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Original poster

MIL vs DC on Christmas day

121 replies

ChristmasNewName · 16/12/2019 00:20

I have a difficult relationship with my mil, over the years she has been shockingly rude to me and is generally a very negative, unpleasant woman. However, she only lives a mile from us and traditionally has come to us for Christmas day. Whilst i do not particularly like her, i feel it my duty to have her, as otherwise she would probably be on her own. She has a daughter who lives 1.5 hours away, but MIL is not able to drive that far any more. Daughter has never had her for Christmas, the assumption is that she will come here.
The DC this year have been more vocal about her spoiling their Christmas with her general negativity and need to control the environment, (temperature, tv channel, meal times etc etc.)
It's too late this year to do much about it and tbh, I can't see anything changing in the future (she's likely to outlive all of us).
Don't know why I'm posting really, it just sucks being stuck between her and the children's Christmas not being a relaxed and enjoyable day.
I have promised the dc that we will have a second Christmas day on boxing day and save some presents and just do what we want, but it seems a bit unfair on them that this happens every year.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChristmasNewName · 16/12/2019 01:07

I'll get dh to drive, but there's no guarantee she'll be ready to be collected at the appointed time. She kept us waiting nearly an hour when we gave her a lift to a family wedding recently.
I would love for her to go to sil's for once, but there's no way to get her there. She would refuse to stay overnight, so there would be a lot of driving, there and back twice.

OP posts:

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 16/12/2019 01:07

Just all go down with a 'stomach bug' and say you are unable to host her on Christmas Eve- then let SIL know she is having her....

IncrediblySadToo · 16/12/2019 01:09

You need to be firm with your DH. Your children are only young for such a short time, and yours sound like they’re not terribly young still anyway... stop letting her spoil their childhood christmasses. She’s had her childhood, she’s had her years when her children were small...don’t invite her next year, tell SIL she has to invite her or she needs find friends/siblings/cats to spend Christmas with because you’ve done your share! SIL is only 1.5 hours away, she can come and get her or to be kind you can shove her in a train this end and SIL can collect her the other end.

Stop letting her ruin your CHILDRENS. Christmases

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IncrediblySadToo · 16/12/2019 01:11

Fecking hell, stop bending to her every whim. If she refuses to stay overnight at her daughter then she can stay at home on her own or make plans with friends.

She’s still driving so she’s not housebound.

Summerandsparkle · 16/12/2019 01:16

It does sound like you’ve let her get away with far too much but it’s not too late to start being assertive.

‘If you want Christmas lunch at ours then DH will pick you up at 12, please be ready for this time as we’ve made a plan for the day’.

Then if she’s rude say you’re taking her home. If she wants to behave like a spoiled child you might as well treat her like one!

Chocmallows · 16/12/2019 01:19

'Misunderstanding' her is key for you here. She says it's hot and you all feel it's cold, appear to agree with her nodding say "yes it's cold we absolutely must keep heating on", then be distracted to hear anymore. She talks over film you say "oh the sounds playing up isn't it", re-wind and turn it up. Stop reacting to her, block her.

She may moan about being misunderstood, you say breezely "well it's busy here but we've all had a great time".

She will act in her way as long as you all do as she says. Stop it and she'll go to SIL to wind them up.

REignbow · 16/12/2019 01:22

I think you need to stop pandering to her. So what if it’s rude to begin to eat without her, she’s certainly okay keeping everyone waiting.

Tell your DH, that you are eating at x and if he wants to wait he can, you’ll just plate his meal up.

So what if she won’t stay over, that’s not your problem!

Also, she lives a mile away so if she doesn’t want to watch a film tell her to go home.

You need to toughen up and show your DC that you will not tolerate this awful behaviour.

Also, I’d move....far, far away [tcgrin]

Pixxie7 · 16/12/2019 01:22

I completely empathise with you my mother expected us to spend every Xmas with them. I stupidly went along with this and she now expects to spend every Xmas with my grown up daughters. Like you I presumed for years that my brother never invited her.
However during a relatively recent argument I said to her why she never went to my brothers and was shocked by her reply of because I don’t want to. It turned out that he had invited her every year.
Don’t make the mistakes I made, have a word with your soil explain the situation to her and find out the truth.

Thesuzle · 16/12/2019 01:24

Please post again OP once Xmas day is over, I want to know how this ends..

Original poster

ChristmasNewName · 16/12/2019 01:25

You're all right, i know. I'm just not used to dealing with someone so unreasonable. Whenever I've tried to be assertive, somehow she just batters me down until i would either need to be rude to make my point, or i back down. I suppose i feel that if i tip into rudeness, then I've lost the moral high ground. I just don't want to sink to her level because she would quickly adopt a 'victim' role and cast me as the villain.
I have a few books on 'how to be assertive ', i will revisit them before xmas day.

OP posts:

Dustarr73 · 16/12/2019 01:28

Leave your DH with her and you and your dc go off to a hotel.

StoppinBy · 16/12/2019 01:29

It's not rude to start a meal at the time people are told the meal will be starting, it is however rude to turn up late and expect everyone to be waiting.

The reason she shows up late is because everyone accommodates her, if she knew lunch was at 12 and that if she showed up at 3 it would be over I bet she could and would show up on time. Same with showing up at 7 with presents - don't let her in, tell her "sorry, the kids are settled for the night, it will have to wait tonight".

My FIL is rude like this and it makes my blood boil! First to whine if someone else is late and wont wait but also the first to say 'oh, you already started' in a shocked way if he shows up late. Also happy to show up right on bed time or get huffy when asked to be quiet once the kids are in bed.

We had a BBQ this weekend and you can be he didn't help, just sat on his arse while we cooked.... then got up and ate - by himself because everyone else was still busy..... then ate 'seconds' while we put the last of the BBQ meat out after it was cooked (and no one else had even started getting themselves food)............ then had the audacity to tell my daughter off for being greedy and eating too many lollies from the bucket that was on the table......... not looking forward to xmas with him and already biting the shit out of my tongue.

Haha - oops, sorry, that turned in to a rant but it sure felt good to write that all down!!! Good Luck with your xmas!

Original poster

ChristmasNewName · 16/12/2019 01:29

Dustar a superb solution

OP posts:

Ladida01 · 16/12/2019 01:43

My BIL and his partner have done this a few times to us on Christmas day. We now start the meal at the allotted time, so we don't keep everyone else waiting. When they rock up they get to eat, even if it is leftovers.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/12/2019 04:43

You need to do something different to break the this is what always happens. Now DC are older it's natural to want new traditions. Her coming for a shorter period on your terms sounds best option for this year.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/12/2019 05:01

You don't need to be rude you need to be firm and not react. Tell her dinner is at 2 pm, and dish up at 2 pm. If you want to remind her at 1:30 pm that's fine but dish up. If she talks over the tv you have planned politely ask her to wait until the programme has finished to chat, repeat every time.

ChristmasCroissant · 16/12/2019 05:28

If you want things to change OP, you'll have to do something different. You've rebuffed every suggestion made here. What element of the day are you prepared to change?

MiniGuinness · 16/12/2019 05:35

How old are your kids? I am a little shocked tbh. We have great-Nan staying at the moment, it is too hot, the tv is too loud and too shit. She says inappropriate things at inappropriate times. My kids would not dream of saying a word. Ever.

LetterOfTheLawFella · 16/12/2019 05:45

If you know she's going to be late for dinner tell her it's being served an hour earlier so she'll think she's putting you out when she's late when in fact she'll be on time

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/12/2019 05:51

Lay down the law to your DH and tell him if he doesn’t step up this year and whip his mother into line, you won’t host at all next year. And make reservations in a restaurant, break the traditional pattern. It’s not reasonable to have her spoil the kids’ Christmas every year.

ukgift2016 · 16/12/2019 05:52

You been allowing this to go on for YEARS? Doormat springs to mind. Your poor kids. Their memories of Christmas are being hampered by their brat of a grandmother and mother who won't stand up for them.

smaragda · 16/12/2019 06:00

I feel for you op! I have a nightmare fil myself, and have suffered in the past with Christmas dinner shenanigans. It all came to a head one year when he once again bought an extra present for my daughter (and not my son) I pulled him up on it, and he stormed out of the house shouting that he would never darken our door again! We all got through it alive,and he was back the next Christmas lol. He usually wants to relax after the big meal,whereas my kids want to play board games (usually monopoly) and we get very competitive and loud-he was watching tv one year while we were playing our game,and complained we were making too much noise,so we got louder! Christmas is time for the kids,so take their lead-I like the suggestion of dh driving her,as you can control timings, and ensure she leaves after the meal so you can all put pjs on,or play what you want/watch what you want...don't let her ruin these special times with your children-they will remember!

custardbear · 16/12/2019 06:05

You need to try talking again to your DH about how Christmas Day is rubbish for the kids and can your SIL take the burden every other year - your SIL should do all the running around like you've done for years, they could meet her half way - perhaps your DH could drive her half way?!

Sparklybaublefest · 16/12/2019 06:20

Is there is family you could go to, and then she would have to go to SIL,
perhaps too late for this Christmas, but next Christmas?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 16/12/2019 06:31

Actually sil owes you big time, no alternating, she does the next however many you've done. I bet she's overjoyed you take the strain.

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