MIL and my toddler

[Diorissimo1985]

We are going to spend Christmas with DH’s family next week and I’m worrying about MIL and SIL already - there is something about how they speak to me around DD which I find a bit odd. It’s like they try to isolate me from my daughter and I find it pretty confusing behaviour.

For context we see them 2-3 times a year as we live very far away. MIL is 60 and SIL is 25. SIL doesn’t live at home.

If there is a situation where I tell DD no, or says she can’t have something, MIL always says to DD that Aunt Jen would let you have that/play with that/eat that. E.g. “mummy won’t let you have another biscuit? You go and as Aunt Jen, she’ll give you one. Mummy is mean isn’t she”

Another example, DD (2) was sitting on my knee playing with the contents of my handbag and pulls out a lipstick and tries to draw all over my face. I said “no we don’t draw on people’s faces” and took it from her. MIL says to DD “Aunt Jen would always let you do that, mummy is no fun is she”

MIL also always does seating plans for meals at home (not formal place cards but tells everyone where they should sit) and puts DD’s high chair next to SIL and me and DH at the other end of the table. She says it’s because SIL will want to sit next to DD (SIL does indeed want to do this).
DD doesn’t like this as she’s not that familiar with SIL especially, and cries to get out and climbs on me or DH’s knee.

It sounds mild but it’s hard to put my finger on. It’s like MIL wants DD to think of me as a strict disciplinarian and that her own daughter is preferred by DD.

To be clear I don’t mind DD spending time with any relatives and want her to know them all as she’s grows up. DH has lots of siblings and cousins and I think DD is lucky to have a big family.

Does anyone know why MIL could say things like this and the point she’s trying to make? What should I say in these situations?

I guess SIL doesn’t have children? Is MIL just trying to make her “fun” Aunt? In the situations you’ve mentioned I would probably either say “it’s funny, you often seem to make out that I’m the bad guy here, and it makes me feel a bit weird - DD will love Aunty Jen whether she gives her a biscuit or not”

Equally it doesn’t overly matter in the long term, as your daughter gets older she’ll form her own impressions. My in laws and parents are all different with my two boys but they all love each other and just accept the differences. It only seems to be when children are very young that people try to buy their love with treats and presents, it calms down once they get older.

What does your DH say about this? Surely he’s noticed?
Tell him to have a word in any case, and tell him you and your DD will be staying away until this behaviour stops. Don’t pussyfoot around and say “It looks as if...” etc. This behaviour is clearly happening and is unacceptable. Nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

Equally - don’t get me wrong, I would be inwardly fuming and being referred to as no fun.

But actually I am quite strict and do refer to myself as the fun police sometimes when I won’t let them eat between meals etc. So I might say “oh actually she can’t have a biscuit now because she won’t eat her lunch, but Jen can give her one after lunch”.

My MIL went through this hideously annoying phase when my eldest was about 2 and being a nightmare - she would say “oh I don’t mind” when he would pull her hair or do other bloody awful things that we were being super strict on. In the end my DH spoke to her and said how confusing it was for him and she stopped. She is nice though and just didn’t want to tell him off.

It doesn't matter why your MIL does and says what she does and says - it makes you and your DD uncomfortable and its inappropriate

Your have a couple of choices
ask your DH to say something - although if he hasn't said anything already, he's unlikely to step up if asked

tell her yourself , eg "I'll sit next to DD as she's at a funny stage of the moment" and then sit down next to her. And don't move

Regarding saying that your mean - well depends how confident you feel and how happy you are to assert yourself, but something along the lines of "That's out of order MIL - I'm her Mum and it's not nice / appropriate to call me mean or no fun". Or you could turn it around and joking say "Oo just listen Granny thinks I'm mean, well we think she's silly for saying that don't we?"
Stand up for yourself !

It doesn't sound 'mild' or 'a bit odd' - it sounds awful! She's completely undermining you. My MIL used to be quite a bit like this when my kids were small so I know how awful it is. I also know that it's very difficult to challenge.

I think you'll just have to be more assertive. If she seats you separately, just move dd to be near you, or nip in quick to sit next to her. If she takes issue just respond with a breezy "I'm fine here thanks" and change the subject.

When she says Aunt Jen would let you do that say something like, "well that would be very silly if Aunt Jen". If she comments on you being 'mean', I'd probably bring out the raised eyebrow and say something about having your dd's best interests at heart and wanting to make sure she knows how to behave well / eat healthily etc.

Okay thanks everyone - good to get others’ opinions!
DH says to her “don’t call her mean” etc to MIL but it has made no difference.

Another thing is that at family gatherings (we were all at a wedding in the summer) - SIL sulks and complains to MIL if she thinks she doesn’t get DD on her own enough.
E.g. MIL came up to me and said “Jen is very sad she’s not had any time with DD today” - we were at a large wedding so we were speaking to lots of people!
I just find it strange MIL speaks on behalf of SIL.

MIL has also says things like “Jen says your DD is so beautiful, she cannot imagine how you can go out to work and leave her. If it were her she would be a SAHM”.

It’s a weird dynamic and hard to describe but I feel so awkward

I'd go and talk to Jen. Mil has said your sad about this. How can we resolve it. Bat it right back to her. It'll turn out that Jen hasn't said anything of the sort and actually doesn't like kids.
Or if it's only a couple of times a year ignore the wierd behavior and see if it improves. Once kids get talking and thinking for themselves they will lose interest.

I think you just need to be firm. "DD will be happier next to us at the table" and move her if necessary.

I have to admit I'd find the constant undermining very annoying.

I think it’s time you just roll your eyes and say “Baby says it’s very weird when mothers constantly talk for their children”. And walk away...

Jen is very sad she’s not had any time with DD today

This is really weird. Does SIL actually take the time to come and visit you herself if she loves your DD so much? As a PP said, all this probably has very little to do with her.

The trying to make you feel guilty for going to work is completely out of order. This doesn’t need a gentle and diplomatic plea for reasonableness now - you’ve tried that. This is a true “Fuck off” moment, though perhaps you should put it slightly less bluntly than that. Perhaps.
Your MIL is a bully.

Jen says your DD is so beautiful, she cannot imagine how you can go out to work and leave her. If it were her she would be a SAHM”.

How do you respond to comments like that? Do you say something like, "well that's quite hurtful. How would she expect to pay the bills?"

It sounds like MIL is desperate for SIL to become pregnant and is almost using your DD as ' proof' that SIL will be fabulous with a child of her own. I imagine the moment SIL announces her pregnancy they won't be the slightest bit interested in your DD

She's only seen them a handful of times then. Let it go.

I think some MILs can get very protective of their own daughters if they sense they feel inadequate in comparison to the DIL and so try to 'big' them up. For example, once I bought some new outfits for myself and my MIL said to my SIL (without asking me first) 'you can borrow them whenever you like, they'll look good on you'. I'm not sure what causes this behaviour, perhaps they subconsciously measure up their own daughter to their DIL or perhaps they sense some envy on the SIL's part (DB is moving on with life, having kids etc.) and don't want them to feel left out?

They both sound awful. It does need to stop or you're going to end up not going at all one day.
It doesn't sound mild to me. It sounds rude.
You and your DH need to be much clearer. It does sound as though Mil is sorry for Sil but that is no excuse for treating you like that. And does she say to your dh that he should 'stay at home'? Thought not, completely sexist.

This is weird and annoying behaviour.
When mil speaks on behalf of sil, ask her why sil doesn’t talk to you herself.
Stand up for yourself and more importantly, your dd. There’s no reason why your sil cannot sit on one side of your dd and you on the other. It would help your dd feel safer with her.
As for the comments, ask her why she feels the need to be unpleasant.

Maybe you could have a prepared stock answer for some of these comments like 'how odd' accompanied by the infamous MN head tilt. And then a change of subject.

Don't talk about me to my child like that it's undermining and inappropriate. Repeat ad infinitum.

Insist the high chair is next to you so your DD is comfortable.

I'm very blunt though. I'd not tolerate all the passive little digs. I'd just ask what the problem is and tell them to stop doing it. Whenever MIL says Jen would do X just say well she's welcome to with her own child but not mine!

If you keep pussy footing around them they will just up the ante. It is an unhealthy dynamic one which you don't want to fuel by not saying anything.

Re: the high chair at the table, I'd just move it next to my seat, if anyone kicked off about it there would be no more meals at MIL's!

They sound weird and sil sounds like a spoilt child.

It sounds like your mil is trying to develop a closer relationship between your DD and sil but as she doesn’t see her enough for it to develop on its own she’s trying to do it your expense.
I’d pull her up on it each time; just lightly but so she knows it’s not fair on you. Something like “what do you mean by that” type thing to challenge her a bit.

Okay I think I need to be more assertive. It’s hard though as we are her house guests for a week with no where else to go! I know that me speaking up will cause an atmosphere.

It just seems totally bonkers and like they would prefer me not to be there! But I do get the feeling that as soon as there are more grandchildren, they will lose interest in DD.

I will talk to DH tonight and come up with some good responses for when the inevitable comments start. DH always defends me but last time he called MIL out on one of her strange comments she burst in to tears and didn’t speak to us for hours

Perhaps a simple “what do you mean by that” would work?

A friend suggested repeating back what she says, rather than responding properly

I agree with a PP I would just say "DD is better sitting next to us" and then just take a seat next to the high chair.

About her saying you are mean could you say to DD " we know mummy just wants what's best for you, I dont think nanny understands "

Or just outright say it's not a great move to say derogatory things about me in front of my daughter, I would hate her to think name calling is acceptable

I definitely wouldn't need my DH standing up for me further, he is already trying to minimise it, deal with it direct with MIL I think.