Well, we could have got a takeaway

[CatherineCawood]

After running around organising Christmas I got very cross on xmas day.

I'd done all the wife work in the lead up to xmas. I know I don't need to list it all here I'm sure you know what I mean. Plus I work 45ish hours in my job most weeks and bring in way more than 50% of the household income. As my hours and job role have changed as the kids have grown up I've tried to get the family to help out more. However, I just get accused of nagging. Then I lose it and get told you only had to ask. WTF?!?!

Anyway, we opened gifts round the tree at 12ish having dragged 2 teenagers out of their bedrooms. As soon as that was over they went back to their bedrooms leaving a complete mess in the lounge. DH said he felt ill so I suggested he went to have a lie down (he had a migraine on xmas eve so was still feeling it, he did however manage to put away a fair bit of booze on xmas eve at a party I said we should show our faces at for half an hour, I ended up having to drag him away at 10.30pm as the hosts wanted to go to bed! So it might have been a hangover really?)

I cooked lunch, set the table etc etc. DD is vegetarian and previously said she didn't want xmas dinner with a vegetarian protein, she wanted risotto instead.

I shouted that dinner was ready. DS came down in pjs so I asked him to go get dressed quickly. Christmas dinner to me should be nice and not eaten in pjs. I asked him to make sure that DH was awake and aware dinner was ready.

DD came down and I asked her for help to dish up the risotto and get some water and glasses for the table. She immediately moaned and huffed and puffed and kicked off. She could have cooked the risotto herself she is perfectly capable.

I had to shout up again to make sure DS was getting dressed. He has ADHD and gets easily distracted.

I then hear DH come out of his office door. He wasnt in bed but was on the computer.

I just lost it. Asked them why they thought it was ok to just leave me to do it all and then think it is ok to moan and sneer when asked to quickly do things so we could eat whilst the food was hot.

It was DH's response that sent me over the edge, "we could have got a take away". I don't want a takeaway for xmas lunch. We did it last year because the friends we were due to go to got norovirus xmas eve. We didn't have much food in as we were going away on Boxing Day.

I didn't want another takeaway this year. To me it isn't xmas lunch. We've done it once, admittedly this was a bit of a life ambition for DH so I thought he would be over it.

Is that an appropriate response to your wife?

Apparently if I want xmas lunch and things to be "nice" I need to do the work. They would be happy with a takeaway.

DD says I'm toxic. I've ruined xmas before by getting totally overwhelemed with everything. She wont spend another xmas here ever again. I ruined her childhood. She said we should spend xmas in a larger group which I had tried to do. Last few years we've spent xmas with another local family which I've loved. But both kids won't hang around there, they eat lunch and leave which I think is really rude and find a bit embarrassing when you've been invited for the day. They're not really friends with the other families kids, even though they are nice.

DS doesn't seem so bothered by the turn of events.

For me it wasn't really doing all the cooking myself that bothered me. I'm a perfectly capable cook and don't mind doing it. What really bothered me was that no one gave any thought to me and that I might want some company instead of spending 2+ hours on my own. House is 3 floors and everyone was on the top floor, I was on the lower ground floor. So miles away from everyone.

What do I do. Am in in the right/wrong or both? I think both to a degree. I shouldn't have lost it. But I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's my personality type. I cant do the put on a face type thing it's just not me. Am gutted. Truly gutted. I do feel like I spoilt it for everyone. But at the same time I'm fucking furious that they think it's ok to just leave me to do everything. Talking yesterday DH says I could have left all the gift buying to him. However he does his gift buying on xmas eve. Some stuff has to be posted overseas etc. He wouldn't do it in time. DS wanted a Nintendo DS 2xl he wouldn't have found one of those on xmas eve. They were out of stock everywhere 2 weeks ago.

I just feel like he has a smart answer for everything.

Why do I feel like such a bitch?

It sounds as though you're putting in lots of work for a family who just don't appreciate it. Unless you feel the effort is worth it for just you to enjoy a traditional meal, I'd be tempted to ask one of them to organise it next year - so they can have a take away if that's all they want, or perhaps going out to eat would be an option if it's something you can budget for (knowing it costs £££ for even a mundane meal).

I don’t think you’re a bitch at all.

Next year, leave them all to it.

I say go online right now and book a plane seat somewhere and get the fuck outta dodge for awhile maybe on their own they'll appreciate all that you do

Have you got family who share the same Christmas vision as you that you could go away to next Christmas? Or Friends?

And by 'you', I mean only you. Leave them bloody to it. Ditto the present buying. You do what you want to do in terms of presents, making sure you get yourself something really rather nice, and leave them to it. Maybe they'll enjoy what they say is their ideal Christmas. But I wouldn't be surprised if they did not.

They sound horrible.

What a miserable bunch they sound. Happy to complain but don't want to make any effort themselves. Can you go somewhere else for a few days? I would be booking myself a couple of nights in a hotel and leaving them to it.

I must say it sounds as though you need to scale back what Christmas means in your family as it doesn't sound as though anyone else is bought in to your idea of a traditional Christmas. It isn't unreasonable for this to be your idea of Christmas day as it sounds like most people's. However for whatever reason, the other three aren't bothered.

I would suggest you put a note in your diary for say mid-november next year and then whatsapp or email or whatever your family chat method is round everyone and say. "What shall we do for christmas this year? I'm not going to just do all the traditional stuff as no-one esle seems that into it, does anyone have suggestions of what they would like to do?" If everyone would enjoy a special festive takeaway then why not? If the kids would rather sleep in till noon or two or whenever, eat, then open presents afterwards, why not?

The main thing to make it 'Christmas' IMO is to do something fun together that you all enjoy and appreciate, and if it works, to do much the same the next year with whatever adaptations are desired.

If you DH says he'll sort the presents, let him. If he screws up, its on him. It won't kill the children to realise that work goes into whatever happens at christmas.

But ensure that everyone is on board and its what they all want, and that you are very very clear that its a joint responsibility. If they all say "turkey" then say "who wants to cook it?". Etc

They sound very miserable and ungrateful , but given your DDs comments, I'd love to hear their side of the story tbh.

Your family sound horrible. They all
sound entitled and ungrateful. I would stop doing anything for any of them. Grab their stuff/rubbish any time you see it around the house and dump it on their beds.

Next Christmas leave buying gifts to dh. So what if no one got what they wanted? They didn't appreciate it anyway! Cook yourself a nice meal or go to a friends house without them and leave them to fend for themselves.

I really wouldn't bother next year- book yourself into a hotel and have a nice rest!
Sorry but they all sound selfish and vile. Don't you dare blame yourself in any way.

This is why I don't like Christmas - it sounds awful with teenagers and it's not much better with the little ones. All the films and adverts and books show this perfect family around the table and this is why people think they can achieve. It is REALLY not like that it's a complete fairy tale. If you can achieve it you're in the minority and very lucky (I think anyway!) most adults (I want to say the female ones) by xmas lunch are FRAZZLED by this point. They're at the edge already.

I'm a single mum of two boys, 7 and 3. I sat sobbing at the table whilst they were screaming and hitting each other, mess everywhere. I sacked off the dinner. I was on the verge of collapsing after slaving after them for weeks trying to make Christmas special, fitting in all the xmas school stuff - and doing every bloody thing else with no thanks, no gratitude, nothing, not even a hug. I forgot to take out both wheelie bins (the days obviously changed didn't they) and that was it...

I DID manage to get everyone out for a run around the park with out pup, and the weather was great so that massively cheered us all up. I then made Xmas dinner on Boxing day which was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much less stressful! Youngest spent the entire meal prodding it and making gagging noises though.

Thing is you're dammed if you do and damned if you don't. If you DO you get moaned at because you're knackered and stressed and need a bit of help (and a flipping thank you!) and if you don't they'll demand where is our Christmas....

All the shouting and stress sounds pretty horrible all round.

It sounds like you and your family want different things on Christmas Day.

Maybe decide as a family next November whether you want a take away or a traditional meal where everyone does their share of the preparations (allocated in advance).

Your DDs behaviour was unnecessary, but in my experience teenagers can be worse than toddlers at Christmas and they do grow out of it. I don't have any experience of ADHD so I can't comment on your son.
I think your DH was out of order, you're supposed to be a team. The time to step up is before the celebrations start not revert back to being irresponsible on Christmas Eve and they saying I told you so.
I think PPs are right, next year try to take a step back and encourage them to have more involvement in how they want the day to be.
We all have different expectations on how we want the day to be and especially these days it's easy to build it into more that in realistically it can be.
I'm sorry you feel like the day has been ruined, don't take it too much to heart, you can use this to help you think of what you want to do next time.

Poor you, it sounds like you are crumbling under the weight of your own expectations for Christmas.

Your family just are not into Christmas , which is a shame but IMO you can't force them

Next year can you go out for a meal?

Also, stop being a people pleaser so much with the risotto cooking for DD. I have a vegetarian DS, he had the choice of eating what I cooked or helping me make a veggie option. He chose to eat what I cooked.

Stop busting your ass for people who do not care. Stop the drama. This way everyone is miserable.

Next year, decide as a group what you are going to do:

• all cook/prep for Christmas together

Or

• eat out/takeaway no-effort Christmas (that includes DS/DD maybe not getting Their present in time due to dad logistics, but hey, so what)

Accept that next Christmas will be crap and do nothing at all. Nothing. See what happens

Also, my teens had dinner in their PJS.

It is a teen thing. Saw the Beckham boys were all in PJS this Christmas too

It is not a battle I would have picked tbh

No more present buying. Give cash in a card. Daughter wants a different meal then you should have told her to prepare her meal as you were busy. I would have called everyone to the table. If they're late to the table i would eat mine and leave theirs covered on the table. See how they like cold dinners, they can find the microwave to reheat.

that doesnt sound good op.
Get them involved.
have a special breakfast, they can choose what,
have a special starter which they can be part of.
get them all to make some part of the meal.
lay down the ground rules, there will be no sloping off upstairs. they can HELP.
alternatively they can be in charge of gthe whole thing while you slack off rest

practice this all year

Urgh.

Assuming you still actually like your family why don’t you have a family sit down in about six weeks, explain how the whole shebang made you feel.

This gives your (ungrateful) family a chance to apologise but it also let’s everyone table their ideas for what to do next year.

Personally I recommend practising three words:

Tenerife.
All.
Inclusive.

My XH used to say things like that. If I made an effort to cook a nice meal but if I DARED mention the effort or the time I'd put in, he'd say 'we could just have had a takeaway'. If I mentioned the time and effort I'd put in to source, buy and wrap the kids presents (he put in nothing) he would say 'we could have just given them vouchers'. Anything to minimise the effort I'd put in, even if his 'simple solutions' would have meant a miserable day for everyone.

Tell them it's on them next year. You're tired of being responsible for everything, so they can sort it themselves. You may end up with cheese sandwiches (which they will all say they 'really enjoyed and is better than Christmas dinner!', but they will be lying) but you will have made your point.

My mum used to get very stressed on Christmas Day and I hated it tbh. I would have been happy with a simple meal and her being less stressed.

It does sound difficult OP. Next year could you assign your DH some tasks and then just forget about them. My DH did all the gifts and then I planned and cooked Christmas dinner so I didn’t feel resentful because he had already done a lot!

Sounds like for now you could do with trying to have a bit of downtime and then maybe reflect on what you could do differently next year.

I think your teenagers sound like teenagers, your husband sounds like he was being a bit useless.
But also you can't force people to have your idea of a lovely Christmas it's like herding cats. You end up frustrated, angry and bitter and not very nice to be around ( or at least i do...)
teenagers generally don't like family get togethers but like them later on (we've just had our first christmas with a grand child and even my grumpy brother had a nice time)

So things that you can do is

1. if you want some nice times go and do them your self all through the year.
2. sit down and ask your family what things are important to them at christmas - or maybe on weekends in general. They may say things you dont like but you all have to compromise.
3. get them all to help like @sparklybaublefest suggests.

THey are more likely to want to make you happy when they feel that you all like each other and don't resent all their choices - and that's why they make defensive statements like we could have got a take away.
It is hard especially at CHristmas particularly when your husband is being a big man child so i do sympathise.

Bunch of selfish arses. It's not you, it's them.

Also, I get migraines. There's no way I could be dragged anywhere whilst I have one and if I could there's definitely no way I could drink alcohol or be somewhere noisy so I'm calling bullshit on your DH's Xmas eve 'migraine'. He might've had a headache but my guess is he exaggerated so he could get out of doing anything Xmas eve as well.

Your not a bitch at all. You all have different visions as to how you want Xmas to be. Xmas is about relaxing and not worrying about anything. You obviously hated it as did everyone else. Next year discuss beforehand and don’t impose your ideas and see what everyone else wants and try to work it through.

They all sound incredibly ungrateful. I had a Christmas a bit like that a few years ago and vowed never to to another Christmas at home again. Not do anything at all next year and take yourself off. We did a spa one year, it was fabulous. Your family can fend for themselves. See how they like it when none of the work idols done for them.