Seriously, Christmas makes me so unhappy - how to change it?

[marvelousways]

Has anyone ever totally changed the way they do Christmas? What did you do? How did it go down?
Every year I get to this point totally worn out, sad, fed up and exhausted and swear next year will be different and every year I put myself through the same old shit.
I have 6 dc. They are all older now (ranging in age from 21- 11) which does make it a bit better. But I also work full time and every year ALL of Christmas is down to me. ALL the present planning, buying, sorting, wrapping, stockings etc... My kids dont have massive amounts tbf but it all adds up. I do all the food planning, ordering, collecting etc , I put up all the decoartaions, plan when we will do various Christmas things and book them, remind everyone when everything is happening etc...
Christmas day is thankfully just us, but then a couple of days after (today) we visit my family - which I do manage to keep mercifully short.

Really I know I have a lot to be thankful for - we are not loaded but are comfrotable, we have nice food, kids have decent (although not ott) gifts etc...but it all just makes me so bloody miserable. I get some crap last minute gifts from dh and a random gift from older dc and that is it.and I realise that makes me sound ungrateful. Everyone makes a mess all over the house that I constantly tidying up, the kids argue and dh is oblivious to how exhausted and fed up I am....

I would love to totally change how we do C hristmas but the kids all moan every time I suggest anything different and I dont know where to start. Can't bloody wait for it all to be over for another year tbh

sorry, it's NOT that he doesnt want them to have presents

Go out for lunch. If they moan about it they might have an incentive to help the following year. If not then tough.

Buy yourself a really nice present.

Are the best suggestions from pps.

This is really just not fair on you at all.

Sit down conversation with them all, where you point out that the Xmas they all want takes time, money and lots of effort, and that you have the short straw on all of it.

They have two choices - either they take their turn with their part and start to chip in with contributions and chores, or they accept the fact that you'll be going on holiday on your own for Xmas 2020.

well switching up from wrapping parcels to putting them into bags was a huge game changer for us (yes i had to make the bags but it was worth it) i went with several medium sized ones so everyone had a few to open.
i tell people what i want and need. so make yourself clear to your dh and to the older ones literally "DS1, i would like home made soaps" i tell them months in advance, "DS2, i really need socks to wear inside my winter boots" etc.
i do relax a bit regarding the housework for the week (pointless dusting around all the trim) or vacuuming daily etc.
i pre prep and freeze as much as possible starting in october/november (cookies muffins soups for lunch pies and bread etc.) but with 6 children i'm sure your familiar with most of this.
focus on what bothers you the most and make plans to change that be it delegating the loading unloading of the dishwasher or the shopping list.

Ive read quite a few threads where Xmas appears to be the sole responsibility of the mum. I'm sure there are lots of people who make it more balanced and perhaps as you say it's time for some changes. DH & I both work FT & for our house we do the following :

Decorations - my kids aged 21 and 18 put up the decorations on an evening. Usually when oldest is back from uni so 2 weeks before. It a tradition that we play xmas music, and I usually sit & have my first mince pie (or 2) Perhaps that could be a new tradition for your family?

Food - DH and I share buying bits in weeks leading up and doing food lists. He orders and collects turkey from butcher. He then cooks xmas dinner, whilst we have a glass of fizz. He's a better cook and enjoys it. I sit, drink & talk, and do important bits like buttering the bread for the starter. DS laid the table this year. I'm in charge of pudding.

Present buying for kids- usually me more but I enjoy this. I do get DH to do one trip to shop for ideas in November and buying for his family. He always finds a couple of bits for the kids that's a surprise for me on the day.I have ordered some bits online this year to make it easier.

Present buying for me - we do buy for each other and over the years the amount we spend has varied depending on our budget. And actually I do care about this although lots of people on here say they don't? He listens to hints leading to xmas and is brilliant at buying - looks at what toiletries I use, made of note of an outfit I said I liked, asked the assistant in Next go and look for nice 'cotton' underwear as he knew I would prefer to lacey stuff, bought me stuff for a new hobby, and chocolates I Iike. Lots of surprises but all right, I am thoughtful with gift buying for him. Perhaps your 'hints' need to be stronger. Sizing can be difficult but I just tell him early November so he knows. Perhaps plan a day in November where you and DH shop and point out some bits you would like?

Housework - we generally share this. Xmas day we had some family arriving midday and a fair amount of dog hair appeared from nowhere! DD stuck hoover round quick whilst I made guests bed. My DS does his own laundry anyway.

In the afternoon we play a game, chill,drink and eat too much.I have lovely xmases and look forward to it. This works for us but appreciate everyone and families are different.Hope you can get a better balance next year and enjoy it more.

You just don't do anything. Allocate jobs in writing. If no one else does it, it doesn't get done. No outside lights, no tree. Give them all money, not presents. Order the food. It's ready prepared and delivered by the shop. DH cooks. You don't do anything else. Hard, I know, but are you Dobbie the Elf ???

In fairness DH cooks the dinner on Christmas day, but I buy everything pre-prepared so it just needs to go in the oven. I also did all the clearing up/dishwasher loading/cleaning the kitchen ect

Precisely, the cooking is the easy bit (especially if its all preprepped!) its the planning and the clearing up that take the time.

I've taken the pressure off by not doing a traditional Xmas roast. This year my DCs asked for Dominos so I ordered it late on 24th and heated it up on Xmas day. My day was so easy!!!

If they want something else, your DC are old enough to contribute. Even my 15 y/o DS helped with cooking for family when they came over earlier in the week. DP helped with the clearing up and the DCs all got involved in cleaning and tidying the house before people came. If it was all left on me I'd have gone up to my bed and left them all to it!

This isn't a Christmas problem, its a DP/DC all year round problem. They all need to make more of an effort. If your DP only buys one person's gift, it should be thoughtful.

YANBU I felt totally knackered and unappreciated by the end. All the do could go on about was how much the kids gifts cost (all my money).

right, you have all inspired me. No more Christmas martyr. Next year we WILL go out for lunch! (obviously I will have to book it but can cope with that!) That will save sorting and ordering the food. and it will also solve having to re-jig rooms (complicated but DS2(11) sleeps on a sofa bed in what used to be the dining room when DS1(21)is home from uni and then we had to swap it back to dining room for Christmas dinner which was a MAJOR PITA) Plus no clearing up, washing up etc....bliss. I can then just buy nice nibbles for boxing day.
DS1 will moan but I dont bloody care

The balance of duties in our house -

Dh bought the tree. I decorated it (bar the lights as not tall enough) and did all the greenery, lights elsewhere in the house. I did all the outside lights on bay trees.

Presents - we did the majority together from John Lewis click & collect and Amazon.

Wrapping - apart from each other’s, we did this together one morning.

Food shopping - dh did it but I had preordered the turkey.

Booze shopping - I bought it all in one trip to Majestic.

Cooking - 21 year old made the Christmas cake and iced it, he also made 2 hams and all canapés. Dh did all of the Christmas main meal, both sons prepped veg. I made a pudding. I did some washing up/dishwasher loading.

I did the table.

Clearing up was done by us all and dh got up early Boxing Day and finished it off and washed the floors etc.

All 3 of them bought me lovely, thoughtful gifts without hints or a list.

We had a lovely, relaxed time. Yes, the workload is not exactly even, but my dh likes it that way (and I hate cooking).

dewy that sounds such a nice co-operative division of labour.

Going out for Christmas lunch is pretty unaffordable the more people there are. If there’s you, dh and 6 kids possibly plus partners it’ll cost a bomb.

If your DS1 moans then tell him the alternative is that he buys the food and preps and cooks it for all of you, himself.

baol you're right. That's it exactly isnt it. he goes on about he loves Christmas dinner etc...etc...but does bugger all to help with it. Yesterady he sat in his room and watched me struggling up the ladder in and out of the loft putting some bags of christmas stuff away and didn lift a inger to help. I feel so bad that I have somehow raised them to be so totally selfish in many ways. I feel quite a failure all round just now in fact

Just looked at some prices of xmas dinner out and it is a lot. But I could put away each month I reckon and cover it by next Christmas. kand would be worth it for my happiness I reckon.

You aren't a failure - they just need a kick up the bum.

Get them told - got stuff to put away here I need some help now please. Xmas dinner needs to be at home, well you lot can buy it and cook it then because this isn't a fucking free hotel.

It's a well known phenomenon that people don't appreciate things that are free or easily gained. Once they start having to muck in they will be much more appreciative of what's involved.

boal thanks. A kick up the bum is defintiely needed!

I find with my DCs who are studying so both live independently in term time, they are lazier now as 'visitors' than they were when they lived here full time and were more in the rhythm of the household. But they do respond (and always have in fact) to specific requests - can you empty the dishwasher/peel some potatoes/etc.

Present list (for everyone) so that you get some things that you like and want, and tell them that you also love Xmas dinner with them, but you're going to have a division of labour with food preparation and clearing up. 6 able and teenage/older kids should mean that this can happen. If they're not willing, tell them you can't all keep having Xmas dinner like they're used to, because it's lovely but exhausting for you and you need their help.

Oh and set yourself up an Amazon wish list. As the year progresses, add on things that you fancy. Circulate the list at the start of November and tell your 'D'P and kids that they can agree between themselves who is getting what, but that these are the things that you want.

thanks all.
i have just actually set up a wish list on amazon and added 2 books to it. will make sure folks are aware for my bday in June!

You could also go out for Christmas dinner on the 24th leaving Christmas Day for relaxing at home. Have a good breakfast (we like scrambled eggs and smoked salmon, or frozen croissants into the oven when you wake up so you can have them freshly baked), a buffet meal for lunch and plenty of snacks and treats, and just let everyone pick at it throughout the afternoon.

It does not have to be stressful.

Next year, introduce Secret Santa for everyone with a decent budget so everyone gets one good present. Use the money you didn’t spend on gifts to go towards dinner out.

I’m one of six children and we all have Christmas dinner at my parents’ house with all the spouses and kids. My mother used to wear herself out at Christmas. I genuinely didn’t know how much work went in to it until I started doing the cooking and prep a few years ago. Mum is getting older and less mobile now so we’ve taken more and more tasks over from her over the years, plus the numbers have grown as more partners and children have arrived.

Now, two people do the food shop, two others put up the tree and decorations, I do the prep and cooking (my husband helps- mum supervises ) and DH sets the table, then everyone gives a hand to tidy up afterwards- even a small child can be given a rubbish bag and help tidy used napkins off the table. Everyone chips in to get table and chairs moved and moved back, then, after Christmas, there’s more help to take down and pack away the decorations.

Also, on the day, everyone is responsible for their “branch” so instead of me plating up 20+ dinners, I put everything on serving dishes on the kitchen island and each family member is responsible for plating up for their kids- so my brother or his wife will plate for each other and their three kids etc. Otherwise, you have too many people cramming in together.

As your family gets older, it’s likely that your numbers for Christmas dinner will grow so please don’t let it get to a stage where you’re doing everything. It’s just not possible.

Being part of a big family can be brilliant, but everyone needs to pull their own weight and contribute.

Make it clear : you're NOT going to do Christmas next year. You're not!

Spell it out. Why are YOU saving for the lunch out? Why should it be you who saves? What about your husband, your grown kids? Your husband sounds like a totally dead weight. Don't let him be.

Say, and mean it, that next year you're going to do nothing. Say it again. Say it and mean it. Don't chase. Don't do anything at all. Don't rescue them - so what if you're the only house without lights? Will that release a poisonous gas that kills them? No. So if they don't like it they can do it themselves. Or it doesn't get done

If it helps at all : your girls will grow up expecting to be the house slave, your boys will grow up expecting women to be house slaves. This stuff goes deep. If you can't change it for you, change it for them.

Maybe you can give them the offer, you can all help with Christmas prep and get similar amount spent on gifts next year, or you go out for Christmas dinner and some of the present budget will be spent on dinner.