mind that all you have to do is turn up, eat and then go home again...

crochetandshit · 31/12/2019 12:43

I know that eating out solves a massive problem, but it does nothing to change the fact that everyone else does FUCK ALL except notice what you haven't done.
It's no coincidence that it was a female child that bought you that wanted gift op.

brassbrass · 31/12/2019 12:48

Why can't you talk to them all about it now Christmas is over? Do they understand all the work that goes into it or the thought and effort put into their gifts?

This stuff isn't self explanatory and children especially need to be taught. You also need to expect more from your DH.

As an ongoing thing everyone should be helping around the house. You are not the house skivvy but you have set yourself up as one and that is not their fault. Stop being a doormat.

Original poster
marvelousways · 31/12/2019 14:38

I am a doormat, I know that. and I know it is my fault I have allowed that situation to arise. I evn have some understanding of how my own issues froma very crap childhood have contributed. But knowing all that still doesnt make it any easier to change it. Sad

Anyway.... having spent another morning hoovering up bloody pine needles I have just ordered a pre-lit artifical tree in the sale - It will go down like a lead balloon but will definitely ease my life somewhat so I am managing my own (irrational) anxiety at dc being dissapointed at lack of a real tree and trying to remind myslef that if it makes my life better then that is fine.

If we do eat here next year I will DEFINITELY be very specific in assigning tasks to EVERYONE. I do already order pre-prepared food which helps.

OP posts:
EnidButton · 31/12/2019 15:42

Buy yourself a new year present. Something you wouldn't normally buy that feels a bit special.

Foghead · 31/12/2019 16:11

Has anybody else done any hoovering or cleaning at all?

Original poster
marvelousways · 31/12/2019 16:44

fog dh has taken the Christmas tree and some rubbish to the tip.(minor miracle, the tree normally sits in the front garden till about March!) No one else has lifted a finger of course. But they would all quite happily live in a total shit hole. Sad

OP posts:
AmericanAdventure · 31/12/2019 16:56

Uch it's so hard isn't it. You want everything to be perfect but get disappointed that others don't view your expectations the way you view theirs.

I am making changes yearly. This year I refused to deal with DH's side of the family. Left to him entirely and this made a huge difference to my time and stress levels.

Next year we are planning on going to our local restaurant instead of cooking. No big food shop, no gazillion pots and roasting pans to soak, no dishes. Nice walk back home. I'm already looking forward to it.

I'm also determined to follow a 4 present rule next year for the kids. Something you want, something you need, something to eat, something to read.

I relaxed more this year and it largely went unnoticed.

AmericanAdventure · 31/12/2019 16:59

Also this year found a place that delivers tree and picks up dead tree in the NY for a tenner. No threats of divorce over tree carcass rotting in garden until Easter or fights about which car it goes in.

But I'm liking the idea of prelit tree. Unfankling lights is my least favourite thing to do.

Ninkanink · 31/12/2019 17:06

I’ve learnt in recent years that it makes absolutely no difference if things are ‘perfect’ or not. Literally, no one cares (or should care, unless they’re doing the work!), and as the one hosting I set the tone for how I want it to be. I work to make it as nice as possible, of course, but I am not bordering on neurotic in the way that I used to be. I want to have a good time, I want others to have a good time, and the best way to achieve that aim is to keep things as chilled as possible, and, in big groups, to make sure everyone does their fair share of the work.

I’m glad you got the tree! It’s a good start to thinking about how you can make things easier for yourself, and people might moan but actually, once it’s up they’ll see it’ll be lovely, too. And it only takes a year or two and it becomes the new normal.

springydaff · 31/12/2019 17:55

Has anybody else done any hoovering or cleaning at all?

No, not a drop. In fact I sat on the sofa in my dressing gown watching the Railway Children (which finished at 1.05pm: daddy, my daddy) until my son got up and cooked me a bacon and egg toastie, at my insistence (there wasn't enough bacon so son and girlf shared a sandwich while I had a whole sandwich). As I explained to his girlf, I've worked like a dog for years and I'm not doing it any more. She was probably quite shocked because I sense her mum does all the work still but I've had enough, I've fulfilled my quota for ever thank you very much.