MIL and my toddler

[Diorissimo1985]

We are going to spend Christmas with DH’s family next week and I’m worrying about MIL and SIL already - there is something about how they speak to me around DD which I find a bit odd. It’s like they try to isolate me from my daughter and I find it pretty confusing behaviour.

For context we see them 2-3 times a year as we live very far away. MIL is 60 and SIL is 25. SIL doesn’t live at home.

If there is a situation where I tell DD no, or says she can’t have something, MIL always says to DD that Aunt Jen would let you have that/play with that/eat that. E.g. “mummy won’t let you have another biscuit? You go and as Aunt Jen, she’ll give you one. Mummy is mean isn’t she”

Another example, DD (2) was sitting on my knee playing with the contents of my handbag and pulls out a lipstick and tries to draw all over my face. I said “no we don’t draw on people’s faces” and took it from her. MIL says to DD “Aunt Jen would always let you do that, mummy is no fun is she”

MIL also always does seating plans for meals at home (not formal place cards but tells everyone where they should sit) and puts DD’s high chair next to SIL and me and DH at the other end of the table. She says it’s because SIL will want to sit next to DD (SIL does indeed want to do this).
DD doesn’t like this as she’s not that familiar with SIL especially, and cries to get out and climbs on me or DH’s knee.

It sounds mild but it’s hard to put my finger on. It’s like MIL wants DD to think of me as a strict disciplinarian and that her own daughter is preferred by DD.

To be clear I don’t mind DD spending time with any relatives and want her to know them all as she’s grows up. DH has lots of siblings and cousins and I think DD is lucky to have a big family.

Does anyone know why MIL could say things like this and the point she’s trying to make? What should I say in these situations?

So that was a rather heated (horrible) exchange! Hysterical tears from both of them and accusations that I keep DD to myself and that I’m an overprotective mother I asked how MIL would like it if her own MIL treated her how she treats me. She didn’t know what to say.

We are now getting the silent treatment but they’re leaving DD alone. We’re going out for the day so we shall see what it’s like tonight.

We are staying the rest of the week, there are lots of other relatives here and still to come. Feeling pretty low about it all and wishing things were better. Other people’s families all seem so harmonious!

Oh they’re not @diorissimo.

But if MIL and SIL are causing distress or harm to your DD you have to step in. You can’t teach her people are allowed to override your boundaries and her safety.

At least you stood up for yourself and your dd. Well done. They will get over it in time and it might make them think about their behaviour.

Feeling pretty low about it all

Well, don’t. You’ve finally stood up to them. Good on you. All this hysterical crying behaviour coming from adults is rather pathetic. Treat them with the contempt they deserve and keep putting the boundaries in place. At the end of the day, somebody will be upset. Do you want it to be you and your DD or two adults who have never given a toss about your feelings?

I know this behaviour is wholly unacceptable and rude your mil needs to back off.
Your SIL is 25 though, can I ask a question?
Is there any chance she’s been diagnosed with PCOS? Or any other child limiting issue?
It sounds like MIL is compensating for something SIL wants but doesn’t have. Trying to help include her fully in my wee ting aspect while coming off pushy and rude.

I don’t know how parenting became my wee ting

But that should say parenting aspect

My family did this my sister has no children when my daughter was little people kept trying to pass her to aunt I would take her back because she screamed apparently that's me being possessive 🤔 when she was 7 I was Ill over Christmas they took dd to the familys for a bit so she had a Christmas not hearing me on the loo all day apparently my sis was WONDERFUL dd behaved SO WELL for her she made SUCH A GOOD MUMMY (for a couple of hours) I was ill I demanded to know if they thought my daughter was such a little shit regularly why did they take her they backpeddled massively even my aunt said to my mum larer really? Dd always behaves well? Dd told my aunt she needed to get back home to look after me and my nan was very thankful I was back taking care of her instead of my mom and my sister they were like a comedy act no idea what they were doing 😂🤷‍♀️

I know it is horrible when the people you are talking too cry (my mother is an expert at turning on the tears when being told something she doesn't want to hear), but you needed to put a boundary in place and now you have done so. It may be a bit awkward for a while, but hopefully now it is done and you can all move on from it in a better way.

Well done for confronting them and a big slap on the back for DH for doing it with you – makes a change on MN, as in-laws issues usually boil down to it being a DH issue! If they continue giving you the silent treatment make plans to go home early. They've brought this on themselves.

They are overstepping the mark and being completely rude, obviously. However I do think there are 2 sides to every story and it sounds to me like every single time they try to spend any time with your child that they are being denied it.
What is honestly wrong with her high chair being next to you AND her aunt? If she wants to get down and sit with her dad then she can. No damage. She is never going to be able to build a relationship with them if they aren't given the chance. It sounds like everything has built up on both sides and now they are rolling their eyes because they feel like they can't spend any time with their neice/ grandchild.

I think if you have to come back, next time, book an AirBnB so you can escape. I’m glad your dh spoke to his sister. Perhaps they’ll realise that they’re being batshit, which I really think they are! They sound unhinged, quite frankly.

I think I would tell MIL and SIL "if SIL wants to mother someone she needs to get pregnant, suffer the discomfit of morning sickness and the birth. She can't opt out of all that and take over my child."
If that upsets them, tough titties, she is your daughter, raise her your way and when they say things to undermine you tell your DS aren't Nanna and aunty silly! we don't do that do we.

I hope things are a lot better for you tonight, stick to your guns and don't let them get you down x

Well done for saying something. I hope things calm down. If they don't, go home and they can explain to the visiting family why you've left.

Hope you've had a good Christmas day OP

Why are you subjecting you're child to this? Just leave!

your

Thanks Ginandlemonade hope you did too

How's today been?

I hope it’s gone better for the last couple of days. Beginning to stand up to them and getting your DH on side is a great move.

If it happens twice a year then just rise above it. Not worth wasting emotional energy on it.

@BertrandRussell did you miss the part where the child has started waking crying and become more clingy since arriving with the in laws then?

The child is distressed. "Rising above it" potentially works as a strong rational adult, not as a toddler/baby/child.

I would be nc with them both by now they sound really unstable.

I wouldn't put my dc through this. Just leave. They're batshit.