Well, we could have got a takeaway

[CatherineCawood]

After running around organising Christmas I got very cross on xmas day.

I'd done all the wife work in the lead up to xmas. I know I don't need to list it all here I'm sure you know what I mean. Plus I work 45ish hours in my job most weeks and bring in way more than 50% of the household income. As my hours and job role have changed as the kids have grown up I've tried to get the family to help out more. However, I just get accused of nagging. Then I lose it and get told you only had to ask. WTF?!?!

Anyway, we opened gifts round the tree at 12ish having dragged 2 teenagers out of their bedrooms. As soon as that was over they went back to their bedrooms leaving a complete mess in the lounge. DH said he felt ill so I suggested he went to have a lie down (he had a migraine on xmas eve so was still feeling it, he did however manage to put away a fair bit of booze on xmas eve at a party I said we should show our faces at for half an hour, I ended up having to drag him away at 10.30pm as the hosts wanted to go to bed! So it might have been a hangover really?)

I cooked lunch, set the table etc etc. DD is vegetarian and previously said she didn't want xmas dinner with a vegetarian protein, she wanted risotto instead.

I shouted that dinner was ready. DS came down in pjs so I asked him to go get dressed quickly. Christmas dinner to me should be nice and not eaten in pjs. I asked him to make sure that DH was awake and aware dinner was ready.

DD came down and I asked her for help to dish up the risotto and get some water and glasses for the table. She immediately moaned and huffed and puffed and kicked off. She could have cooked the risotto herself she is perfectly capable.

I had to shout up again to make sure DS was getting dressed. He has ADHD and gets easily distracted.

I then hear DH come out of his office door. He wasnt in bed but was on the computer.

I just lost it. Asked them why they thought it was ok to just leave me to do it all and then think it is ok to moan and sneer when asked to quickly do things so we could eat whilst the food was hot.

It was DH's response that sent me over the edge, "we could have got a take away". I don't want a takeaway for xmas lunch. We did it last year because the friends we were due to go to got norovirus xmas eve. We didn't have much food in as we were going away on Boxing Day.

I didn't want another takeaway this year. To me it isn't xmas lunch. We've done it once, admittedly this was a bit of a life ambition for DH so I thought he would be over it.

Is that an appropriate response to your wife?

Apparently if I want xmas lunch and things to be "nice" I need to do the work. They would be happy with a takeaway.

DD says I'm toxic. I've ruined xmas before by getting totally overwhelemed with everything. She wont spend another xmas here ever again. I ruined her childhood. She said we should spend xmas in a larger group which I had tried to do. Last few years we've spent xmas with another local family which I've loved. But both kids won't hang around there, they eat lunch and leave which I think is really rude and find a bit embarrassing when you've been invited for the day. They're not really friends with the other families kids, even though they are nice.

DS doesn't seem so bothered by the turn of events.

For me it wasn't really doing all the cooking myself that bothered me. I'm a perfectly capable cook and don't mind doing it. What really bothered me was that no one gave any thought to me and that I might want some company instead of spending 2+ hours on my own. House is 3 floors and everyone was on the top floor, I was on the lower ground floor. So miles away from everyone.

What do I do. Am in in the right/wrong or both? I think both to a degree. I shouldn't have lost it. But I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's my personality type. I cant do the put on a face type thing it's just not me. Am gutted. Truly gutted. I do feel like I spoilt it for everyone. But at the same time I'm fucking furious that they think it's ok to just leave me to do everything. Talking yesterday DH says I could have left all the gift buying to him. However he does his gift buying on xmas eve. Some stuff has to be posted overseas etc. He wouldn't do it in time. DS wanted a Nintendo DS 2xl he wouldn't have found one of those on xmas eve. They were out of stock everywhere 2 weeks ago.

I just feel like he has a smart answer for everything.

Why do I feel like such a bitch?

I wouldn’t stress about the pjs, its their day as well and if they want to spend it in pjs then let them. But, the meal is a big issue. If you want the works, then just do it for yourself and your ds if he likes it next year and let the others fend for themselves. If dd wants to cook her own risotto, let her, if dh wants takeaway, let him order it. Let them know before hand that this is what is happening and just do it. They might decide that actually, they want the big dinner the next year.

I would sit everyone down now, while its fresh in everyones minds, and see what they want from their day, and go from there.

Is this their usual attitude?
You can’t expect an unhelpful and grumpy dh and dcs to suddenly become helpful and cheerful just because it’s Christmas.
You’ll need to start raising expectations from now.
Once they realise that everyone chips in every day then it won’t be so unexpected when Christmas or any other occasion comes round.

I find your dh’s attitude so sad. He’s already expecting a rubbish Christmas next year. What is going on in your house? Is it his misery that ripples out to everyone else? Or your stress?
Figure it out then change it.

I lost it with mine on Boxing Day. Been cooking all day and wasnt even very well (cystitis). When everyone had eaten and all the food was just sitting there I announced I was going to put food away and no one moved to help me. My DD never offers to do anything food wise and my sister comes to me every year never offers to do anything at hers. I think next year I'll just get a takeaway and leave them all to it. Xmas doesn't just "happen" it takes someone's hard work and effort!! About time it was appreciated!!

I asked DH what he wanted to do next year and he said I expect we will do the same as this year and have a shit time

I do hope you told him to go fuck himself.

Since when do kids and teens get to dictate Christmas? It's a privilege to be cooked a nice lunch and given gifts, not a right. They should be grateful to have a family who makes the effort and cares enough. No way would I have gotten away with that shit growing up. I can't imagine my mum cooking all day and buying me gifts and having the balls to be anything but grateful, never mind turning around and saying it wasn't my idea of Christmas!

Maybe your vision of the day and how it should play out is different from theirs.. you seem to have put lot of pressure on yourself.... next year talk to each other about what all of you want to do on the day... maybe your lads ideal day is spending it in pjs... maybe your lass wants a takeaway... each pick something you want from the day and compromise... and then when you have agreed a day that suits you all divvy up the jobs.
Let him do the pressies and let the kids know hes responsible . then forget it ..leave him to it dont try to take control if you think the pressies wont arrive just let go.
Dont let this ruin the rest of the christmas time...move on maybe have a takeaway day in pjs on new years day ...

Remember it's not that big a deal...every family has fallouts at Christmas whatever their insta page would have you think

I feel for you, I really do. You took everything on by yourself...and it's gone pear shaped. But...I am also wondering if you are a bit of a perfectionist, looking for that John Lewis ad day. And they didn't play ball. Nobody else has contributed at all...it's a passive aggressive revolution. There are also hints in your mail that there's no teamwork between you and your OH. Are the kids avoiding an atmosphere or constant bickering between you two? He offered to share but you didn't trust him. Why was that?
As a first step have a discussion with your OH. If you, as a couple can come to a compromise them maybe you might have a basis to work from. A meal out, a picnic, a takeaway, it doesn't matter. Try a Sunday brunch together and test ideas out with the kids.What does matter is that it's something that everyone can deal with...and maybe even enjoy a little. Ask everyone for one thing they want from family occasions....and one thing they're not keen on.

Good luck and have a hug from here.

I really feel for you as the run up to Christmas is frantic enough. Teenagers have enough free time to while away the hours on their phones, so giving Mum a few hours of what she wants on Christmas Day is not an unreasonable request. Being a teenager is no excuse for not thinking of others, especially on Christmas Day. Maybe start dishing out a few more household jobs for all the family throughout the year, so they all have a greater appreciation of the team effort required to run a home. They may not do things exactly how you'd do them, but it'll be better than you doing it all yourself. And limit the Christmas gifts next year if the family aren't prepared to engage in the whole Christmas package. They can't have it all their own way. I do hope you find a solution. Best of luck.

I would 100% book myself into a fabulous Christmassy hotel next year. One Christmas away from your family will be absolutely worth the message it sends for the next 20 years.
For the next few weeks, I would only cook anything for myself. Single steak. Single piece of salmon. Everyone can get takeaway. Which I would say cheerfully over and over: Oh I thought you could get takeaway, this way everyone’s happy.
And I would quietly point out to my dh that as the Dcs other parent, he’d done fuck all to make them have a happy Christmas and if ty they don’t actually want take away for weeks he can step up. And he should make some notes in his diary as I would be away next Christmas so he was running the show to give dc a good day.

Well, save up now for a Christmas holiday next year. Just for you. Tell your husband and kids they can do what they like, eat what they like but it is up to them. You won't be there.

We all got the Christmas we wanted. Saw the family we wanted. I did no cooking, the tiniest amount of cleaning. I did do the gift shopping though. It's about finding the balance. Everyone does their bit. But you need to want the same thing

Why wait for next Christmas? You could do something for yourself over New Year and leave them all to fend for themselves.