Well, we could have got a takeaway

[CatherineCawood]

After running around organising Christmas I got very cross on xmas day.

I'd done all the wife work in the lead up to xmas. I know I don't need to list it all here I'm sure you know what I mean. Plus I work 45ish hours in my job most weeks and bring in way more than 50% of the household income. As my hours and job role have changed as the kids have grown up I've tried to get the family to help out more. However, I just get accused of nagging. Then I lose it and get told you only had to ask. WTF?!?!

Anyway, we opened gifts round the tree at 12ish having dragged 2 teenagers out of their bedrooms. As soon as that was over they went back to their bedrooms leaving a complete mess in the lounge. DH said he felt ill so I suggested he went to have a lie down (he had a migraine on xmas eve so was still feeling it, he did however manage to put away a fair bit of booze on xmas eve at a party I said we should show our faces at for half an hour, I ended up having to drag him away at 10.30pm as the hosts wanted to go to bed! So it might have been a hangover really?)

I cooked lunch, set the table etc etc. DD is vegetarian and previously said she didn't want xmas dinner with a vegetarian protein, she wanted risotto instead.

I shouted that dinner was ready. DS came down in pjs so I asked him to go get dressed quickly. Christmas dinner to me should be nice and not eaten in pjs. I asked him to make sure that DH was awake and aware dinner was ready.

DD came down and I asked her for help to dish up the risotto and get some water and glasses for the table. She immediately moaned and huffed and puffed and kicked off. She could have cooked the risotto herself she is perfectly capable.

I had to shout up again to make sure DS was getting dressed. He has ADHD and gets easily distracted.

I then hear DH come out of his office door. He wasnt in bed but was on the computer.

I just lost it. Asked them why they thought it was ok to just leave me to do it all and then think it is ok to moan and sneer when asked to quickly do things so we could eat whilst the food was hot.

It was DH's response that sent me over the edge, "we could have got a take away". I don't want a takeaway for xmas lunch. We did it last year because the friends we were due to go to got norovirus xmas eve. We didn't have much food in as we were going away on Boxing Day.

I didn't want another takeaway this year. To me it isn't xmas lunch. We've done it once, admittedly this was a bit of a life ambition for DH so I thought he would be over it.

Is that an appropriate response to your wife?

Apparently if I want xmas lunch and things to be "nice" I need to do the work. They would be happy with a takeaway.

DD says I'm toxic. I've ruined xmas before by getting totally overwhelemed with everything. She wont spend another xmas here ever again. I ruined her childhood. She said we should spend xmas in a larger group which I had tried to do. Last few years we've spent xmas with another local family which I've loved. But both kids won't hang around there, they eat lunch and leave which I think is really rude and find a bit embarrassing when you've been invited for the day. They're not really friends with the other families kids, even though they are nice.

DS doesn't seem so bothered by the turn of events.

For me it wasn't really doing all the cooking myself that bothered me. I'm a perfectly capable cook and don't mind doing it. What really bothered me was that no one gave any thought to me and that I might want some company instead of spending 2+ hours on my own. House is 3 floors and everyone was on the top floor, I was on the lower ground floor. So miles away from everyone.

What do I do. Am in in the right/wrong or both? I think both to a degree. I shouldn't have lost it. But I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's my personality type. I cant do the put on a face type thing it's just not me. Am gutted. Truly gutted. I do feel like I spoilt it for everyone. But at the same time I'm fucking furious that they think it's ok to just leave me to do everything. Talking yesterday DH says I could have left all the gift buying to him. However he does his gift buying on xmas eve. Some stuff has to be posted overseas etc. He wouldn't do it in time. DS wanted a Nintendo DS 2xl he wouldn't have found one of those on xmas eve. They were out of stock everywhere 2 weeks ago.

I just feel like he has a smart answer for everything.

Why do I feel like such a bitch?

I remember Christmas as a youngish child mostly as my mother getting stressed and shouting at us. Normally she was absolutely lovely but there was someone about the (and earlier poster put it well) the weight of expectation on herself.

As we got older, we were allowed to get more involved, got a say in what happened, chose what contribution to make. I used to set the table. I'm sure it was nothing like as beautifully dressed as my mothers efforts but I loved doing it because I had chosen it and it was my 'thing'. They very kindly admired my efforts to do that I did get ok at doing it over the years.

Absolutely, have a family get together, no recriminations and some choices about what we want Christmas to be next year. It b. May not be perfect but it will be much more fun for everyone.

Why did you cook a separate meal for your daughter? I would have told her to cook her own if she wanted something different to everyone else.

I got the impression that the OP has a very fixed idea of what a good Christmas is to her, and that doesn't match her family's idea of a lovely Christmas. Sorry to say, OP, that if you insist on your own idea of Christmas then there is going to be some resistance especially if you are not happy yourself at the end of it!

You are not being a bitch or 'nag' - the sort of language always used against women who call out rubbish ungrateful behaviour. Next year, make plans that you want, for yourself, leave them to it. Crucially - don't feel bad about it! They don't deserve all your efforts.

Book a family holiday next year and forego the presents

I completely understand your disappointment as I like to cook for people and share food.

However, if nobody else in your family enjoys it then it doesn't seem like something you can share with them. You're out-numbered so one option would be to spend Christmas separately with people who share your vision (either friends, other family, or a largescale exercise such as Crisis). If it's more important to spend the day with your DH and DC then it seems as if it will have to be organised in line with their preferences (tho' I don't see where the shared time or food will come into it but that is probably something that can be resolved by agreement).

Judging by MN it doesn't seem like the work:enjoyment ratio is worth it for the amount of effort that so many MNers put into the season. Imagine devoting all that time and those resources to something that would genuinely make you happy.

I'd done all the wife work in the lead up to xmas.

Why? If you are feeling resentful then don't do it. Martyrs who then moan about it never get thanks. You let your dh and your children contribute nothing. Make changes in 2020 and distribute the "wife work" evenly through the family.

You have a selfish lazy DH and between the two of you, you've raised selfish lazy teenagers.

I'm guessing this is the culmination of you letting them treat you like crap for many years, so of course Christmas won't be any different.

I think you need to sit them all down one day when you're not annoyed and lay out very clearly a new set of house rules.

How old are your teenagers?

I really feel for you OP, and I hope you've managed to do something nice for yourself to make up for your horrid day.

My mum used to get very stressed on and around Christmas Day, and very drunk. She was very difficult to be around, and I used to keep out of her way as much as possible. Helping her out would have led to her loosing it with me as she likes things 'just so' and would go ballistic if I did anything she didn't approve of.

Im sorry to ask a tricky question- but is there any chance that this was you on Christmas Day?

I kind of get it from their perspectives, sorry. I hate, hate, hate the amount of bloody faff that goes into making Christmas dinner when it's just a ridiculously overblown roast dinner. To me, there are too many accoutrements for it to be tasty, it's just overly filling and complicated. It leaves me feeling unpleasantly full and it's just soooooooo much work and hassle in order to feel a bit shit after it. I'd be so much happier with a good takeaway if that was an option. As it's not, a pasta bake and a salad would be beyond perfect. Something that genuinely is thrown together in 20 minutes then left in the oven for an hour and ignored until it's ready to serve up.

However the rest of my family are like you and want the whole bloating roast experience. So my mum, usually, ends up doing the whole thing and I feel obligated to help and I resent it because I actually want to be with my DS, helping him with his Lego or playing boardgames with him. Not in another room peeling 6 million carrots I don't want.

Your DH and DD are selfish, entitled arseholes.

Do you have family or friends you could go stay with for the rest of the weekend? Or for the rest of the holiday if you have it off?

Let them fend for themselves.

And hold them to their ridiculous announcement: do nothing for them next Christmas. Tell your DH he can sort them out. Take yourself somewhere nice.

Next year book a ski trip/safari/whatever you fancy for one. Email the family the details in around October. Tell them they’re welcome to join you if they get around to organising it. The end.

I can see both sides. Essentially you have incompatible visions of Christmas. They want a lazy day, bit of food, gaming, enjoying their new stuff. You want a family celebration with a big meal.

I'm sorry to say it, OP, but if you're the only one who wants a traditional family Christmas and they haven't bought into your vision of the day, you are going to end up doing all the work and feeling resentful. And they'll see you as unreaqsonable and a martyr.

Let go of your 'traditional' ('normal'?) idea of Christmas. When everyone is feeling less stressed/combative, have a chat as a family about what you all want Christmas to be and how to make that happen as a family. If everyone pulls in different directions no one will be happy.

You have to give up this stuff eventually. when you are the only one trying to make a nice family Christmas, and everyone else is being a mixture of indifference all round..

I think that many families have naff,and quite unhappy Christmases because of family,,and all when you are thinking that everyone else you know,is having the best of everything, which is not always the case !!

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. There is a lot to take away (pun intended) from this. You are right they don't want the same as me do they? I would love to go to my friends and I know she would be more than happy to have me. But, I can't just leave them at home. It would feel really weird. I do want to spend xmas day with my family rightly or wrongly. Maybe Tenerife all inclusive is the way forward!

I asked DH what he wanted to do next year and he said I expect we will do the same as this year and have a shit time . Can't wait!

I had lovely lovely childhood christmases. Everyone pitched in. I think that I wanted to recreate that for my family but they're just not into it are they.

I bet they don't want the fuss of a traditional Christmas cos they don't want to do anything.

Next year, let dh be responsible for presents & don't take over or have back ups when he leaves it to Christmas Eve.

Let them do food shopping too & organise & pay for takeaway.

Or book to go away by yourself & leave them to it

peoplepleaser possibly, although I don't drink so wasn't drunk!

Op how old are your kids as I feel if they’re 13 that’s a different case to them being16+

Geezo! Stop martyring yourself for fucking Christmas. They don't want it! Do nothing next year. Enjoy how liberating it is.

I can remember my family wanting to do specific things at Christmas that seemed really tedious/rigid at the time (including the type of clothes that I was allowed to wear; apparently trousers/jeans weren't acceptable on Christmas Day!) Why not ask your family what they would like to do, including eating and present opening? I'd have left the teens to sleep and had the presents later/next day provided that they turned up dressed to the dinner table. Pick.your battles but it's everyone's Christmas. Find out how they would like to celebrate it.

Is there another way of doing things that could work? What’s out having the traditional meal on another day? We often do ours on Boxing Day and have something more relaxed on Christmas Day so I’m not stuck in the kitchen all day. It’s harder with teens, my DH and I made sure we planned things WE would enjoy for the day, so we weren’t reliant on children’s joy for our entertainment. We spent as much in each other as the kids this year and that was fab too- I felt spoilt whereas normal we only do small things, and I was able to spend the day ‘playing’. I used to have very similar christmases to you, but now they are better, without it being a sulk/ miserable for anyone else.

Next year, remind your husband in plenty of time that he's in charge of gift buying/posting off etc. Never mention it again; no reminders. Cook an 'ordinary' lunch on Christmas Day. They either eat it, it they don't. It won't be the picture-perfect Christmas you want OP, but considerably less work for you.

I had lovely lovely childhood christmases. Everyone pitched in. I think that I wanted to recreate that for my family but they're just not into it are they.

Sadly, it doesn't seem as if they are.

I hope that you can all agree on what it would be good to do together so that you have the prospect of a good Christmas in 2020. I'd hope that they'll all feel more convivial if they've all agreed on what they want to do.

I think it’s time to stop doing everything. Do you do most of the housework too? If so, stop. Stop doing their washings, stop making their meals, don’t clean the bathrooms etc.

Next Christmas, let them sort themselves out. They seem very rude, rude lazy kids and rude lazy husband.