MIL vs DC on Christmas day

[ChristmasNewName]

I have a difficult relationship with my mil, over the years she has been shockingly rude to me and is generally a very negative, unpleasant woman. However, she only lives a mile from us and traditionally has come to us for Christmas day. Whilst i do not particularly like her, i feel it my duty to have her, as otherwise she would probably be on her own. She has a daughter who lives 1.5 hours away, but MIL is not able to drive that far any more. Daughter has never had her for Christmas, the assumption is that she will come here.
The DC this year have been more vocal about her spoiling their Christmas with her general negativity and need to control the environment, (temperature, tv channel, meal times etc etc.)
It's too late this year to do much about it and tbh, I can't see anything changing in the future (she's likely to outlive all of us).
Don't know why I'm posting really, it just sucks being stuck between her and the children's Christmas not being a relaxed and enjoyable day.
I have promised the dc that we will have a second Christmas day on boxing day and save some presents and just do what we want, but it seems a bit unfair on them that this happens every year.

Drive her to SIL’s

That sounds hard we have a similar situation with a relative the thing that helps us to shorter the visit so they arrive in time to do presents before lunch & leave before dinner. We have stockings & family presents in PJs, behave for a few hours then flop about eating chocolate after

How does she get to & from you- can you control the timing/make the invitation more time specific?

Oh ignore me gothefcktosleep has the far better answer

What is DH's viewing his DM?

Can you go through previous crunch points and agree upfront what you will let go and what you will challenge?

She drives the mile to ours. She is no respecter of times. When the dc were little and bedtime routines were important, i used to invite her, for example, to my dc's birthday tea (at say 4 o'clock). She'd turn up at 7 just when i was putting them to bed and get them all excited with presents etc. Normally a late bedtime wouldn't be a problem, but my dc's bday is xmas eve and i really didnt want a late bedtime then.
So on Christmas day, she will arrive lunchtime-ish (no actual time will be adhered to, so that makes the cooking times tricky) and stay til she sees fit. Not usually past 7. It's long enough to spoil most of the day.

In true MN terms, i have a DH problem. He is so conditioned to her control, that his method of coping is to shrug it off and say it's just a day. I will get no help from him.

Can DH offer to pick her up and drive her home? ‘To sage her the hassle of driving’. Least then you’d have some control over when she arrives/ leave. (If you can’t drop her off at SIL of course )

Get your DP to ring SIL and tell her it's her turn this year!

Have the day you want to have. Tell her lunch is at one. If she’s not there go ahead and eat. Tell her you’re all watching this film.

The obvious answer is to say, “DSiL’s turn this year!” but I don’t think you’re going to be open to solutions.

Actually getting dh to drive her could work, that's a really good idea. At least then she can go after tea, rather than linger all evening - thank you.

Tell your SIL that next christmas it will her turn to have her mother on Christmas day.

I’d have the day exactly as you and kids want. Eat when you want leave her plate in the oven if she’s not it there, and watch what you went and have room temp as you want.

It’s your home do as you like in it.

Agree with DH I advance that she doesn’t get to control things. Tell her what time lunch is - if she hasn’t arrived by then, start anyway, as planned. ‘Sorry granny, we can’t watch Coronation St, the DC are watching a movie then’. If she starts whingeing and being negative, briskly move the conversation on. If she gets the hump and goes home early, bonus!

No way should she spoil everyone else’s day. She either falls in line with everyone else or goes home.

You’re welcome. I have experience of dealing with annoying MIL’s!

You can collect at a certain time and then before she has time to protest in the afternoon your DH can say ‘right better get you home so we can start clearing up’.

Just make sure you have a plan of how long she can stay so you can plan fun stuff with the kids for when she’s gone!

fanlights i tried that a couple of times. My dh wouldn't start the meal without her (tbh, even i would find that difficult, i don't want to sink to her level of rudeness) and she talked all through the film, which spoilt it for the dc and kept mentioning the program she wanted.

Yes, stand up for what you want. Ask the kids what they want to watch etc and adhere to it. If she's not there at the time you say you are having dinner, start without her.

Your Dh needs a talking to. Wait 10-15 mins, yes. Longer - no.

If she talks during the movie, shush her, and if she carries on, pause and then rewind every time she starts. If she mentions her programme say ‘you can watch it on catch up at home later, none of us like it’.

You all need to stop pandering to her - or put up with it ad infinitum.

She sounds incredibly rude, your DH driving her sounds like the best damage limitation
I would feel awful starting the meal without her too but if DH drives her that solves that problem too

Her interrupting the movie to complain gives you a great opportunity to pause it, say you can tell she's not interested in watching, now would be a good time for her to head home to her own shows?

Some good ideas here. I can do the (passive aggressive) re-wind when she talks through their film.
I know from past experience that dh just panders to her. She either gets too hot, so we all sit in a draught until she complains the house is draughty , or she wants random things to eat (believe me, we have plenty, but she'll always ask for the thing that's not been offered).
I do need to toughen up, but she is an expert manipulator and we've had tears and tantrums before now when she hasn't had her own way.
I need to get over myself and actually i do need to sink to her level of rudeness. She has no problems about taking a phone call when we've been invited to hers and then shushing us if we dare speak during it.

Tell DH he has to pick her up and take her home if she's coming. That will fix some of the timing issues.

Yes, I think you need to toughen up - she's behaving this way every year precisely because she's been allowed to up until now!

But now is the time to take back control.
Your DC are obviously of an age where they can speak up for themselves, so if she's late for dinner, then save her a plate and get going. If your DH is such a wimp, save him one too and he can eat with her. He needs to see that his mother cannot be allowed to dictate the entire day for everyone every year.

Fuck her tears and tantrums - how old is she, fucking 3? You wouldn't take it from a toddler, so don't take it from her either.

Basic answer - "if you don't like it, MIL, you don't have to stay."

Pretend to turn the heating up/down when she moans but don't actually. Then say 'it should have made a difference by now.. why don't you take your jumper off / put this blanket over you?'

Whatever she asks for that you haven't offered, say 'oh dear, we haven't got any, what a shame'. If your DH contradicts you you can say 'ooh, maybe you'd better go and look'. Make it his problem / task.

I’d get DH to collect and drop her off and tell him that next year she will have to go elsewhere.

I would also, query why the DC’s wants are overshadowed by her? Why is her comfort etc more important than his DW and children?

Maybe, tell DH that he can go and spend Christmas with her at her home so you and the DC can have a Christmas that you want,!