MIL and my toddler

[Diorissimo1985]

We are going to spend Christmas with DH’s family next week and I’m worrying about MIL and SIL already - there is something about how they speak to me around DD which I find a bit odd. It’s like they try to isolate me from my daughter and I find it pretty confusing behaviour.

For context we see them 2-3 times a year as we live very far away. MIL is 60 and SIL is 25. SIL doesn’t live at home.

If there is a situation where I tell DD no, or says she can’t have something, MIL always says to DD that Aunt Jen would let you have that/play with that/eat that. E.g. “mummy won’t let you have another biscuit? You go and as Aunt Jen, she’ll give you one. Mummy is mean isn’t she”

Another example, DD (2) was sitting on my knee playing with the contents of my handbag and pulls out a lipstick and tries to draw all over my face. I said “no we don’t draw on people’s faces” and took it from her. MIL says to DD “Aunt Jen would always let you do that, mummy is no fun is she”

MIL also always does seating plans for meals at home (not formal place cards but tells everyone where they should sit) and puts DD’s high chair next to SIL and me and DH at the other end of the table. She says it’s because SIL will want to sit next to DD (SIL does indeed want to do this).
DD doesn’t like this as she’s not that familiar with SIL especially, and cries to get out and climbs on me or DH’s knee.

It sounds mild but it’s hard to put my finger on. It’s like MIL wants DD to think of me as a strict disciplinarian and that her own daughter is preferred by DD.

To be clear I don’t mind DD spending time with any relatives and want her to know them all as she’s grows up. DH has lots of siblings and cousins and I think DD is lucky to have a big family.

Does anyone know why MIL could say things like this and the point she’s trying to make? What should I say in these situations?

They are undermining you constantly op it is subtle bullying and cruel.

Stop being so accomodating, she is your DD.

I would refuse to be seperated from her at mealtimes, carry her and DON'T hand her over, say' where would you like DD and l to sit together ?, once she tries to seperate you, say 'sorry that doesn't work for us we will sit together' it is such a special day for us , sil can sit on her other side if DH doesn't mind.....smile but don't budge, take that seat next to your DD and start chatting and ignore the daggers.

Don't ignorre the comments, say something like, ' l am sure you didn't mean to be rude MIL, but that is how it comes across, and just stare at her. EVERY TIME.

YOU don't have to put up with this, and shouldn't be bullied by MIL.

Do what you have to do to get through this, if you feel you can’t leave today.
Tell your dh that you’re not doing this again as it’s so awful then just call them out every time.
Ask your sil why she always seems angry.
Ask your Mil why she’s always rude to you when you’ve been completely civil and pleasant.
Tell them what is going to happen with regards to dd and where she sits or if she goes out with everyone for coffee or not.
You can do this whilst still remaining civil and pleasant.

Thanks everyone - I was half expecting lots of replies saying “typical! Denying a child contact with extended family! Let DD spend time with her DGM and DA!’

Terrible night with DD, she kept waking up crying and ended up in our bed which never usually happens. Feel extra awful this morning!

To be honest I feel that packing up and leaving would be giving in. I want to stay and stand up to these maniacs (and I don’t use that word lightly!). Thankfully we are going out later to visit some old friends but obviously here all Xmas/Boxing Day.

Today, MIL has said to me to send DD in to her bed in the morning to open her stocking. I replied ‘no, she’s opening it in our bed’ and MIL rolled her eyes and laughed at SIL as If to say ‘what a control freak!’

"packing up and leaving would be giving in" - the international motto of doormats

This sort of thing really annoys me. What the parents say goes. I hate it when in laws over ride parents.

I get it the other way round - my in laws are sticker than me. It drives me bonkers.

I give Ds a sweet, they say not until dinner. More difficult my way round because they are right.

Never, never underestimate the damage a mentally unstable, controlling granny or aunty can have on a small child.
I have very real, personal reasons for saying this and I think you need to protect your dd from these people. Especially as your dh is too weak to protect her himself.

CalmDownJanet ha ... CalmDownJanet. I’ve said we are not leaving, no need to be like that

Why are you spending time with these people?

You are already seeing the signs of psychological distress in your child.

You need to go home today!
You’re allowing them to do this to you and your daughter.
Why won’t you/ can’t you stand up to them?
Your poor daughter is distraught enough to need to sleep with you because it appears to be the only time she’s allowed to be in your company. That’s not right.

Your ds is unsettled and upset because this woman who she has no recollection of keeps removing her from her mum.

Seriously go home. This all sounds like it’s gearing up towards an almighty row

There won’t be a row as I’m not going to lose my temper in front of DD (MIL will flip out though) but I’m going to set out what is unacceptable. DH has gone to speak to SIL separately on her own.

They sound like horrible bullies. I would also be packing my bags. As if a 2 yo would open their stocking in another bed. You sound very calm for the circumstances. I imagine it be in a rage and telling dh to sort it.

You are a better woman than me OP ...Nothing on gods earth would keep me or my child in that situation....

I would call them out every time
DD stays with me, she is not a doll to be played with or passed round
It's very rude to roll your eyes like that
Fuck off
Sorry, not the last one. That is 😶 just for in your head

Why not leave? What is to be gained from staying there?

The MIL and SIL sound dangerous and very damaging. I would start packing and whilst doing it tell the to read this thread on MN. Throw them the grenade.

Burn the bridges. I promise you will be much happier if you do.

I would just leave.

Telling them that their behaviour is out of order and as a result you are going home is standing up for yourself and setting boundaries.
If f you stay everyone is going to have a miserable Christmas

Why on earth would you stay somewhere so miserable? Christmas shouldn’t be something to be endured. They don’t give a fuck about your feelings, why are you so worried about theirs?

You’re an adult and a parent now, time to stand up for yourself.

Refusing to leave because you're being stoic is not stoic, it's spineless.

Your child is distressed

Your mil and sil treat your child like a toy

Grow a spine and protect your child. Fuck the in laws, it's only three times a year so you'll not notice the absence.

Protect your child

This is so weird. DD will probably end up scared of them!

I wonder if they were going into her at nighttime and disturbing her?

Seriously leave! You’ll have a better time at home and you can get the basics from the fully stocked shops as everyone prepares orders. You’ll not enjoy a second and you can facilitate your DD knowing wider family. I wished we had done this with ours

Seriously by staying you are giving in, by leaving you are not giving in. You are protecting your daughter and not causing her damage.

How did DH/SIl conversation go?

I would leave. I have family members who can be dicks, but their behaviour tends to be snide comments directed at adults, so the kids don't notice and I let it go. In this case, however, they're causing your child actual distress