Well, we could have got a takeaway

[CatherineCawood]

After running around organising Christmas I got very cross on xmas day.

I'd done all the wife work in the lead up to xmas. I know I don't need to list it all here I'm sure you know what I mean. Plus I work 45ish hours in my job most weeks and bring in way more than 50% of the household income. As my hours and job role have changed as the kids have grown up I've tried to get the family to help out more. However, I just get accused of nagging. Then I lose it and get told you only had to ask. WTF?!?!

Anyway, we opened gifts round the tree at 12ish having dragged 2 teenagers out of their bedrooms. As soon as that was over they went back to their bedrooms leaving a complete mess in the lounge. DH said he felt ill so I suggested he went to have a lie down (he had a migraine on xmas eve so was still feeling it, he did however manage to put away a fair bit of booze on xmas eve at a party I said we should show our faces at for half an hour, I ended up having to drag him away at 10.30pm as the hosts wanted to go to bed! So it might have been a hangover really?)

I cooked lunch, set the table etc etc. DD is vegetarian and previously said she didn't want xmas dinner with a vegetarian protein, she wanted risotto instead.

I shouted that dinner was ready. DS came down in pjs so I asked him to go get dressed quickly. Christmas dinner to me should be nice and not eaten in pjs. I asked him to make sure that DH was awake and aware dinner was ready.

DD came down and I asked her for help to dish up the risotto and get some water and glasses for the table. She immediately moaned and huffed and puffed and kicked off. She could have cooked the risotto herself she is perfectly capable.

I had to shout up again to make sure DS was getting dressed. He has ADHD and gets easily distracted.

I then hear DH come out of his office door. He wasnt in bed but was on the computer.

I just lost it. Asked them why they thought it was ok to just leave me to do it all and then think it is ok to moan and sneer when asked to quickly do things so we could eat whilst the food was hot.

It was DH's response that sent me over the edge, "we could have got a take away". I don't want a takeaway for xmas lunch. We did it last year because the friends we were due to go to got norovirus xmas eve. We didn't have much food in as we were going away on Boxing Day.

I didn't want another takeaway this year. To me it isn't xmas lunch. We've done it once, admittedly this was a bit of a life ambition for DH so I thought he would be over it.

Is that an appropriate response to your wife?

Apparently if I want xmas lunch and things to be "nice" I need to do the work. They would be happy with a takeaway.

DD says I'm toxic. I've ruined xmas before by getting totally overwhelemed with everything. She wont spend another xmas here ever again. I ruined her childhood. She said we should spend xmas in a larger group which I had tried to do. Last few years we've spent xmas with another local family which I've loved. But both kids won't hang around there, they eat lunch and leave which I think is really rude and find a bit embarrassing when you've been invited for the day. They're not really friends with the other families kids, even though they are nice.

DS doesn't seem so bothered by the turn of events.

For me it wasn't really doing all the cooking myself that bothered me. I'm a perfectly capable cook and don't mind doing it. What really bothered me was that no one gave any thought to me and that I might want some company instead of spending 2+ hours on my own. House is 3 floors and everyone was on the top floor, I was on the lower ground floor. So miles away from everyone.

What do I do. Am in in the right/wrong or both? I think both to a degree. I shouldn't have lost it. But I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's my personality type. I cant do the put on a face type thing it's just not me. Am gutted. Truly gutted. I do feel like I spoilt it for everyone. But at the same time I'm fucking furious that they think it's ok to just leave me to do everything. Talking yesterday DH says I could have left all the gift buying to him. However he does his gift buying on xmas eve. Some stuff has to be posted overseas etc. He wouldn't do it in time. DS wanted a Nintendo DS 2xl he wouldn't have found one of those on xmas eve. They were out of stock everywhere 2 weeks ago.

I just feel like he has a smart answer for everything.

Why do I feel like such a bitch?

I asked DH what he wanted to do next year and he said I expect we will do the same as this year and have a shit time.

This is a really shitty thing for your husband to say.

Talking yesterday DH says I could have left all the gift buying to him. However he does his gift buying on xmas eve. Some stuff has to be posted overseas etc. He wouldn't do it in time. DS wanted a Nintendo DS 2xl he wouldn't have found one of those on xmas eve.

So? Your DH and DS are saying they're not bothered about Christmas. Leave them to it. If DS doesn't get his gift on the day, let's see if they're bothered then.

Tell them fine, and Easter this year is going to be a nothing day
You won't food shop or anything.
Then see how they feel.

I’d leave them all to it next year as well. Go out to a pub for lunch or visit some friends or family and return home in the evening or on Boxing Day.

How awful. I do all the work for Christmas too except cooking as we go out for that. It’s so bloody intense all day even if nothing is happening. I can’t bear it. And it’s not as easy as saying just don’t bother because it’s not nice then for you, is it? I can’t suggest a solution.

I am surprised by the number of posters calling OP family rude. Try seeing it from a different perspective it’s their Xmas too and they are being told how they should be having fun. They’re not rude they just want a chilled day that doesn’t run to a set timetable.

Don't be a martyr and miserable; go to your friend's next year then for a week. Why stay home with people who clearly will just berate you for wanting to spend time with them and wanting to eat a nice meal together. Leave them to manage for themselves, all of it, including food. And make it clear they can't blow the household budget by living on takeaways while you're away; that's not on. They can shop and cook for themselves.

It's rude not to at least appreciate all the work and effort that OP has clearly done, and not to lift a bloody finger to help, and then to be rude to her about it and insult her efforts to boot.

That's rude.

We all (often ten or more people) had to do Christmas for my mum from the age of 8 or so until mid twenties - treading on eggshells for at least 48 strictly planned out hours to give her her perfect Christmas whilst playing along with the idea she was doing it all for us. Nobody enjoyed it, including my mum who was horribly stressed and tied herself in knots - she cried or had a temper tantrum (usually both) every year and her catch phrase was "I just want everyone to be happy".

She genuinely did want everyone to be happy, but on her terms. Everyone being happily lazy eating cheese on toast and wearing old jeans and not hosting horrible creepy uncles and a reluctant elderly couple who often seemed to itching to get home, wasn't an option.

I did tell her one year when I was about 15 that we'd all be happy with cheese on toast and a stress free day but I genuinely didn't understand what on earth was worth the absolute pure stress she created in the name of a perfect Christmas. She flipped out of course, ranting about ingratitude and not being appreciated.

I also offered to do a roast chicken and roast potatoes, carrots and gravy for Christmas dinner which is easy and I'd happily stay home alone to cook and have on the table when she came home from church and other ritual visits she dragged us around on Christmas Day, but no - this was a personal insult and not accompanying her to church and the visits not an option... Everything had to happen as it was in her head...

I'm afraid I do understand where your family are coming from if they don't actually want the whole performance of Christmas dinner.

If they play along to make you happy that'd be much nicer of course, but I understand the frustration of having to pretend something is terribly hard and being done selflessly for you, and be terribly grateful about it, when actually the only person who wants the whole fuss is the martyr at the middle of it all.

I cook a simple Christmas dinner at home these days with no special rituals or dressing up and prefer it. Perhaps my children would prefer a big ritualistic fuss of course...

It's hard to get things right, but better to be honest about why you're doing things I think...
.

I think you need to discuss with your family how they want Christmas to go next year. What Christmas means to them. If the teens are just moody and monosyllabic then the adults get to decide the teens just have to put up with it.
Whatever you decide your DP has to contribute

I don’t feel sorry for people who want a ‘nice relaxed Christmas’ if they do nothing to achieve that. Clearly they are happy to be given presents. If they want a different kind of meal, they can sort it themselves and the OP could relax too. OP, your family don’t sound very kind. I’m sorry they have made you miserable. How about next year spending the morning at home doing presents etc and then heading off to your friend’s to celebrate and leaving them to chill by themselves? Oh, and be relaxed about presents too - see how much they value your efforts then.

Rather than thinking of your childhood Christmasses, why don't you start from the point of thinking about the good times your family has had together? It doesn't have to be Christmas stuff, but you can use that as a way to come up with ideas as a family for a happier Christmas. Involve everyone in the planning, and perhaps let your DH lead.

Sorry op but they all sound awful. Rude, selfish and totally inconsiderate. I wouldn't want to share a table with any of them for those reasons.

changed it’s rude to leave the living room in a mess with presents and paper, it’s rude not to help your mother set the table, it’s rude to stay in your office on your computer whilst your wife cooks dinner for everyone.

When those things are mentioned it’s rude to them moan and huff and puff at your mum or wife.

Ffs, I mean imagine being asked to put water and glasses on the table. Fucking hard life and check of their mother! Poor teens being tortured and treated like slaves.

You teens are just being teens. Your DH needs to step up and do some bloody work.

I understand where you are coming from. You put the effort in to make a special Christmas Day, buying presents, cooking food etc, and there’s no appreciation (or help).

I’d be furious at the takeaway comment as well.

Maybe next year book a meal out for Christmas lunch. A friend does this and says it’s reduced the stress.

Next year, give the DC money for Christmas.

Go have lunch and company with your friend.

Let DH and DCs find a takeaway that is open so they can organise that for their Christmas lunch.

Stop making such an effort when it's not appreciated.

Teens don't get dressed on xmas day, just accept it, and enjoy the lie ins that you missed when they were small and over excited.
If you're at home next year keep the dinner simple, and ask for help, someone can do veg and gravy, another can set the table etc. Build in time for yourself, either before or during xmas so it's not all chores.
Once this year has settled tell your family especially your DH how upset you were and that it cant happen again.

I think your expecting too much but I do get it. I would love a nice Christmas but it never really ends up how I expected it to be. I have now excepted that it’s never going to happen so we now stay home and stay in PJ’s. I’m a single mum with 2 teens, one loves Christmas but has ASD and struggles going anywhere, the eldest would happily stay in her room all day and eat fish fingers for lunch. I have stopped planning and expecting things to be amazing, we all eat what we like, wear what we like and do what we like.

I feel for you op. A lot of us have been there. My advice for next year is scale it down and lower your expectations. Your daughter can either eat a roast with no meat or starve.
I'm veggie and I just ate the veg with loads of roasters, Paxo stuffing and veggie gravy. It was delicious.

My dc 19 and 21 wouldn't help put our tree up, so I thought sod it we didn't put the tree or any decorations up this year🤷🏻‍♀️. I refuse to do it all. My 19 refused to get out of bed so my other dc and on just got on with our morning, had breakfast and opened our presents. I just carried on. Thing is I remember being a stroppy teenager and it's part of the course unfortunately that most of them ruin Xmas at some point.

Ah OP I really feel for you especially after all the effort you put in for your family. Next year either go to your friends on your own and leave them to organise their takeaway or whatever or go away on your own or with a single friend who might want to escape their own family.

I think you are NOT being unreasonable.
Now this might be frowned upon - but if I were you.... I would book myself into a hotel that does CHRISTMAS next year - as a gift to yourself. Leave them to have the Christmas they want / get around to doing.
When you go - switch off your phone /email - leave it the car. And ENJOY what you want to do at Christmas- and but yourself your own present.
Bet they change their tune. But make sure you have them sign a contract promising they will do the shopping etc - then you can rub their ungrateful faces in it, when they inevitably fail to ‘do’ Christmas stuff themselves.

Stop forcing it, OP. If they prefer a takeaway, tell your dh to get one, stick it in the freezer, he is responsible for it on the day. If he forgets, don’t remind him. If the kids don’t want to get dressed, why make them? What difference does it make if they’re dressed or in pjs? You’re being persuaded by the unrealistic bollocks on TV surrounding the ‘perfect’ Christmas Day. Newsflash-there isn’t such a thing! You just do what suits your family. If that’s a takeaway and pjs, then so be it. Stop frustrating yourself.

I think your family are making it very clear that they are not bothered about a 'traditional'. instagrammable Christmas - whether that is because they really don't find any of it appealing, or because you get so stressed out by trying to make it 'perfect'. As PP have said, next year, tell them early on that you're not going to bother as no one is interested except you; everyone can pick either a ready meal or a takeaway, you can give each other vouchers and just have a nice day off from everything. There is no point in doing all the Christmas work when no one actually likes or wants the results, just to be 'normal'.

i would also want them to learn now though. so dont cook for the rest of the week apart from yourself,pick up after yourself. then "well you can see what i do,see if you really like it when i do sweet fa.and you can have takeaways for your meals right?"
i do wonder how the atmosphere is if your dd is saying things like this though.it doesnt sound like just out of the blue grumpy teenage speak,she was very specific.so i do think there is something more going on with your emotions. and theirs. im still not saying your at fault but with you saying you wear your heart on your sleeves.and what she said.maybe something worth exploring.
next year cook for one.nice little turkey crown or thigh joint.sorted.
or go to family or to a nice gathering at a pub or eatery.
whatevers happened,im sorry youve had a toigh time.whoever is it fault its never nice to feel this way especially at this time of year.