MIL vs DC on Christmas day

[ChristmasNewName]

I have a difficult relationship with my mil, over the years she has been shockingly rude to me and is generally a very negative, unpleasant woman. However, she only lives a mile from us and traditionally has come to us for Christmas day. Whilst i do not particularly like her, i feel it my duty to have her, as otherwise she would probably be on her own. She has a daughter who lives 1.5 hours away, but MIL is not able to drive that far any more. Daughter has never had her for Christmas, the assumption is that she will come here.
The DC this year have been more vocal about her spoiling their Christmas with her general negativity and need to control the environment, (temperature, tv channel, meal times etc etc.)
It's too late this year to do much about it and tbh, I can't see anything changing in the future (she's likely to outlive all of us).
Don't know why I'm posting really, it just sucks being stuck between her and the children's Christmas not being a relaxed and enjoyable day.
I have promised the dc that we will have a second Christmas day on boxing day and save some presents and just do what we want, but it seems a bit unfair on them that this happens every year.

I just wish she were nicer really, and i know that's beyond my control. I'm not sure i could be as brutal as some pp suggest and kick her out, or not invite her in the first place. I don't think i could enjoy my day, knowing she was spending it alone and dh certainly wouldn't. Also, i think i have a responsibility to the dc to teach them about caring for a wider community and that actually the day is not just all about what they want.
I suppose I'm aiming for a compromise of give and take with her. I will assess my boundaries and draw some lines in the sand. I think getting dh to control her arrival and departure (by driving) and managing where she spends some of her time, so the dc get a break, and getting dh to step up and entertain her, then we should make it through the day. I'm also planning a board game to avoid the tv/talking through it situation. Thank you all for your views and ideas, it's certainly given me a different perspective and some new things to try.

As a parent of teens, let me tell you theses most special times of Christmas when your DC are small will fly past all too quickly. You will never get these times back. Your MIL has had her turn of christmasses with her young family, now it's your turn and she's spoiling it for you all.
You need to change things quickly OP or the resentment will eat you up. I
I'd be particularly nervous of how it's going to be when she's older and frailer and expecting you to jump to her needs. Don't sleepwalk into this.

OP ...you are doing it all wrong! And I mean that with the best of intentions.Your MIL is being made the centre of everyones attention. Yours for trying to keep the peace...Your DH for some feelings of misplaced duty to her and the kids having their day ruined. She is queen bee in your home and she knows it and she plays on it.It is a kick for her she loves the discomfort she causes you all mark my words.She knows exactly what she is doing. I would suggest that you take that power away from her. Why not this year invite the kids friends round in the afternoon after lunch ..let them run riot. Or invite keith and Jane the neighbours over for a drink and nibbles at tea time...you need more people not less,That way the focus is well and truly off her and more on you and your friends than her. She will not be the center of attention she cannot dictate anything she will have to behave. You need the
afternoon to be full of people you like to spend a few hours with...have a party have drinks and nibbles have an open house....what can she do if sheila and john drop in to see you?? Nothing is the answer. You need to carry on and make it a day you want....of course she can come but she has to muck in and she will.....by doing something as simple as inviting others round or just to pop in adhoc you are not being offensive you are enjoying the spirit of christmas and making it your own she is then pushed to the side..the focus is off her and hense her power has gone.Thats what you need to do. More people ls the solution.

and turn the bloody telly off ! Let her converse with margaret from number 3 whilst you have fun!

If she starts talking through the film, pause it, and say brightly “Oh dear MIL, this really isn’t your cup of tea is it? DH, take your mum into the kitchen and you can open that nice sherry we bought and have a chat in peace.”

You seem miffed that SIL never has her. That's not fair. Perhaps she invites MIL, but she refuses to go, or she doesn't invite her. Either way, don't blame SIL for the fact that she's having a peaceful, stress free time and you're not. You're having the kind of Christmas day you are, because you're allowing it.

I suggest that your DH takes her out for a walk while you and the kids watch the film.

...and if she starts with anything negative, remind her that it's Christmas Day so no negativity is allowed.

Could you have your Christmas the day before? So kids open presents and have a nice lunch on Christmas Eve them Christmas Day is just a boring day with normal lunch and the kids might not feel so disappointed about it being ruined by her negativity!

I think you should be teaching your children to have boundaries with people like this really, not to put up with unpleasant people just because it is Christmas. To be honest your SIL is probably wise to this and therefore won't have her. I wouldn't and if she ended up alone then she has reaped what she sowed. My dad is alone every year but it is his own fault and I don't feel sorry for him.

Your children may well want to spend Christmas with their own family or in laws in the future, that is normal. Certainly if they have the choice of spending it with your MIL then they will vote with her feet as soon as possible.

Could you book to eat a meal out then you could meet her at the meal and never have her enter your house at all!

Make the afternoon film "The Grinch" 😁

And your SIL doesn't owe anyone anything. You choose to have MIL. SIL has made her choice.

Make your DH spend all his time with her. It's him that wants to see her, not you, so he can do the heavy lifting.

Many moons ago I was wandering around a garden centre, MIL glued to my side and noticed my DH swanning around on his own having a lovely day dream. When we got home I took him to one side and told him we saw his parents for his benefit, not mine, so why was I spending all the time with them?

Bless him, he picked up after that - but he also lost interest in seeing them as often. I'm sure the two things weren't connected

At the moment your DH insists that his mum comes over for Christmas but then leaves you to deal with her. Not fair. He wants her, he entertains her.

Just make it clear to her. She is expected to arrive at X time ready for food. If she's late. Start eat without her.

Don't let her control the tv or heating? Laugh it off. Or vote on what you want to watch. I'm sure she'll lose

Whatever you do there is going to be fallout. She's going to strop, cry and create a scene. Stand firm.

Serve the lunch at the time you want. when its over can you find a room (DCs or yours) where you and the DCs cab settle down with their film and lots of chocolate and snacks. Don't let your DH in and tell him he's responsible for his mother.

There may be a row between you and him. Again stand firm. tell him it's your DCs or his mother.

This isn't a situation where you dislike her for no reason. She determined to rule the roost and have things her way. Don't let her. And of it comes to it, tell DH he has to choose. If he chooses her, tell him that next year he's going to hers, Your DC come first.

Call the SIL this week and have that conversation. If she says “Hell no! She’s an evil, negative, black cloud and I don’t know how you do it every year....” let her know that you have no intention of continuing. Perhaps arrange to job share it, and tag, she’s it for next year. Between the two of you, you can work out how to get a year off between every nightmare Christmas, and you can phone each other on Boxing Day and compare notes.

How about sitting down with the children and working out a schedule for the day, based on all the things you all love to do? Get them to use coloured pens, stickers, tinsel, whatever they fancy. Get them to create 2 copies: one for you and one for mil. Send it to her, in the form of a special invitation from the children. Make it a really positive thing that you're all excited about and would love her to be part of.

If she's then late, start without her and don't make a thing of it.

Save the film for Boxing Day and play games or go for a walk or to church on Christmas Day instead.

Have presents in the morning before she arrives. And turn the TV off and play a game.

As other posters have said, you need to get your DH on side. Perhaps your kids could tell him how they feel.

Regarding timings, I had a mother in law who was always late and dictated timings and it’s very annoying. A lot of how you phrase it. Eg ‘Dinner will be at 2 so if you’d like to come for that, DH will pick you up at 1:30. If you’re not ready then you can come over after lunch, at 4’. You need to be prepared to follow through and if she isn’t ready at 1, tell her you’ll be back for her at 4.

Op how do you expect the usual scenario to change if you don't change anything?
Get dh to bring her there and back, as pp have said her dinner can wait in oven while you start latest 20 mins after whatever time you've said you'll start and carry on the day as you wish.
What's the point in all getting together for Christmas because you're obligated to? It's not an office meeting with the boss it's your family when you stipulate. How Thats rude and stooping to her level I don't know.
Tell dh that if they don't arrive back within a reasonable time you'll leave their dinner aside. You have never given dh reason to fight your corner. I bet a cold Christmas dinner for him is at least a good start