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Original poster

MIL vs DC on Christmas day

121 replies

ChristmasNewName · 16/12/2019 00:20

I have a difficult relationship with my mil, over the years she has been shockingly rude to me and is generally a very negative, unpleasant woman. However, she only lives a mile from us and traditionally has come to us for Christmas day. Whilst i do not particularly like her, i feel it my duty to have her, as otherwise she would probably be on her own. She has a daughter who lives 1.5 hours away, but MIL is not able to drive that far any more. Daughter has never had her for Christmas, the assumption is that she will come here.
The DC this year have been more vocal about her spoiling their Christmas with her general negativity and need to control the environment, (temperature, tv channel, meal times etc etc.)
It's too late this year to do much about it and tbh, I can't see anything changing in the future (she's likely to outlive all of us).
Don't know why I'm posting really, it just sucks being stuck between her and the children's Christmas not being a relaxed and enjoyable day.
I have promised the dc that we will have a second Christmas day on boxing day and save some presents and just do what we want, but it seems a bit unfair on them that this happens every year.

OP posts:
666onmyhead · 16/12/2019 06:32

Seriously just tell her. She's an antagonistic old cow and she has overstepped the boundaries too many times and she's simply not welcome this year . Enough is enough. Do it for your children ! Chanel your inner Bitch and just tell her !

Fanlights · 16/12/2019 06:37

Perhaps your children are cowed and passive, @MiniGuinness?

NeverGotMyPuppy · 16/12/2019 06:43

God reading these threads makes me realise how intolerant I must be.

I'm afraid i wouldn't be letting my children's christmas day be ruined like this. Its time to start alternating or more fairly let her daughter have her for a few years.

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Events & celebrations
MiniGuinness · 16/12/2019 06:47

Perhaps your children are cowed and passive Yes Fanlights I was going for cowed and passive when bringing them up, not tolerant and polite. Glad it worked, totally looking for your validation.

CallmeAngelina · 16/12/2019 06:59

miniguinness, GrinGrin

AlwaysCheddar · 16/12/2019 07:01

Simple. Say lunch will be T 1 and eat then .... your dh can eat with her when she rocks up if he wants, but I bet he won’t wait.

BlouseAndSkirt · 16/12/2019 07:09

Is your DH aware of what the children have said?

Have lots of phrases in your back pocket: “sorry, MIL, think you’re out-voted on that one, the kids requested this film ages ago” “I didn’t know that you didn’t like xx/ do like yy, oh well never mind” “

Just keep the mindset that you will enjoy yourselves and as long as you are being polite you don’t need to be responsible for her feelings.

I really would lay down the law about lunch though. Tell her “We’re having lunch at this time this year: we want some daylight afterwards / the children want to watch xxx / I want the clearing up done with time to relax afterwards. So please arrive at x time”.

I.e in time for a drink / nibble before lunch

If she doesn’t show up 15 mins into drink / nibble time get DH to call and say “just reminding you MIL, dinner in the table in 25 mins. Come now, or we’ll save you a turkey sandwich”. She only lived near so still has time to make it...

Start lunch 15 mins after the time you said, with or without her. When she turns up yell “ooh, MIL, Happy Christmas! great you are here, just in time for pudding! Cream or brandy sauce?”

flouncyfanny · 16/12/2019 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sashh · 16/12/2019 07:34

Move your TV to your bedroom. Tell MIL it broke down 4.30 Xmas eve and you found a repair place open but it won't be fixed until New Year.

Hide extra small presents and snacks in your bed and depending on the time their film is on they can either go for a nap (they have been a bit off colour and are just getting over colds) or go to bed early and watch the film.

Sort out bingo cards, don't let MIL see them but have different things on each card, who ever gets to 5 first gets a present, then first to 10 etc.

Tenpenceabag · 16/12/2019 07:41

Sounds like my in laws. I invited them for DDs birthday lunch when she was about 4. They were about 2 hours late as they had been caught in traffic (fair enough but it turned out they knew there was bad traffic and so had left later, hoping to avoid it, and then stopped at a service station for sandwiches) but didn't think to call ahead and tell us.DD, bless her was insistent we should wait for them....and then they didnt even eat the food because they had stopped for sandwiches!!

73Sunglasslover · 16/12/2019 08:05

fanlights i tried that a couple of times. My dh wouldn't start the meal without her (tbh, even i would find that difficult, i don't want to sink to her level of rudeness) and she talked all through the film, which spoilt it for the dc and kept mentioning the program she wanted

If someone doesn't get to you at the agreed time and therefore misses dinner, it's them being rude, not you.

JuneSpoon · 16/12/2019 08:12

Have only read half the thread. Even better if you pick her up. Text as you leave " be there in 5. We'll be having lunch in 15 mins". If she's not ready you come home. Tell her to come over when she's ready, you'll save her a plate. So she can't delay DH

Daenerys77 · 16/12/2019 08:17

If none of you want her with you over Christmas, don't invite her. She can make other arrangements or spend Christmas alone.

KatherineJaneway · 16/12/2019 08:18

Sounds like you and your dc need to sit down with your dh and lay down the law. Tell him how things will be and he'd better shape up. Christmas is too fleeting to be miserable

Whiskers14 · 16/12/2019 08:31

You've got a DH problem and a SIL problem - she's THEIR mum, they should be sorting it out. I can't believe your DH would put his kids' Christmas and general happiness over a woman he knows is a nightmare and spoils the day.

Why doesn't he and SIL split the driving to get MIL to SIL's? Is there somewhere mid-route between where they could meet and hand MIL over, so they're only driving 45 mins each? If SIL tells her she wants her to stay, I bet MIL would.

AlaskaElfForGin · 16/12/2019 08:36

we've had tears and tantrums before now when she hasn't had her own way.

We used to have the same issue. DH will avoid conflict at all costs because she would turn on the waterworks and always twist it round to be his fault. Then the whole of Christmas Day would be ruined and I'm not having that for the rest of us. Fast forward a few years and now I 'manage' the day.

DH goes to collect her as she doesn't want to drive and it means we can collect her when it suits us (she appeared at 7.30 am one Christmas morning about ten years ago - now he picks her up at 1pm). We eat at 2pm then the kids settle down to watch a film, which she would proceed to whinge about and talk through. So now, I say to her 'there's a cup of tea (always a winner) on the dining room table for you, the DCs are trying to watch a film' so she will sit and have tea and chat to me while DH and I do the dishes. Then I chuck her a tea towel and ask her to help.

I literally plan her movements for the day. I know that sounds really awful but it's the only way we can handle the day and over the last few years we've started to rub along quite nicely really. So much so that she stayed over the last two years so that DH could have a couple of drinks and she can watch what she likes in the evening. She actually seems to enjoy her time here more now that the penny has dropped that that she's welcome to come here on Christmas Day, as long as she doesn't try to turn it into just her day instead of a day for all of us.

You need to take control OP. Yes, your DH should do it, but he won't, so you I guess it's up to you. Xmas Smile

BlouseAndSkirt · 16/12/2019 08:38

Even better if you pick her up. Text as you leave " be there in 5. We'll be having lunch in 15 mins". If she's not ready you come home. Tell her to come over when she's ready, you'll save her a plate. So she can't delay DH

Genius.

“Sorry MIL, DH has timed lunch to start and the kids are starving! I can’t keep DH waiting after all his hard work, he was most insistent.... see you later, save you a sandwich, or hopefully you’ll make it for the pudding?”

Give her a 20 min phone call to warn her you are in your way and she needs to be ready by the front door “I can’t stop, the kids are so excited and under DH’s feet”

BeyondMyWits · 16/12/2019 08:40

Leave SIL out of it - she has made her choices - they do not include her mother.

DH has made his choices - they do include his mother.

YOU can make your choices, but they do not involve changing SIL's plans in the slightest. If you leave MIL out of your Christmas plans, that is fine, that is your choice.

SIL may - or may not - choose to include her in theirs.

FenellaMaxwell · 16/12/2019 08:51
  1. Get DH to pick up and drop off.
  2. Tell her to be ready an hour before you actually plan to collect her.
  3. Lay the foundations well in advance to say you are going away Christmas and SIL will have to have her.
CigarsofthePharoahs · 16/12/2019 09:03

Can anyone explain to me why people keep putting up with relatives who do nothing but spread misery and spoil what's supposed to be a very fun day?
I wish I could offer some serious advice op. However it sounds like if you put your foot down then your DH will kick off. Does he know how your children feel? I would be asking him why it is he thinks his mums right to spread misery is more important than your children (and you) having a good Christmas day.

PizzaExpressWoking · 16/12/2019 09:17

For next year and all future years: "Actually, no, we're not having any visitors. We want to have Christmas all by ourselves."

Why? "We just want to have Christmas all by ourselves."

Repeat as necessary. You are not responsible for hosting this horrible woman. She behaves like this because you let her.

brassbrass · 16/12/2019 09:33

You keep making excuses. Moral high ground has nothing to do with it. Your DC are having their Christmas ruined but you don't seem to be able to prioritise their needs. Are you all going to look back on a childhood of miserable Christmases? Why is she worth more than your kids?

When I am hosting we eat at the same time every year like clockwork. MIL tried to scupper that by announcing she was going to drop her mum off (no rush just being awkward by not staying to eat - 2 hour round trip) expecting us (9 people) to wait until she got back.

I said oh what a shame. Dished up food as soon as it was ready and everyone ate as normal. She came back to a dry plate of food in the oven which she ate by herself at the kitchen table as everyone else had moved into another room.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 16/12/2019 09:44

You need to work on your dh. If he is giving in to her for the easy life make his life more difficult from your side. You don't need to shout just calmly tell him she is ruining your children's Christmas and he needs to get on-board with managing her.
Or book a last minute holiday.

Rainallnight · 16/12/2019 09:45

I can’t believe SIL is getting away with this! (I mean, I know the main thing here is the DH problem etc, but still).

My SIL has had a horrid couple of years going through a divorce and her Christmases have understandably been up in the air, with the result that we’ve had MIL for a few years, but next year I’m going to have to be brave and have a conversation that it can’t be like this all the time.

katewhinesalot · 16/12/2019 09:52

You don't have to be rude. You can politely Keep your boundaries.

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