Well, we could have got a takeaway

[CatherineCawood]

After running around organising Christmas I got very cross on xmas day.

I'd done all the wife work in the lead up to xmas. I know I don't need to list it all here I'm sure you know what I mean. Plus I work 45ish hours in my job most weeks and bring in way more than 50% of the household income. As my hours and job role have changed as the kids have grown up I've tried to get the family to help out more. However, I just get accused of nagging. Then I lose it and get told you only had to ask. WTF?!?!

Anyway, we opened gifts round the tree at 12ish having dragged 2 teenagers out of their bedrooms. As soon as that was over they went back to their bedrooms leaving a complete mess in the lounge. DH said he felt ill so I suggested he went to have a lie down (he had a migraine on xmas eve so was still feeling it, he did however manage to put away a fair bit of booze on xmas eve at a party I said we should show our faces at for half an hour, I ended up having to drag him away at 10.30pm as the hosts wanted to go to bed! So it might have been a hangover really?)

I cooked lunch, set the table etc etc. DD is vegetarian and previously said she didn't want xmas dinner with a vegetarian protein, she wanted risotto instead.

I shouted that dinner was ready. DS came down in pjs so I asked him to go get dressed quickly. Christmas dinner to me should be nice and not eaten in pjs. I asked him to make sure that DH was awake and aware dinner was ready.

DD came down and I asked her for help to dish up the risotto and get some water and glasses for the table. She immediately moaned and huffed and puffed and kicked off. She could have cooked the risotto herself she is perfectly capable.

I had to shout up again to make sure DS was getting dressed. He has ADHD and gets easily distracted.

I then hear DH come out of his office door. He wasnt in bed but was on the computer.

I just lost it. Asked them why they thought it was ok to just leave me to do it all and then think it is ok to moan and sneer when asked to quickly do things so we could eat whilst the food was hot.

It was DH's response that sent me over the edge, "we could have got a take away". I don't want a takeaway for xmas lunch. We did it last year because the friends we were due to go to got norovirus xmas eve. We didn't have much food in as we were going away on Boxing Day.

I didn't want another takeaway this year. To me it isn't xmas lunch. We've done it once, admittedly this was a bit of a life ambition for DH so I thought he would be over it.

Is that an appropriate response to your wife?

Apparently if I want xmas lunch and things to be "nice" I need to do the work. They would be happy with a takeaway.

DD says I'm toxic. I've ruined xmas before by getting totally overwhelemed with everything. She wont spend another xmas here ever again. I ruined her childhood. She said we should spend xmas in a larger group which I had tried to do. Last few years we've spent xmas with another local family which I've loved. But both kids won't hang around there, they eat lunch and leave which I think is really rude and find a bit embarrassing when you've been invited for the day. They're not really friends with the other families kids, even though they are nice.

DS doesn't seem so bothered by the turn of events.

For me it wasn't really doing all the cooking myself that bothered me. I'm a perfectly capable cook and don't mind doing it. What really bothered me was that no one gave any thought to me and that I might want some company instead of spending 2+ hours on my own. House is 3 floors and everyone was on the top floor, I was on the lower ground floor. So miles away from everyone.

What do I do. Am in in the right/wrong or both? I think both to a degree. I shouldn't have lost it. But I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's my personality type. I cant do the put on a face type thing it's just not me. Am gutted. Truly gutted. I do feel like I spoilt it for everyone. But at the same time I'm fucking furious that they think it's ok to just leave me to do everything. Talking yesterday DH says I could have left all the gift buying to him. However he does his gift buying on xmas eve. Some stuff has to be posted overseas etc. He wouldn't do it in time. DS wanted a Nintendo DS 2xl he wouldn't have found one of those on xmas eve. They were out of stock everywhere 2 weeks ago.

I just feel like he has a smart answer for everything.

Why do I feel like such a bitch?

i would also want them to learn now though. so dont cook for the rest of the week apart from yourself,pick up after yourself. then "well you can see what i do,see if you really like it when i do sweet fa.and you can have takeaways for your meals right?"
i do wonder how the atmosphere is if your dd is saying things like this though.it doesnt sound like just out of the blue grumpy teenage speak,she was very specific.so i do think there is something more going on with your emotions. and theirs. im still not saying your at fault but with you saying you wear your heart on your sleeves.and what she said.maybe something worth exploring.
next year cook for one.nice little turkey crown or thigh joint.sorted.
or go to family or to a nice gathering at a pub or eatery.
whatevers happened,im sorry youve had a toigh time.whoever is it fault its never nice to feel this way especially at this time of year.

i would also want them to learn now though. so dont cook for the rest of the week apart from yourself,pick up after yourself. then "well you can see what i do,see if you really like it when i do sweet fa.and you can have takeaways for your meals right?"
i do wonder how the atmosphere is if your dd is saying things like this though.it doesnt sound like just out of the blue grumpy teenage speak,she was very specific.so i do think there is something more going on with your emotions. and theirs. im still not saying your at fault but with you saying you wear your heart on your sleeves.and what she said.maybe something worth exploring.
next year cook for one.nice little turkey crown or thigh joint.sorted.
or go to family or to a nice gathering at a pub or eatery.
whatevers happened,im sorry youve had a toigh time.whoever is it fault its never nice to feel this way especially at this time of year.

I can't just leave them at home. It would feel really weird. I do want to spend xmas day with my family rightly or wrongly.
It might feel a bit strange for you, but they are telling you, screaming at you, that they do not want the type of Christmas you do.

I asked DH what he wanted to do next year and he said I expect we will do the same as this year and have a shit time.
Change it. You go to your friends and have the Christmas stuff you prefer. They can have the relaxed time they want.

Don't be a martyr. Your daughters words say it all, they do not want this.

Leave present buying to your DH then and tough luck if the stuff is out if stock. Maybe your kids will appreciate you more then.
Poor you op

You're not a bitch, they're a shower of ungrateful fuckers. Down tools for the foreseeable and see how they cope without your wife work.

Definitely not a bitch! You sound very reasonable. It is so frustrating when you prepare food and nobody appreciates it. It is so rude. My BIL has form for this - "Oh thanks for making dinner. You shouldn't have. No really I would just like a sandwich" sort of thing. Aaaargh. Accept gracefully and thank the cook - how hard can that be? This year I got left with the clearing up and I kept on trying to get people to help me but they wouldn't or got distracted. Or tried to help but threw away precious leftovers....it was like everyone had strategic incompetence and in the end I was seething!

Family life is shit isn’t it!

I think you should have gotten a takeaway. This all sounds horrific.
Please don't repeat next year.
It sounds so unnecessarily stressy!!!!

OP it's lovely that you want to recreate your happy Christmas memories for your family. I totally understand why it feels a shame that they don't share your idea of that type of Christmas.

Of course everyone is entitled to their own idea of how best to celebrate Christmas Day. When ideas are polarised I think the best way to deal with it is by honest discussion, kindness and compromise.

Sadly it doesn't sound like your family wanted to compromise, or be kind and you have borne the brunt of this.

I'm sorry if my comments about my own DM were unfair- it's just that I'm sure in her head she was trying to create the prefect family Christmas. However, she turned into a terrifying monster and as a child I just wanted to be out of the way and safe from her.......

I think your husband's comments in your last post were very very unkind.

I wonder if you should make a few mental notes about this year so you can prepare differently next year? Otherwise you may be in danger of having another tiring and heartbreaking attempt at what feels like 'the right' Christmas to you.

It seems everyone else in your household has done what suited them, without compromise. You could try to identify a few things that would make you happy on the day, (that can be done despite a grumpy family), and make them happen.

Your daughter's comment about having more people involved in your Christmas day was also unkind. Are you just supposed to magic a load of people into the day? Some people have a family and friends set up that leads to loads of people for Christmas Day, others have less..... I've been part of both- and ironically I always see the other set-up as the ideal because the grass is always greener..... So when we had a few years of just 3 of us on Christmas Day I yearned for loads of people, and a huge family Christmas. For the past few years we've had 15+ people and I've yearned for a simple cosy little family Christmas. I think I the only answer is to make the best of what you have!!

Tell him next year you want to go out. Make sure you say where or you might end up in McDonalds. I think most women run the Christmas Show. Would it work to write a job list for each person?

@Bowerbird5 you're right most women run the Christmas show and it's so unfair. This year we had 15 family over. DH was brilliant- we shared the cooking.

However, he got huge amounts of praise and I got overlooked- like he had performed some kind of miracle.

Then when we cleared up our guests insisted he sat down and put his feet up after all the work he had done- so guess who cleared up.....

Makes me so angry!

I’d be so tempted to do absolutely nothing next year, no buying presents, no getting the decorations out, no festive food etc and see how they would react (but make sure you treat yourself to a lovely Christmas treat for yourself).

Sit down and pour yourself a glass of wine.

Sounds as though you need a chat with your DH about the situation. If he wants to do less than nothing, you are not going to change that. Suit yourself, seriously. Do what YOU want to do, and if you want to spend the day at a friend's, go. Leave the children with DH.

@peoplepleaser1
That used to happen in my parents house when my dad retired. He took an interest in cooking and would cook 5/6 times a year and everyone would make a big fuss and my mam would be there saying to herself usually "what about the other 360 days of the year".

Leave them to it next year.
Start looking for a nice holiday, far away fom the ungrateful bastards for next Xmas.
Tell them the morning you're leaving for your holiday.
Or just leave a note after you go to the airport.

Everyone pitched in. I think that I wanted to recreate that for my family but they're just not into it are they.

I’m sorry you didn’t have the day you wanted, but do the other members of the family pitch in the rest of the year? If the norm is that they do nothing and you do everything, they’re hardly likely to change that mindset on Christmas Day.

I can do understand how you lost the plot. Clearly feeling exhausted and unappreciated. Unfortunately when we feel like this, things escalate quickly and we start throwing everything in to the mix (pj battle should have been overlooked) because we feel so hurt. They would only totally get it if they walked in your shoes. This just isn’t going to happen, so next year, you do it differently. You know that getting them to help is a lost cause, so choose a lovely venue, and that is just what you do! Spend the morning relaxing and pampering, putting yourself first. It really is ok to do this!! Try it, know your worth, and they might just all start to appreciate you too. With regards to you DD hurtful comments - ignore, they know just how to twist a knife, and once she leaves home and fends for herself, she will appreciate you, and just how good she had it! 💐

You need to make less effort. Also I think you need to ask your dh that if he will agree to buy presents he needs to look into availability 2 weeks before Xmas to avoid disappointment.
How old is your daughter. If you have always let your kids get away with not helping then you can't suddenly expect an Xmas miracle.
Why didn't you call your dh on his hang over or his computer playing

@cstaff that must have driven you DM to distraction. It's so frustrating. Trouble is I was too much of a chicken to call them all out on it!

You sound like a bit of a martyr. Why have you been running around after everyone. So many women moaning on here that they’ve done absolutely everything for Christmas.

Yet another moaning bloody Christmas martyr.....

I completely fail to understand why so many women insist on behaving like this. They choose to martyr themselves by doing absolutely everything because nobody else would do it to their satisfaction, thereby create self-fulfilling prophecy of stress, anxiety, exhaustion and resentment. They then do exactly the same the next year with exactly the same result, having learned nothing.

Just stop doing it. The world will not end and everyone will have a much more relaxed, more enjoyable day. Problem solved.

I would establish in January when your daughter will be away for Christmas, and make it explicit that she isn't expected (or wanted) for Christmas. As you are toxic, is she still living at home, and if so, when will she be making arrangements to find her own place? Plan to shootout friend after present opening and leave dh and ds to it, but don't tell them, just do it.

I don't do Christmas lunch, we now eat in the evening....still the same food, but I'm less stressed by doing it that way.

This year has been stressed, as we have just moved back from abroad after 13 years away, and it all got a bit much, but I have been dealing with the move since March, plus dh retiring, and I just got to 'enough' point, which was recognised by dh and ds.

Your family sound lazy and ungrateful and I would not be putting in any effort next yr

" I would love to go to my friends and I know she would be more than happy to have me. But, I can't just leave them at home. It would feel really weird."
Yes, you can leave them at home. So what if it feels weird - that feeling will soon stop, as you relax into your friend's company.

Give your family the Christmas they (claim that they) want. Leave the gift-buying to your lazy-arsed husband. Let him try to find gifts on Christmas Eve. Let your ungrateful teenagers carp at him for getting them shit. Let them sit in their PJs eating a takeaway. LET. IT. HAPPEN. But you don't have to let it happen to you. You have your friend to go to.

A saying I've seen here @CatherineCawood, and which I have adopted, is:

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got"

You have always tried to make it nice for them. You have always got ingratitude. It's time to try something different. And I would suggest that you start by planning your own Christmas for next year with your friend, and let your husband and teenagers find their feet. In the long run it is the kindest thing you can do for them.