MIL and my toddler

[Diorissimo1985]

We are going to spend Christmas with DH’s family next week and I’m worrying about MIL and SIL already - there is something about how they speak to me around DD which I find a bit odd. It’s like they try to isolate me from my daughter and I find it pretty confusing behaviour.

For context we see them 2-3 times a year as we live very far away. MIL is 60 and SIL is 25. SIL doesn’t live at home.

If there is a situation where I tell DD no, or says she can’t have something, MIL always says to DD that Aunt Jen would let you have that/play with that/eat that. E.g. “mummy won’t let you have another biscuit? You go and as Aunt Jen, she’ll give you one. Mummy is mean isn’t she”

Another example, DD (2) was sitting on my knee playing with the contents of my handbag and pulls out a lipstick and tries to draw all over my face. I said “no we don’t draw on people’s faces” and took it from her. MIL says to DD “Aunt Jen would always let you do that, mummy is no fun is she”

MIL also always does seating plans for meals at home (not formal place cards but tells everyone where they should sit) and puts DD’s high chair next to SIL and me and DH at the other end of the table. She says it’s because SIL will want to sit next to DD (SIL does indeed want to do this).
DD doesn’t like this as she’s not that familiar with SIL especially, and cries to get out and climbs on me or DH’s knee.

It sounds mild but it’s hard to put my finger on. It’s like MIL wants DD to think of me as a strict disciplinarian and that her own daughter is preferred by DD.

To be clear I don’t mind DD spending time with any relatives and want her to know them all as she’s grows up. DH has lots of siblings and cousins and I think DD is lucky to have a big family.

Does anyone know why MIL could say things like this and the point she’s trying to make? What should I say in these situations?

I'd ignore it- your DD isn't going to be influenced by people she sees so rarely.

Stick to your guns about what actually happens- no biscuits until she's had some proper food/DD sits between me and DH so we can help her with her food.

Well if anyone was interested in an update (!) we’re currently at MIL’s and it’s horrible

It has all become very weird with SIL now, and she is near obsessed with DD, insisting she holds her hand, cuddling her, taking her out the room to play just the two of them. DD is all a bit as she had no memory of ever meeting this woman.

Meanwhile SIL looks incredibly angry and throws me thunderous looks if I speak to DD whilst they’re playing or even sit near them. I am not sure what I’ve done to deserve this treatment.

MIL also keeps telling me SIL will do everything for DD e.g give DD her bath (DD would totally freak if anyone but me washed her hair, she even hates DH doing it), and keeps announcing what they’re doing with DD this week e.g ‘kidnapping her to go for coffee’.

I feel undermined and excluded, and I don’t know why I’m getting the anger from SIL. Not feeling festive at all...

Honestly, I would just pack up and go home. Life is too short.

I’m so sorry. This is awful - I hope you’ve got some sleep.
Can you go home/try and find a travelodge. (Oddly both our local premier inn and TL have lots of room)

I would love that however the fall out would be astronomical. For example, someone once asked MIL for second helpings of breakfast and she burst in to angry tears and went off in a huff for hours because she thought it was a personal attack on her cooking / not cooking enough (she hadn’t). This is not a reasonable woman.

MIL sounds very unstable and SIL sounds extremely unwell. I wouldn't let either of them out of your sight with DD.
It sounds like the plot of a really sinister novel tbh.

I need to think of sensible coping mechanisms. What phrases are good in this kind of situation? I want to come across as not a doormat but still nice (and therefore the most normal in this bizarre household set up)

Why do you want these people in your lives?
Does your DH think this is acceptable?

Be blunt. Your daughter needs you to stand up for her regardless of the fallout. These women are grown adults, they need to act like it.

“No MIL/SIL, DD is uncomfortable with that, she is a person with feelings, not a doll to play with.”

We see them 2-3 times a year. DH thinks this is so infrequent we should put up with the weirdness as DD has a huge extended family and we want her to know them (we live very far away with no family on either side close by).

I usually agree with this stance but it has never been this level of bonkers before!! I get that SIL can’t wait to be a mum but this seems like an attack on me, if you see what I mean. Although that could just be me being paranoid/anxious.

This is not a happy Christmas!

The doll comment strikes a chord!

Sorry you are having such a rubbish Christmas and I know it is not that easy to do in the situation (My DM has a tendency to be dramatic and act hurt if she is asked to change her behaviour). But your daughter will learn about setting boundaries from you, seeing you stand up for her when someone is pushing her into situations that make her confused and uncomfortable will teach her that she has the right to say no. You could try explaining it to MIL/SIL as wanting DD to grow up knowing she has rights over her body. And if you want to soften your response offer alternatives,

“DD doesn’t want to hold hands why don’t you play a game with her?”
“DD would you like to give Aunt Jen a kiss, hug or high five?”.

Sorry my last post got a bit waffly. I have insomnia and haven’t slept, typical when my DD is at her dad’s for the night.

I would also personally leave. Another option I've used is to make DH and SIL more afraid of your reaction than MILs. Next time they make a weird comment burst into tears and run out the room sobbing and slamming doors as you go. Make wild accusations about what they've said and do your best football player pretending to be fowled. I only had to do this once. It was ridiculous but effective. PIL are still bat shit but its come down a notch. I've also been learning a new therapeutic strategy of if something hurts say ouch so literally state ouch that's hurtful when you feel hurt. I would really reduce time spent unsupervised especially when they've 'jokingly' mentioned kidnapping.

Meanwhile SIL looks incredibly angry and throws me thunderous looks if I speak to DD whilst they’re playing or even sit near them. I am not sure what I’ve done to deserve this treatment.

Since you are up early, I’d give your DD breakfast and get her ready to take her out somewhere for a few hours. Tell MIL on the way out of the door that you’re sure she remembers how hard it can be getting toddlers to interact with people they don’t see often so perhaps today they can all be a bit less intense with her. Play up the I’m sure you remember... and then just popping out to get a couple of bits we’ve forgotten can I get you anything? and leave with a big soppy smile.

If Aunty Jen starts with the dirty looks again today I’d say to Dd, look at that face does Aunty Jen have a trumpy bum” or something equally ridiculous.

Plain speaking is necessary (many of us have experienced the same as you when our children were young); just lay down your boundaries politely.

It sounds awful! I’d talk DH into going home early. Perhaps say one or all of you is getting sick.

There’s something creepy about it also, as if both MIL and SIL want to pretend your child belongs to SIL.

What is FIL doing?

Also, you asked for things to say:

“I need to sit next to my daughter at meals.”
“Thanks so much but DD needs her Mommy to bathe her!”
“SIL are you ok? You seem upset?”
“Of course you’re kidding since little girls don’t drink coffee! And she won’t be comfortable going out without us! We can all go do X if you like though.”
“Please don’t even joke with that word (re kidnapping). It’s terrifying to any mother to think about such a thing!”
“Mommies aren’t mean! They take such good care of their little girls! Grandma took good care of Jen and Daddy when they were babies, right MIL?”
“MIL I’m sure you won’t let Aunt Jen draw on you with lipstick, right?”

Jeez, that would drive me crazy! I mean, I get that SIL is excited to see her niece and she wants to make the most of their time together but like a pp said, your DD is not a doll!
I can understand that you don't want to rock the boat too much as you rarely see them but blimey, you need to stand firm here.
When do you leave?

Urgh they sound absolutely awful OP and very weird!

OP Pack up and go home...call it a day and fuck them and their weirdness.Tell dh this power play is not healthy and its making you and your child too upset. I would go into super mum mode and not let them even look at my child.This game playing is ridiculous...just stop it now and go home.These women are utterly batshit crazy.There is nothing to stay for they dont want you so go home with your little one and let MIl and Aunty Jen just fuck off and do one.I would be packing the car right now....regardless of who liked it and who didnt...by you staying its giving them a green light to over rule you and do as they please....

I once had to have a bit of a stand off with my own mother on a big family holiday with about 20 of us. And we get on very well.

She contually banged on about kidnapping dd and taking her x y and z without us. Dh and I both worked ft and this holiday was for us to spend the time with dd (along with others of course).

It was horrible and emotional and probably left a funny atmosphere that night but I'd had days and days of it. It needed saying.

Bite the bullet.

No MIL/SIL, DD is uncomfortable with that, she is a person with feelings, not a doll to play with.

Keep saying that, on a loop. You're fighting for your daughter as much as yourself. You've got this, OP!

You can’t stick a week of this. Put yourself in your daughters shoes, she needs you to stand up for her and show that she doesn’t have to let these weirdos take her over. If MIL sulks for a week, so be it. You have the power here, not her. Good luck but please stand firm and don’t let them take her away from you.

Go home!!! Like fucking seriously, pack up and go, who gives a flying fuck about the fall out?? Like really, who cares??

You realise she gets away with this shit BECAUSE she cries, you realise she knows this and that's WHY she cries. You realise your husband is a spineless prick to ask you to have a shit Christmas and be treated badly by two people who want to play dolls with your daughter and don't actually care what she wants, just because it's 2-3 times a year. You realise that unless spinless husband does something then you will have to or this will go on FOREVER!!

Go to your husband, say "Right we are out of here, you might be ok with me being treated like shit but actually I am not, so we are going, stay if like, I'm beyond caring"

You have a problem with all three of them