MIL vs DC on Christmas day

[ChristmasNewName]

I have a difficult relationship with my mil, over the years she has been shockingly rude to me and is generally a very negative, unpleasant woman. However, she only lives a mile from us and traditionally has come to us for Christmas day. Whilst i do not particularly like her, i feel it my duty to have her, as otherwise she would probably be on her own. She has a daughter who lives 1.5 hours away, but MIL is not able to drive that far any more. Daughter has never had her for Christmas, the assumption is that she will come here.
The DC this year have been more vocal about her spoiling their Christmas with her general negativity and need to control the environment, (temperature, tv channel, meal times etc etc.)
It's too late this year to do much about it and tbh, I can't see anything changing in the future (she's likely to outlive all of us).
Don't know why I'm posting really, it just sucks being stuck between her and the children's Christmas not being a relaxed and enjoyable day.
I have promised the dc that we will have a second Christmas day on boxing day and save some presents and just do what we want, but it seems a bit unfair on them that this happens every year.

Ahh I'm not sure you know OP.
My grandad was a pain in the are, smoking roll ups, pissed before mid day, a smidge racist, mildly abusive and the last year he was alive my mum refused to have him round. He died 2 months after that and I still miss his (accidentally) hilarious presence on Christmas day. It's not the worst thing in the world to have imperfect Christmases

Thank you everyone, it has been useful to see that pretty much everyone has pointed out that i need to grow a back bone. I dress it up as 'being nice' to her, but you're right, the dc are paying for my lack of assertiveness.

And pp who pointed out that the only way to get a change is to make a change are absolutely right.

This year i will flex my assertiveness muscle.
Bright 'n breezy (with an element of misunderstanding) and not feeling responsible for her feelings.

I will also adopt the technique of managing her movements more, to give me and the kids a break from her negativity. Dh is quite happy to palm her off on me and the kids, he will have to step up and entertain her.

I'll have a conversation with the sil when i next see her, I'd like to know if she does invite her. At the very least i feel that sil should acknowledge that i have her every year.

What I'm saying is father Ted wouldn't be as good without father Jack 😁

SIL is not getting away with anything. She has chosen how her family spend Christmas, and who they spend it with. (just as people suggest the OP does)

I advise going on holiday next Christmas

OP, your children clearly come very last in your family.
Your MIL doesn't care about them.
Your husband doesn't care about them .
You don't care about them.

Sorry to be harsh, but you feel you need to maintain some bullshit moral high ground, allowing your MIL to ruin your children's Christmas.

You know they will remember the shit Christmases for the rest of their lives
You know they will remember they were not important enough to be considered.
You know they will remember pain in the ass grandmother was allowed to ruin every Christmas.

FFS give your head a shake an take the good advice offered above.

I have zero sympathy for you wanting to have the moral high ground.

I would go through any one like a short cut if they behaved in such a way that my children thought they ruin every Christmas day.

I don't care how old or how sick, or how much time they may have left.

People who are allowed to spend time with my family behave themselves.

End of.

I am in pretty much the SIL position so can tell you that I have placed my red line.

I will not have my DM for Christmas. She will never come inside my house again. I have made that choice. I have drawn that line.

The wicked witch can spend Christmas in any way she chooses, other people (my sister... a vociferous martyr...) can choose to not leave her alone at Christmas. I will not be entertaining her EVER... let alone at Christmas.

By all means draw your own lines.

Your sil doesn't invite her because she wants a nice christmas why is your dh so soft and not tell her mums coming to you ?

Please stick up for your DC and ask your DH why his Mum is more important than them????

If she is coming over as suggested get your dh to pick her up if you have sky record your programmes have dinner drive her home splodge and watch your programmes with the kids, job done !

We had the ‘making everyone wait’ relative that needed to be picked up.

Last year I said we would buy her a taxi trip to ours as her present, but that she needed to be on the doorstep ready at xx time cos the driver wouldn’t wait.

We said we really needed the extra time to arrange the house & food, and had a special friend dropping in at 11am. And that lunch was at xx sharp. When she started to grumble and moan the day before, I added that if she missed her lift we’d certainly miss her and try to get some leftovers to her in the days after if we could.

Worked. A. Treat.

She managed to be ready, loved the taxi ride, and was far better behaved all day as well. The plan seemed to stop the nonsense and set the tone better than playing her ‘I’m the Queen’ games.

If she’s too far away for a taxi, I’d get DH to tell her that he’s got the food in the oven and is in charge of turning it off at xx time, while you’re out helping a sick neighbour. The idea of burnt Xmas lunch can hurry people along quite magically.

My family always have our christmas dinner later in the day rather than lunch time (legacy of doing the rounds visiting people on xmas day when my grandparents were alive and my dad often being on call on the day). If you had the meal later, say 5 'clock, you could justify her not coming round until later and have more time with the kids chilling out with presents and films.

The minute she starts complaining and talking over the DC’s film, stand up and say “Oh dear, MIL. Obviously not your thing. Let me take you home now” then turn to get your coat and car keys.

Next year simply don’t invite her. Your DCs only have a few Christmasses as children, and they’re precious. Why should their day be spoiled by a selfish, entitled woman?

Ring sil tell her you are finding it difficult to host every year. So after this year you need to take it in turns as she can't drive to hers something will have to be arranged.

Have a look at outofthefog.website for some good tips on dealing with the situation.

It’s not about arguing, organising other people or being directive, it’s about recognising your own boundaries and wellbeing.
You can have a good Christmas.

Dh is quite happy to palm her off on me and the kids

That has to stop. Tell him if he does this again you will simply not host next year, full stop. He should go and sit with her somewhere while the kids watch their programmes. No sloping off.

Ring sil tell her you are finding it difficult to host every year. So after this year you need to take it in turns as she can't drive to hers something will have to be arranged

and when SIL - as I would - turns round and says NO,
or maybe is a bit more polite than me and says...
that is not acceptable, I will NEVER be having her/I will not be here, just leave the old bat at home?

Nothing has to be arranged by SIL - she has chosen her family over her mother for years. If OP wants to do that, she can.

@Beyondmywits.
Good on you.

I can't believe the stories on here of one rude, ungrateful, miserable person ruining a family's Christmas.

Children do remember these things and wonder when they are older why their parents put up with it.

My children do not have a single person in their lives who would ever dream of behaving like this.

They also have been taught that if they do happen to come upon mean, rude, selfish people, just cut them off and out of their lives.

Life is too short and precious, and there are too many good, kind generous people to have in your life, for to be bothering with those that aren't.

Make sure you buy the kids a silly, noisy family game. When she gets arsy, whip it out, get the kids to make sure dad plays too. She can moan on the sofa.

So on Christmas day, she will arrive lunchtime-ish (no actual time will be adhered to, so that makes the cooking times tricky) and stay til she sees fit. Not usually past 7. It's long enough to spoil most of the day.
Cook for when you want, tell her when lunch will be ready, serve and eat at the appointed time. She can have hers cold and congealed when she deigns to turn up. Why do you dance attendance on her?

OP I don’t get why you think SIL owes you anything.

You choose to invite your MIL every year.

You choose to allow your MIL to dictate the day.

You choose to be a martyr to your MIL even when your dc are asking not to have her for once.

What’s YOUR personal choices got to do with your SIL?
Your SIL chooses not to have the toxicity in her life. What do you want her to acknowledge? SIL has not asked you to have your MIL every year. You choose it.

Don’t fall out with your SIL because of your own life choices.

Stop being a martyr and make some changes!

Do it before you’ve ruined Xmas permanently for your kids by not putting your on foot down.

I find some of these posts very sad and I am amazed at some of the attitudes. OP I think you might need to be a bit more assertive in how you structure the day so that MIL doesn't get to dominate so much.

But seriously, unless she has a history of neglect or abuse of your dh she is his mum and it's awful to think of leaving her alone.

We have a similar(ish) situation and host my parents pretty much every year. In 14 years we have had 2 not hosting them. My sister does not as she is of the opinion they cramp her style...

They are elderly and a bit set in their ways and my mother tells the same stories on repeat and has a pretty negative mindset. They live 200 miles away and dh drives to collect them as they don't drive anymore. The distance means they stay for 3 days.

Would I like not to have them year in, year out? Probably. But would i willingly leave them alone? Not so far. Life is short and Christmas is not just 'supposed to be a self centered day of fun', it is also (for us) about including family. I would not like to think my dd was thinking this way about spending Christmas with us in the future.

We spend every New Year's day hosting dh's family.

Our now teen dd loves having family there, even though my folks utterly monopolise the tv all evening. I don't want to look back in regret.

Of course I also understand that there are all sorts of circumstances where the best path to take is no contact. But this doesn't really seem like one of those situations from what the OP has posted.

This is her controlling and manipulating you. Be firm with your DH that he deals with her and does not try to palm her off. Your mealtime is set and not controlled by her. She either appears on time or not but I guarantee a few times of missing out and she will change her mind sharpish. You tell DH that you the children will eat when it’s ready whether mardyarse is there or not. If she talks over the tv pause what you are watching and tell DH to take her for tea in the kitchen as she obviously doesn’t want to watch what you all do or maybe she should fuck off home. My mil tries to manipulate us but as she can’t drive she has a line she needs to be careful not to cross. The woman in a champion faffer!

Would I like not to have them year in, year out? Probably. But would i willingly leave them alone? Not so far. Life is short and Christmas is not just 'supposed to be a self centered day of fun', it is also (for us) about including family. I would not like to think my dd was thinking this way about spending Christmas with us in the future.

But that's your choice, OP, and as you acknowledge, your interpretation of what Christmas is 'about'. Not everyone agrees. And you can't 'buy' your daughter's future enthusiasm about spending Christmas with you by having your parents annually -- it's not some kind of inter-generational payback.